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going back to prison.is there a therapist here?
August 27, 2006
9:42 am
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lightchaser
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Butterfly: thank you for your post on my thread about lying. I took your advise and took a look at your situation. Yeah, this is not pretty is it?

I feel that children understand more than given credit for. When I left my alcoholic abusive husband, I was truthful ( but kind) with my explainations to my three year old and I believe through time and processing it through, she understands. I told her that daddy drank too much beer. I told her that mommoy and daddy loved her, but they did not love each other. So on and so forth.

I think if you tell your kids that grandpa, "went away" it is too vague. If that is true, then anyone including you or their father can go away at any moment, with no explaination. With the support of you and your husband these kids will grow up with lessons having been learned, and they will be all the stronger for it. If you provide that love and support in your home ( which it sounds like you do) they have their dafe place and they will be fine.

Your husband is learning his life lessons too and it is very sad not to be able to have a relationship with his parent. It seems that he will have to accept that this is how his father is and salvage the little bit of a relationship that is left and take what is offered, or you and your family may choose not to be involved in this situation all together.

As I grew up, my mothers family was very dysfuntional. My grandfather was an alcoholic, mentally ill and a sexual predator. i lived with him and my grandmother and bore the consequences of my mothers bad choice making. The rest of the family was in denial even as their children were ALL being molested by this man right under their noses. Ever single daughter and every single son. I know, I saw it happen. My mother took my brother and I and we moved to another state. I always missed my relatives but it was the only chance we had to live a "normal" life.

The reason I tell you that is because that may be something you must consider. Taking your children and seperating from the dysfunction and the drama. How does your husband feel about that?

You mentioned on my thread that I should read this to feel better about my problems. I wasn't sure if that was said because my problem seemed so silly and small ( it does) compared to this. However, this silly problem stems from the dysfunction I have lived in all my life. Parents divorce, abandonment, sexual abuse, drug use, married to an alcoholic and being abused for 14 years. So, yep, the problem now is small, but its these small everyday things that get you on your road to recovery. I never have learned to really problem solve in a normal way or to handle relationships ina healthy manner. So, that is the reason for the thread that seems like nothing, but really stems from everything.

I wish you the best, butterfly and pray for your family.

Light

August 27, 2006
10:34 am
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chatty
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Hi- I was reading this site months ago and then stopped and started reading again yesterday. I can see how helpful this is. I think you said I gave good advice and it all is from alanon and codependency meetings that I have been going to. Alanon is in almost every area usually. It has a web site too for locating meetings. One of the things or I guess it is called a statistic, is that for every drug addicted or alcoholic, there are 4 others in their lives that are affected. You mentioned alot in your posts and it is alot. Oh also, I have found some of the books that are helpful in the library too. I can't say enough of how the different meetings have helped me. Please post back if there are or aren't some in your area. Also the books are real good too, and this site.

August 27, 2006
10:59 am
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hopeful for change
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butterfly, well you are not alone in the family department, sometimes it seems that we are the only ones who have suffered such great unfortunate things, but there are many of us who suffer with the family department. I had a horrible family life my entire life. But the thing is that you can change it around to where your children don't. Thats what I did. I had to stop having contact with my family. I had to learn to forgive them...not forget the mistakes they made, but just not allow them to hurt me or my children anymore. I have always been very jealous of my friends whose kids have these wonderful grandparents, and feel bad that mine don't. But, I don't have any power over that. I tell my kids the truth. And make myself a better mother. And when the day comes that I am a grandma, I will be the best grandma in the world. That's all the control I have. Trying to control or beg people to do the right thing, will not change that at all.

You might not be out of the house working, but you have the biggest job in the world, raising those babys. Its hard when there is so much underlying problems, but you will make it through it, just pray about it, keep your head up and keep going one day at a time. Before you know it these baby's will be grown, and what your going through now will be a memory. Call it a test or whatever, but you will make it through it.

Kids at these ages atleast don't care about having designer clothes etc. so you have that in your advantage. And there are alot of places that can give you assistance for food etc to help ends meet. I would thing of it as a hand up not a hand out. Take the help you can get...to get out of the situation your in. Then later in life return the favor to someone else. Thats what this world should be like.

Your job is the best in the world, with theses baby's enjoy it. If the grandparents are to screwed up to be a part of that, screw them they don't desreve it.

hopeful

August 27, 2006
2:42 pm
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pcbutterfly2200
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light,chatty,and hopeful thank you very much,as i said earlier even thought we all have our problems here and none of us can wave a magic wand to solve them,the replies are great because it makes me feel like someone listens and cares.sometimes that all a person needs.i have heard of alanon.i heard wonderful things about it.my situation right now is my father in law commited 4 armed robberies in my husbands truck and they have it at the impound lot.the next day my fuel pump went out on my explorer.we have been without a vehicle for 3 weeks stranded at my grandmas.its awful here and we all hate it.my dad,his girlfriend,and my uncle live here already then the 6 of us.and my uncle is a junkie so you can imagine.plus the house looks like sanford and sons junkyard inside because he has been junking in alleys and dumpsters for 40 yrs.my grandmother also lives here and she should carry a sign that says im a doormat.she lets everyone live off her and use her.i cant stand to watch it any longer.and she gets mad at me for pointing it out.my dad is in jail for getting pulled over{someone in the car had crack hid under their balls}but she swears he is an innocent bistander.just a poor guy giving someone a ride.my uncle is also in jail.he went on a 4 day drunk while smoking crack and came in at 4 a.m raising hell and we got into it b/c my babies are here.they were scared to death.they keep calling running her phone bill and giving out her number to other people in jail so they can call get 3 ways.anyway,with all the stress,i missed a court date for driving on suspended b/c i couldnt afford to pay my tickets so i have a warrant for contempt of court and my husband found out he is in the paper in another county for missing a court date 2 yrs ago.im sorry but how much can one person handle?we both have to do 10 days.my license is only 140.00 to get back but we have so much more to do thats more important.for example 3 of our girls just started school and we have put 1000.00 into our explorer.i dont mean to go on and on but it feels good to vent.you name it and it is happening to us right now.he is going to end up losing his job which is a govt job and the only good thing we have going for us right now.we have no one {we trust}to take care of our kids for us to turn our self in and they cant go to family out of county b/c they are in school.so its really a rock and a hard place.i really need counseling but for the obvious, i cant go right now if i wanted to.thanks for listening.--butterfly

August 27, 2006
3:27 pm
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mamacinnamon
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PCB:

I have to disagree w/ you honey. Yes, it seems like a rock and a hard place, but you still have options. Get those babies out of that house. You speak of the damage and yet you are staying right in the midst of the storm. No wonder things are not working. I'm truly not trying to be mean, I just want you to open your eyes and see. Let me ask you this ok... What state do you live in? I don't need a town, a county might help, but give me the state and I'll bring your options to you.

Written only w/ a caring heart and a concern in my mind. 🙂

August 27, 2006
5:47 pm
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chatty
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Is it possible to tell the courts in your system about how this all happened because you do need some help and maybe they would understand. It wasn't your husbands fault that your father in law took his truck and now it is impounded. I just thought it was a shot to talk to someone about all this, how you really don't have many funds, you have 4 children to take care of and your car is in for repairs. Maybe you already tried to talk to them about how its not really your husband who comitted this crime. Just a thought to get you free from where you are.

August 28, 2006
2:00 am
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bonita1
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PCB,

Mamacinnamon is right. There are always options but the first thing to do is to go back home... maybe your hubby can ride a bike to the nearest bus stop or maybe he can just stay with somebody that is near his job until he can afford to pay his legal obligations and preserve his job.

OK, hon? My heart goes out to you.

~~bonita

PS Also, regarding your dad in law, it is true that most long term inmates cannot make it out in society. The terms of parole are so difficult for them to meet, many just give up, commit another crime to get back in, or commit suicide. A supportive family does go a long way towards the success of the ex-inmate on the outs. But, this only works if the inmate has found a Higher Power and is willing to do what it takes to get a handle on his addictions and turn his back on the life he led before.

All of this is very difficult to cope with and I sometimes think that they need to be back within the prison walls because that is where they truly belong. So sorry, hon.

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