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Happy and afraid - feedback appreciated
April 20, 2004
5:47 am
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Miffy
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I have recently met a man - he was a friend at first and we were attracted to each other. I was nervous about sleeping with him but ended up taking the decision to do so not with my normal "this is the guy I'm going to marry" hat on but - this is a guy who I can enjoy and can give me some love etc. It has been very healing. I work away during the week and have seen him a lot on the weekend. There are things about him that concern me in terms of his being a partner - one of my failings is the difficulty of living in a day. We discussed some of that last night and every time we talk about stuff that I think is going to move us apart, I feel closer to him. The more I enjoy him though the closer I feel to my fear of abandonment - I don't know whether I need more definition about the relationship (I'm assuming exclusivity but should probably confirm that). I am most afraid of letting my feelings for him grow and wanting to tell him about that. I know that I must live in the day on this one and enjoy it but I am codependent and really could do with some feedback on this one. Hope all is well xx

April 20, 2004
9:07 am
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Iolanthe
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Hi Miffy

I have been in a relationship for a few years, a toxic relationship, he was the chemically addicted one and I the addicted codependant.

My story has led me to this point - we are both in recovery and being healthy towards each other is hard work, the key is to take it slow, really slow,we are still inlove but give each other loads of space. We don't call each other everyday, we plan when we are going to see each other.

The safest thing is that we both do not have those crasy codependant emotions or feelings with each other-it is the deep trust that we share that makes the difference. I would remain centred with myself and allow the relationship to take it's course-Healthy boundaries are the key

Good Luck

I

April 20, 2004
10:30 am
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Miffy
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Thanks for that wonderful feedback - I keep on needing to remind myself to take it slowly and find that things take a calm pace and are extremely enjoyable when I do. This man has been in recovery for addictions for four years and coupled with my and his codependency I know I have to be careful but so far, right now it is rewarding and your advice re: boundaries is really comforting, thanks x

April 20, 2004
2:51 pm
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CAMER
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BOUNDARies are really good, and give eachother space, to do your own "stuff"...and talking NOT talking on the phone everyday, makes me so
much stronger..cuz i know i will get thru the day, and when me and my new
guy do make plans, we do it in advance...and specifically, he
is independent and has his life, and
I too try to think the same way..go
on with my life instead of focusing on
"the man".

April 20, 2004
6:47 pm
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annastar
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Yea, sure, it is nice way to do things, if…he doesn’t have 5 good looking single male friends that asking him to go out looking for excitement all the time and telling him “dump her, dump her, dump her- you don’t need girlfriend- we can have new every night!” There is theory that if you get to close to man- he will loose interest or try to keep distance. So- sure- take things slow is the best, but some time I feel like- if he is not with me- he may meet some one else.

April 20, 2004
7:50 pm
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Zinnie
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Hi Miffy,

Well, you are just growing and growing aren't you? Good for you!

I'm glad that you are realizing where your "pit-falls" are, and you are actively working on them. Like I told you before, yes, you can have a casual relationship, and enjoy the moment.

I have to tell you that I thought of you today... why?

Guess who I ran into? Yes, my "fling" from so many years ago! I was in Target with a friend of mine, and I hear "Zin?" Yes, it was him, and his daughter, who also remembered me. They are doing fine... she is in college - and doing well. He was sorry to hear about me being sick, we chatted for a bit - and said our "good-bye's." As I said, I will always remember him fondly.

Sometimes, it is nice to have those relationships that are only in the moment.

Enjoy yourself, but continue in your growth.

Z.

April 21, 2004
4:18 am
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Miffy
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Thanks Zinnie

I haven't been keeping up with the threads so didn't know you were sick - sorry to hear that.

I would be interested on your further feedback today.

I work away from home and spend a lot of time with my colleague / boss. Where we work is a quiet town so I have opened up to him about my recovery etc.

I feel comfortable about that. He knows that I have been seeing this guy and that I met him through recovery. He was saying that he thought I put myself down too much and settled for too little etc. He also said that it sounded like this guy had done the rounds and only got into relationships with people in recovery and that that was his in - "getting" people while they are vulnerable. The guy (not my boss) has indeed been a good recovery friend to me and I know that recovery dominates his life (he also studies psychology and was a counsellor). However, some of what my boss said struck a chord and makes me want to put a stop to the relationship.

I have also been concerned about the guy's unmanageability - he had asked me to help him complete a form which he had done atrociously. I was trained and qualified as a lawyer so we seemed worlds apart on that. I wanted to get up from the table at the point he asked for help and leave. We talked about it though and it was good to feel more accepting and to see my stuff. We have talked issues through really well - I've really enjoyed and felt comfortable in that part of it. In that way, particularly following my last relationship, the relationship is very healing. I am just wondering whether my current instinct to bolt on the basis that he is not a good "prospect"(!) is a good one - you can't tell me that but if there is anything in this that you can feedback on then I would appreciate it.

Hope you are feeling OK today.

Miffy x

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