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haha
October 20, 1999
7:52 pm
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Anonymous
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A Cat's Guide to Life

DOORS: Do not allow closed doors in any room. To get door opened, stand on
hind legs and hammer with forepaws. Once door is opened, it is not
necessary to use it. After you have ordered an outside door opened, stand
halfway in and out and think about several things. This is particularly
important during very cold weather, rain, snow or mosquito season. Swing
doors must be avoided at all costs.

CHAIRS AND RUGS: If you have to throw up, get to a chair quickly. If you
cannot manage in time, get to an oriental rug. If there is no oriental rug,
shag is good. When throwing up on the carpet, make sure you back up so that
it is as long as the human's bare foot.

BATHROOMS: Always accompany guest to the bathroom. It is not necessary to
do anything. Just sit and stare.

HAMPERING: If one of your humans is engaged in close activity and the other
is idle, stay with the busy one. This is called "helping", otherwise known
as "hampering"

RULES FOR HAMPERING:

A: When supervising cooking, sit just behind the left heel of the cook. You
cannot be seen and thereby stand a better chance of being stepped on and
then picked up and comforted.

B: For book readers, get in close under the chin, between eyes and book --
unless you lie across the book itself.

C: For knitting projects or paperwork, lie on the work in the most
appropriate manner so as to obscure as much of the work or at least the
most important part. Pretend to doze, but every so often reach out and slap
a pencil or knitting needles. The worker may try to distract you; ignore
it; remember, the aim is to hamper work. Embroidery and needlepoint
projects make great hammocks in spite of what humans may tell you;

D: For people paying bills or working on income taxes or Christmas cards --
first, sit on the paper being worked on. When dislodged, watch sadly from
the side of the table. When activity proceeds nicely, roll around on the
papers, scattering them to the best of your ability. After being removed
the second time, push pens, pencils and erasers off the table, one at a
time.

E: When a human is holding a newspaper in front of him, be sure to jump
on the back of the paper. They love to jump.

WALKING: As often as possible, dart quickly and as close as possible in
front of the human, especially on stairs, when they have something in their
arms, in the dark, and when they first get up in the morning. This will
help their coordination skills.

BEDTIME: Always sleep on the human at night so he cannot move around.

PLAY: This is an important part of your life. Get enough sleep in the
daytime so you are fresh for your nocturnal games. Below are listed several
favorite cat games that you can play. It is important though to maintain
one's dignity at all times. If you should have an accident during play,
such as falling off a chair, immediately wash a part of the body as if to
say, "I meant to do that." It fools humans every time.

CAT GAMES:

A: "Catch Mouse" - Humans would have you believe that those lumps are their
feet and hands. They're lying. They are actually Bed Mice, rumored to be
the most delicious of all mice in the world, though no cat has ever been
able to catch one. Rumor also has it that only the most ferocious attack
can stun them long enough for you to dive under the covers to get them.
Maybe YOU can be the first to taste the Bed Mouse.

B: King of the Hill - This game must be played with at least one other cat.
The more the merrier! One or both of the sleeping humans is Hill 303 which
must be defended at all costs from the other cats. Anything goes. This game
allows for the development of unusual tactics as one must take the unstable
playing theater into account.

WARNING: Playing these games to excess will result in expulsion from the
bed and possibly from the bedroom. Should the human grow restless,
immediately begin purring and cuddle up to them. This should buy you some
time until they fall asleep again. If one happens to be on a human when
this occurs, this cat wins the round of King of the Hill.

TOYS: Any small item is a potential toy. If a human tries to confiscate it
this means it's a good toy. Run with it under the bed. Look suitably
outraged when the human grabs you and takes it away. Always watch where it
is put so you can steal it later. Two reliable sources of toys are dresser
tops and wastebaskets. There are several types of cat toys: Bright shiny
things like keys, brooches or coins should be hidden so that the other cats
and humans can't play with them. They are generally good for playing hockey
with on an uncarpeted floor. Dangly and string-like things such as
shoelaces, cords, gold chains, and dental floss also make excellent toys.
They are favorites of humans who like to drag them across the floor for us
to pounce on. When a string is dragged under a newspaper or throw rug it
magically becomes the Paper/Rug Mouse, and should

be killed at all costs. Take care! Humans are sneaky and will try to make
you lose your dignity.

PAPERBAGS: Within paper bags are the Bag Mice. They are small and
camouflaged to be the same color as the bag. But you can easily hear the
crinkling noises they make as they scurry around the in bag. Anything up to
and including shredding the bag, can be done to kill them. Note: any other
cat you may find in a bag hunting for a Bag Mouse is fair game for a sneak
attack, which will usually result in a great tag match.

SLEEPING: As mentioned above, in order to have enough energy for playing, a
cat must get plenty of sleep. It is generally not difficult to find a
comfortable place to curl up. Any place a human likes to sit is good,
especially if it contrasts with your fur color. If it's in a sunbeam or
near a heating duct or radiator, so much the better. Good places also exist
outdoors, but you have the disadvantages of being seasonal and dependent on
current and previous weather conditions such as rain. Open windows are a
good compromise.

SCRATCHING POSTS: It is advised that cats use scratching posts the human
may provide. They are very protective of what they think is their property
and will object strongly if they catch you sharpening your claws on it.
Being sneaky and doing it when they aren't around won't help as they are
very observant. If you are an outdoor kitty, trees are good. Sharpening
your claws on a human is a definite no-no.

HUMANS: Humans have three primary function: To feed us, to play with us and
give attention to us, and to clean the litter box. It is important to
maintain one's dignity when around humans so they will not forget who is
master of the house. Humans need to know the basic rules. They can be
taught if you start early and are consistent

October 20, 1999
9:03 pm
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gelo
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You're pretty cool, Thanks for the ideas you gave, now I know who has been teaching our cats with new tricks.
But I like it very much god bless you.

October 21, 1999
10:38 am
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J. C.
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So it's bed mice they think they are attacking. That was the one thing I hated most about kittens. My feet would be so scratched up every morning, at times I needed to bandage them.

October 21, 1999
11:53 am
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Anonymous
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hehehehe oh poor j.c! 🙂

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