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going around again
February 19, 2004
10:16 pm
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marley
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I think I will write the letter. Maybe I will post it on this site for some advice on what it says and whether or not to send it. I will post it under a new thread though.

I miss him so much right now, class just got cancelled and it is dumping snow. We always had so much fun in the snow - snowboarding and jumping around and cuddling in bed watching and such. AHHHHH I am hoping this will end soon. Less than two weeks until he comes home and I still know what he looks like and how he smells and what it feels like to be near him to touch him. Will I ever forget?

February 20, 2004
12:40 am
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Ladeska
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Sounds like you almost have a "father figure" in this guy - him being beside you through all this things in life. What was your relationship with your father like? If that one was dysfunctional in some way maybe you're trying to fix that one - with this one. We do that sometimes. Pick guys that remind us alot of how we idealized our own fathers, what we wished they were to us and weren't. Then we go about trying to "be" whatever it was that we weren't back then because obviously it was all our fault because Daddy didn't love us, (or so we tend to think as a child) so we have to be the one that pretty much sacrifices ourselves all the time for the man in our life. And a fairy tale version of what we wanted our father to be will always be very, very charming with all the flaws painted over. Affairs, abuse, lying, being controlling, etc. We just wash all that away and concentrate on those "cozy" things, the feel good times when all is well and we can block out everything else.

Yep, can be quite addictive and make one compulsive person out of us, drawn to them like stink on shit, just can't get enough and NOOOO, it's not really shit, it's actually brownie mix. Ah yes.....breath in a deep whiff and smell those roses.

Just like my brother used to go on countless calls as a policeman for domestic violence and 9.9 times out of 10 the woman would lash out at HIM because he's trying to get HER to press charges. But in the time it took him to drive there, after SHE called, after she's black and blue and almost dead, she's become a blithering idiot, hanging on her man and pissed off at the police because they want her to press charges and go somewhere safe which means - not around him. Go figure. But it happens 24/7. That's why alot of times our police force gets a little jaded when it comes to these things. They get tired of trying to do the right thing alot of times and attacked for it. It's like well YOU called, did you not? You're the one bleeding and I'm the bad guy...? Uh, okay lady.

But guaranteed......the now happy couple go right into the house, have a few beers, light some candles, have awesome sex, he tells her some more lies, she buys them and off they go for round 332. People don't get off the "ride" when they should because they've made a deal of some kind. They have compromised themselves and bought something. What "that" is varies. It could be good sex. It could be that he's very handsome and all the girls envy you. It could be that you just don't want to be alone. It could be that you like being conned, feels dangerous or like you're in a true life romance novel and/or true crime novel. People do like to flirt with danger and live on the edge, they just don't like it when they have to pay the piper when he comes calling. They don't read the fine print of the "contract". Sometimes what you have to PAY for what you get isn't exactly equitable. But, that's what makes the world go round for alot of con artists in the world. Without people to take advantage of - they'd be out of business...or at the very least they'd be looking for someone else to con and it wouldn't be "you". Not a bad deal, but it would force you to face yourself, which is something you will do sooner or later. Sooner preferably because that would mean you'd save yourself alot of precious years, health and wealth that would otherwise go down the drain.

We have to be very careful with our compromises in life. What we excuse in other people and join up with - eventually "becomes" what we are and the self-loathing that comes from that one after many years - isn't pretty.

February 20, 2004
4:56 pm
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marley
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You are right. I have noticed that when I have issues with other men I transmute them to this one. I am trying to fix every screwed up relationship I have ever had with someone who really isn't the man I want to be with. I broke down last night and emailed him! I did. It was short and I felt like if I just did that then all the crazy bad stuff would stop happening. That was basically all I said and that I really needed a friend.

Now I feel like such a jerk. I could have gotten through it on my own. He hasn't emailed me back and I think this is a good sign that maybe we are moving on to lives without each other. I hope so. But there is still a part of me hoping he emails me back and says hey babe don't be scared I will be home soon - or someone romance novel type of stuff.

I broke detox and now I have to start all over again - after 5 days!!! I am so irritated with myself. But I think that it may have been a good thing since I did not deny the NEED I felt to email him and it wasn't gushy or lovey dovey or anything.

If I am mad at my father - how do I fix that for real?

February 20, 2004
5:52 pm
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Ladeska
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Well hey, we'll take any progress you make here, huh? Don't knock the small steps, they count, too!

How do you fix it for real if you are mad at your father? That was pretty cute, had to smile at that one. IF you are...? Well, that's a tough one.......long road. But if you're going to walk any long road, might as well be on one that's productive, huh? This one pretty much sucks, going round and round up and down the mountain.

I'd say for starters - get it out of yourself. Talk about your anger, what it's made of, who's who and what's what. We can only hold toxic stuff inside so long before it starts eating the plumbing out. Kinda guts you and your whole life if you don't clean house and banadage wounds properly AFTER they have been cleaned and medicine applied.

So, a good vomit would work. Just start spewing....

Then it's alot of other steps seeing how what you needed, and what you were given - affected you. How did the child that you were - see things? What did you tell yourself as a child about all that? Does that self talk have a voice these days? Do you hear it going off in your head quite a bit?

Somehow we wrap this concept around our hearts that says - whatever my parent or parents didn't do......was because of me somehow. I'm to blame. Children aren't mature enough to know so many things and when they shut the door on the poison that hurts so bad and is oozing out - they often lock up with all that - alot of lies and misconceptions about themselves. That little box may stay locked up but the voice is heard by the adult.......and carries forward as the master of the ship until it's "righted" and replaced with logic and wisdom and truth.

Sometimes we find ourselves in bad relationships time after time because emotionally.......we stopped growing at whatever age that we sustained the worst hurt growing up with a parent or whatever. So we can be 25 and yet act like 13 when it comes to a relationship. That child in us has to be allowed to come out of the closet and grow up and replace the unhealthy things believed with the truth.

It's not a quick fix but we sustain injuries in this life. We all do at some point. And it takes time to undo damage. We just have to really appreciate the magnitude of some damage......and not minimize it.

You're obviously having alot of difficulty and pain in relationships and there's a root cause for this. We learn so much from the relationship we have with our fathers. Sometimes we learn things very wrongly about ourselves and yet it gets locked into our very being as the honest truth when it isn't at all. But try and tell yourself that when you've believed it as truth for how many years? Isn't easy. I've often said the worst weaponry of all that you will ever face is the defense system you built to ward off pain. When you need to grow past that and really get into where the lies are buried - you realize you have to go up against your own really good weaponry and defense system. It's not pretty and it takes alot of guts and fortitude to do this.

February 20, 2004
8:39 pm
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marley
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you know what is funny is that THIS man - is just like my father. And my father keeps telling me to put him in the past where he belongs, that I deserve better. But I often wondered how he could say that when he treated me like crap. My dad is always about me me me. Don't get me wrong I am glad to have a dad. I love my dad. But sometimes I feel like his doormat.

We actually had a really big breakthough in our relationship back in September and now I find that it is somewhat (easier ?) to deal with my situation with this man. However, I just can't seem to let him go or turn my back on him, just like with my dad. So is it possible to get over him for real?

February 20, 2004
8:44 pm
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MEC
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Marley, you should get that book Repeat After Me too, it's great. It really helps you work through some of your issues from the past.

February 20, 2004
9:21 pm
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Yes it is but it's like by understanding "why" you do what you do - you start giving it a name, you know? Kinda like you can't fight a bacteria until you find out what kind of bacteria it is and why you got infected with it.

You've obviously been taught and conditioned in such a way by your father in order to get any simblance of love or approval that you're just following the same pattern with this man now in your life. If getting one little morsel of the good stuff means that you have to stand on your head, jump off the roof, stick your head in boiling water and then stand there and smile about it - well.....you just learn to do that and it seem "normal" to you.

It's all about adjusting the dial in time, too. Learning when you go Nooooooo.........that's NOT okay with me, not going there, stopping right here, doesn't feel good, don't like it. You've been in the position of allowing people to be your fruit inspector and the one who interviews YOU to see if you're right and approved of "by them". Time for that to turn right around. Time for you to be the fruit inspector, for them to pass YOUR inspection and get your approval and be interviewed by you.

It's a whole different mindset but a healthy one. Just sit and think about things with your father and how you've jumped through hoops, how maybe he's conditioned you and controlled you growing up, see if you can see anything there as similar with your relationship now.

And it doesn't surprise me one bit that your father told you that. People who are like this - never, ever see themselves so of course it's all the other guy and he would never think of treating you this way. They don't like having someone horn in on their game either. Kinda like competition. I'm the only ONE that can rule her, so butt out. Also, if you get onto this guy's game - you might see your father a little more clearly, too and he can't have that either.

I'm glad you've made a breakthrough but the past can still be studied and it stands for what it was. Facts are facts and in them is the key to your freedom.

February 20, 2004
9:41 pm
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Zinnie
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Hi Marley,

Sounds like you are in the same boat that I'm rowing.

I love my Dad - of my parents, he was the one that was there for me more often, and emotionally less cruel. But, once I got into the first serious relationship - who was I with? A more physically abusive person that my Father. That was the thing - my Dad does not hit women. Would I ever want to married to a man like my Father? Not in a million years. He is a hot head, and a womanizer. He remarries every 10 years, and they get progressively younger.

After I broke it off with this guy, and I'll tell you a friend of mine's Mom was the one who pointed it out to me - she saw the bruise marks on my arms - she told me "Zin, that is not love." She was right. After tha, I took a hard long look at what I wanted in a relationship. Yes, my Dad does have some really good characteristics - he is a hard worker, he always financially took care of his kids, so that is important to me - but I also knew what I would NOT accept. When I came up with my "No Buts" list.

Marley, you are taking those steps to independence, and that is a good thing. You will find someone to SHARE your life with, not control or manipulate it. When you find that, you will look back and think "WOW, why did I ever accept that type of behavior?" That day will come for you, really - it will.

Love,

Zinnie

February 21, 2004
9:47 pm
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marley
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Is he really controlling - manipulating me? I mean he seems more than willing to give me my space. He has not responded to my email which leads me to believe that it is finally OVER. But what if it isn't? God, I just don't know anymore.

My relationship with my father has definitely gotten better. He came over today to see my new place and hang up my diplomas and put together my desk. He is really happy I have gone to school instead of getting married and having kids. (I am not sure why).

I - personally - believe all my education is a hinderance to my personal relationships. It is intimidating and also leads me to sometimes project a superiority complex which I do not feel. But mostly people believe I am superior to them simply because I am so overeducated - not that I went to the best school or anything, just so much of it.

I don't know, and now I am worried about moving on. I thought I found someone who could accept me for who I was, and he just really wants to be friends. Where do I look now?

Marley

February 22, 2004
12:50 pm
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Zinnie
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In the mirror - once you love yourself - the rest will fall into place.

Z.

February 22, 2004
1:45 pm
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marley
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I am so angry right now! I do taxes for work and so I have did his accounting/taxes last year and I was doing them today (b/c I want them finished before he gets back) and the bastard bought her another plane ticket for $422 (in addition to the $2100 he western union'ed to her in Costa Rica). I am so flippin angry and I don't really know why and I just want to beat him and scream at him. Why did he love her so much more than me? Why did he give her all of this and nothing to me? He treated her like a queen and he treated me like dirt? This isn't what I want out of life or a relationship - so why I am so consumed with him wanting to be with me? Is this some sick game of revenge?

I am totally at a loss I don't know how to feel anymore.

February 22, 2004
2:12 pm
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Ladeska
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Okay.......got a question here. Did you ever know or suspect or think that your mother suspected - your father ever cheating on her?

Can you look back in their history and what you witnessed and can you see your mother being in "like" shoes of feeling or speaking out things that would paint her in a similar position as the one you keep throwing yourself into here?

The reason I ask is because - we learn from that template long ago - things that may or may not be good for who we should become in life. IF we witnessed our father, for example, doing anything that would mean he was cheating on her or even that she just suspected he was......then your mother's feelings and vibes get sucked up by you - her daughter. Why? Because she is your female role model whether you like it or not. You WILL soak up things from her and they will imprint upon your being.

So if this was true...let's just say what if here.....say your father did cheat on your mother, let's say it's true....then you would have sat there in that environment and picked up on all the things that your mother would be going through of...why am I NOT enough for him, etc., etc. All the same things you are saying here now about this man.

If your mother did not leave him or put her foot down or whatever - then that taught you as a female child - that this is a pattern you should follow yourself. You need to keep taking it, to strive to be the "one" for him and to take all manner of abuse. And alot of times it's more the "war and conquest" between the two women that's the big deal here...than it ever was about the man.

But you're taught by this imprinting that you don't need to check in with yourself and see if this is actually good and healthy for you. You're just driven by compulsion to make it right........to do what your mother was never able to do in order to keep her man or whatever. You needed a father that was more there for you, too and from a child's eyes - maybe it was "her fault" that he wasn't who he needed to be. Children put things in stone like that in their own heads. Isn't logical, but they do it.

They just don't have enough maturity and information to know what's really up with everything.

So if all this compulsion and hopelessness and need to keep giving and giving and understanding and going around in circles was something you saw on a daily basis...um yeah, it will be imprinted upon your person to do the very same thing and to finally "win" where you mother couldn't.

This is all a "what IF" scenario and it may not be your case at all. But just had to throw it out there. The shoe will fit - someone reading...

But there comes a point in time, like now, when you're oozing pain and keep sticking your head right in the fan - to where you have to step back and go.....whyyyy......do I feel so compelled to keep doing this when it's obvious - it's hurting me??

And if the above scenario is "you", then you can break that pattern. But as always, you have to identify the problem and the root of things - before you can administer antibiotics and start changing things. You must understand "why".

February 22, 2004
7:47 pm
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marley
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Odd, but true. My mother always thought my father was cheating on her. Then my father thought that she was cheating on him. So they got divorced when I was like 4.

If this is the root of the problem - how do I fix it? Why can I not seem to not want to be with a man who does not want to be with me?

I can keep myself busy all day long and then I become obsessed with why no email? did he forget about me? is he alive - dead- on drugs? what is going on?

I keep telling myself to calm down and that he isn't the one for me and I try to do something else to forget about him, but it never works.

By the way, Z, in response to your post on my other thread. I just left all of his crap in his house and I think I will drop off the key the night before he comes home or early that morning (his house has been broken into 2xs already and I don't want anyone to have too much opportunity to steal what he has left). I probably shouldn't even care this much but I do.

Why can't I release myself from this cycle? He isn't even trying to keep me here.

February 22, 2004
8:41 pm
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Zinnie
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Leave his house locked - because even if you drop it off right before he is "due home" - if he comes home and something is "mysteriously missing" you do not want to take the blame for it.

Take his house key and mail it to his employer - mark the envelope "Personal & Confidential" - and leave it at that.

Z.

February 22, 2004
9:03 pm
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Ladeska
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It's like any addictive process. You have to be committed to hold yourself accountable for what's best for you until you break the compulsion.

For one, you need to have a support system of people who will hold you accountable to a good standard. So you might want to take a quick look at who's in your inner circle. If they are all doing the same kinds of things or encourage it in you - you might want to think about distancing yourself from them and finding new people to replace them.

Being alone isn't a good thing either. You'll just dwell on things. So pick the best friend or relative you can think of that will affirm you in the good and healthy things and hook up with them.

Find something else to do with your time other than sitting and spinning. Take a "fun" class in something. Go hiking, do anything but sit around and think.

You have to change the whole atmosphere around here of what breeds all this compulsive thinking.... Whatever you do - don't do "that".

Introduce yourself to new things, read, go places, explore, broaden your horizons. Put yourself in situations where you might meet people that are actually on your level.

This is a time where your head....has to rule your emotions and not the other way around. Just SAY NO and mean it. You can. You've come this far and done well for yourself, you can do this, too.

Write down what you want in a man and what you absolutely will NOT put up with and put it on your refridgerator or keep it with you and refer to it often.

Habitual thinking and compulsive thinking is hard to break but not impossible. We just get lazy and give into it and keep going round and round in our crap. But you've done hard work before, right? So it's not like you can't do this.

I think one thing that hangs us up is that we have to really face the lie that we CAN change people like this or that we deserve to be abused and used. Both are complete lies but until we really face them and admit to ourselves that we have believed these kinds of lies obviously......or you wouldn't be - where you are...then and only then can you start dealing honestly with yourself.

As long as you run around masquerading and playing hide and seek with yourself, of course you're not going to succeed. Won't be happening. I see people on here do that all the time. All they do is "spin". They can read all the self-help books and go to all the Coda classes they want to but until they really face their own lies - it's just the same old shit, different verse. They are fooling themselves but that's about it.

You don't beat the odds when you try and outsmart the system. It's been effect for a long, long time. What you do is, you find yourself looking in the mirror about 20 years down the road looking like you've been rode hard and put away wet and wonder where your life went.

We have to realize that in order for this to be a problem - it took two to join up here. We had to compromise ourselves and be in agreement with all this. It's not easy or pretty to face the mirror. It never is. But it's necessary and sometimes all you find is someone that sells themselves out before the game even starts. You will arise to - the marker you lay for yourself.

This guy is poison so you label him appropriately and no matter how sweet the smell - treat poison like poison and slap your own hand.

The effect will wear off in time but you have to put yourself in a position of actually getting the good things coming "to" you. As long as you put yourself in the sewer and the washing machine, about all you're going to get is polluted bubbles, ya know?

Until you put yourself in a whole different pattern and scheme of things and change it all around - you're not going to start reaping the benefits. You'll only dream of them and that's not enough to make you really change here. You have to tear down the old structure, build a new one and then hang in there long enough to get the rewards from all that. Otherwise, why change anything at all because if you don't hang ten long enough and really apply the work and discipline - anyone will tell you that you'll go right back to what you know and what's familiar.

You're smart, you know what it takes to get anything in life that's worth having. THIS is worth having....a "healthy" you. So be committed and do not ever look back.

The thing is.....you're a complete woman even if a man doesn't think come alongside you and think you are. That's where things have gone south with you. You need that man that was probably alot like your father in many ways - to be won over by you and conquered and mystically changed by your love and your due diligence of hanging in there and taking crap forever. I've Proved that I love you so why don't you love me? Um...because he was an asshole to begin with!!

So make a list of the characteristics that you want in a man and don't skimp on them either. You're worth it, put it down on paper and take a longggg look at it. If any guy does not measure up to that for the most part - he's not worthy of you and that's just the bottomline. Guys who are worth their salt are drawn to women who know their own worth as well. It's time you put yourself in "that market" don't you think?

And if it takes awhile to find that worthy man - whatever! You're going to go on being you and working on yourself anyways. Good guys are hard to find but - aren't you worth the wait?

So what's going to be different about your life this week?

February 22, 2004
10:52 pm
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marley
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z -

he is self employed and his mail is on hold at the post office. should I still put it in the mail?

Marley

February 22, 2004
11:05 pm
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marley
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Ladeska - WOW!

I totally agree with you and thank you for your insight and support.

I will try to write the list this week! I know that I deserve better than all of this. I can't imagine now that I have sat here for 2 days waiting for him to email and I have so much to do with school and work and everything and all I want to do is lay around and feel icky! This is so not like me . . . I am usually pretty motivated.

I want to be "healthy" but lately I just seem to want to be with him. And really it has been the past 48 hours. Anyway, I have tried to see my life without him and I know that I can be happy - I am more worried about my lack of motivation in other areas and my obsession with trying to have what I can't.

I don't know what I can do to be successful at this stage of the game. I believe I am better than this, so why do I feel so lonely and scared without him?

February 22, 2004
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Zinnie
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Yes - if it makes you feel better tag it return receipt. But, don't just leave the house wide open - especially if it has been broken into. Although you have every right to be angry, and you are hurt right now, leaving the home wide open to be robbed is just plain wrong.

How are you otherwise?

Z.

February 22, 2004
11:12 pm
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Ladeska
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Because you're too close to all this right now. Like anyone coming off a drug - you're having withdrawals and want to beat that square peg into that round hole Damn IT! It's a thing of believing that you must succeed at this or you're a failure. Kinda backwards, ain't it? I mean if you succeed in getting him back - uh, wouldn't that be like a huge setback for you and not what you'd call success...?

You want the illusion or delusion that you've painted in your mind of who he could be. That doesn't exist. He is what he is and that's pretty apparent here. So you just have to keep putting distance between you and him and making yourself do other things and let the time pass here.

But I'm real serious about changing your life around here. You have some serious questions to ask yourself about where your life is heading and what things really jazz you and inspire you. Trying to keep this bimbo in your life shouldn't fall under that heading, huh?

It's also not worth it to assume the position of the female who lost to the other female here over this guy. Oh wow, what a loss! Actually it's the other way around. She loses, big time.

Soooo.....what's going to be different about your week? I think a day planner is order here. You have to structure your week here so that you have no melancholy down time here to go sniff his socks and pine.

You don't have to go overboard and become an activity queen but it would be good to shake yourself up a bit here. Try and get some different vibes going in yourself. Stimulate your mind, your interests in new directions. Give yourself something different to focus on and surround yourself with positive people who challenge you.

February 23, 2004
11:35 am
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marley
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Thanks so much again for your advice.

Maybe if I put my "TO DO" list on this thread I will be more likely to actually do the things I say I will do.

What will be different about this week is:
1) I will do my homework
2) I will do pilates everyday (even if I don't feel like b/c it makes me feel better)
3) I will NOT obsessively check my email for correspondence from him
4) I will go out with other nice more suitable men
5) I will try to go snowboarding - b/c it helps me feel connected with nature
6) I will listen to other people and not focus so much on my own misery
7) I will NOT look for excuses to go to his house (I actually have none)
8) I will try to meditate
9) I will go to NIA
10) I will stop eating so-called comfort foods
11) I will finish my books (I have 1/2 way through like 3 or 4)

Any suggestions to this list would be much appreciated

February 23, 2004
12:03 pm
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My counselor tells me to make a list every day of things I can do that are just for me....take a bubble bath, talk to friends, read a book, etc. I have a hard time doing this because I have been spending my time obsessing about 'him', but at the end of the day, what do I have really? I've done nothing constructive, I've barely started reading 'Codepentent No More' and I've only done a half assed job at work. I don't even know what to do with myself anymore, don't know what will make me happy. I will tell you this, I painted my toenails bright pink last week...I think my counselor intended for me to do something more substantial than that...anyway, I had a horrible day Tuesday and went home and fell apart. Cried until I had nothing left in me and then I took a bubble bath. And guess what? I looked down at my toes sticking out of the bubbles and my bright pink toenails made me smile. I realized that I had taken 10 minutes to do something just for me and it made me feel better. I realize this sounds a little silly, but you never know how much difference just one little thing like that can make. Painting one's toenails is not quite like doing pilates, lol, but it's a baby step in the right direction.

February 23, 2004
12:35 pm
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marley
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Nancee -

Thank you so much for your input. I know what that feels like when you have so much you should be doing and you waste all your time obsessing about *him*. In fact that was what I did all weekend and it SUCKED!

My friend just asked me if I thought we would work things out when he gets back and I really believe that it is doubtful, but the hope is still there. Isn't that sick? I am trying to get rid of that, but 10 days doesn't seem like enough time. It is like I miss him and I never want him to come back. I am starting to get comfortable without him in my life and am afraid of what will happen when he is here. Will I have the will power to stay away?

They say that you should do something nice for yourself as a way of boosting your self esteem - like saying I love me! I am really hoping that this works, b/c otherwise I am gonna turn into a mushy pile of nothing.

February 23, 2004
12:54 pm
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nancee
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I know exactly what you mean about missing him but wishing he would never come back. I just feel abandoned and I don't understand how he could go from talking and emailing every day to no contact at all. The temptation to call or email him is magnified for me when I'm at work because he works just up the street from me and he feels so close. I seem to have more control when I'm at home. I can say that at least now I am staying at work all day and not leaving in tears because of my obsessive thinking. I think I came close to losing my job. I am getting stronger though. I did make the mistake of emailing him and talking to him last week and it was just like ripping the bandage off the wound again. I was much better when there was no contact at all. So I have started detox over again. I think in my heart I keep hoping that he will call or show up and say he was wrong and that he loves me and wants to be with me, but I have to prepare myself for the fact that it may never happen. That's my biggest fear is that while I'm sitting around obsessing about him, he is probably going on with his life without me. As much as that hurts, I need to figure out what my life is. It's scary but also kind of exciting. I know I need to find out what makes me happy before I will ever have a healthy relationship. I don't want to keep repeating the same mistakes over and over. It feels so good to have someone to discuss these things with who understands. Thanks.

Nan

February 23, 2004
1:12 pm
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marley
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Nan -

OMG, it is like the same story. I was detoxing last week and then all of this stuff happened to me and I broke down and emailed him (and he has not responded) and I feel like I am back at square one - except this time I broke the ultimatum to myself which was no more emailing until he gets back.

I have the same wishes too! That he will come back and tell me he loves only me and that he doesn't know why it has taken him so long to figure it out. However, there is a part of me that must admit that he is moving on with his life and it is a life in which I am not included.

I am scared and excited to find someone who is better than he was. I am excited to finally start living my own life, but I am so scared that I will be alone forever and that I will never find a job that satisfies me or have enough money. These scary thoughts keep me running back to the roller coaster of our relationship, b/c even though it can suck, I know how the twists and turns go, you know?

February 23, 2004
1:21 pm
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I feel exactly the same way about being afraid of being alone. But when I was with him, I was really alone too. I should be with someone I can discuss anything and everything with, not be afraid he will think I'm psycho just because I'm going to counseling. It is so scary to think about starting over with someone new when I've spent 6 years in this pitiful relationship, but I have to believe there is someone better out there for me, and for you and for all of us who are looking for someone to love. I've read a lot of people's statements on here and I think I need to face the fact that I love him, but it's not a healthy kind of love. It is addiction or obsession. I need to find good things to fill myself up with instead of trying to fill the emptiness with a guy. I know I'm spouting all this crap like I believe it, maybe if I repeat long enough, I will believe it and start living the life I was meant to live. There has to be something better out there. Where do we look?

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