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God I hope I make it this time...
October 15, 2004
10:47 pm
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natty
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Hi all: after one week short of 12 months I have finally up and left him.
I started dating a man last October who i thought, at first, was the cats pyjamas. He was SO GREAT - but there were red flags all over the place and I IGNORED them.
He always left first thing in the morning, I never met his friends or family - including his two children, and whenever I had an issue with this and tried to talk to him, he hid. He would not answer the phone to me and would cut me off for a few days.
I am ashamed to say I bought into it and kept thinking I was doing something wrong. What resulted was almost a year of psychological abuse.
These are the things I have since found out about him AND CONFIRMED them to be correct:
After he split from his wife he moved back to his parents. He is 38. His mother still treats him like a little kid and does EVERYTHING for him. I think this might be why he disrespects women.
He had affairs behind his wifes back, starting the week they got back from their honeymoon.
He emotionally abused her everyday for the 10 years of their marriage.
He has apparently stalked every woman who has ever broken up with him.
He has two kids, 8 and 10. He still wipes their bottoms when they use their bowels, hand feeds them and ties their shoelaces. As a result, they are helpless.
His ex-wife has re-married and has a new baby. He has been harassing her since the divorce, which was 4.5 years ago. She tried to take an apprehended violence order, but as he is a policeman, she was harassed into dropping it.
He tells his two children that their mother's husband is a child molester (I seriously doubt it).
He went out with a fellow police officer before he met me, and after three months she dumped him. He stalked her for 12 months and only stopped when she complained to their superiors.
I could go on and on, but there is just too much.
I am so sick that for the last year I spent at least one day/night a week bawling my eyes out over this man who was so disrespectful, who I allowed to walk all over me.
I have tried to dump him about four times, and each time done an about face and begged him to take me back, I didn't mean it etc.
That was BEFORE I found out what a deceptive psycho he was.
As I stated, all the red flags were there. Looking back my intuition was flashing me all the time, telling me there was something very very amiss.
This time, armed with all the info, I pray to God I do not allow my crap self-esteem get in the way again.
I am working with my wonderful therapist who has promised me she will help me, and has assured me I CAN DO IT, and that I don't have to keep taking crap from men.
The other day I didn't think I could do it.
Now I know I HAVE to do it - if I don't, what is the point of anything? I can't allow myself to stay miserable for the rest of my life.
I'm 33 - time to start making some changes, taking back my power. When I get married and have a child of my own, dammit the man is going to be loving and respectful. I am NOT going to settle for second best ever again.
Wish me luck - I'm absolutely terrified!

October 15, 2004
11:37 pm
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sdesigns
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Hi Natty: First of all congrats on defining for yourself what you will and will not accept from a man. Sounds like this man put you thru hell and now you know that is not what you want or deserve. Second, since you know of his past stalking behavior, be very careful. Especially since he's a cop he has special powers as you noted. If ANYTHING happens, make a note of it, document it, have witnesses, dates, etc. It sounds like this is his pattern and just be aware.

I am in the same mode- no second best for me either. And they better treat me like a queen or they can just forget it. Its not worth the heartache. Good luck to you and stay strong. SD

October 16, 2004
12:00 am
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natty
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Thanks SD.

You know, I am hoping and praying and actually expecting he WONT stalk me.

He has not even attempted to get in touch with me, so I am guessing he just can't be bothered.

A week ago this realisation hurt me. I didn't want him anymore, but was really devastated he didn't appear to want me anymore.

But the bottom line is, I am glad he is not trying to see me, because if he were, it might get too hard to stay away.

October 16, 2004
12:13 am
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starryslp
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i feel like if you would have rather never met him, then danced the "dance" with him, even though it didn't work out,,,, well then you probably shouldn't be wanting him.

if ultimatly you would have rather never met him...then why want him?

i dont use this advice like i should, but i believe it.

i so admire you natty...that you know exactly what you want and deserve.

October 16, 2004
12:34 am
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natty
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In all honesty I worry about myself.

Can I make a confession that might make you guys all think I am a nut?

In a way I feel like, if he has a pattern of stalking, and he is happy to just leave me alone, I feel like there must be something so offputting about me that even a psycho dickhead didn't see me as worth it!

Not that I want him to stalk me, that would be very very scary, but the fact that he has not even made a phone call is making wonder if I ever meant anything to him?

I worry about myself, that I may be addicted to drama. I do know in my heart I DO NOT love this man anymore, and DO NOT want to be with him.

Or maybe my ego has been so dented by this guy, I feel like I need a little validation.

I know this is crazy talk, and even just writing it is helping, because I know I am good enough. I know that just because he was a total loser, it does not mean there is something wrong with me just because he couldn't love me.

I really think I am going to get through this. I guess old habits die hard and it's not as easy as movies and tv make it out to be.

One thing I have learned as well - I am definitely not in a healthy frame of mind to have a relationship. I have never ever been with a man who truly loved me, or truly treated me well.

I too have had some bad points in relationships, where I cling, get needy, don't trust etc. This makes me realise that until I work on that (and believe me, I am working on it with a great therapist) I am not going to be the sort of girlfriend a decent man deserves. So while I am screwed up, I will only draw screwed up men to me.

It gives me inspiration to learn how to be healthy in relationships. Because I want to be happy, I want to be respected and loved, and most of all, I want to feel those things for myself, not search for some man to feel them for me.

Gosh - this is hard work. I feel ready though!

October 16, 2004
12:35 am
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mamacinnamon
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YOU CAN DO IT! I have full faith in you.

I am so glad you are out of that situation. Run, Run, Run and never look back. I lived that for 12 years.

Oh, and please watch your back and be careful. He CAN't be trusted.

Good Luck to You!

October 16, 2004
1:14 am
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natty
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Thank you so much for your faith. It is so great to know i have support here. It really really helps keep me strong. 🙂

October 16, 2004
12:23 pm
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sdesigns
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Hi Natty: I don't think you're nuts! Gosh if you are, then I am too. I know what you mean about wondering if you meant anything to him at all. I have come to the realization that my ex didn't give a damn about me and I hung in there hoping he would. I now know what a creep he is but it still hurt. BUT I also know now I did it to myself and accepted the unacceptable. I knocked myself out trying to earn love from someone who wasn't going to give it.

I don't think I have ever been in love either- maybe just obssessed w/ wanting to be in love. I for sure have never been in a mutually loving relationship and wonder if I ever will be. Maybe its just a fantasy.

But I think being alone is better than all of the high drama and pain that results, don't you? Its just that you can never tell how things will end up when you start up w/ someone.

We just keep learning. Best of everything to you. SD

October 16, 2004
6:55 pm
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natty
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I got home from dinner last night and was, well.. hard to explain, but not really wanting to hear from him, but I guess I was feeling strange because he has so quietly gone away. I wondered if I have really heard the last from him. I suspect so.

I got out all my old diaries (in one year I have filled 2.5 journals about him) and started to read about all the pain, angst and heartache I was feeling and it hit me NOBODY was keeping me prisoner. I was keeping myself prisoner. God, I was SO SO SO miserable, and nobody had a gun to my head making me be in that `relationship'.

I got about half-way through the first journal and felt sick, and couldn't read on. I just couldn't re-live it, and I felt kind of sick that I kept myself there for so long, in such a horrible emotional place.

It strengthened my resolve.

I also realised something else. I was playing a fantasy in my head about what I would say if he eventually did contact me. I was rehearsing how i would explain to him that what he was giving was just pathetic and not enough.

But then I thought: NO! I do NOT need to justify myself to this man. I have spent a year trying to tell him how I felt, and he wouldn't listen. I am done, and there is no need to try and explain that to him. If he calls I will just put the phone down in his ear.

October 16, 2004
11:55 pm
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Zinnie
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Natty,

If this gives you hope...

My first real relationship was sick, and I was sick too for staying in it. What I learned was "this is not how I want to live for the rest of my life."

And, I haven't.

I have been married to a wonderful man for the last 14 1/2 years. The relationship is one of MUTUAL respect, love, honesty and trust.

The first step is knowing that what you had in the past is NOT what you want for the future.

Z.

October 17, 2004
11:17 am
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Anonymous
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Natty
congrats and good luck sweetie! I know what you mean about not wanting him but still want for him to want you...lol did I get it right? I'm in the middle of getting out of my relationship, we own a company together so its been a little hairy but just the other day I was furious becuase he retorted: what relationship when I had just thought the same myself! I know its not healthy, I try to laugh about it for being silly but for all its worth, I think just recognizing it alone that its not healthy is what will help us move on. 🙂

October 17, 2004
8:58 pm
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natty
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The worst part is, it makes me feel absolutely betrayed and sick to think of him with somebody else, when deep down I know that no woman is going to have a healthy relationship with him - he is too screwed up and evil.

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