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HAD ENOUGH
March 14, 2000
1:30 pm
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AMY522
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Hi all..
I've been browsing some of these posts for about a month now, and just reading some of them as helped me look at my own situation in a different light. I've even started counseling (only been to 2 sessions, though), but I'm still having a very difficult time, and I'm reaching the end of my rope.
I have been living with my boyfriend for the past 7 years, and we bought a house together almost 2 years ago. Over the years he has been verbally and emotionally abusive, and a few times it has progressed to physical abuse, though I guess at the time it didn't seem bad enough for me to do anything about it. Guess I also let it go because I've been guilty of it myself a few times as well. We are both very angry people, and at times the screaming, yelling and name-calling has turned into throwing things, breaking things, and him holding me down or pushing me up against a wall to "get my attention". One time I had been called so many names I just reached up and slapped him across the face. Not a moment I was proud of, at all. Anyway....I have recently come to the realization that I'm simply not happy with myself, or the way my life is going. So I started reading posts on sites such as this and others, and have gone to counseling in an effort to improve my own well-being. I have also come to the decision that I need to leave him, can no longer subject myself to his behavior or his threats. My therapist has told me I need to set boundaries, and gain conviction about what I really want. That seems to be the easy part ... I know what I want to do, I do have some plans on how to get where I want. But every time I try to talk to my boyfriend about it, like a rational, reasonable adult, he has this way of turning it upside down. I end up feeling guilty as hell for wanting to leave him. Then I'm mad at myself for being such a wimp. I have lived on my own before, and I have no doubts that I could do it again. But he makes me feel like I haven't tried hard enough to work it out with him, and that "running away" from him is not going to help me. Last night (after feeling "empowered" by a counseling session!) I tried to talk to him about it again. I told him in order to make myself happier again, and to get ahold of my own issues, I needed to move out and be away from him. I told him where I wanted to move, why I wanted to move there, what I was going to do about my work situation, etc. He says "oh, you've obviously thought about this, but what about me? What about my feelings? What about this house we own together? Haven't thought about that, have you?" I told him since the house is something we own together, we ought to talk about it and come to a decision together. He doesn't want to sell, yet tells me he can't afford it on his own if I leave. Of course the therapist tells me "He's a big boy, stop enabling him, he CAN make it on his own". Yet every damn time we have this discussion, I end up looking like a fool for even suggesting it. Any advice out there for me??

March 15, 2000
8:49 am
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Cici
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It's natural for him to react this way, because you're hurting him, too. I'm not denying that he was hurtful to you in the past, but have you ever talked to him about how he's making you feel?

Right now, he's feeling rejected and confused. Rejected because you moving out is a step in the direction of separation, confused because you present actions are not a refelction of your past behaviors. You have to understand that this is a point where you make choices that will affect you for the rest of your life.

Make sure that your thoughts and actions are a result of your own independent thinking. As a student persueing a degree in counseling psychology, I can tell you that the most important principle I 've learned is that the counselor is there to listen and teach the patient to make decisions on their own. They should avoid making outright suggestions, because in the counselor-patient relationship there is a lot of vulnerability and openness to suggesstion. Some counselors have even created multiple personality disorder in patients by mere suggesstion while the patient was under hypnosis!

If this is you decision, then be firm about it. Don't be wishy-washy. You must take a firm stance and never waver from your convictions. Tell him rahter than suggest to him that this is your course of action. He will be hurt, and the difficulty lies in making him understand your point of view.

March 15, 2000
3:22 pm
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BROC
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As cici said, make your decision and stand firm. I agree! But I have to disagree with her as well, I think?

There is some major shit going on in here! Major! This relationship is doomed.....UNLESS he gets help too! IF I have said this once I have said it 1000 times, IT TAKES TOO TO MAKE IT WORK!

I am sure your counselor has said this, and all the books you have read, and all the site you have visited.

My ex-girlfrined and I were exactly like you two. Exactly! Sick, unhealthy with no chance of succession! GURANTEED! I sought help, she didn't. One year later she has went through 5-6 guys and is still crying in her pillow. She refuses to see there is a problem. She is "happy" with her life even though its a pile of shit.

Me, wow, therapy, supprot groups, etc have changed my life like I never thought possible! Yours will too if you stay on the path.

I can tell you a few FOR SURE THINGS you can take to the bank.

You are where your at because of the way in which you have lived your life......your behaviors, which come from your issues...anger, control, CODPENDENCY, etc. If you don't do anything to change them, and stay with him, your life will not change. THIS I CAN'T SAY ENOUGH, BUT MOST PEOPLE JUST DON'T FUCKING LISTEN. It is so common sense its stupid.

Like my ex. is happy, even thoough she is very unhappy. She blames the asshole men in her life. Everytime! Just as I am sure you and your boyfirend have. But you are doing the most important thing right now by taking care of you. You won't be sorry. And your boyfriend, well, CICI is right. He is confused. You ARENT' ACTING LIKE GOOD OL'AMY USUALLY DOES! He is scared. He if full of fear, and will do everyting including cutting off his arm for you too stay. God, its sick. I know, I lived it.

But you have two choices. Leave or stay. Leave, you get you back. Stay, you get ulcers, and possibly a trip to the hospital. Make no mistake about it, your rel. is as unhelathy as it gets.

I am happy to see you see that. I only hope for your souls sake you get out while you can.

Blessings,
B-

March 15, 2000
6:21 pm
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AMY522
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Thanks to both of you for your quick replies.
We had it out again last night, the usual scene. But this time, for whatever reason, he seems to have seen the light. He finally broke down and said we will have to work something out if I want to leave that bad. Of course, because he "can't put up with me being such a bitch if I'm gonna stay" (like it has nothing to do with him). I am well aware of my part in this unhealthy relationship, but appear to be the only one willing to change myself. I brought up counseling to him again after he had settled down, and he just flat out refuses. He did say once that he'd be more than willing to go see someone WITH me, but I told him that I need to fix Amy, and he needs to fix GEORGE if there will ever be any chance at AMY & GEORGE. But as you can guess, he sees no reason to see anybody for his problems. He'll just "work them out on his own". GOOD LUCK PAL!! I've been saying that for the last 15 years, and my life just seems to get worse. My relationships with men have been such that I've started referring to myself as the Loser Magnet. Guess that pretty much screams Codependency, doesn't it?! It's not going to be easy.... I am very saddened by the thought of leaving at times. After 7 years, my life will be very, very different without him. But there's also a part of me that's excited, hoping that it can only get better from here. Just wish I could kick the guilt he lays on me. Because of financial reasons, we agreed that I would stay until May 1st, giving us both time to save up some money, and give me a chance to find a place to live. I have told myself at least 1,000 times today that I will not change my mind, I will stick to the decisions that were made last night. And believe me, this was the first time we actually spoke about it as rational humans, so I'm taking that as a sign that he's finally as serious as I am. I just have this bad feeling that he's going to mope around and feel sorry for himself for the next month in an effort to get me to cave and say "Oh, nevermind, I'll stay". God help me!
And Broc, you are so on track with the ulcer thing.... I think over the last 5 years I have developed every stress-related illness known to man. I was diagnosed with Irritable Bowel Syndrome (stress induced), have headaches 3 to 5 times a week, backaches, my complexion is worse than it was as a teenager, and I can't remember the last time I didn't have a stiff neck and sore shoulders. I'm so looking forward to these symptons diminishing when I am finally able to get out of there. I'd like to be able to say, Thanks, guys, I'm on my way....but I'm thinking I'll be watching this site for awhile. Stay with me here, OK?!!!
Thanks again!
Amy

March 16, 2000
6:38 am
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lost soul
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I have to say good luck to you for making such a "big" decision. I am not so eloquent and knowledgeble as Broc, i am just a simple person but i've have an advise to offer.

"Whatever you do, be true to yourself"

March 16, 2000
7:25 am
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janes
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How to kick the guilt he lays on you? Step aside when when he goes to put it down...it isn't YOUR guilt after all. He can put it where ever he wants just not on you. The point is..don't accept it. the problem is as much him as you and he is the one refusing to see a counselor. Now you have to break the habit of accepting that guilt (that doesn't belong to you)

Stiff neck and shoulders can be a sign of suppressed anger and stress.

Oh what a tangled web eh!! You sound as if you are doing well. Not that it will be easy or fun.

Good luck

March 24, 2000
5:52 pm
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AMY522
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I'm back...and more depressed than ever. I had another session with my counselor yesterday, and he had results back from some personality/depression tests that he had me fill out. Turns out I'm bordering on being severely depressed, and he's referred me to a psychiatrist at his office for a psych. assessment and possible anti-depressants. I've always known I'm a generally unhappy person, but when someone verifies it, it just makes me feel even worse. And I'm a little uneasy with the anti-depressants idea too....can't these be addictive? A part of these tests I had to take did show that I have a tendency toward addiction and substance abuse, so would it be a good idea for me to even take something like prozac? Anybody have some advice in this area?

March 24, 2000
6:17 pm
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BROC
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CiCi really knows about this stuff. From my experince and research, and knowing two friends that are on them, it is not as bad as you may think. What they have told me is that the seratonin (sp?) in our bodies is what gives us the ability to feel good. Our bodies natually produce it. For some, as in my friends case, their bodies don't, and need help. That is where the medications come in. All they do is bring up that level of seratonin so that your depression is lessened or maybe even eliminated. Thats what I know from my friends and a little reading.

You are going to be fine. OK!

March 24, 2000
7:21 pm
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re
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medication for depression is not all bad and not necessarily "addictive". you may only need medication for a short while (months) to help your brain chemistry regulate its serotonin levels, etc and perhaps help your depression. it may take up to 6 weeks to notice an effect however so it does take time. this is not to say that your body becomes addicted to the medication and that without it you will be depressed. medications are one way to help yourself at times. when you aren't using them alone to solve all your problems or think that all your problems will magically disappear after taking a medicine i believe they can be a great asset. enough of my soapbox...i wish you luck and my thoughts are with you.
re

March 25, 2000
9:56 am
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janes
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Had a meeting with a psychiatrist recently regarding a student...he said that the medications can help...but they don't alleviate the root cause. Go for the meds for now... and work on being the AMy you want to be. It is really hard to not take responsibility for shit that isn't yours.... it's hard to not feel bad when your boyfriend is saying it is YOU that is making him so bad. TOOBAD FOR HIM. If he wants things to be good with you he needs to change and if he won't see that right away get out of there...get healthy and get happy.

You can do it sweetie,, won't bbe easy but nothing worth while is easy is it?

smiles and hugs.

March 26, 2000
7:02 am
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lost soul
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Hi Amy, no harm trying some medication if you really needs it.
Sometime its not easy to fight depression.It is easy to give advises to other and sees things as a third party. but is the person who are going throught the difficult moments to put throught it.

I believe you can do it! Take care!!!

March 31, 2000
2:57 pm
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Gene
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My husband has been on a milder anti-depressant for a couple of months now, and both of us have seen how well it works. If the psychiatrist recommends it, go for it, but like re said, have him check again in a couple of months and see how things are going. Getting out of the stressful situation you are in will help as well. As you noted before George has said that he would go WITH you to counseling, and you had said that you wanted to attend by yourself and have him go alone. If you aren't totally against it, you may try going with him the first time, if he's still up for it, and let him become accustomed to the atmosphere. Sometimes guys just need a little kick in the pants, to get things moving. Good luck!

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