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Good Days and Bad Days
October 24, 2006
3:26 pm
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findingmyselfagain
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Today is a bad day! I have been working on recovering from the loss of trust in my 20+ year relationship. The sting of betrayal is very difficult to overcome. For a long time I just wanted him to leave and did every thing I could to make it happen. He held on tighter. He did apologize, he did say he would work to be a better man and in that a better mate. It has been a rocky road but there have been more good days now since I have been able to get past the feelings of resentment, hate, anger, and pain. However, I still feel suspicion, defense and anxiety from time to time, especially when he presses my buttons.

Today he pressed my buttons when I inquired about whether or not we were operating under the air of deception. This stemmed from his behavior when he lent me his phone and I saw phone numbers and voicemail message indicators and I had not called him. Normally he makes it quite clear that the only person that calls him on his cell phone is me and sometimes his kids. I tried to surpress the urge to look at the numbers and not to bring up my feelings of suspicion because there may have been perfectly good reasons for the calls and messages, however, his reaction is what resonated in my mind. He sat very close to me when I was handling the phone and I felt nerverous energy from him. He watche me so closely when I handled the phone and he never attempted to explain the message indicators. When I handed him back the phone he quickly erased all indicators. When we finally discussed it a week later, he said it was nothing but didn't explain the callers. I lied and told him I saw the numbers, wrote them down and called them. I know I did this just to get a reaction and he careful responded by saying no problem. Then when I told him that he gave off the vibes of suspicion he relaliated by saying I give off negative energy in social settings and that it destroys me. I wanted to respond further but just stated that I feel like he believes I give off negative vibes when I am not trying to and that I do not feel any support from him, in fact I feel he works against me and I am left all alone. He didn't respond and I didn't push. Overall we were venting our anger at one another, he at me, I feel, for having flashbacks of distrust, and me at him, I feel because I struggle with trust and support from him.

So today I discovered this website because I know he won't agree to counseling. He promised before that he would seek a counselor to help us out, but usually he talks the talk but never walks the walk. He would rather weather the storm than have his shortcomings revealed to an outside unknown source. So here I am seeking support.

October 24, 2006
4:04 pm
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taj64
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First off, welcome. It appear that you not trust him. without trust a relationship is unsuccessful. I suspect he cheated on you since you mentioned the word betrayal. You can either trust or not. YOu cant trust for the most part and then lack of it time to time. You either do or not. He doesnt appear to trust you either. This game of checking the phones, is saying I do not trust you. His pulling away the phone and appearing to be very concerned about what you might find, is something that he is indeed hiding but he is playing on your blaming in on your insecurity rather than facing the truth. Im not saying always, but once a man cheats he is more than likely to cheat again but that is not always the case. Betrayal is the worse feeling in the world. You really do have to question why he will not go to counseling. He should be willing to go and would have no problem if he wants to earn the trust. It is really about him, and his needs and less on yours. Why do you want to settle for more good days than bad days? Why do you wnat to settle for checking phones etc? If you have a relationship that is honest and trusting there is no need to have an urge to check or for him to have only you call him on that phone. He says you have negative energy in social settings. That to me is from low self esteem. I think it is pretty common for women to suffer low self esteem when a partner cheats on them. My best advice for you at this time, is to work on yourself first and foremost and take the focus off your husband. He doesn't appear willing to work at this marriage and you do. You should not feel alone. He should be reassuring you instead of blaming you for something he did and should not have done. It might even be a good idea just to counseling for yourself so that you can make a decision if you come to that point where you feel like you need to leave. Be in the relationship if you want to be in it. Don't do it for the sake because he pulled you tighter. Some men have a way of pulling and pushing and it is no way to live. And the pulling you in is what keeps you tied in. You do not deserve to be in a situation where you do not trust. Mostly important focus on you and what you feel, because they are valid and important.

October 24, 2006
4:24 pm
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jastypes
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A very wise counselor recently told my husband that the only way to rebuild trust is by exhibiting days, weeks and months of CONSISTENTLY honoring and respectful behavior. We're not there yet. My husband has trouble putting a whole day together. But at least we know what it will take.

It is very possible that the negative energy you felt when you were looking at is phone came from his worrying about what you would think or say.

On the other hand, it might be a good idea to really trust your instincts, especially if they have been correct in the past. You do not say how long it has been since the transgression or what he is really doing to regain your trust.

I had a friend whose husband went so far as to take lie detector tests so she could trust him again. Unfortunately, he is a sex addict and has since relapsed.

October 25, 2006
11:32 pm
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findingmyselfagain
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I appreciate the insightful information. I have received food for thought.

Rebuilding trust is quite a task and deciding to do so is where I am stuck. It is true you either trust or you don't there is no middle ground. I also feel that instincts are all that I have to guide me, and once I can work on myself and get past the low self esteem (you are right I do not feel valued and I have lost much confidence) I can navigate with my instincts again.

I have made the step to speak with a counselor on my own because I have control only over me and I need to put all the pieces of me back together again.

I am glad to have found this site to vent about the pain and receive objective views from others. The biggest part of rebuilding trust again is the fear that it will be all for nothing; I have heard that once a cheat always a cheat, but I have also heard that sometimes they realize their mistake.

Wish me luck with counseling!

October 25, 2006
11:47 pm
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cyndra820
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Finding,

Welcome. Trust is indeed something you do or don't have. It is rebuilt with consistent action over time, just as Jas said.

I wish you luck in counseling. Find a counselor you trust. You are on the journey of healing and rebuilding. Your comment about you can only have control over you tells me you are in the place you need to be to begin.

Welcome, again.

Cyndra

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