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Got engaged!!!
June 27, 2007
10:07 pm
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needtoheal
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Yes,.... I did say yes to PS (otherwise known as Pondscum) when he asked me to marry him...

For those that do not know this story, I had once been engaged to PS only to give back the engagement ring a few days later... (Valentine's Day 2006).... Since that time, we had never broken up until last fall when I first came to this website.. We have now been back together and I have to say that by not seeing him for three months did change a lot in both of us..

My two boys are happy..

I know that life is not perfect...
I know that life is also short..

We are now both committed to try the best that we can at a relationship.

*** NEED ***

June 27, 2007
10:11 pm
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mj
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Congratulations!!!! Wish you all the happiness and love!

June 28, 2007
11:34 pm
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needtoheal
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Mj-- thanks for your well wishes.. Thanks for posting.. It means a lot to me...

NEED

June 28, 2007
11:37 pm
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Randomwomen2
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(((Need))) congrats sweetheart

June 28, 2007
11:43 pm
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bevdee
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Need -

Congratulations!

June 29, 2007
12:02 am
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ggfred4
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(((Sweet Need)))

Okay, have to say this was a surprise, but I only want happiness for you. Congratulations!!!

gg

June 29, 2007
7:33 am
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needtoheal
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Thanks Random, Bev and GG....

I know that it does come to you, gg, as a suprise... and I do understand all of your love & concern as well (Remember, you are the one who has told me to guard my heart!), but I also know that as my sister you just wish for me to be happy! Thanks for your support.. It means a lot to me.

Love,
NEED

June 29, 2007
8:39 pm
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Rasputin
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{{{{Sweet Need}}} Praying for all happiness and blessing to you and PS!!! I'm so thrilled and actually was surprised, just like gg, to hear this lovely news. You really derserve it!!!!

June 30, 2007
7:06 pm
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StronginHim77
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Need -

How well I remember those difficult months when you attempted NC with your fiance last November/December!

At the time, your (then) exbf was emotionally not available to you. I recall a funeral when he failed to give you any support. (If I remember correctly, he actually got mean with you on the phone when you called him during that ordeal?) And he was a bigtime, former pothead (10 year user?).

I hope that he has begun to address his addiction issues. I am not simply talking about quitting pot. I am talking about the CAUSE of his need to escape from Reality. If he entered into therapy to address these issues during your 3-month separation, that bodes well for your future together. Especially since the peace and security of your two sons hang in the balance. Aren't they around 8 and 10 now? Or somewhere in that neighborhood?

I hope that he is supportive of your parenting struggles. One (or both?) of your boys had ADD or something similar, right? So, you certainly need (and deserve a partner who is highly supportive and compassionate, particularly towards your children.

Although I generally do not believe addicts or emotionally unavailable people change, it is still possible. I hope your marriage turns out to be one of the happy exceptions to such a grim generalization. I know that you have cared about this man for a long, long time. So, I hope and pray that he is doing the work to be a sensitive, kind-hearted, attentive and protective husband to you and stepfather to your sons. If you see ANY red flags, please step back and wait. Put the wedding plans on "hold" and resolve those red flags BEFORE saying "I do." Marriage does not change us; it simply changes the setting, the pressure and the expectations.

My very best wishes to you all...

Love,

Ma Strong

June 30, 2007
7:14 pm
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jewel
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Congrats!!!!!!!! I know the excitement of being engaged. Love is a beautiful thing. I wish you both the best. I don't know your story, but hope only good thoughts for you.

Jewel

July 1, 2007
9:36 am
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needtoheal
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Thanks Ras.. Your blessings and prayers are very much appreciated.. I hope that we can keep in touch more often..

love,
NEED

July 1, 2007
9:37 am
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needtoheal
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Thanks Jewel for your well wishes for us both!!!!

July 1, 2007
10:06 am
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needtoheal
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Ma Strong--

Thanks for posting.. I did struggle for a long time when I was doing the best that I could for the three months of No Contact with him..

I had been highly doubtful that things could change between us.. not only based upon his behavior but mine as well which contributed to how things failed between us..

I did take a long step back from the situation and let go for a while.. I knew that although I was unable to do the complete No Contact, I still did not see him for three months.

I went out last night with him and a friend of his who he bowled with from the fall until this past spring. His friend was with him during the timespan that we were apart. His friend told me that he was miserable without me and that he expressed that it was a big mistake for him to take a break from me.. I think though, the break was needed. We both had to deal with our issues. As far as his addictive nature, he has addressed them.. In fact, I never told him what he needed to do nor did I push him.. He took the initiative on his own.. all of which I am proud of him for..

The night that I had the funeral for my father's friend was disappointing because he was unemotionally available for me at the time. The reason that he was unavailable was due to the fact that I was being pushy and annoying by calling him incessantly. He did not tell me at the time that there was a couple that he lent money and the reason that he was with them was to collect the money before going to go out with me that night.. It was also confirmed that this was his intention by the person that he was collecting his money from that night-- only confirmed months later....

He has changed in MANY ways. He is not short-tempered and there have been many opportunities since we got back together for him to react the way in which I had expected.. He has been more open with his feelings and we have been communicating much better since having the time off.
This is something that we both had to address and yes it is hard to do but I have seen that it does take effort on both parts to be effective. I have learned a lot..

As far as my children are concerned, they both have embraced this man in my life. They both love and care about him. In all honesty, he has always been there for them more than their biological father who makes promises but never keeps them. My children get counseling in school and the counselor has talked to me on several occasions about how the children feel about this man.. when we were apart and now that we are together.

I have seen them become bonded which, if you can recall, was a concern of mine so I did not allow such closeness to occur because I kept him at arms length with my children..

The child that has ADHD (who will turn 10 in August) has not been this HAPPY IN A LONG TIME!! My mother has been watching them while I am at work since they got out of school and my mother said that he has talked to her about PS (aka pondscum) and she feels that has not been this happy in a long time...
PS has sat down with him and been attentive to his special needs. He does understand his ADHD and his learning disability.; In fact, my son asked him to help him with some homework one night. PS, who had learning difficulties in school as well, sat with him and showed him various ways in which my son could relate in a different way. I was impressed. This was not just a one time occurence.

I do understand your concern about hitting the pause button in regards to how things are with me and PS.. We have not yet set a date although we are thinking about getting married next summer.

I have to admit that I am much happier now than I have been in a very long time. I am so proud of us both because I have been able to see how we have both changed in relating with one another. It is not a situation in which we both keep reitterating that we need to change; we actually take action and use the steps for that to become reality.. It is more postive than when I was with my ex-husband. That was something in which there was no hope at all because he was unable and/or unwilling to look at himself and address his issues and at the same time, take the necessary steps with me in order for any change to occur. Therefore, that is why I am more hopeful now than ever that as long as we are able to keep an open line of commmunication, it will be best for us for the future that we are planning..

I have had three people die all within three weeks. I have seen someone who was my age of 37 die from ovarian cancer and leave behind a husband and two children. Life is too short. That is another reason why I was skeptical at first to go back with PS.. I did not feel that we could change; However, on the other hand, I also thought that if life is too short then I should give it also another chance and see if things could change....

I do appreciate your concern, insight, and well wishes...

Sincerely,

**NEED**

July 1, 2007
10:29 am
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Isis
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Congratulations Need!

Does PS get a new name now? Because after-all, if you're marrying him, he must be better than "pond scum"!

😉

Love you chickie,

Isis

July 1, 2007
10:43 am
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needtoheal
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Thanks ISIS... and yes, that is a good point... Now for a new name?? Hmmmm... have to think about that!!!

love ya !!!!

July 2, 2007
5:14 pm
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lovinglife
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Need~ (((sis))))

Congrats on the new engagement. I hope only for the best for you and the boys with PS now being an active part of your lives again.

In many ways I am truly happy for you...your right, life is short and why not take the chance to see if things have changed and to see where it goes- he once was a part of your and the boys’ life and you were NOT happy when he was NOT in it. People can and do change, life sitz's change over time, the meaning of relationships change. If both of you are willing to give what it takes to overcome the previous problems – there will be a stronger chance that the two of you along with the boys will find happiness together….find that happiness you both want and deserve. Relationships are not always perfect (that is fairy tale thinking) but if two people make the commitment to each to other, to their relationship, my belief is that any obstacles can be overcome. Have you and PS talked about or thought about giving couples counseling a try or other things like an “Engagement Encounter” weekend? Anything that has the possibly of enhancing your relationship, forming a deeper bond between the two of you can only help lay the foundation for its success, regardless of the past.

Now a serious question for you here…
OK, which one of the sisters is going to be the maid of honor??!! It better not be GG-she always has to be in the spot light (no background stuff for her I found out the hard way!!)…I vote for Michy…: ) Oh and can I bring Potato Head as my date to the wedding?!

Love ya Need. LL

July 2, 2007
5:29 pm
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needtoheal
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Thanks LL for the kind words of encouragement and best wishes!!

Guess I am going to have to find another name for PS ? Any suggestions?

How about all of my sisters be the maids of honor instead of choosing just one??

LL-- I cannot tell you how much changes I have seen with not only PS but us both since we took that time off..
Sometimes after I am with him I will drive away shaking my head in amazement because of the differences that I see and feel when I am with him.. !! (no exaggeration either)

How's things going with you? I hope that this post finds you happy and healthy..

You will always be a part of my life LL.. no matter what directions we go..

love,
NEED

July 2, 2007
5:31 pm
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needtoheal
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Oh and LL -- you are welcome to bring Potato Head to the wedding..!!

love ya sister!!!

((LL))

July 2, 2007
6:04 pm
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ScaredinMichigan
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WHOA.....

Potato Head??? My love is unconditional...BUT....can we try for WC??? LL, PLEASE....

I would stand next to ANY one of my sisters no matter what they decide...I love you ALL...and I will till the end.

I am blessed to call you ALL my sisters....it has saved my life. I believe that.

Love to you ALL...

Michy....

(((Need, LL, Cyn, gg)))

July 3, 2007
12:17 am
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lovinglife
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Need~

Its been said that time apart helps the heart grow fonder. Too often it seems that once we get comfortable in a relationship we take things for granted - like each other. Perhaps the two of you needed the time apart to help both of you realize this.

Now I don’t want to advise to guard your heart because you need to have faith that it’s going to work and by ‘guarding your heart’ that’s basically setting things up for failure. The only bit of wisdom I’d like to pass on is when problems do come up- nip them in the bud right away- don’t do the denial thing, don’t do the justification thing, just face it head on. ALSO remember that if challenges should arise it doesn’t mean that it wasn’t suppose to be (the two of you back together) and doesn’t mean you made a grave mistake but means there is still work to do. ANY great relationship I believe just doesn’t happen- it was worked on by both people because both wanted it.

OK…so I suppose all the sisters could be maid of honors- but who then gets to hold your bridal bouquet at the appropriate time and who also gets to also stand next to you??? : )

And Michy, honestly what would be so wrong with PH being my date at Need's wedding??? He looks real nice in a suit and tie sis. And besides remember at one time when I said that if I was to end up marrying PH - YOU’RE in the wedding??!! So now here we are talking about weddings- it just seems fitting that he’d be my date- don’t ya think?! You, me, him - all together in the same place (!!!)

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