Avatar

Please consider registering
guest

sp_LogInOut Log In sp_Registration Register

Register | Lost password?
Advanced Search

— Forum Scope —




— Match —





— Forum Options —





Minimum search word length is 3 characters - maximum search word length is 84 characters

sp_TopicIcon
Hapiness with current Partner
July 9, 2004
2:40 pm
Avatar
Joe1024
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 29, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

I am new to coda, my couselor recomended I do some reading / research and I found this site. My wife and I have been married for 3yrs and have a 14th month old. Early on in our relationship I had some doubts as to our compatibility but I moved forward afraid of loosing a good thing. Because of those doubts I have plagued myself with much guilt. I care much about my wife and daughter and want to find a way to make our family work so that we can all be happy. We are both current seeing couselors and I have recently started an SSRI antidepresent. My wife is the more strong willed one in the relationship and I am the emotional one. Our love languages I believe are quite diffrent so it can be tough.

Some of my negative traits such as dwelling on issues stemed from the abuse that my family has seen. My older brother and I have both been victims of sexual abuse, although in my case it was a brief one time encounter. Recently my brother died after many years of drug abuse, he was 30 years old and passed from a pulmonary embolism most likely from the drug abuse. The whole experience has been very tough on my family. I dont want this post to be to long, but I would like to hear from anyone who has any advice to give in similar situation.

July 9, 2004
4:42 pm
Avatar
fairy99
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Welcome Joe.

Are you getting any kind of counceling at this time?

Sorry to hear about the passing of your brother.

Knowing you have a problem is the first step to healing. Is your wife aware of these feelings and past history?

July 9, 2004
9:09 pm
Avatar
Joe1024
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 29, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Yes, I just started seeing a new couselor since my last was only able to see me about once a month and I didnt seem to be making much progress through my discussions with her.

My wife is aware and would like me to stop dwelling on the past (snowballing as she calls it). I have a bad habit of dwelling on all the negative that has happened in my life, I feel that the guilt has caused me to become not as stong emotionally as I used to be. When I was younger I was kind of like the couselor for my family and would often talk with my dad about our family problems.

Anyways, I think a big issue is for me that my wife tries to be protective of me and doesnt open up that much. I have told her that we need to have the open communication so we know where to improve things. My wife has also been going through post partum and that has not been easy for either of us.

I have been depressed for so long I hardly remember what feeling normal is like. Somehow I manage to keep busy at work and take it day by day. We also have a beautiful 14mo old who is a big sweetie pie. I cant imagine having a better baby. Thank God she is that way because her mom and I have been pretty depressed and she makes it easier on us.

I have had thoughts of suicide on a regular basis but my family has been through so much I cant bring myself to actually do something. I also really do want things to work out, its just after so long at working at things and not making much progress you feel like your doomed to a life of depression and suffering. I really want to be alive and work things out, restore my faith in God and people etc..

I guess I should mention that my brother was molested by a priest who was supposed to be his couselor to help him with drug abuse and his previous molestation by a close friend of the family. Pretty screwed up, I never got to know my brother as well as I would have liked. He always ran away from home and got mixed up with the wrong crowd.

Any advise or prayers would be appreciated

July 11, 2004
10:01 am
Avatar
Zinnie
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: 1
Member Since:
September 29, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

I guess my first question is: are you unhappy with your wife? Or are you just unhappy in general with your life and wanting to work it out?

Are you and your wife seeing the same counslor, or different ones?

Z.

July 12, 2004
2:10 pm
Avatar
Joe1024
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 29, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Thats a good question. I care about my wife, she is a good person and has really been there for me over the last few years. I guess part of the problem is I have not been able to deal with my guilt over the way I felt or am currently feeling. Seems really stupid I know. I really want things to work out but I feel like the more I try; or realize Im trying so hard that we are just not compatible the way we should be. Things have really be going down hill for me emotionally and I feel like Im on the verge of a complete breakdown. Sometimes I feel like I cant be myself around her and that I have lost sight of who I really am. It shouldnt be that way though, she is a good person and we should be able to work things out. We both have invested 5years in our relationship. We both want things to work out. I feel like I am the sole reason things arent working out better.

We are seeing diffrent couselors right now, however she has been to some sessions with me in the past.

I am not very happy with my life in general right now. Feeling like I am not making progress on any level. Career, family, friends, religion..

July 12, 2004
8:29 pm
Avatar
Zinnie
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: 1
Member Since:
September 29, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Maybe you are trying too hard.

July 13, 2004
2:25 pm
Avatar
Joe1024
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 29, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Thats probably right, I feel like I over analize things. I feel better today then I was feeling yesterday. A new day and hope for the future...

My family has always been very religous too and catholic guilt has been an ongoing issue for me. I have been doing alot of thinking and I know that I beat myself up to much. I am working to reinvent myself a little and try to refocus on the positive things in my relationship with my wife and in my life in general. I also spontanesously ordered a whole bunch of books relating to religion yesterday. Some of them are pretty libral and should make for a good read. I have had some problems dealing with doctrine and all after the abuses my family has seen in catholic church. I realize most clergy are good, but it was really disheartning to know that our bishop protected a known sexual offender in the church.

Anyways I ordered some books about the origins of christianity, judism, life of jesus etc.. I have never felt that any one religion is the "right" one and that each individual must seek God in his/her own terms. I've always been fascinated with the history of religions.

Hope I am not rambling to much. Thanks for the advice.

July 13, 2004
6:20 pm
Avatar
fairy99
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

How are things going Joe? Hope they are good for you. Just checking on you. God Bless.

July 13, 2004
8:23 pm
Avatar
Anonymous
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Joe I can relate in a very heartfelt way.. To so much you have said.. I to over analize when I am trying to make things work in my marriage.. The only and I mean only relief I have found is when I push myself to focus on me and let up quite a bit on my marriage.. There is something going on with me and until I work threw it all my efforts seem well like they make it worse.. Reason being I am in a bad spot with myself and need to redirect my energy and I find my marriage falling into place when I am taking care of me.. I hope this makes sense I just know I am in your shoes too and it's all I know to help.. I have to start with me then it seems to change everything else in my life..

July 14, 2004
11:04 am
Avatar
Joe1024
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 29, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

I have been a little better the last day or so. I agree with you Smiles.. if I can stop over thinking and work on myself; things should fall into place. Putting those words into action will not be easy for me. Growing up I was used to alot of negative energy and my family seemed to always work best when their was a crisis going on. Now that I have a good family of my own and a wife with healthy boundaries I have to keep myself out of that cycle.. from creating my own issues.

Also my family still calls me frequently and brings me into current issues. Something I must be careful to set boundaries on with them. They are not as dramatic as they were with my older brother though. I am the middle child and my younger brother has OCD. Wasnt till recently that my family recognized it and did anything about it. I think my younger brother became the new scapegoat or focus in the family. He has been having a tough time in college, holding jobs, and knowing what he wants in life. Hehe, it always amazes me that at his age you are expected to decide what you want to do for the rest of your life and pick your focus of studies.

Their is 8 years between us and I have never been that close to him which makes it tough especially after loosing my older brother. Recently at a wedding I remember peoples reactions to him becuase he has the personality of a kid half his age. I remember him telling me that he felt he had no childhood.. I think he is trying to relive it.

My mother also has some kind of sleeping disorder where she falls asleep spontaneously and my wife and I have pretty much agreed she cant take care of our daughter. I still have to find away to communicate this to her and explain that she needs to see a doctor about her condition. She like her mom does not care for doctors. Anyways I am rambling now, thanks for the advice everyone.

July 18, 2004
7:32 pm
Avatar
carolinagirl
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Joe,

Your story really struck home with me. This is the first time I have ever responded to something like this, but the similiarities between what you are going through and what I have been through are striking. Even still, I am somewhat reluctant to share so publicly, something that has been the most personally devasting time of my life.

My husband suffered with depression on and off throughout his life. His entire view of his own self-worth was connected to his job and when that suffered (or did not meet his expectations) he became very depressed. A few years ago his father passed away and that event transformed him in a persistently negative way. For the next two and a half years, he was restless, changed jobs many times, was fired twice and was constantly negative (even when he had a job). I tried to help with his feelings and with his problems with work, but nothing I did was ever enough and I tried so many things. He tried medication for his depression, but because of the side effects he stopped taking it against medical advice.

A little over two years ago, my husband killed himself. He was only 36 years old and our daughter was 4. I can only imagine the hell that he was going through if he thought he had no other choice.

Joe, I beg you to please continue counselling and medication (assuming that it is still recommended by your physician). My life has been devestated by husband's death and I am constantly worrying about the long-term affects on my daughter.

When my husband first died, I really thought that I would not recover, but I have had the support of my family, friends and a very good counsellor. Even with all this support and even now, I am still struggling with everything.

I mention all this for one reason in particular and that is this. Even with the horrifically difficult times I have gone through, I have been able to get through them and you can, too. The bad times have been followed by good times and the good times have been followed by bad times. I know that sometimes the bad time seems to last forever and it is so easy to think that it will never end. What I try to remember is that my life is a cycle and that the bad times will pass and even if for a little while, I will have something positive in my life.

You and your family will be in my thoughts and prayers. Please take care.

July 23, 2004
11:43 pm
Avatar
Joe1024
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 29, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

I appreciate you taking the time to share your story and I will try to be strong. I have started a new thread (Help - Spiraling) continuing on with my situation. Their are a few details which may or may not add much insight into some of my guilt and suffering. Normally I would not feel comfortable posting online to the world about issues but I feel that I have to try something anything to get better. I have always been emotional and taken tough times internally and not been very open with others about my feelings. Like my families burdens with sexual abuse, my brothers death and his long term drug use, and my percieved impression that my parents arnt satisfied in their relationship yet have stayed together for so long maybe beacuse of church teaching. I feel lost and hopeless right now but people like you do give me some encouragement to try a little hard and to hang in just a little longer.

Forum Timezone: UTC -8

Most Users Ever Online: 247

Currently Online:
34 Guest(s)

Currently Browsing this Page:
1 Guest(s)

Top Posters:

onedaythiswillpass: 1134

zarathustra: 562

StronginHim77: 453

free: 433

2013ways: 431

curious64: 408

Member Stats:

Guest Posters: 49

Members: 110835

Moderators: 5

Admins: 3

Forum Stats:

Groups: 8

Forums: 74

Topics: 38534

Posts: 714189

Newest Members:

Fasopimola, nbvjczDazy, Catincatop, maryellentm1, gtnefDazy, cbkzDazy

Moderators: arochaIB: 1, devadmin: 9, Tincho: 0, Donn Gruta: 0, Germain Palacios: 0

Administrators: admin: 21, ShiningLight: 572, emily430: 29

Copyright © 2019 MH Sub I, LLC. All rights reserved. Terms of Use | Privacy Policy | Cookie Policy | Health Disclaimer