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Habits and new adjustments, (Jen here)
June 3, 2006
9:39 pm
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Jenni
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Well, this is just my take, but the way I view a breakup and all of the feelings and emotions that go along with it, is pretty much the same thing as a habit. Infact, in my opinion, it IS a habit. So now, it's a matter of finding ways to break the habit.

I'm finding that I am more capable than I realized, that I adjust to new or different routines. Once I'm in a regular routine, it becomes normal to me, and begins to feel natural. We as codependents, can easily become accustomed to many types of situations, even ones we wouldn't normally agree with. We are molded so WILLINGLY!

So then why are we not so "willing" to become accustomed to change, when it clearly could be something better for us and more healthy? Is it that we cling to the "familiar"? If so, that is kind of a contradiction, seeings how many times over we have changed ourselves in order to "fit" in places where we know we should not be.

I am doing my best to become familiar with new things, so it will feel normal to me. If I'm going to change or mold myself, I'm going to do it for something worthy enough for all of the time, energy and efforts I put into it. Not for something that would be based on quicksand, to suck me down, yet again! I've done that more than once, and YES, I am capable of doing it again.

BUT, what I have learned about myself, is that since I AM so capable of changing, I'm damn sure going to try to put it to good use, this time.

HE was a habit to me. And I allowed that to become so. Infact, I HELPED it to become so. So I'm at a place now, where I am going to take the time to UN-FAMILIARIZE myself with this. Actually, I have become accustomed with being single again. And now that I have allowed myself to grieve and mourn over it, I have to say it feels DAMNED good, not to have all of the heaviness on me, of which I carried with me during the relationship. Such as obsession, worry, wonder, grief, sadness, disappointment, sorrow, guilt, NAUSIA and GAS!! YES, the relationship truly gave me stomach trouble! šŸ™

Sometimes I think about what we would be doing, right about now, if we were still together. And chances are, I probably would be pouting about something not going the way I had hoped or planned, and feeling disappointment again. AND maybe I would have had a good reason for this, or maybe not. But I don't think I would have been feeling any kind of "peace".

Anyway, just wanted to share my thoughts! I know I can really get carried away with something, once I've grabbed onto it! (It's that clingy part of codependency!)

If you made it this far, thanks for reading! I love this place and all of you who have had such a huge influence on me! THANKS!! šŸ˜‰

Jen

June 3, 2006
11:14 pm
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readyforachange
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I agree with you. But the hard part of this is: How do we reteach ourselves so that future relationships don't become "habits"...

I'm sure that a healthy relationship isn't supposed to be like a "habit"...where did that thinking come from, and how do we change it?

June 3, 2006
11:24 pm
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Jenni
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By educating ourselves on how we fell into these patterns, and learning the difference between healthy and unhealthy.

I agree a healthy relationship should not be a habit. But somehow, at least for me, the unhealthy relationships developed into habits. So when I knew I should have left, I still didn't. It was fear of that feeling of loss.

Anyway, that's my spin on it. šŸ˜‰ Thanks for your response, Ready!

June 3, 2006
11:49 pm
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readyforachange
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I have been working very hard to retrain my thinking. I think I fell into a bad relationship because I have spent my whole life trying desperately to get approval from others. Getting very little attention as a child, and no attention from boys as a teenager...I fell hard for the first guy who showed me any attention when I was 17 years old. And I married him, after 6 years of roller coaster where I fought my hardest to keep him. I now know that I pretty much coerced him into marrying me, planted the idea and pushed until it happened. Ignored the red flags and all the warnings my friends and family gave me. Just wanted someone to love me.

So now, YEARS later, I find myself divorced, raising 2 kids alone, and having no relationships at all. It's a very lonely existence. And I'm no closer to being ready for a serious relationship than I was 20 years ago...

June 3, 2006
11:56 pm
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Jenni
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Same here, Ready. I was married at 19, and had 3 kids by the age of 20. Twins, then another a year later. And I, too, found divorced 7 years later. I remained alone for many years, then reluctantly let my gaurd down, only to find out that "wrong" comes in many packages. You see, I believed that anything that was the opposite of my XH must be right.

So I think if we can learn how to pay attention to the red flags, and actually acknowledge them, and take them seriously, we may learn how to stay clear of something unhealthy for us.

June 4, 2006
12:09 am
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readyforachange
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God, I hope so. But my codependency spills over into so many aspects of my life. My own sisters take advantage of me...they live out of town, and when they come into town for holidays, etc. (my parents still live here) they walk all over my needs and feelings so that they and their families will be comfortable. My friends, the few I have, call me when they need something. If I call them to see if they want to do something, they are too busy or they don't return my calls. I am fighting hard to overcome all of this. It's just tiring.

June 4, 2006
12:16 am
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Jenni
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Yeah, Ready, it truly IS tiring. And this is where we need to learn how to say the word, "no". I don't know about you, but that has been a difficult one for me.

If only we could get the messege out to NOT mistake our kindness for weakness, then we might get more respect.

Change is tough, but I believe it is well worth the time and energy. We'll get there, Ready. Just being aware of this, is a step forward.

June 4, 2006
12:21 am
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angel101
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i hate breakups.... they're stupid and they hurt.... that's my opinion... it's too late for me to think of anything better... *lol*

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