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going around again
February 12, 2004
4:48 pm
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marley
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I am a little new to all of this so please bear with me.

I have been having this relationship with the same man for the past 2 years. It is constantly on again and off again and I am wondering if now is the time to finally call it quits. I need help with this while he is far away on vacation searching for enlightenment or some such nonsense.

The short version of the story is that we broke up last July and I moved away and while I was gone he "fell in love" with another woman. When I returned the other woman was gone and we started falling back into our old routine of spending all of our time together. The glitch is that he had bought a plane ticket to go and visit this woman he thought he would be with forever. About 2 weeks later (and after he sends her $2000 western union) she tells him she found someone else. He is devasted and I am there to pick up the pieces. Now he is with her in this enlightenment commune and he emails me every day. Regardless of whether I email him back or if I totally freak out on him and call him names or tell him I loved him once but no more. He tells me that this other girl is now a bitch and he is looking forward to coming home. He says we will see how things work out between us but to have no expectations.

I do not know what to do because I really love this man, but am I just a glutton for punishment? Am I the eternal rebound girl who just hangs around while he gets rejected by others? What to do?

February 12, 2004
4:57 pm
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acj
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Is it a possibility that you aren't the one for him and that he just "hangs" out with you until he finds someone else? Could you live with yourself if you found out that was the case?

Personally, I would let this one go. By him going off with this woman, he's almost made a choice between you two. If I were in that situation, I would cut my losses and move on.

acj

February 12, 2004
6:54 pm
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MEC
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Hmm ... I'm not sure about that. You moved away... he met someone else... sounds familiar to me honestly ....

But, he probably won't be able to figure out his feelings for you until this other woman is completely out of the picture. That would be my guess. Maybe now that he says shes a bitch, you should ask him why he feels that way about her and you will get a sense whether she likely to be out of the picture soon or not.

February 13, 2004
12:52 pm
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eve
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Don't let this guy back into your life, get rid of him. If he calls the other woman a bitch now - how do you think he called you some weeks ago? He is not looking for commitment, but propably for somebody to take advantage of.

You propably deserve better than that.

February 13, 2004
3:26 pm
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chloeysmomma
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cut your loses and move on -hugs chloeysmomma

February 13, 2004
6:17 pm
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marley
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Thanks for the advice, but I can't seem to let go of this one. See I gave up on a great guy to be with him and he is the one person with who I feel I can be myself. We have the best time together doing anything or nothing at all. I don't think I can ask him why she was a bitch or how he feels about any of that. The truth is I really don't want to know. He told me once he loved her. Of course he has told me that too.

I have strange dreams about him that always come true, we have matching scars on our elbows from car accidents that happened when we were the same age in the same manner. Sometimes I feel like he is a part of me and other times I don't know him at all.

So do I really give all of that up? I mean what if we are meant to be together and I am just to selfish and impatient to wait for him to figure it out? Or is part of the problem that I am willing to wait for him? I don't know.

What I do know is that there is no one else I want to be with, even if he isn't perfect. So how do I let go and move on with my life?

February 13, 2004
6:21 pm
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MEC
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Have you thought about being alone for a while? Maybe that will do you some good.

February 13, 2004
6:31 pm
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MEC
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Just breathe deep and take it one day at a time and you can get over anything.

YOu know you should try the 21 detox time, but, that means no contact whatsoever for 21 days. I wasn't able to do it, but, maybe you can.

February 13, 2004
6:32 pm
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MEC
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You know, it's also interesting to me that you are not curious about all these random facts re the other girl. I would die of curiosity if I didn't know some of that stuff and until I know and am able to move on, I'm not sure I would give anyone a 2nd thought. (Maybe I would. I don't know.) I'm not saying you should care or ask, I'm just saying that it's really surprising that you don't.

February 13, 2004
8:11 pm
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marley
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I think that being alone is probably a good idea and I do just fine with it when he is not around. But when he is here . . . ah that is a different story. It is like I become obsessed with being near him, he is like air to me. I know that this is an addiction and I need to let go, but when he is around I just seem to want more and more.

The other girl (maybe girls) really mean little to me. I don't care too much about them because I am so absorbed with what is going on inside myself when he is near. Or when he is gone. Or when I remember what it is like when we are together. How can I feel so strongly? It is perplexing to me. I mean he is just a man - a lost man at that. Why do I cut him so much slack? Why do I want to be with him so badly? I do not understand, but it is so.

I guess if I knew more, I would move on and maybe I don't want to know b/c I don't WANT to move on. I want to be with him. It is awful!

February 13, 2004
9:49 pm
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MEC
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You know, it's really funny b/c that's how I used to feel about Ali and there are days when I still feel like that about him, but, much less than before. Now that I have a sense that I can have him back, I feel like maybe I don't want him as much and he wasn't all that I thought he was?

Sometimes I get angry and disguisted at him when I think that he may be playing with my emotions for material things and then I really don't want him.

I can't tell you how to get over this guy, but, start dating and seeing other people, if you aren't already, and maybe you will find someone who will help you forget him.

February 16, 2004
2:23 pm
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marley
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So I spent all weekend in a funk because my ex got married. And it isn't like I wanted to be invited or anything, but I can't believe he didn't even bother to tell me about it. I know we weren't meant to be together but somehow I never thought we would be this far apart.

And then there is dr. jekyll down in costa rica, emailing me all the time telling me about his life and how we are such great friends and yada yada yada. thanks so much for taking care of the cat, I would LOVE it if you would pick me up from the airport oh and now he is back to being friends with the new girl. So I think I finally hit the wall. I am tapped out.

So on valentine's night I go to meet a friend of mine who works at this new restaurant and this guy comes over and we chat for a few hours while she is finishing her sidework and then the 3 of us sit down, chatting about nonsense. Well then she says something that makes it seem like I have a boyfriend and the guy just ignores me after that. The totally f'ed up thing is that she (along with all of my other friends)thinks dr. jekyll is a complete jerk and I need to forget about him and move on. So why did she block me with a new guy? Any advice on this one?

So I finally email down to costa rica and say - hey lets not talk anymore until you get home. I have not heard from him since. I am hoping that the next 16 days or whatever will be long enough. But I am wondering - did I do the right thing?

February 16, 2004
2:40 pm
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gingerleigh
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"So why did she block me with a new guy?" Could be a variety of reasons. Either she could really be a kind soul who thinks you need to get your own head screwed on straight first before you jump into something else. Or maybe she's sick of watching you get all the guys while she plays second fiddle. Or maybe she liked the guy herself. No matter what the reason, I think she did you a favor. In this single post, you are obsessing about 2 different guys, and now you want to bring a third one into the mix? Slow down, girlie.

February 16, 2004
3:05 pm
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marley
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thank you gingerleigh! I needed to read that. You are definitely right. So how do I stop obsessing? Everyone keeps saying find someone else find someone else, but I don't want someone else and I don't seem to know how to be alone. So now what?

February 16, 2004
3:18 pm
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Zinnie
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Marley,

I agree with Ginger whole heartedly... slow down.

You need to spend some time by yourself, and learn to be happy with yourself and make better choices in men before you meet another one. I think too many people jump from one relationship to another, never looking at what goes wrong with their previous affairs.

Z.

February 16, 2004
3:26 pm
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marley
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Is 16 days long enough? I get so bored. I am the oldest of 8 kids and am used to having people around all of the time. Now I live alone, with my dog and find myself hungering for companionship.

I do think you are right, I just don't know how to do it. Sending the goodbye email was the hardest thing I have done and probably b/c it really felt like goodbye and he hasn't responded so I think he gets it. But what now? Pottery class?

February 16, 2004
3:29 pm
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Zinnie
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Pottery class sounds good to me.

I'm one of 11 kids, and there was always someone around all the time. Truthfully, I LOVE my time alone.

When my husband is gone... I have a ball, just being alone - I kid you not.

Sixteen days is not long Marley, and even so you are still spending your time as said above "obsessing" about men. Perhaps you should really work at finding out what you do want in a relationship so that when you are ready to start dating you know what you do want. Such as my "NO Buts" list!

Z.

February 16, 2004
3:36 pm
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Anonymous
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Marley -

I think that the one thing you need the most right now is to realize what it is about you that makes you you, Not how someone else makes you. Don't base who you are on anyone else, find what you like to do, and do it, and in doing that you will find the self fullfillment of being alone, and being okay with being alone. There is something to say about the freedom you have, especially when you don't have to worry about anyone else controlling your emotions, what you do, or anything, and I can promise you this, once you get to the point of being okay with being alone, you will like it. Its a powerful thing to be happy with your self and who you are.

February 16, 2004
3:37 pm
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marley
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what is a "no buts" list?

I do enjoy time alone, often and I keep pretty busy generally, but there is a constant cacophany in my head that my time is running out and I need to find a man so I can have babies and what am I going to do about my career and school and everything else and sometimes I just want someone to swoop in and say "hey baby no big deal I have got it all covered" and I will smile and say "thanks alot" and we can ride off in the sunset together. Cheesy, huh?

February 16, 2004
3:42 pm
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Zinnie
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My "no buts list... I came up with a long time ago after dating "The Biggest Jerk in the World"

I love him, BUT he hits me.

I love him, BUT he does drugs.

I love him, BUT he drinks too much.

I love him, BUT he does not like my dog.

I love him, BUT he does not like my friends.

I love him, BUT he hates my family.

I love him, BUT he spends all of his time in topless bars.

I love him, BUT he never does what he says he is going to do.

You get the picture... not saying that this solved all my problems, but it sure gave me a really good starting point of what I would accept and what I would not accept.

Zinnie

February 16, 2004
3:52 pm
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marley
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I love him, BUT I can't seem to let him go?

February 16, 2004
4:05 pm
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Zinnie
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I guess the other question is why are you in such a hurry to get married and settled down?

February 16, 2004
4:12 pm
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marley
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ahhh - dunno. want babies I guess.

February 16, 2004
4:14 pm
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Zinnie
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How old are you if you don't mind me asking?

February 16, 2004
4:25 pm
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marley
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I don't mind - I am 28 and I know I have my whole life and all of that, but I just can't seem to help it, I want babies. and I want to travel all over the place - so I am a little at odds about the whole things right now.

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