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got what I wanted....or did I?
July 13, 2009
9:08 pm
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risingfromtheashes
st regis falls, ny
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I wanted another baby....and got a gorgeous, and lively, little boy who keeps me on my feet.

I wanted to be married, part of a bigger family....and got married after two years of dating.

But it's not at all what I thought it would be.

Now, seven months later, I am facing a separation and divorce procedings in a state that is a PITA to get divorced in.

Why did it fail?

Well, in true codependant form....I was able to find yet another "fixer upper". And in true codependant fashion, I failed to see it, tho the writing was on the wall.

It would seem that THIS time I found a partner who has sexual issues....perhaps even an addiction....possibly the result of molestation as a child....add to that the lack of financial responsbility, maturity, responsibility and communication skills.

HOW THE HELL COULD I MISS ALL THIS?????

simply put, I am codependant....and tho many things were obvious - I underestimated the long term repercussions, or actually, how much it would harm our relationship. Some things were NOT obvious...and I have to rely on others to tell me, because he seems to have a split personality, with a side I never get to see.

so, I face the future as a single mom (again), but knowing how well I pulled it off before...I am not feeling very overwhelmed at the idea....the ONLY thing overwhelming me is the actual act of moving.

MaStrong mentioned the idea of being doomed to be alone due to her age...and I have to say that I am feeling doomed to be alone as well....but more because I am codependant....I am young, as is she....but it's more our own internal problems that keep us single and struggling, than a number on the calendar of life.

I am ok with leaving....I am going back to college to pursue a nursing career....I am excited about the future...he won't be far...I am staying in town and hoping he continues to be the good daddy that he truly is....

In the end, I had to decide what was best for me....and the kids....and without hesitation, I knew it was time to leave.

I often wonder "how" those people who lie in the bed they made do it....I made this mess, why can't I see it thru????? but in the end, I am NOT other people....I am me...and I am codependant...and sometimes the bed I make is just not one I want, or can, lie in....I struggle with this...does this make me a "bad" person?....is running the best solution????

In the end, I have to stop doubting and trust that I am doing the right thing...Can I go back if I think I want to try again? Probably...but the problems are gonna still be there...and most are intolerable...

I see now that I will never escape the clutches of being codependant...I just have to be more careful how I approach relationships.

On a better note...I AM doing better than I was when I showed up here several years ago....but there is much more room for improvement....

I know that at the very least, I have the baby I wanted....and I did the marriage life thing....so maybe it's out of my system??? who knows....would love a baby girl.....lol....but not pushing my luck...my son keeps me so busy that I can't fathom the thought of another life to manage.

July 13, 2009
9:22 pm
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CAMER
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rising!! so good to seee you posting...You probably knew deep down, all along what may have happened......its called "denial"...and I am very familiar with that in life & codependency.

Congrats on your baby boy!! and sorry for the break up of your marriage.

You seem to know what you want now...and maybe its time to just stay away from relationships, and work on yourself....and hopefully not get into another codependent relationship down the road.

All us codies, know the feeling, offering good advice, but when it comes to our own life, its harder to do.

Glad to see you posting & keep posting and talking out your feelings, its a good thing!

(((camer)))

July 13, 2009
9:53 pm
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red blonde
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Rising!

How are you!!! How is your daughter and your baby boy.

I know that things will be difficult for a while, but you have to do what is right for you.

Lots of people stay in a relationship or situation (like working at a job) that they don't like or don't feel good in, only because they don't know how it will be... in the future... whether they can handle being alone. Some have accumulated 'stuff' and that also makes them leary to leave.
It is fear(s) that hold them back, chain them to unhealthy and unhappy situations.

I am so glad you are posting again, though very sad about your situation.

Red!

July 14, 2009
11:27 am
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StronginHim77
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Welcome back, Rising!

I am truly delighted to learn that your baby boy is doing so well and that you are enjoying parenthood of both your children so much.

However, I am genuinely sorry to learn about the failure of your marriage. I think the handwriting was on the wall from the get-go. (Most of us codies have pushed ahead with a marriage we knew was classic codie partnering. I am certainly no exception!)

Hopefully, you will be able to step back and use this time for healing...and learning to be alone, without being lonely. It is tough, being a single parent. I do feel for you. But I also believe you have the courage and determination to do it.

Again, I am sorry for the pain you must be feeling and the loss. It is always hard to let go of our dreams for happiness and that "perfect, loving companion." So, you will be mourning for a season. Most of us have been there and can relate.

Do keep posting. We are here for you.

Again, welcome back. It was good to see your name here, although the news posted was sorrowful.

- Ma Strong

July 14, 2009
12:12 pm
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atalose
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Rising,

Welcome back and I am truly sorry for the circumstances that brought you back. I personally know how much your posts have helped me in the past and the wonderful insights you have.

I believe it was you that coined that fraise “fixer upper” and one that stay with me to this day. I also believe there are many types and degrees of “fixer uppers” and if we’ve dealt with some prior to a greater degree then seeing a more covert “fixer upper” is something we all need to continue to work on.

I can’t remember what state you had moved to but I do hope your divorce moves along without hesitation. What has been his reaction to that?

How is your daughter handling all this, a new baby and the divorce?

Do you think you will be staying at this location or moving back to where you were before the move?

I am happy that your baby boy is doing great and that aspect of your life has been fulfilled.

(((rising)))

Atalose

~~Hope has a place, but not above reality~~

July 14, 2009
12:44 pm
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sad sack
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(((risingfromtheashes)))

So great to see you back.

Atalose, said it perfectly. We are so happy to see you back on these threads. You always offered such wonderfully wise and insightful advice.

I am sorry, however, that you are going through a break-up. You seem very strong and determined, though, so I have every confidence that you will come through this a much healthier and wiser woman.

sad

July 15, 2009
9:25 am
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lollipop3
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((((Rising)))),

I'm sorry to hear that things ended up this way. As you mentioned, you have been down this road before (being a single Mom) and I have no doubt that you will get through this. You are strong and intelligent and capable and definately not a "bad" person.

You asked why you didn't see this? If I may be so bold I will dare to say that you didn't see it because you didn't want to see it.

In my opinion, the biggest mistake we codies make is refusing to accept that WE are our own worst enemies. WE are the ones that need the work. We think if we go to an Alanon meeting or see a therapist a couple of times that we are cured and ready to take on the world with all of our new found expertise. Unfortunately, that is not how it works. As we all continue to find out.....over and over again.

I don't believe for one moment you will spend your life alone. Or at least you don't have to. Nor does StronginHim. But I also believe that it takes a commitment and a lot of hard, difficult and painful work to get to a place where you are ready to recieve a more healthy relationship.

Please know that I am not trying to be harsh, nor am I judging you in any way. I am only trying to be honest and speak from my own personal experiences.

As you know, I have done the same things myself over and over again.

I have been in an out of therapy since I was 12 years old. Of course then I didn't need it. Right? Then my mother got me involved in Alateen at about 13 or so but of course I didn't need that either. She was the one with the problem, not me. Then when she died I got involved in physically abusive relationship. I didnt need any therapy then of course because he was the problem not me. So instead of getting help at that point I just left him and got involved with a man in a serious motorcycle club so the ex couldn't touch me.
That relationship, although one I do not regret, was probably not the healthiest relationship in the world by most peoples standards. I still love him though (the ex-ex) and am grateful to have been involved with him.

After him was a string of very unhealthy, verbally and mentally abusive relationships including one with a drug and sex addicted, alcoholic. I ended up on medication with that one after my anxiety got so bad that I couldn't function.

At that time I went for help. I went to Alanon and took my meds and when I felt good enough, I broke up with him and moved on to the next one. And of course I was cured at that time because I had gone to a few Alanon meetings after all. Right?

And then of course came Snowblower which led me to one of the more humiliating experiences of my adult life.

It was only then...at around age 32 or so that I finally realized what the problem was. And it finally occured to me and I finally ACCEPTED that the problem was me.

From that point on, even while contining my relationship with Snow, I quit drinking and got into therapy where I went bi-weekly (and sometimes weekly) for the next two years. I read every book she recommended and did all of the "homework" assignments she gave me, no matter how difficult or uncomfortable it made me (except for the line dancing which I could never bring myself to do :o). I attended Alanon weekly for almost a year (returned back to open arms from my former group). I went back to school. I came to this site nearly daily to seek support and encouragement and the truth even though it was difficult to hear sometimes. And I really took that truth to heart. I really tried to HEAR it and push through my own denial. And I am so grateful to all of you who gently told me the truth without judgement.

In the end, I honestly believe that all of that difficult and painful work paid off.

Having said that...
Am I perfect? Of course not. Is my relationship perfect? No.

And I'm sure that there is more that I could do to continue to improve and grow. And no doubt I have a bit complacent in my "recovery" at this point.

But I did a lot of hard work and for that I am proud. And I am good. I am better than I ever have been. And my relationship is good.

So after my long winded post here.....my point is this.....

It is my belief that IF we are to recover then we MUST do the work necessary to recover. No matter how difficult or inconvenient it may be.

My thoughts are with you Rising. I wish you the best and will support you in any way I can.

Love,
Lolli

July 15, 2009
9:26 am
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lollipop3
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Rising,

I wanted to ask too....how is daughter doing with all of this?

July 16, 2009
11:07 pm
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sdesigns
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Rising: Nice to see you back but sorry to hear how things turned out w/ 26. I was just looking thru the old sex thread and skimming thru lots of the posts- especially when you two first hooked up and all that went on then. Some of it was sad, alot of it was a hoot!- we DID have fun then. Remember the denise/ dennis texting thing? I dunno, rising, maybe look back thru that and see what you think about it now.

((((Rising))))

sd

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