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going back to prison.is there a therapist here?
August 26, 2006
2:02 pm
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pcbutterfly2200
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my father in law got out of prison in january of this year and commited 4 armed robberies august 12th.he did it because he wanted to get back in prison. he said he felt like he couldnt make it here.he couldnt get his meds he was taking.{prozac}.and the most hurtful thing is my husband was just getting a relationship with his father for the first time in his life.our 4 kids got to know him as grandpa and now he is gone.how do you explain to your children,well you had a granpa for 8 months but you dont now.and its the talk of the family,everyone wants to put his dad down.but as strange as it may sound,he is truly a good person.and its sad that he is in jail.i love my husbands father as much as he does.i have one screwed up family and i dont want my kids to grow up in all this.i just wish i could change it somehow.or take the kids far away and pretend this family doesnt exist.if someone is reading this and has any advice i sure would like to hear it.im pretty sure that i have the most screwed up family in the world.his dad did the robberies in my husbands truck so its at the police impound lot,my fuel pump is out on my explorer and were stranded at my grandmothers.which is hell because my uncles and my dad live here too and there friends and they are all junkies.which she is in total denial of.she is a real basket case.my uncle just went to jail and she thinks he is an absolute angel.the whole world is just picking on him.im trying to explain to her as long as she enables him he will never change.first of all she doesnt see theres a problem,secondly when she does its my family thats the problem.i feel like im fighting a losing battle.what do i do/

August 26, 2006
2:12 pm
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free
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Don't fight losing battles.

Tell the kids grandpa went to prison because he robbed places and prison is a consequence for that. he made a bad choice.

free

August 26, 2006
4:40 pm
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pcbutterfly2200
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the kids are 8,6,5,2.hardly old enough to understand any of that.also,i dont feel its as simple as that.he did make a bad choice and its very complicated to understand especially to people that do not understand the system nor do they have a loved one whom they have lost to the system.my f.i.l developed an addiction problem early in life which is the reason for most of the bad choices he made.he has spent the last 20 years of his life in and out of prison.mostly self destructing.but not ever hurting another person.if you talked to the people he robbed,he didnt even raise his voice and told them he wouldnt hurt them.he just wanted the money.and he kept going until the police caught him and took him to jail.he didnt even try to spend the money,it was simply to get back in which looking at it from the outside infuriates me.tax payers should not have to pay out of their pocket to put someone up for 10 plus yrs simply because someone wants to be there.does this tell anyone what a job is being done to rehabilitate the ones who can be helped?he was 20 the first time so everytime he gets out,its like a long panic attack until he gets back in.if the system plans on letting someone out,they should prepare them to live on the outside.and not expect them to try to make it with no health insurance housing,food,etc...

August 26, 2006
4:57 pm
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mamacinnamon
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PCB:

When I worked in the law office we actually had several commit crimes to go back in. Hey, they get 3 squares, free cable, free education, free everything. They do have to watch out for that one thing tho and of bein killed by someone else, but if they are used to the system they know how to handle themselves.

We had a guy enlighten us one day at the office. He told us in there you don't have to deal w/the wife, kids, family, work (other than a few hours if that), bills, responsibilities.. not anything. And if you are in minimum security then the fear of bein killed or raped is minimal too. According to this guy.

And, yes, at the taxpayer's expense. The taxpayer not only pays their expenses, but also those of their family on the outside.

It's no wonder those on the outside can never get ahead. (Not dissing your f/i/l. just the whole system).

I do have to agree w/ Free tho. Tell the kids the truth now. Grandpa is in jail because he robbed some places and that was a bad decision on his part, but we still love him. They are old enough to understand that, and they won't feel lied to or mislead later when they find out the truth and it will eventually come out. Specially if he is the talk of the family.

We just moved in and a child I taught in Bible School, and yes I was not gonna teach this year but I did. He came over when we moved in and said " Do you remember me, I'm Kg." I said I did and where did he live. He said " across the street w/ my grampa and gramma. my mom is in jail. She wrote bad checks." Kg is 6 or 7 years old. He was not ashamed or upset. It was just a fact of life. Please do be honest w/ your kids. They are old enough to understand; and what they don't understand you can explain it to them.

šŸ™‚

August 26, 2006
4:58 pm
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butterfly,

I actually have a friend who disowned her family. Is that what you are considering?

She tried her best to help. The times she tried to help her older parents, her siblings have her a lot of flack and criticism. Her dad resented her help. She just said enough, I am not out of here.

We had dinner a while ago. She has lost a lot of weight and has kept it off, and I have never seen her so calm and in control of herself.

I agree this is a bit much for your kids to understand. Maybe he just needs to be "away" for awhile, but still caring about them?

I do tend to agree that it is difficult for someone who has been in prison to make it on the outside and that it would be great it there were more preparation. Some people just prefer the relative safety, predictability and security of the prison system and would prefer that. That is his choice, and he's probably not the first person to do this at all.

August 26, 2006
5:00 pm
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butterfly,

sorry, about my friend, I didn't write that correctly. She just had enough and decided to disown her family, enough, I am out of here. That's what was meant to say. I really need to review these better before they get sent.

August 26, 2006
5:07 pm
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StronginHim77
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pc -

As a former prison chaplain, I can understand how painful your father-in-law's decision was for you and your children. Unfortunately, it was HIS choice. Many ex-inmates are unable to face living on the "outside" and break the law to return to a system where all their needs are met, their lives are structured and regulated and they do not have to deal with the stresses of taking care of themselves and making independent decisions.

As painful as it is for you, he has already chosen to return, rather than be with you and your family. And there is nothing that can be done about it and no one to blame. Prison systems are not perfect. I would be the first to affirm that. They are, however, places of punishment for crimes committed and also places to confine those who would violate the rights of others in our Society. In short, they are a necessary evil. And they become "mini-societies" within Society...rather like a world unto themselves.

Those inmates who serve long sentences, stretching into advanced adulthood (middle years or higher) are frequently unable to make the transition to independent functioning. There is no way to prepare them to make decisions and choices for themselves. Sure, prisons can teach them job skills. Chaplains can help heal their hearts and impart values to live by. Social workers and teachers can give them coping skills, knowledge, etc. But no one can give them the courage to change or the courage to fend for themselves, independent of the prison system where every choice, every decision was made for them for years and years.

It is rather like asking a 2-year-old child to hold a job, pay the bills on time, do their own grocery shopping, decide when they will get up and what they will wear, etc. In prison, ALL these simple, day-to-day decisions and choices are made FOR you. And that is what no amount of rehabilitation can train inmates to do. This is what your father-in-law could not face and overcome on the "outside." He chose to return to the system. I am sorry he has done this because these partings are so painful for the families who love them and are separated from them by the prison walls. But now you must find a way to let him go...in your heart.

I will keep you in my prayers.

- Strong

August 26, 2006
6:48 pm
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mamacinnamon
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Strong:

You explained that so very well. Even gave me tears to think they have the smallest and easiest tasks they cannot handle. Wow, humbling post.

August 26, 2006
7:46 pm
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pcbutterfly2200
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you are all right but i am still having a hard time dealing with this.i hate that this whole situation had to happen,i keep thinking that i could have done something to prevent it.looking back i seen that he was getting more depressed and all i did was continue with my routine.could i have prevented it?

August 26, 2006
8:06 pm
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mamacinnamon
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PCB:

In my honest opinion NO you could not have prevented this. It was his decision to go back in. His decision, his life, his perogative. You could have given him the world on a silver platter and he probably would have still decided to go back into prison. Read Strong's post again. She explains it so very well.

August 26, 2006
10:04 pm
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StronginHim77
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pc...

There was nothing you could have done to prevent it. Be thankful for the happy moments he was able to have with you and his grandchildren, before returning to the System. Those memories will sustain him. I will continue to pray that God strengthens you to bear this terrible parting.

- Strong

August 26, 2006
11:37 pm
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pcbutterfly2200
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grace
yes,i am considering disowning my entire family!my children,my husband and myself would be better off without them.they are truly better off forgotten.on one hand,there is my mothers side of the family.she causes us problems every time she finds out where we live.like calling dhs{children services}every other day,calling the police saying we are doing things to her then calling our rent person saying we are drug addicts.yes she is mentally ill,she is bi-polar,whatever that is.the icing is she got with my husbands father just so she could piss me off.with disreguard to how my husband and her grandchildren might feel about this.the rest of her side doesnt have anything to do with us anyway because they feel we should pay more attention to brenda{my mother}which the reason she does those things is to get attention.she has to be the center of everyones world at all times.if your not paying attention to her she will make sure you do one way or another she is that type,cannot live without drama.i dont feel like its my responsibility to play into it.my fathers side is all drug addicts and their not reliable to pour piss out of a boot.my husband has a goverment job and im a full time mom and part time student with 4 children and i get the vibe they think we are stuck up.were not were just not going to be nickel and dimed to death and play days of other peoples lives.i feel like with our own problems and our own family we have enoogh of our own problems without interference.call me self-centered.but we are trying to get back on feet from my mother causing us to lose 3 houses and 2 jobs and giving me a criminal record.i wish we could move out of state,whose family is this screwed up?my kids have no one but me and their dad.no grandma and no grandpa.it seems like we are the only ones struggling in this family to do the right thing.and we are hated for it as strange as that may sound!!!when i say do the right thing i meanpay our own bills and support ourself even if it means struggling.they live in goverment housing get a goverment check and refuse to work.says she is disabled because of the bi-polar thing but she can shop for hours.i suggested she get a job at the mall and everybody got all pissed off like i was making fun of her or something.i just think shes lazy and its all bull.any advice is welcome.im over my head here.thanks,butterfly

August 27, 2006
12:31 am
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gracenotes
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butterfly,

This is a beyond awful extended family situation. No one here seems to be taking responsiblity for their lives except you and your husband, and whatever you have instilled into your kids.

No, you are not self-centered at all. It sounds like you want a good life for your children and want to do the right thing. Sounds like you and your husband (kids) are the only healthy people in this scenario.

If you ever think you are self-centered, then think about what is best for your children and how these self-centered people that are family are making your and your husband some kind of scapegoat. Why? Because your a trying to live a responsible life and do the right thing. What is best for your children? Isn't that really what is most important? Who are going to be there role models and influences? Can your husband get a transfer somewhere else in the government system? Can you go to school somewhere else? No one is really truly stuck. Once a decision is made, I think the universe tends to lend a little support in seemingly mysterious ways.

The fact that you want to make a change in spite of these addicted, lazy, irresponsible says a lot about your strengths.

August 27, 2006
12:43 am
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WOW THANK YOU GRACE.I NEEEDED TO HEAR THAT.IT HELPS ALOT.AS A MOTHER I FEEL THAT NO MATTER WHAT I HAVE TO KEEP GOING EVEN ON DAYS I DONT WANT TO GET OUT BED.AND WHEN I FEEL LIKE CRYING I HAVE TO SMILE FOR MY HUSBAND AND MY GIRLS.I KNOW THEY SENSE THE STRESS AND KNOW A LITTLE ABOUT WHAT IS GOING ON.IT CRUSHES ME AS AN ADULT I CAN ONLY IMAGINE WHAT IT WOULD DO TO OUR CHILDREN IF THEY KNEW ALL OF THIS.EVER FELT LIKE YOU REALLY CARRIED THE WORLD ON YOUR SHOULDERS????THATS WHAT I FEEL LIKE EVERY DAY.IF I LET MYSELF GET DOWN THEN MY HUSBAND WILL HAVE THE WORLD ON HIS SHOULDERS AND I WOULD BE CHERRY ON TOP SO TO SPEAK.SO MY QUESTION IS HOW LONG CAN ONE PERSON BE SO STRONG.THIS IS ALOT,,,BELIEVE ME I KNOW.WHAT DO I DO FROM HERE??I FEEL LIKE I AM BEGINING TO BECOME BITTER.I AM USUALLY A HAPPY PERSON BUT LATELY THERE IS NOTHING TO BE HAPPY ABOUT.I MUST SAY THIS SITE REALLY HELPS AND ITS GOOD THAT I CAN COME HERE AND RELEASE ALL THIS WHEN THERE IS NO ONE ELSE TO LISTEN.THANK YOU FOR REPLYING.

August 27, 2006
12:51 am
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mamacinnamon
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(((( PCB )))))

HOW LONG CAN ONE PERSON BE SO STRONG?

For as long as that person can hold up. BUT, in the meantime, your body is being physically taxed, your mind is being taxed, your hubby and specially your sweet children are bein taxed. A person who has constant stress will eventually become physicaly and mentally ill. The results are often irreversible. I know; I am one of those folks that lived w/ stress so long my body couldn't take any more.

You and hubby need to sit down and decide what you will do NOW. Together you need to decide what is best for your family. Whether you move or not... make those changes now.

August 27, 2006
1:06 am
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WE ARE TRYING TO MOVE BUT IT IS EASIER SAID THAN DONE WHEN YOU ARE YOUR OWN CRUTCH SO TO SPEAK.MOST PEOPLE DO NOT UNDERSTAND THAT WHEN YOU SUPPORT YOURSELF YOUR SPOUSE AND 4 CHILDREN ALL 8 AND UNDER THAT DEPOSITS FIRST MONTHS RENT AND TRANSFER FEES DONT FALL OUT OF THE SKY.WE LOWERED OUR STANDARDS AND PUT IN SOME APPLICATIONS.PEOPLE WANT HIGHT DEPOSITS BECAUSE WE DONT HAVE THE GREATEST CREDIT SO WHEN WE ASK THEM IF THEY ARE WILLING TO WORK WITH US THEY LOOK AT US LIKE THEY SMELL SOMETHING FOUL.WE ARE REALLY TRYING OUR BEST.I EAT SLEEP AND BREATHE TRYING TO GET US MOVED BUT IT IS LIKE ASKING FOR A KIDNEY AND THE ONLY PLACES THAT WILL TAKE US WITH NO QUESTIONS ASKED IS THE BAD NEIGHBORHOODS.I DONT WANT MY CHILDREN TO LIVE ANYPLACE YOU NEED BARS ON THE WINDOWS,IT JUST DOESNT SEEM FAIR.OR AM I DREAMING?BESIDES,I FEEL MY HUSBAND WORKS TOO HARD TO LIVE IN A CRAPPY PLACE.HE MAY NOT MAKE MUCH BUT HE DOES WORK VERY HARD AND WERE NOT ON MEDICAID SO THE CIGNA INSURANCE IS A GOOD CHUNK OF HIS CHECK.WE PAY TAXES.ALOT OF THEM.SO SHOULDNT THAT GET US SOMEWHERE?IM REALLY BEGGINING TO WONDER HOW PEOPLE MAKE IT THESE DAYS?WITH US ITS DO WE WANT TO GO TO THE D.R THIS WEEK OR BUY GROCERIES?I WISH I COULD WORK BUT I CANT AFFORD DAM DAYCARE.SEEN HOW MUCH THAT COST LATELY?IM SOOOO FED UP WITH EVERYTHING!!!LIFE REALLY SUCKS.THANKS..BUTTEFLY

August 27, 2006
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PCB:

Yes, there are times when life really sucks. Was just talkin to my sister and she informed me our aunt who died in 1990 from breast cancer was given the wrong treatment. It wasn't strong enough for her and she died. Her daughter, our cousin, just lost her dad and there is a lot of evidence he was not properly taken care of by the hospital. She has withstood alot. Not minimizing your pain, but just another person brought to light that has suffered and endured as you have. Not the same circumstances, but the same pain per se.

I admire the strength your hubby shows t working so hard to support his family. My hubby works 7 nights a week so our ends meet since I cannot work. Good men are truly hard to find.

I am sorry I don't have any magic answers for you. Just know you are not alone in your sufferings or in your need for others to empathize. This is a great site and has some of the greatest folks I've ever met. We cannot fix things, but we can listen and encourage. Glad you are here.

Oh, have you thought of babysitting?

August 27, 2006
1:31 am
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pcbutterfly2200
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MAMACINNAMON TAHNK YOU FOR THE WONDERFUL ADVICE.YOU ARE RIGHT.OTHER PEOLE ARE SUFFERING DIFFERENT CIRCUMSTANCES SAME PAIN.I READ OTHER THREADS THAT TO ME SEEMED EASY TO FIX KINDA PROBLEMS BUT TO THE PERSON IT IS HAPPENING TO THEY FEEL THERE IS NO LIGHT AT THE END OF THE TUNNEL.THAT IS THE GREAT THING ABOUT THIS SITE.FRESH EARS HAVE GREAT ANSWERS BUT BABY SITTING??THERES NOT ENOUGH XANAX IN TGHE WORLD.THANKS THOUGH.BUTTERFLY

August 27, 2006
1:32 am
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pcbutterfly2200
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MAMAC SORRY ABOUT THE TYPOS

August 27, 2006
1:48 am
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mamacinnamon
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Don't worry about the typos. I have to watch carefully or my a's are q's or z's coz my fingers are crippling. So you don't mind my mistakes and I won't mind yours. šŸ™‚

Xanax... now that is some nasty stuff. I was on it once for 3 months. My family and folks I knew said I didn't smile not once the whole time i was on it. I was a walking zombie.

I did daycare back in my 20s. i had 12 kids a day and loved it alot. Now I am like you and I think I'd be locked in the bathroom babbling to the toilet roll if I did that again. I think the impatience comes w/ age.

Check out your options. There are lots of things you can do from home to help incomewise.

August 27, 2006
1:51 am
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pcbutterfly2200
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MAMA C.. YOU ARE A REAL TRIP.I HAVENT LAUGHED THAT HARD IN A LONG TIME.BY THE WAY I JUST CAME OUT OF THE BATHROOM.LOL

August 27, 2006
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PCB:

Check out this site. I'm not sure if you will find anything, but it's worth a shot.

http://www.wahm.com/

August 27, 2006
2:07 am
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thank you for telling me about that sight,.it is going to come in very handy to me.

August 27, 2006
2:20 am
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you are most welcome. Time for me to get some sleep. Sweet dreams for tonight and be sure to hold your head high. You should be really proud of you and your hubby and your kids. I am.

August 27, 2006
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thank you good night

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