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Got a Phone Call From My EX!!! WHY ME!
October 2, 2003
1:51 am
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ms.confused
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I got a phone call from my ex... ive been doing so good holding strong. He called me because he said hes doing bad and he couldnt reach any of his other outlets of support. Hes quit going to NA and hes hanging around with his old crowd again. He still hasnt relapsed but hes having alot of relased thinking. Anyway.. i was holding up really strong and now i have those feelings again.. like hes gonna work his way back in... I really know that nothings gonna change and i stayed really strong and told him that im the happiest i have been in a long time and i cant really do anything for him that he cant do for himself. He said i know him better than anyone else and he just needed someone to give him so hope and advice. He was feeling really down and hes been wanting to call or come by but my friend told him that i didnt want to have anything to do with him. I told him that he no longer effects me and that ive moved on with my life. And for the first time i realized i didnt need him to make me happy anymore that i can make myself happy. I told him he needed to find that same peace that i feel right now.. But the truth is i have found that inner peace but at the same time im lonely and i want him but i know things are still the same. He called me from his cell phone at his new girls house.. i could hear all her kids running around in the background. He asked me when we could get together and do something. I told him i dont think thats safe. I can talk to him right now on the phone but i dont know how things would be in person and im not ready to deal with that yet. He said WOW..well at least your honest.I know if i seen him and he was so needy that id fall face first and wonder why i allowed it later on. I guess i have grown a little but i cant help but to have those feelings of loneliness and missing him terribly and remembering all the good instead of bad. I just dont want to be sucked in again. SOmeone please knock all the bad things back in my brain so i dont forget how awful things were...HUGS

October 2, 2003
2:22 am
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Anam Cara
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ms.confused

Who am I to talk - feel the same as you - still feel the same actually. but of course we both relies that we are servicing our own needs - nothing to do with wanting to help the other party.

Co-dependents are aware of the meaning of the word - but just cannot help putting their heads back in the Lions mouth.

Would it help if I said get to hell out of the way of this man - you know he will survive he makes a call from a girl friends house!

You know we have got to give ourselves a swift kick in the arse - hit ourselves over the head with a tin tray whilst singing 'Mule Train.'

GOD - help us co-dependents we are completely out of control!

Or are we? - I am moving away from my troubles but taking a bundle of doubts.

But move away I will!

Shout out Help Me Think ME!

Anam

October 3, 2003
12:33 pm
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ms.confused
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Yea.. i always feel so stupid when i allow myself to move backwards when ive gotten so far ahead. He called again yesterday and asked me for PS2 cheats from the net. You could hear all the kids in the background once again.. of course i fell right into his trap got on the pc looked up the codes and told him them and then he asked me to call and leave todays meditation on his voice mail. I didnt do it tho.. i felt so bad after talkin to him and allowing me to DO WHAT he wanted and not listen to my inner self. I know it seems like a stupid task but its really the principle of it all.. Hes able to pull my strings and I fall for it everytime.. I felt so bad after and still kinda do.. I know i cant talk to him without feeling all these emotions so why do i do it? why is it hes the only one that can make me go against myself and then i feel so terribly used afterwards? I guess i just need to take responsibility for it all but its so hard to not talk to him at the same time because i love him so much still. I cant even see how that is possible. My name really serves its purpose for the day. Thanks Anam for responding. Its always nice to read your posts.

October 3, 2003
2:46 pm
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unhappy camper
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ms.confused
Don't relent!!!!!

You will sooooo regret it!!!!

Imagine the nerve of that guy!!!!!

There is call blocking available from the telephone company. Or do you have call display???

Don't let him sucker you in again and then he'll call another woman from your house....and on and on....

He is too greedy and needy and does nothing in return and does not deserve all he is asking/demanding.

Do the swift kick thing PLEASE!

hugs,
write write write here....we are your support

October 3, 2003
4:47 pm
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Molly
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Best relapse prevention technique, is to just say no, Avoid, stay away, don't talk, don't see, avoid at all cost. Kill him off mentally, remember the bad, remember the pain, remember the cost, remember how hard it was to get where you are, and what the cost will be if you go where your weak side wants you to, this is addiction pulling you..... avoid it.

October 3, 2003
6:10 pm
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Ladeska
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So okay.........let's just say "what if" here.......what if - you go back to what you had before? What are the payoffs here? What is it really that you crave? Think about that some and try to answer it honestly because there is an answer in there. It may surprise you as to "what" it is - but it's there. It's the cookie you get - for the choice you make here and is the draw towards the poisoned apple. But WHAT is IT?

Welllll...........just look back over your shoulder and examine other times when you've done this and see what you got for it. Did you get a really wonderful time for a short period of time that stroked your ego, gave you a physical rush and then BAM!!!

One would look at that and go One Helluva a night in bed, huh? Was he or she THAT good?? OR, wow, they really did this and that for me and that was really nice of them!!

But when you examine the price tag of that time in the sack or whatever it was they did for you - was it really, really worth it?

Was it a fair deal or fair trade or whatever? If not, then you could say at best - you've been conned, swindled, etc. So okay, say that. What then? What is the real lure that would keep a person going back time and time again into the lion's den?

Could it be that what's really at stake here and what we won't even touch and bury with denial at all costs is - to really look at the fact that when we made the decision to fall this hard and this fast for this person - we were deceived back then? And if we were - does that say something horrible about us?

That WHILE we gave our heart, while we signed on the dotted line and turned everything we hold dear over to them......we were being conned THEN....? Not just now, all of a sudden.....but back....then. Would it make a difference to us if we saw it - that way?

When we really give our heart away, when we put soooo much of ourselves into someone like this - the thing is - we take a bit of pride in selecting this person, we believe things to be true when they say they love us back, when they say they are like us in this and that way, when they say they understand, they are on our wavelength....we open the doors right up and in they come. Their love becomes part of - who WE are. Sooooo....attached to all that is a trust thing and a pride thing. We were soooo sure we were right and that they were perfect for us and that everything was going to go pretty much to "our" plans here.....or so we hoped...

But when all that falls through, when it blows up in our face and when this other person that we never saw is glaring us in the face and the mask is off and challenging what - we first believed about them.....do we......or do we not come face to face with the fact that we misjudged them? That in our hour of glory, when emotions were high, when we were just sooo sure that we gave our heart away........do we struggle with simply saying......I did not see you THEN as you are. Not as you became, not who you all of a sudden turned into being - but to say - you were this person - back then when I gave my all to you.

That to me seems to be the trip up point and where people finally let go and the attraction and the lure is finally severed. When we face ourselves and say.......it's okay that we were fooled, that we gave our heart away and we were conned. It's okay because people are very good at what they do. We aren't brought into this world "knowing all" and far from knowing the depths of human deception.

And it's okay to say that we gave our all and they did not do the same and we didn't see that or know it or weren't able to recover fast enough.

It's okay.....because we are humans and we are "learning and adapting" creatures to our environment and to stimulus and new thoughts and ways.

But that one factor was something I really sought out when some things had happened to me and that was the answer I came up with for myself. I had the hardest time giving as I did to someone who was sooo unworthy and was therefore susceptible still to them as long as I would not go back and just see things the way they were all along and be okay with "me" about it.

My pride held me back. My need to be right or to make it right because I had given so much, too much. It was like I had to make the high price worth it somehow.

Sometimes we just have to look at it and go - Learning Curve!!! I messed up, but I learned something very valuable from it. Wherein the other person doesn't learn much. Maybe how to con someone in a different way, but they aren't really growing from experiences in life. They are digressing.

It's okay to wake up one day and go OMG, You're a giraffe all this time!! I never saw that long neck and those spots!! I thought you were a water buffalo!!! Instead so many people go well I can't admit I fell for that one or was THAT deluded or ignorant or giving or whatever SO it's very, very tempting to go right back into again so I can make my choice - Right - after all.

Could that be - the lure?

October 5, 2003
6:38 pm
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ms.confused
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I sat down and did an inventory on myself and the whole situation.. it seems im having a hard time letting go.. I so mucb wished things could have worked out between us and that the whole situation could have been different. He came by the house today to pick up some of his things. He called first and said that he was coming by to get his TV and i told him he wasnt getting it. He came anyway and i was upstairs and my girls let him in. He couldnt believe that I wouldnt give him his TV. I told him it was the principle of the matter. That he leaves things here so he has a reason to come back and make it harder on me to let go. I really didnt care if he got the TV or not but i think i was trying to hold it so i could hold on to him. He was gonna leave everything else here but when i made a big deal about it he took everything but his hat. In which his hat means everything in the world to him ( its the only thing hes ever gotten from his father). I really dont know what to think. i dont know why I made a big deal out of it but i think most of it was because i always feel used and that he thinks he can come and go as he pleases. I wasnt gonna open the door for him when he came but the girls didnt know any better cuz i didnt say anything to them. He said he thought i was playing on the phone when he talked to me. He didnt know i was serious and he said i was being selfish because hes left so many other things here and i could have them. He said he didnt want to leave here with the TV with alot of bitter feelings between us and i said theres already so many bitter feelings one more aint gonna hurt just get what u came here and leave..He grabbed his things and left..neither said anything to each other after that.. im so confused.. Im lookin at things two different ways.one being that this will prolly be the last time i talk to him and another being that im feeling really lost and alone and dont know if i handled the situation accordingly

October 5, 2003
7:01 pm
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Ladeska
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You handled it the best way you could at the time. So what if it wasn't "perfect", should it be? I mean you have your feelings, he has his. The truth of any matter here is somewhere in between. But the separation just needs to happen here. What each person does beyond that, is up to "each" person. Time for the game playing with each other though.......to end. And if you bleed a little from pulling away from "that" - then sobeit, you need to let it bleed, feel the pain and resist the temptation to run right back into the game. It's all a thing of your willpower now....

Maybe all this madness with him, kept you from really finding out what makes you happy - that doesn't require another person giving it to you.... Sometimes we get caught up in crazymaking because there's this other thing.....we just don't want to face or deal with. Not sure why...being our own best friend isn't the worst thing in the world that could happen to us. I could think of alot worse things...(smile)

October 5, 2003
8:07 pm
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unhappy camper
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ms.confused
What you will enjoy is the gradual return to peace and harmony in your home without him. You will gradually become happier and stronger and your children will benefit from that.
You both may end up in counseling. But a rest from the "excited misery" of your life will do you the world of good. Go have a long hot bath and dream of a sandy beach with the surf and clouds.

Coddle yourself and your children. How old are they?

Want to change the locks? Want to see a lawyer for a separation agreement? It can be set aside if there is a reconciliation.

Take your time and think things over. It's going to be a rough few months before you feel good. I am in my 7th week without speaking to him although he has been away since last Dec.2002.

I wonder what he is doing. I can only wait and see. And meanwhile, I am calmer and more organized and able to cope better. I had a good day today and cleaned the oven and fridge and went grocery shopping. All set for the week.

But at first, I felt I was going to die. But, know what? I didn't.
🙂

October 8, 2003
6:45 pm
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ms.confused
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I have my good days and my bad days.. today seems to be one of those not so good days..I just have so many mixed emotions regarding him and it hurts knowing that we arent together but at the same time it hurts when we are together also. Hes already moving on with his life without me with his new girlfriend and her kids so its really a no win situation either way. The thing that hurts me the most is because he always seemed to have a problem with my age diffenence even tho its only like 4 years and he seemed to have a problem with my kids behavior. I dont see his current situation any different than ours shes as old as i am and her kids are just as bad (even tho mine are angels) (smiles). My girls are 10 and 12 and they love him as much as i do. Just hate his inconsistancy the same as me so they are scared to get to close because every time they do he runs away. Im not sure what my future holds but sometimes i already feel like im already dead. I dont know.. talk to yall later. bye for now.

October 10, 2003
1:19 pm
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nelyam0261
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...all our stories are basically the same, the patterns reapeat....I'm divorcing, we did love each other, but living together became hell. Both raised in dysfunctional families, both codependent, one the exact complement to the other. He the perfect verbally abusive husband I'm the perfect victim needed to be rescued, neiter of us able to get any healtier ways to relate to each other....pain is all is left...overcoming co-dep will be hard , but is the only road to a better life, I don't know what I feel or who I am behind this walls that unconcienly I created between my feelings and myself...but what I'm sure of is that feeling that I'm a victim, thinking that the hurt comes from outside and that the choice is not mine are fallacies, simtoms of the disease-CO-DEPENDENCY. I chose my husband because in a way he recreated the patterns of abuse I knew from chilhood, it was my unconcient choice, he choose me to recreate, the abuse perpetuated by his father on him, onto a weaker person that would "play" him as a kid.... well, now I know, a lot of reading, counseling and so much pain...

October 10, 2003
1:27 pm
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gingerleigh
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You cannot stop the cycle until you know what is happening. From this understanding, comes action. Right now, you realize that you are on a downhill runaway bicycle with no brakes and in bare feet. The only ways to stop are going to involve pain, either crashing into a tree, wiping out in the gravel or dragging your tender feet on the pavement. But you can do it, and once you stop, you can salve bandage your wounds and heal. And you will be so much smarter in the future on any bikes you try in the future, making sure to test the brakes and wear shoes before you get on it.

This too shall pass.

October 10, 2003
3:56 pm
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sixfootblonde
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I like your analogy gingerleigh. Very apt.... 🙂

October 15, 2003
3:19 am
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ReLearning2LiveGirL
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Nice Gingerleigh....you regained my hope a little bit. It seems that you offer a lot of advice on the site....you wouldn't happen to be rescuing others would you? (smiles)

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