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Guilty by Association?
October 4, 2006
8:49 am
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Anonymous
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My sister and I have had this childhood friend who for all accounts and purposes was a good person regardless of her what seemed to be never ending dramatic circumstances.Her father is an active alcholic,never abusive to her,but always in and out of jail on DUI for as long as anyone can remember.Her mother is sober,but recently had cancer surgery for the inside of her mouth,and is somewhat stable,but has next to nothing and lives with another of her children as she lives on disability.My friend had it all 2 years ago....a little boy she took care of with everything she had,a cute little apartment,a car,a job,and left her cheating,drug abusing ex(the boy's father)and was doing in general well for herself.
Last thanksgiving,my sister called to tell me that my friend and her current BF had gotten into an argument and that she got arrested for DV for slapping him across the face for calling her a name.He had shoved her and had been pinning her down on the sofa calling her names when she broke free and decked him,but she went to jail for it.We thought,"ok,she'll get rid of this guy and move on..."
We were wrong.Just after Christmas,we get another call to tell us that she was riding with him in a car,and that he said he needed to make a stop at a 7-11 for some cigarettes.He pulled up next to a car in the lot and started talking to a man in the car next to them.They were swarmed in an instant,and he was selling meth to an undercover cop.She had no knowledge of this,or that he even had drugs on him.She had no drugs on her,but was arrested on the original charge of conspiracy to distribute.She spent nearly 3 months in jail on this charge until a weasly public defender got her out on a plea bargain for her to take drug classes,UA's,pay $3200 in fines,and 3 years of supervised probation.She pled guilty to a charge of possession just to get out of jail,even though she never knew there were drugs in the car she was riding in.She had no criminal history,PERIOD,before she met this guy,and now has a rap sheet that reads like she is a hardened criminal.My sister goes and picks her up from her dad's house lastnight and brings her here to my house to visit.I WAS MORTIFIED!!She's not even the same person!She had her hair dyed all kinds of weird colors,has this idiot's name tattooed on her calf,and shows me a gold bracelet he "bought" her.She also proudly announced as though it were a good thing that she is pregnant by this guy,who is currently in jail on an unrelated charge to her case with him,and only 2 months ago,was told by him and some girl he knew before her that they were still seeing one another and that this girl was pregnant by him too.
She honestly believes this guy loves her,is going to be a good father,and they will get past all these pitfalls.She has lost everything she once had for this guy,and I am scared for her.She lives with her drunk dad and stepmom,has no job,no car,and no resources available to her to get on with her life.And it is so sad,but I don't want anything to do with her anymore,because like she claims,I don't want to be "guilty by association".My sister thinks I'm being irrational and that she's no different,just a victim of wrong place,wrong time.Advice??

October 4, 2006
9:29 am
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Loralei
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Your friend has made a serious of seriously bad judgements. She isn't the same person as she once was because of her associations. So it only makes sense that if you were to hang around with her, that she might rub off on you too. It is unhealthy to associate with people who behave badly, who don't learn from their mistakes, and who show poor judgement. She would be a negative influence on you these days. You don't need that in your life. She's the one who changed, not you. You owe her nothing, not even a friendship. Look where her "friendships" got her. Drop her and move on.

October 4, 2006
10:04 am
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atalose
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I don’t doubt your friend is a good person who continues to make seriously bad judgments for her life. She obviously grew up with dysfunction and is going to continue with that pattern in her life until she wants that to change. Her relationships are by her own design and after having had one bad drug abusing, cheating partner she is again choosing the same for herself. And that leads me to have the option that she knew exactly what this new guy was up to but like most people when caught, denial is the big river to float down. To have spent 3 months in jail also tells me she knew a lot more then she is leading you and your sister to believe. There is always bail reduction hearing, they don’t like to keep first time offenders around that long, but since they did and she made a plea bargain and is getting supervised probation and drug classes, leads me to believe she was using as well as selling.
Your choice to break away from this friendship is a very wise decision. Your sister may have to learn the hard way but if you set an example hopefully she will follow. It’s very hard to accept bad truths about people we know and cared or care about, but facts usually end up out weighting the stories once you break away from the emotions involved.

Atalose

~~Hope has a place, but not above reality~~

October 4, 2006
10:07 am
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mamacinnamon
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I don't worry about guilt by association coz I really don't care what folks say, but...

she is not the same person she was.

she is NOT trying to get better in any way.

she is showing very poor judgement by thinkin this guy is Mr Wonderful and there is yet another girl like her.. pregnant, etc. by this guy.

Folks in her situation tend to use and use till they use you for all they can get and then move on. That would be my big red flag.

I agree that hangin w/ her is not a good idea. Guilt by association aside... what influence on your kids does she have (if you have kids, i'm sorry I don't remember); are you watchin to make sure you don't have money, jewelry missing; is she bringin you down to her level or is she trying to bring herself up; what influence on you does she have.

Just my thoughts.

October 4, 2006
11:16 am
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Anonymous
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Lastnight was the first time I have seen her in over a year.At one time,I had no problems with her babysitting for me,coming over for dinner,helping her with her son,etc...but she had kept her distance for a long time after meeting this guy.She's had no bearing in my life for a long time now,and I do not want whatever she wants to contribute at this point.I know this is a woman I do not know inside her body.She has made the bad decisions and she has to live with them,I realize that.My sister,I think,seems to want to help the woman she once knew return,by giving her money,and even has talked to some people about giving her a job.This will bite my sister in the ass,and I just don't want to see my sister's life go to hell along with our friend.My husband was already in bed lastnight when they arrived,but could hear her voice when he was upstairs,and this morning,let me know he was furious with her,and that he does not want this woman in our home or our lives.He wishes she was the same ol' girl we once knew,but he has made his position clear.I have no problems respecting my husband's wishes for a total cutoff from this friend,until she gets her act together,if not ever again.It's just sad to see a lifelong friendship die with a person who is very much alive.

October 4, 2006
11:46 am
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atalose
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It's hard to do, sit back and watch someone throw there life away.
Your sister will have to learn the hard way. If this girl is using drugs that will become clear with her actions. Hopefully your sister will realize before she is sucked in to far. I also hope your sister respects your wishes of not wanting to be accociated with her.

Atalose

~~Hope has a place, but not above reality~~

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