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going around again
March 1, 2004
4:49 pm
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marley
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Artist -

my only concern with that is that I want the key to be at his place before he gets home since our friend Matt and I have the only keys to his house. I want him to know that it will be there, so he won't have any excuse to call me when he gets in and I won't be tempted to call him.

By the way, even though he is being rude, arrogant and incredibly self-centered he is not going to understand why I am not at the airport and he will be upset and angry. Not much, but he will be and he won't want to talk to me for days.

March 1, 2004
4:56 pm
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sixfootblonde
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One thing strikes me - he is so off key sounds like with you, and laid back and whatever happens happens. Like he was going to meet this girl, she's not available so now he's touching base super casual with you, enuff to make you in a tither but he can't give you a gate, flight etc. And you are dying trying to think of the right wording for an email?

Why do we do this to ourselves? Why as women, can't we put our foot down, pivot on it, and WALK AWAY? For that would be the best thing for us, truly. A gift, if you will, to ourselves.......

March 1, 2004
4:59 pm
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artist 2
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Why don't you tell him then:

I can't pick you up from the airport. I've talked to Matt and he will be there.

Or, you can just explain why in the email. Practice here: why are you upset with him? 1, 2, 3. list it. tell him.

Besides so what if he gets angry? What is making you so afraid of his reaction? Do you not have a choice of getting him out of your life? Is there another connection you can't avoid him?

March 1, 2004
5:08 pm
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artist 2
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I agree... We need to do ourselves a favor and STOP giving so much time and attention to these men who treat us so casually.

March 1, 2004
5:24 pm
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marley
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SFB - you are too funny

Artist -

I can get up and walk away, I have just been very afraid to, but now he has been gone for a month and you know what the world didn't end, so I am beginning to think it is just that easy, so no email, no note, no nothing.

If I have time I will drop off his key otherwise he can call someone to pick him up from the airport.

I am done obsessing about him, I guess obsessing about him became part of my self-identity and you know what it does me absolutely no good.

There done, gone! Not going to play games anymore, I will treat him like I would treat any friend.

So what's up with the two of you?

March 2, 2004
11:25 am
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marley
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So I need to vent about something completely unrelated and I didn't want to start a new thread but this is about a friend of mine who is making me insane! She is one of those friends that you bend over backwards for all the time and then she says that she is the only decent person in the world and she can't understand why everyone treats her like crap.

Case in Point -

She hurt her knee again last week when she was wasted (she has a drinking problem).

Side note - same night she hurt her knee I asked her to take me to the airport (don't want to ask the ex) so I can go home for my little bro's 21st b-day party and she informed me that she will be too wasted since String Cheese Incident will be in town that weekend.

OK, so she calls me on friday while I am at work and says she needs to go to the ER for her knee b/c she is in so much pain blah blah blah. So I leave work 4 hours early to take her. I wait with her for 2 hours and the people at the desk tell me she is super low on the priority list b/c all she has is a bruised knee, so I tell her I am gonna go and if she can't find a ride to call me. So I go home and take care of some stuff and wait for 2 hours, she still hasn't called. So I fulfill my earlier plans with another friend (who she despises for totally fabricated reasons) and when I am done (at about 10:30pm) she has called me six times - like I am her damn taxi.

Oh and the best part is . . . when she called for a ride to the ER I said it would be a bit b/c I had to finish what I was doing, she told me "oh that's ok I have gotta run out and get something to eat"! Like she can drive to get food but not take herself to the ER!

So I left her a message on Sat saying I am hoping she feels better, and I have not heard back from her. Is this one of those times you just move on and forget that you were ever friends?

March 2, 2004
11:52 am
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nancee
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Marley,
I have realized that sometimes I have to let friendships go just for my own sanity. I have a story about that I'll share with you in a bit....right now I am losing it because I emailed 'him' and told him I miss him. Why did I do that? He hasn't responded by the way. I feel like such a dumbass for doing that. Now I've just opened the wound again. I was doing so good. Why couldn't I just stop at 'hi, how are you?' Why did I have to say I miss you?

Nan

March 2, 2004
12:04 pm
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marley
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Nancee -

do not berate yourself for being honest with your feelings for him. But understand that it is OK for you to miss him and even to tell him that you miss him as long as you have no EXPECTATION of him reciprocating. Often I think we tell people we miss them not so much because we do, but because we WANT to be missed by them. Either way this is ok, and you emailed, it is over you can't get the email back. It would be better for you to chalk it up to a mini-relapse and start over. We are all trying to heal here. It is never easy. Like in AA, one minute at a time, sometimes a day is too long, you know?

March 2, 2004
12:09 pm
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nancee
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Thanks. I know I might as well not dwell on it because I can't take it back now. And if he doesn't respond, that will tell me volumes about how he really feels. I've been trying to be honest with myself about why I miss him...I miss the sex, of course, but it wasn't always the best...I miss when he always used to come see me at lunch and bring me a sonic diet coke. I miss him sending me funny emails. I will always care about him as a friend no matter what happens because we were friends for years before we got together. But the other stuff I miss about him is nothing I can't find in someone else. I wish I could get my feelings straightened out so that I would have more control instead of having weak days like today.

March 2, 2004
12:47 pm
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marley
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this is the hardest part . . . the feeling thing. trying to discover how you actually feel about the other person and realizing your life is perfect without them. All that is wrong is this silly want you have for them to be there, but that is just silly. All the people you have in your life are in it for a reason. Like that other thread said, are you a reason a season or a lifetime?

I used to think my ex was a reason (to get away from a different ex), then I thought he was a season (like a time when I could be carefree before adjusting to the harsh realities of a full time job, etc) and then I thought he was a lifetime (b/c he knows me so well it sometimes really shocks me) and now I think, it really doesn't matter why he came into my life, he is here now for as long as he chooses to be and as long as I continue to want him to be here. Sometimes he isn't perfect and then I just need to back off and realize this is life, not a danielle steel romance novel and he is not a knight in shining armor he is just a man and is any man really worth the shit I put myself through to be with him? Probably not, that is energy I could be spending studying for my Estate and Gift exam (which is a week from thursday and I am seriously starting to stress about).

I am excited to see him but I wish he would stay away another 10 days! He is too distracting.

March 2, 2004
2:41 pm
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marley
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Hey nancee,

what is the CPC exam?

March 2, 2004
2:47 pm
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nancee
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I work at a large hospital/medical school campus. I have studied to be a certified medical coder and take the national certification test a week from Saturday. When I pass that, I will be eligible for a raise and will be more marketable to other medical providers. I haven't even begun to study.

He still hasn't responded to me email. I don't know if he just isn't at work today or if he is ignoring me. It's not like me to flat out ignore an email from me. He would answer me and then just be impersonal. I just wish I hadn't sent it because once again I have made the first move. I wish I could just leave things alone.

So you decided on the suit? I'm sure you'll look great to him no matter what you're wearing.

March 2, 2004
3:11 pm
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AngelC
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I see there are other people who think just like me. I am very thankful that I was led to this sight. I don't feel so isolated. Nancee, I am sure that regardless of the reponse or lack of response that what you are feeling is only temporary. It's a shame that our feelings are often based on hearing from them or not hearing from them. I have recently gone through some ups and downs with the guy I am dating. I got away. I went back, etc. But I found the time that I was away from him focusing on myself and my friendships, I was okay. More than okay. The anxiety was not there. along with the pain and frustration of dating a non-committing man who doesn't know what he wants. So I'm going to find out what I want. I hope things work out for you. Your feelings are only temporary.

March 2, 2004
3:35 pm
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marley
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Nancee

Don't let this man mess up your future or your career. I am having a hard time studying too - but I will do it, he isn't worth it!

Angel is right about our feelings being tied too much to their responses. I mean he hasn't responded, there could be a million reasons for that. Ones you never even thought of -

My friend (that I wrote about earlier in the thread) she is in love with her roommate, well one morning she calls me and is fretting he isn't home, where is he, did I piss him off, is he with another girl and so on and so forth.

He was in his room the entire time we were on the phone and likely heard her entire conversation with me. He wasn't particularly nice to her for a few days (probably would have been better if he had confronted her, but he is pretty non-confrontational and is basically trying to ignore the fact that she loves him) - so I guess my point is you will never know what he is doing.

Toltecs say we all live in our own dream and we can control what it looks like. Do not be too dependent on others for the landscape of your dream - it is another wonderful day to be alive. All around us people are dying - for no real good reason. Take your gifts, your life, your talents and use them.

March 2, 2004
3:36 pm
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nancee
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Thanks Angel. I have realized that I am much better when I don't have any contact with him. I went for a month and was just starting to feel better, do things with my friends, not obsess about him, and then I talked to him. I fell apart all over again. It wasn't anything that he said, it's just that he is so noncommittal and distant. My counselor says it is fear of intimacy. I can't fix him, especially when he thinks nothing is wrong. He has just left me twisting in the wind while he tries to find out what he wants his life to be like. I'm spending this time doing a lot of work on myself, inside and out, and one day I hope to be strong enough not to care what he says or does.

But I sent the email today. I'm not gonna let it ruin my day. I didn't say anything that should scare him away from him. I see more and more that he is the one with the problem and I am better off without him, as much as it hurts to admit that. I do feel better since I've been doing things for myself. It's nice talking to you. Thanks for listening.

March 3, 2004
12:18 pm
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marley
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Ok -

So I have now dressed in my nice suit and still haven't heard from him re: the airport, so as of right now, I still don't think I am going . . .

How are you guys?

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