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gutter level self esteem is ruining my relationship
November 13, 2006
5:31 pm
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no more enabling
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I have serious self esteem issues. I have the most wonderful man in my life right now and I fear that my curb level self esteem is going to ruin things for us. Whenever he compliments me, I instantly dismiss whatever he says. I tell myself "well wait 'til he gets to really know me, then he will change his tune." It is as if I cannot believe that anyone so wonderful actually has feelings for me. I am afraid that I am going to ruin things because of my low self esteem. I also continually think he is too good for me. Can anyone relate to this? What can I do to stop this self sabotaging thinking? I don't want to lose him but I think that because of my negative thinking that it is inevitable that our relationship is going to end. HELP!!!!

November 13, 2006
5:42 pm
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southgoingzax
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SEEK SOME COUNSELING..oops, sorry for 'shouting'...had the caps lock on...

you need to learn how to turn off those negative tapes - one of the best ways to do that is to get some talk therapy. It's hard to take that first step, because you have to believe you are worth it.

Good luck,

zax

November 13, 2006
6:20 pm
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truthBtold
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I know what you mean - believe me!!! I too am wondering the same thing about myself.

I don't know what to tell you except to try a little experiment: Just for ONE minute...tell yourself that you are WORTHY of love and affection.

STOP the tapes...even for 5, 10, 15 seconds.....

Take a temporary "Time Out" from all the self-sabotaging...and see what happens.

Baby steps.

November 13, 2006
6:33 pm
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Robert123
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"baby steps":)...reminds me of Bill Murray in the movie, "What about Bob".

November 13, 2006
6:39 pm
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truthBtold
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Robert123,

Ha Ha....I know. I saw that movie too!!!!!

November 13, 2006
7:22 pm
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Rasputin
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Jot down your good qualities in your journal and repeat or recite them every morning.

No one is perfect. Our aim is NOT perfection, but appreciation of both or qualities as well as defects.

Blessings, Ras~

November 13, 2006
7:37 pm
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truthBtold
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Ras,

Your reply reminds me of my post..something about "grasping at straws"....to not only appreciate, but indeed relish in our own simple accomplishments....

tBt

November 14, 2006
10:02 am
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2alone
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Oh I suffer from this so bad too... I learned just to say thank you - when he would compliment me. After a while I started believing him a bit...someday I'll believe it a lot (even though he isn't in my life- turn out I'm too good for him! lol)

And as far as baby steps - I watched "what about bob" too and I often try to "take a vacation from my problems" even if its just for a day. Pretend like it isn't me - the scared inept little girl- and sometimes it makes me feel really good inside.

November 14, 2006
9:47 pm
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I really do appreciate all of you who took the time to write and offer advice. In terms of accepting a compliment, I have learned to say thank you also. But for me, those are just words. I really am thinking "oh, he is just trying to be nice". Or "if he only knew me, he would not be saying those things." Well, a general statement about this site. Last year, I was involved in a codependent situation with a close friend. I couldn't snap out of it. I was very attached in a very unhealthy way. However, I wrote in and so many people offered me such wonderful advice that I am now happy to say that I am completely out of that codependent situation. Thanks to everyone who helped me with that. Now I am in a relationship with an emotionally healthy individual. It has taken me all this time to find such a wonderful man but like I said, I am so afraid of losing him (due to my self doubts etc.) But thanks again for all the advice. I should see that movie that you are all talking about. Maybe it will shed some light on my situation. thanks

November 15, 2006
9:14 am
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2alone
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No - the movie is purely entertaining as Bill Murray and Richard Dryfuss are the main characters. I guess the point is that change takes time. Rome wasn't built in a night as they say. I was right there where you are not too long ago. And in fact my insecurities did lead to some major issues in our relationship. Get help, read, journal... you can make a change - it just won't be over night. If he's worth it - he will be supportive. Mine wasn't worth it and he left. Better to know it now I guess. Big hug! You'll be just fine.

November 15, 2006
12:35 pm
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Thanks for your words of support and for the big hug (2alone). I hope I can make a change. Of course, I have my doubts. I have sought out help but with no positive results. My insecurities undoubtedly go back to my childhood and teen years so they are firmly ingrained. I am proud of myself in that I found a healthy person instead of all the losers I usually hook up with. That is a step in the right direction. Sometimes, I have to pinch myself because he is so good in so many ways. Don't get me wrong. He is not perfect, but he is emotionally healthy and that is something I am not used to in a partner. So the fact that I chose to remain with someone like that has to be an indication that I am not totally screwed up.

November 15, 2006
1:29 pm
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caraway
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no more,

I hope that you find an answer to this and LET ME KNOW!! I could have, and have, written the same words. That is without qestion the thing about me that I like the least.

Oh poor me.... if I was in better shape, smarter, made more money, etc. Truth is, life is good and I just won't accept it. I don't think that it has anything to do with Codependency. I think that I am comfortable with misery and it is what feels familiar.

I am doing the same thing.

Cary

November 16, 2006
8:58 pm
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I doubt if I ever will find the answer and that is what concerns me. I am super critical of myself and harp on things that a normal person would just let go. Therapists have tried to help me turn the negative tapes off in my head but they have not been too successful (obviously, since I am talking about it here). I guess this is all coming up again because of the relationship I am in. If I am single then my self esteem isn't constantly challenged. Oh, well, I guess I just needed to vent.

November 17, 2006
9:36 am
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caraway
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no more,

I am with you. I have really been trying to "get out" of my current relationship and be alone. I know that I won't be happy alone either, but doubt is so tiring.

I did the same thing in my previous 12 year relationship.

Cary

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