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God please help me understand and see the light!
August 17, 2009
8:06 am
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guy99
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God please help me understand and help me see the light! i cant keep going on like this. i have made so many changes in my life for this woman and for some reason i keep drowning with no sight of the light at the end of the tunnel...

i have made alot of changes for myself aswell. i have made alot of steps in the right direction to help better myself. i have done so much for myself that for once i was at peace. that is until yesterday.

on saturday my wife came over to spend the night so she could be with me. everything went great until i saw her not wearing her ring again. stupid me wanting the truth i looked thru her phone. i saw there was another guy like i was suspecting... i confonted her about it and i found out she had started dating him about 2 weeks after she left me and our 8 year relationship.. married for 2 of those. how could somebody do that?!?!? i saw some of the things that were said and believe me i was not reading all the messages,,,, i couldt bare too. they were telling each other they loved each other with xoxoxox.... when i asked her if she loved this man she said she had deep feelings for him.... when i heard that it was like she stuck the knife right thru my heart and twisted the blade making my knees want to buckle out from under me. our marriage was without a doubt the happiest day of my life... now finding this out is the worst day of my life. before her i could care less about another living thing on this planet besides my fammily. i have never let another living soul into my head and heart before her. these are all new feelings to me and i just feel like there is no coming back from them!

now today i write her an email telling her everything i feel about what happened yesterday. but before i got a chance to send it she sent me a massage saying that she will not being seeing this man anymore. so i didnt answer her and keep writing my email. when i finished it i told her she has mail. within minutes of her reading the email she tells me that she wants to work on the marriage??? why the sudden change now??? she said this too me....

W/o a doubt I have realized the hard way that no man is going to love me the way u do and if u r willing to make changes to make me happy who am I to turn that away?

what do i do?!?! i am so confussed. i want her back without a doubt but i feel so betrayed inside now!! after finding this out i feel so torn and beat down.

August 17, 2009
9:35 am
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caraway
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guy,

I am sorry to hear that you are hurting; Break-ups are tough. Sounds like it is hard for her as well and she is afraid to leave you and the security and devotion that you provide.

It sounds like something is missing in her life. Did she marry you for the wrong reasons? Has she realized that she loves you more as a friend than a lover?

It seems harsh to you that she is talking with someone just 2 weeks after leaving, but you have to realize that she probably has left you many times in her mind... people usually try and push themselves to stay and they don't want to hurt people they love. They don't want the fight and anger. They want to feel that you will always still be there in case they need them, or change their minds.

Go to counseling if she will and go alone if she won't. It sounds like she just doesn't want to be married anymore and if that is the case, you may have to just let her go. If she makes a mistake and wants to come back then you will have to let all of this go and be willing to trust and start over.

Cary

August 17, 2009
9:49 am
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Backubacku
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Guy99,

What a tough situation. It seems your heart is really connected to this woman. I am all for keeping marriages together but only when it is a healthy situation for both. My experience with my divorce, the more drama and hurt, the more I feel connected to my ex. A sick pattern, but good to see. I think this is part of coda??
I would say to take things very very slow with your wife and your heart. Do not be convinced yet that she is willing to change. Go by ACTIONS, not words and time will tell the truth. In the meantime, keep your heart strong and don't give yourself away. When you know your heart is safe with her, then commit wholly.
Backubacku

August 17, 2009
10:14 am
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atalose
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guy,

I responded on your other thread.

Atalose

~~Hope has a place, but not above reality~~

August 17, 2009
11:36 am
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darkeyes
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guy. just reading your threads. see how we destroy ourselfs in the name of love. what is love??. you have began to take care of youself, have tried and see how you were at fault and took steps to fix it, you would do anything for your wife, many on here see that but do your wife??. now someone else, my H wanted to end our marraige i couldnt let go would have done anything for him, accepted anything in desperation. then another whole crasy thing took hold of me for 4 yrs of my life with another guy, thought i had gone mad and to get peace nearly ended my life. lesson i learned big time, its not about my H or this other guy, or anyone else, its about ME, my selfworth, respectin myself, loving myself, careing and nutureing myself for myself and knowing i deserve that, and never again looking outside of myself for that. darkeyes

August 17, 2009
1:23 pm
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guy99
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i guess the hardest thing i am going to have to learn now is to forgive her and be able to trust her from now on. i had complete respect and trust for her up until yesterday when i found this out. i am also very hrut that i stood up for her and refused to let people even think that she was seeing somebody else. its like i got slapped in the face with a big 2by4 with nails in it. i do still love her and want her back but will i ever be able to forgive and forget what she has just done to me?!?! can i still work on my marriage with her if she is still living else where were i know this guy lives right down the street and this guy still hangs out with her friend she lives with?? these are all things i am looking at right now and they are very hard to cope with. i just dont know what i can honestly do now and how i should feel about all of this. if she wants to try and make this marriage work then i dont think i can do it with us living in seperate places anymore beacuse now the trust and respect is not there to a dergee now.

August 17, 2009
2:20 pm
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darkeyes
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guy. its hard enough to make a marraige work liveing in the same house let alone try in 2 different places. yes its hard to deal with situation, and to forgive is a very hard thing to do but you can with time, understanding, and communication which is so important, wont work otherwise. Q what do YOU want instead of what your wife wants coz you dont seem to know what she wants noe do she herself..... 1 you love her, 2 you want her back, 3 you dont know if you can forgive her, 4 your questionin if you can trust and respect her and 5 you know it cant be safed living in seperate houses. answer these Q and you might come up with some answers for you and thats where you can only begin..

darkeyes

August 17, 2009
2:32 pm
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darkeyes
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and guy this is hard to hear, you dont own your wife, who she has as friends is her choice not yours and if you dont like this person, you dont have to, and thats your choice, control, desperation, and dependancy are all part of being codependant and tryin to do that with anyone even in the name of love is not healthy...my experience..

August 18, 2009
1:53 pm
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guy99
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i have learned over time that i can not control who she has as friends. sometimes i dont like them and i see them for what they really are. sad thing is they always end up burning her very badly and then i am there picking up the pieces after they do. i hate seeing her hurt beacuse of fake people.

but over time i have learned and relized that i can not control her. sometimes i do feel as though i own her and she isnt going any where. i know that is wrong and a big problem as i should never feel that way. it is still something i am trying to fix about myself but it will take time.

i just want my wife to have friends that are normal and not all messed up inside. friends that would never put her into bad situations were my wife feels wierd and doesnt say anything because she wants people to be her friends so badly she doesnt. all are hopes and dreams i have for her as i know deep inside she really is a good person and would never truley hurt anybody on purpose. but she is a cody like me and we both have things to work on.

August 18, 2009
4:10 pm
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StronginHim77
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A really "good" person would dump their loving husband for some other guy? And then want to keep the husband safely on a back burner, in case she needs him?

Whoa. You and I have very different definitions for what constitutes a "good" person. To me, she sounds very selfish, manipulative and carnal.

- Ma Strong

August 19, 2009
9:43 pm
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fantas
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Guy99,

Only you know how much you are willing to do for you, this woman, and your marriage, such as it may. There is no use wondering about what has happened in terms of why, how, what unless you want to save this marriage. Otherwise, it would be more helpful to you to strengthen yourself and heal this wound your wife has caused in you.

If you want to hold onto you marriage, then you need to honor your pain and seek for ways to start learning how to forgive and let go. Your marriage will never work if you do not trust each other. If you decide to be with her, you cannot keep this at the back of your mind. Search yourself and see if you can let it go. I would recommend seeking therapy for yourself and later both of you. She too should definitely be in therapy.

Were I in your shoes, I wouldn't allow a partner who has cheated on my back into my life until a qualified therapist tells me that he gets it and is willing to do whatever it takes to restore my trust. Which would mean that he would, on his own volition, be an open book until I felt secure in the relationship.

To me, your wife sounds confused? She doesn't seem to know what she wants. How did your relationship come to a place when she moved out? You seemed more hurt about the fact that she was talking to someone else than the fact that she moved out. I think all is fair game once a separation happens and I mean the next day.

August 20, 2009
3:22 pm
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darkeyes
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guy. you say you see, some of your wifes friends as fake people, proberaly you wife does to at the time, but gets her back up cos ye argue over it ect. you pick up the pieces when it all goes wrong??, yes your wife might sound off at you over things but that doesnt mean she wants you FIX IT. see you can only fix guy and thats where we as codys get it so wrong, we try to fix everyone/ every situation. not our job. your wife has to learn to love herself, and see she deserves better and no one can do that but her, i see what your trying to say and do, believe me you cant, take care of youself get yourself well and then you might be able to help others in a healthy way.. wishing you well... darkeyes

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