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happiness in the form of beer
December 20, 2004
3:42 am
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opal
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every second or third night my fiance feels a need to get drunk because it makes him happy, does that mean that I don't make him happy?.

I've asked him, but he just likes the feeling of being drunk, which is fine by me, if only he didn't drink almost every second night, I would like to spend some time with him, and to be honest, after he has had quite a few beers, I don't want to be with him, he's different and not the man I love.

am I being unreasonable, am I such a prude as he calls it?

I want to support him if he has a drinking problem, but he just gets angrey when I suggest he doesn't drink and instead we do something else together.

at other times even though we have had problems, it all is great.

please be honest, I need to know if it's just me, thanks

December 20, 2004
4:01 am
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iWillOvercome
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he may or maynot be an alcoholic, but only he can make this decision.

if he's unable to control his urge to drink, gets abusive or out of control due to drink, chances are good that he is one.

i'd consider this if i were going to get married to him, he's forewarned you.

you need to have a mature adult discussion with him since it bothers and affects you and your life.

December 20, 2004
4:02 am
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SweetAmanda
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What do you think opal?

If it causes problems for you, then it is a problem.

You need to know if you are making him happy? You probably aren't.

Neither is the beer, the drunkenness... Or anything else he may choose to try and push away his emotions. Or whatever he's doing: filling a void, being angry... I don't know.

But I do know that it won't get better being the way it is now.

You cannot change him.

“Maybe if I present it to him ‘this way’...He will realize how much he is missing, and will want to stop drinking”

December 20, 2004
4:09 am
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SweetAmanda
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And what iWillOvercome said is true: He has given a fair warning of his habits.

He has every right to drink all he wants, whenever he wants.

You have every right to love and respect yourself. You needn't give an explanation if you feel that you need to go. You needn't give one if you feel that you need to stay either.

You will still be you.

December 20, 2004
6:09 am
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opal
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thanks for responding, all advise has given me something to think about, and we will work it out some how, I'll just let him be who he is, but I was just worried he wasn't happy, and we have now talked, just gets hard sometimes.

Amanda, great advise, but I disagree on one thing concerning my fiance, he doesn't have the right to drink as much as he wants, his responsibility has changed since we have two small children, and it's not so much about him or about me, it's about our children and what's best for them.

guess I just answered my own question, and we will work through it, I love him and he is great with our children.

December 20, 2004
6:32 am
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mamacinnamon
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Opal,

From one prude to another...whether he has a problem or not is not even the tip of the iceberg here.

I see from your above post that I do believe you have your mind made up and that is great. Be very very sure to consider those small children. They will be as they see when they grew/grow up. Children aside, what about you? Any self-respect? IWill said it. He's forwarned you. Don't take that lightly coz what you have now is what you will have your entire complete marriage.

Just wanted to add/reinforce a bit.....from one prude to another.

PS. You have my grandmother's name. The story we always hear about is how she and her kids (my mom) had to work and keep grandpa out of the bar so he didn't drink away his whole paycheck. Seriously true, I kid you not. Don't be my grandma only present day.

December 20, 2004
7:41 am
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opal
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thanks mamacinnamon, you always offer very good advice.

we talked some more since I replied last, and he is going to drink only light beer, (that he makes at home, because it's cheaper), we've decided to talk a lot more, without critising each other and try to see how we each are feeling.

when he does drink it is after the children have gone to bed, I know I can sometimes be a prude, but sometimes you have to when you have children, because it's true, they do hear and see everything you do.

thanks for responding

opal

December 20, 2004
8:20 am
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mamacinnamon
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Opal,

I was just giving you a hard time when I called you a prude. I used the name coz I've been called that ALOT because of my stance on drinking. But, if you lived w/ an evil, abusive, alcoholic for 12 years you'd hate the thought of a beer yourself. No disrespect was intended toward you at all for using that name.

However, and I want to say in only a loving way, in your last post you wrote we have talked and he is only gonna drink light beer. May I ask what the heck has that got to do w/ anything? If you are told to quit smoking because you are gonna die, what do you think the doc is gonna say when you go back and say ok problem solved I'm only gonna smoke lights? I'm truly not trying to sound mean or nasty to you in any way. I am not a professional, although God has seemed to want me to help ladies for the last 8 years, and I will admit that I am most likely a bit biased, but honey did you just trade the wolf for a dog that bites? Can you not get drunk on lite beer also?

You are right about one thing. Those babies do hear and see what you are doing. Wait till they become older and you cannot hide it from them any longer, and that time will come. When it's ok to go out drinking coz dad does it and you lose half your leverage in raising them because you are a hypocrite.

The first week I was here, I justified my hubby smoking dope, but just not here at home. I got an answer that slapped me in the face so hard I literally had to pick myself up out of the chair. A girl wrote back and said she was raised in an alcoholic atmosphere, but that even tho her mom, (does anyone know how I can get that post back? it was not one I wrote) hid her dad's alcoholism from her she still grew up knowing. (I am misquoting something here, I just can't remember). But the point is that it was signed by someone that is the exact same as my daughter's email name. I asked her repeatedly if she had been on a coda site or had responded to anyone on alcoholism. She says and promises NO. Anyway, Opal what I am trying to say is that even tho I kept their dad's drinking and abuse from them, and even tho we divorced when she was only 8 years old, I asked her if she remembers (now that she's 22) and she told me things that I just wanted to die over. I never thought my babies knew....they were always asleep, they were sent to aunt's house. No matter what you try to hide, they will see, hear, remember.

If not for yourself Opal. For your own health and well being, and I wish you nothing but the best, think again. See if your husband will do counseling. Damn I hate pouring my heart out and I hate tears even more. Let me quit. I have rambled, but only from good intentions.

Oh, the story about my gma Opal....her hubby finally died of alcohol poisoning and she and her 3 kids had to go to school, work, put their money in as a family, and my mom or her sister or her brother never had a childhood. My mom will finally talk about it since grandma died. Truthfully.

December 20, 2004
8:22 am
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readyforachange
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opal,

be cautious of his promise to only drink "light" beer that he makes at home....it may have the same or a higher alcohol content as the stuff he buys at the store. You may not be getting a "bargain"

When he does drink after the kids go to bed, does it change his behavior? Do they see and hear things they shouldn't? My kids didn't when they were little....I was great at hiding things from them, and they were very sound sleepers. But at ll and l4, I was not able to keep things from them. I've now filed for divorce from my alcoholic who only drank a few times a week...

Also, it is good that he has agreed to talk to you and discuss your feelings. This may solve some of your problems, at least he's willing to listen.

Good luck to you!

ready

December 20, 2004
6:40 pm
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opal
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mamacinnamon, I could never take offence at anything you mention, I like the way you are honest, don't ever change that, and no, I didn't think you were suggesting I was a prude, you haven't offended me in any way, you have helped me, thank you.

I know how silly it sounds "just light beer", and can easily see how it is the same thing, the difference with my fiance though is that with it he is not affected as much, that sounds kind of silly also. but he IS different, he's just happy, without being irresponsible, he's never got violent, if he had it would only take the one time, and I would leave. heck, it would only take me thinking he was going to do something, before I would leave.

ready, his behaviour on light beer is so different, I can hardly tell he has had a drink, except for him being more free and happy, thanks for your advice, it helps so much.

p.s mamacinnamon, you never ramble, you are very supportive and tell it as it is, that is never wrong. in fact everyone here has been so great, thanks everyone.

opal

December 20, 2004
8:00 pm
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readyforachange
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opal,

I'm so glad his behavior doesn't change dramatically when he drinks...that is so scary and not a good thing for your kids to see.

Good luck to you!

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