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harassment by parents
September 5, 2005
6:33 pm
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littlemiss_skipjack
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Today, I am very scared as I am being harassed by my parents again. I told them in June that I do not wish any contact at the moment and that I will call them, if/when I want contact. They seem to have left me alone, or at least I felt save - well, I´ve been in China for a month I might add 😉 As if they knew when I was back they contacted me again and again, but I just erased all messages without listening to them. It makes me feel very bad/scared/helpless/useless/depressed and I am very anxious and not functioning right when in contact with my parents since this year I started addressing my co-depency issues. I guess by realizing more and more about me and my behavioural patterns, I more and more was able to recognize and admit the abuse I have been exposed to by mostly my partents. Now, whenever I hear from them I feel like I am 7 years old again, helpless and powerless and very very scared of them. I experienced emotional and physical abuse by my mother and neglection by my father who was never available for me. I grew up in total emotional coldness, being blamed and made responsible for all my parent´s lifes faults. Besides that, I experienced sexual harassment on the playground, underground, park and so on and I am just learning about that - no, this is not normal - not sure where to put this yet. Never been raped but forced to watch strange men masturbate/ejakulating and aksed to touch but not sure if I ever did. Very foggy memories there. I school (I grew up in a communist country with parents not participating in the communist party), I had teachers trying to get information about my parents to use against them and my parents on the other side warning me about telling anyone anything, as this could mean they would end up in jail. In short, I grew up in a very unsafe environment without anyone I could trust really and no one ever told me that they love me (my parents never up to this point of course) except later in my teens when I started to have boyfriends. Anyway, I was talking about today, and today I am very upset and scared and feeling so helpless. I am trying to protect myself and defend my borders and my parents have created this massive drama at work for me today. Since 17:00 CET until 23:00 CET they have waited in front of my office, harassing my business partner and friend to let them in, so they can talk to me. I did not want that but my NO means nothing to them. Pretending they are worried, they acted out their craziness in my working environment and even a taxi driver taking my parents finally to my home and called the office, letting us know that my parents got out of the car to check if I am home and if not they threatened the next drive will be to the police to report my murder by my business partner and friend. It´s so nuts that one should think I shall have a laugh, but I can´t. Instead I am suffering from severe stomach aches, heart racing, shaking hands, a blank mind and unable to concentrate on anything or enjoy my life for that matter. Sometimes, I even start to stutter and I have never done that as a child even. My life is so good otherwise, if I could only get rid of my parents and the whole disfunctional family atached for that matter. How can I? Need some support on how to handle the drama without getting drawn into it and not being set out of order therefore. I keep telling myself that it is my choice to be happy and not get sucked into their craziness, just today it´s really not easy to do. Besides, what really frustrates me is, that after talking with my lawyer, I now know that all this harassement is still within legal boundaries and he has nothing so far he could work with. Such a bad feeling to know that tomorrow the same thing can happen and the day after that and so on. Anyone can relate and has comforting words? Could really use some support today. Thanks!

September 5, 2005
7:00 pm
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jamaicanwife
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I'm so sorry that you hacve to be dealing with such a difficult situation. It is not an easy decision to cut contact with your parents, and it must be extremely unnerving and distressing to be basically stalked by them after you went to such trouble to maintain a healthy distance.

I honestly can't relate - I cut contact with my father years ago, but I don't even know if he noticed, to tell the truth. He never indicated in any way that not having me or my sisters in his life bothered him at all.

Perhaps your parents are having a hard time dealing with your absence from their life because they honestly cannot understand why you don't want them around. In many cases when people on this board are having trouble with difficult parents, confronting them doesn't seem like it would be helpful if you don't live with them. I mean, if you have your own space, and you stay out of their space, everything should be fine, right? Well, your experience is a bit different, and I wonder if perhaps you don't need to do something to make your point that you don't want to have contact with them VERY firmly. Maybe your lawyer could make some suggestions, perhaps send an official letter or something. I'm just throwing out random ideas here - I don't know if I have made any useful suggestions.

September 6, 2005
4:47 am
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littlemiss_skipjack
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Dear Jamaican wife,

thanks so much for the comforting words. I am quite unsure what would be the best way out of this horrible situation (I slept in the office and my parents are still outside trying to get in, ringing me, ringing the door, the whole office has sympathy with me at this point as they find my parents behaviour very nuts - which actually makes me feel more safe, as I don´t feel so alone in this scary boat now) - however, this needs to stop. I don´t function right, when I am in contact with my parents and figuring that out took me a long time. Now that I have that knowledge and got a taste of how wonderful my life can be if they are not part of it, I want it like that. Also, I must say at this point I am so assured that they will never respect my requests and boundaries and under these circumstances there is no space for a healthy relationship and I am sick of sick relationships. I am starting to learn to have a better relationship with myself, but I fail to be me - the real me, as soon as my parents show up in the plot. I feel, my parents have damaged my life enough and they need to step back and get out. Today, I feel a lot of anger and I am glad about that. Anger always gives me the energy to get up and out of cornered in situations and get rid of this helpless and scared feeling. Also, today I will need to get out of the office as I have meetings and I am thinking of ways to do that, without having to be dragged into the drama my parents are creating around my office, home, phone and friends. Mhm... will have to figure that one out still...

Thanks again for writing to me and anyone out there reading... helps me alot to just get it out into cyberlimbo to get it out of my heart, mind and to stop the secretive behaviour I have grown habit to "protect" my difficult parents... no more!

September 6, 2005
10:35 am
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jamaicanwife
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Is there really nothing the police can do?

September 6, 2005
11:24 am
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Anonymous
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yeah, ditto that thought.

your business - not sure where you fit in the management hierarchy - but anyone above you can call police and report a disturbance.

you have security to not allow people in the building - if they are attempting to violate that security, it's called tresspassing.

perhaps you can have them removed from your business property, but not sure about the laws covering your home.

In the USA, there are laws about harrassment - if you tell someone to leave your property or stop contacting you, and they continue, it is harrassment, with or without any violence or violent intent.

perhaps someone can escort you or get you out the back door?

September 12, 2005
10:22 am
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littlemiss_skipjack
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Dear Jamaicanwife, dear Alicat,

thanks so much for your support and thoughts. My business partner, who owns the office that I am sharing did not let my parents in and protected me from unwanted contact/my harrassing parents. That was great. And yes, you are both right, he could have called the police and made a report if they are in front of the office door/in the building. However, the lawyer said as long as they are waiting on the street (in the bushes as my collegue reported) that is legal, as crazy as it might seem. I wish there were harrassment laws like that in my country but it´s a bit more complicated here. The next step I could take legally here is write down every instant, every call, every move they make and keep a protocoll of all the things they do and say to me. Then, a therapist could examine me and if there are organic symptoms clearly connected to my parents contacting me, then it would be considered violence only. That´s the law here. It would need one or two doctors attests saying that my parents contact is physically and psychologically damaging. My lawyer also said, the judge who would make the decision will possibly not understand WHY I have so much fear of my parents "simply wanting to know how their kid is doing" - I might have to dig up the whole past and dig in all the dirt to explain to the judge, why I feel so scared and uncomfortable when in contact with my partents.

Anyway, the good news is that I realized something: No matter how hard I try, what I write or ask my parents, how much my friends and partners try to protect me from my partents, or whatever the law can do for me, it still doesn´t mean that my parents will respect it. In all probability they won´t. They are nuts! So, the only thing I really CAN DO is work on myself. Not being scared of them is the medicine, not sure how to do that yet, but it helps me when I tell myself that I am not a little girl anymore that is dependend on them for survival. I try to think of them less as my parents and more as two sick people I happen to know.

Also, I had contacted a sister of my father and asked her to talk to my dad to leave me alone and stop this crazy, aggressive, obsessive, controlling behaviour and wrote another handwritten fax to my parents kindly asking them to leave me alone, following a friend´s advice that exposure of their crazy behaviour to the public might make the re-think how far they want to go, knowing that I won´t stay silent anymore.

No more!

Thanks for the supporting words. I am making progress!

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