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guest_guest!
January 22, 2001
2:40 pm
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mn
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glad to hear from you! Since you disappeared I'd been worried, and looked for your name through the threads.

just wanted you to know there's always someone who really cares...

January 22, 2001
3:57 pm
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realy?? u know i'm, so happy to see that u said that u cared. its such a nice feeling ! 🙂
strangely and honestly, i dont remember seeing ur nick ... :|. whats up? hows life?

January 22, 2001
4:02 pm
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wow my own thread. i can do what i like here. thanks mn 🙂

January 22, 2001
5:18 pm
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mn
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hi guest_guest,

I knew you didn't remember me but it doesn't matter. you were the first one to reply to my first post, and I really appreciated that.
in your last posts you said something like feeling depressed and suicidal then disappeared...I was so worried.
Just happy to hear from you again!

well, my life has been not toooo bad, though I still feel really down sometimes. after years of crying/screaming/swearing/feeling depressed/suicidal, I said to myself "ok that's it". life has been too unfair for too long, so I decided to be the one to make it fair.

it's not easy, though, when so many "external" factors are involved, when things are beyond my control. but at least I can be that external factor for someone, can't I? maybe no one cares about me, but I can care about someone and it could help that person. and I do care about you guest_guest, not because I want to, but because I just do.

I don't know about your life, but I came to identify with you through your posts. I know I'm not the right person to TELL you like everything changes and things get better if you believe in yourself, but at least I can DO something...like writing to you and letting you know that I care.

well, this message is a bit abstract...I'll write what happend during the holidays next time.

it's about 11.00pm here.
See you tomorrow

January 22, 2001
7:27 pm
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Molly
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Yes, we missed you, just guessed, you were doing good!!Glad your back.

January 22, 2001
8:13 pm
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Brenda
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you egoist. guest, connect with real live people and your life will change your depression will lift and so will your self esteem....promise.

January 22, 2001
8:32 pm
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awww MN . if u were here, i would give u big a hug and cry. when i was reading your post, my eyes were wet.. it was nice. but since my emotions surface rarely, that feeling just went away. i guess i'll have to scroll back up and read you again. bahhh. funny isnt it.

brenda, i dont feel like going to parties and meeting people. i'd rather stay in bed or on my computer. so ur saying that i should force myself to do those things, and they might make be better? what would i do at a party. i never have anything to say. well ONE thing is true, that now it has become very easier to make me laugh at the smallest things, when im in my good mood and when there's no work to be done. but in my bad moods, i show a jeykl and hyde side and i am depressed inside at that time, unable to enjoy, and all the while thinking that im in hell.

molly since youre a women and brenda too, i cant beleive in both of you. you cant exist. umm am i right. why why why. why a woman? how a woman? what a woman? u're all thinking im some sex crazed geek right. well.. actually like someone did say, i am confused. yes im confused about woman and about myself. what do they want? how do they look at the world. what do they like in men? i liked what cici said.

January 23, 2001
7:56 am
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janes
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What do we want?

What do men want?

Each PERSON wants different things but in this existence...self validation, harmony peace joy happiness.

and it's all found inside if you let your self find it.

January 23, 2001
7:07 pm
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Molly
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Gee, since I don't exist, never mind. Hehe:)

January 23, 2001
7:23 pm
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hehe.. then how come ure typing? thats what confuses me!

January 23, 2001
9:15 pm
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mn
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janes,
"all found inside" is the ultimate goal and I know you're right. but I just can't go like "ok it's all here inside, lets just find out". I'm still on the way to get there.

guest_guest, jeykl and hyde can be balanced. I found them in myself, and believe everyone has them too. my jeykl and hyde time are becoming less, but it does feel like I'm in hell. if you feel like that so often, I don't know what to say...just wish, wish some day j & h will be integrated.

are you talking about sexuality/identity? if so it's self defined and experience has little to do with it. everyone has both feminine and masculine sides, and their own definition. when someone say "I am a woman/man", that usualy mean female/male and I wouldn't bother to think how or why a woman/man. just a man/woman as generalised/simplest doesn't exist.

I'm too tired today...it's already 3:00. guest_guest, please keep posting on here

January 23, 2001
9:39 pm
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Molly
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maybe my alter ego, oh my gosh I think I am possesed

January 24, 2001
1:41 am
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mn
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molly, please don't misunderstand, I'm not talking about "women" as adult females...women do exist, so do men. even in beauvoir's sense they both do.

January 24, 2001
2:22 am
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no no no no no
women cant exist. but men do, since im a man. see!

January 24, 2001
12:37 pm
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Cici
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guest, how do you know that ANY of us exist? We could all be computers happily running in "sleep" mode while our owners are at work 🙂

I just wanted to mention something. You asked if you should force yourself to do things that you don't want to do, like go out and interact with people.

Welllll, I hate to break this to you. But adults always have to force themselves to do things they don't want to do. If you never suffer, you never grow into a better person. You just stagnate. Or break down. Either option sucks, IMHO.

I think that people have different reactions to suffering depending on whether they are growth-oriented or not growth-oriented. The second type fall into what humanistic psychologist Abraham Maslow ould term people with the "psychopathology of normalcy" - they sort of pretend that by acting in a way that is perceived to be "normal" they will be "normal" - when, in fact, no such thing exists.

People who are growth oriented react to challeneges to their fundamental belief system with curiosity, interest, and an open-mind. Those who are stagnating react with hostility, anger, depression or confusion.

What are you afraid of? Being rejected? Being hurt? Being lonely? What is this fear that seems to control your life? TELL ME!!!! I really want to know, man, seriously. What can it hurt to answer one teeny-tiny little question?

January 24, 2001
7:51 pm
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Molly
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mn, I was just being silly with guest-guest, no serious thoughts.

February 2, 2001
12:37 am
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stagnant. my life is stagnant! its like as if i'm just as good as dead!
hmmmm. well this is my thread mn made it for me. so i dont feel that much hesitation. plzz dont respond to me, i dont want you ppl to waste my words on me. i just thought doing this would make me feel better.

February 2, 2001
3:21 am
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i hate life! i hate life! i hate life!

:(((((

February 2, 2001
5:53 pm
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ok im feeling a teeny weenybit better now.

February 4, 2001
4:03 pm
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Guest_guest.

Who is the 'I' that is feeling a "teeny weeny bit better"?

Professor John Wren-Lewis, while traveling in Thailand, was poisoned by a would be robber. He remembered nothing of his brush with death. However his life underwent a profound change as a result of this experience. He now has a profound relationship with the 'Dazzling Dark', from which, he maintains, all things seem to emanate moment by moment.
Speaking of his encounter with the 'dazzling, radiant dark' during his near death experience and continuously ever since, John Wren-Lewis says:
". . . it is all still here, both the shining dark void and the experience of myself coming into being out of, yet somehow in response to, that radiant darkness. My whole consciousness of myself and everything else has changed. I feel as if the back of my head has been sawn off so that it is no longer the 60-year-old John who looks out at the world, but the shining dark infinite void that in some extraordinary way is also "I." And what I perceive with my eyes and other senses is a whole world that seems to be coming fresh-minted into existence moment by moment, each instant evoking the utter delight of "Behold, it is very good." Here yet again I am constantly up against paradox when I try to describe the experience. Thus, in one sense, I feel as if I am infinitely far back in sensing the world, yet at the same time I feel the very opposite, as if my consciousness is no longer inside my head at all, but out there in the things I am experiencing . . . ."

Further, Professor John Wren-Lewis concludes that there is little or no evidence of any spiritual system offering a sure road to awakening to this 'absolute' reality.

Maybe we are all one wonderful, eternal "Radiant, Dazzling Dark" experiencing being us. What do you reckon?

February 5, 2001
1:06 am
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i really am not in the mood of ansering! i feel like i wanna run away from here. see ? someone focuses on me and i want to run away from them. hmmmm. maybe im just tired. well that i am. also, if u had been someone i had nevetr talked to before, i would probably answer the question, but with people i already know, i keep themselves at a distance from me. i wonder whats gonna happen to me. hmmmmmmm

February 5, 2001
3:16 pm
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Guest_guest.

I know the feeling well. In my case, I suspect, it's because, with strangers, there's no past history with them with which I can 'shame' myself. I've woken up to that old trick of mine.

Is that how it is for you? Do you feel bad that people are nice to you when you think that you've nothing to offer them in return?

February 6, 2001
3:20 am
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yes i do feel bad. i feel i got nothing to give them back.

guess what. i wouldnt mind if i died painlessly. i got nothing to look forward in my life. i know im feeling down rigt now.. well.

February 6, 2001
5:37 pm
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Guest_guest.

You said, "i wouldnt mind if i died painlessly"

What if you knew that a beautiful woman was about to come into your life; a woman who could see the real you in the most intimate detail and who would unconditionally love you especially for that 'you' that you find so repulsive; a woman whose love for you was so great that she could not deny you anything; who would meet your every need? How would this make you feel to know that this woman was in you immediate future? Would you still want to die?

February 9, 2001
2:41 pm
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lewis
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Wow!

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