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Going downhill fast. Please help.
May 25, 2004
1:34 pm
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Sam7
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September 24, 2010
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Hi Guys,

I'm in a really bad place right now and it's getting worse. I guess I just need to clear my head and get this out and hope someone out there can give me good advice.

Long story short...here goes. Dated a guy a few years back. Have had a bizarre relationship ever since that has continually gone through this awful cycle. In my opinion, the fundamental problem is that he is incapable of genuinely LISTENING, rather just hearing, and he doesn't have any faith in people. As a result, he doesn't believe me when I explain something to him, and makes up his own awful version of events/thoughts/feelings etc, and nothing else is acceptable.

I've realized that this is not my problem and I can't fix it. I've been told by my counsellor and various other people that his behaviours are abusive, manipulative and controlling. I agree. I don't think that he is a bad person, I just think he has some really dysfunctional views of the world (I think he was sexually abused as a kid), and he hasn't yet realized it or chosen to do anything about it.

I've also contributed to the nasty cycle. I have co-dependency issues and I really feel starved for approval and affection. This guy is my teacher, so there's a real power imbalance there, and an even greater urge for me to obtain approval etc. So whenever this was withdrawn from me, I would do things to get it back, without really thinking about it.

I understand now what was happening and I'm taking steps to rectify the situation. Namely, I have broken off all contact with him on a personal level. I am being told by a lot of people that I should stop giong to class, but there aren't that many people who can teach me in my area, and the other people who can aren't very good. This is an integral part of my life, and I don't want to give it up (martial art), especially as a lot of the things we do (activities in class--not anything with the teacher) are very beneficial to me on emotional levels. So barring any unforeseen coincidences, I should see him only twice a week in a very formal, structured environment that doesn't allow for personal discussions. I am seriously thinking about the wisdom of this, but I'm not willing to quit right now, and I can't stand to hear another lecture on the matter. There are two teachers, and the other one has taken the summer off...and yes, I would still go if he were teaching instead. I love the training for the training.

That aside, I have been really pissed off at this guy for the last month (I haven't really talked to him since mid-April, apart from one conversation to clear the air). I stuck to my work and didn't talk to him for a month, so I'm pretty happy about that. I was really tired of being so angry, so I wrote down all t he good things he did for me on one side of paper and all the bad things on the other. THe good outnumbered the bad, and I came to the realization as I was doing it that he's not a bad person, jsut a really screwed up one.

So I'm not mad at him anymore. Haven't quite gotten to the point of forgiving him, but I've stopped being mad. I know it's not a good idea for me to be around him on a personal level right now because I would get sucked right back into that cycle. I wouldn't be able to set up strong boundaries and deal with them and I don't know if he'll ever change his behaviours so that I can be around him.

But I'm really missing him. I miss the fun times we used to have together and the closeness and the support. I miss the good friend I had when we weren't driving each other insane. To top it off, I am unemployed, depressed, haven't been feeling well, I'm really worried about money and my bf (who knows all about this) is going to Europe for 6 weeks. He's one on my main supports, and not only am I going to miss him like crazy, I don't know how well I'm going to hold together without his support. I do have other supports in place...friends, family, counsellors...I'm just feeling so stressed and lonely and confused and depressed and rejected that one more thing might just push me over the edge. I had to stop seeing my counsellor cause I am out of money, but I'm on a wait list to see one through family services. I know I need to be seeing someone.

I just feel awful. I'm having trouble getting myself out of bed and getting motivated. I'm overwhelmed and hurting to the point where I'm getting seriously depressed. I'm not sure what I'm looking for here, but some support from people who understand what I'm going through would really help. WHile the people I have out here are great, a lot of them don't really get it. Thanks everyone.

May 25, 2004
1:51 pm
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CAMER
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September 30, 2010
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you did recognize that you are coda and came to the right website, so that is a step for you!!! good for you, try not to let life get you down, you have to fill your mind with good thoughts, and know that you do have caring friends and a loving family in your life. As for the controlling boyfriend, as you know you cannot change him, he is what he is, but you do not have to put up with his behavior if you don't want to. Be easy on yourself, think good thoughts, and do good things for you.
Sending hugs your way, you are not alone in being coda.

May 25, 2004
2:10 pm
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fairy99
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September 27, 2010
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You took a giant step in realizing just what the problem is. Now it's up to you. It's hard and yes you are gonna miss things, but the one thing you have to ask yourself is "How healthy was the relationship? From the sounds of it, it wasn't. No one deserves abuse no matter what kind it is. We all deserve to be happy and to find our place in the world. You should keep your outlet unless it bothers you to see him. By going you show him you are the better person and that you can rise above disaster. You deserve happiness, keep telling yourself that and you'll realize that the only person you truely need is YOU. My prayers are with you.

May 25, 2004
4:02 pm
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Sam7
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September 24, 2010
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I know that the relationship is unhealthy and that I need to stay out of it, and I just realized that I am still angry with him for some stuff. I know I'm doing the rigth thing, it's just really hard to do it at times. Thanks so much for your support CAMER and fairy99. It really helps.

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