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god, help me get through this crap
June 15, 2002
12:55 am
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irishlass
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Hi, it's me cinder, I've changed my name, like i feel about changing everything else about myself lately. I hate my sister. I resent that self-absorbed 17 year old I used to be proud to call my daughter, ...the only good thing in all of this is the fact that I have finally met my birth daughter...who is beautiful, wild, and a lot like me...so many emotions there it would take a book. I feel angry, happy, sad, and cheated. I am 48 years old and alone. I have lived most of my life mourning one daughter I relinquished, and probably will spend the rest of this pitiful time left to me, god willing, mourning the loss of the little selfish brat living with my sister. She, the 17 year old has the audacity to say to me, well, mom, this is a normal school, normal kids, normal town!! Well, of course I kept my cool the little buggers don't give you much choice.. I got her the best school in the city..I can't help it if she thought her friends were abnormal, I didn't choose them. Talk about a slap in the face. Do you know what I am really po'd about?? The fact that I put my own life on hold to raise this child. How stupid and unthinking was I?? My daughter chose the road of least resistence, more money, material things...God I hate my life right now...I feel really lost. I hope I can channel all this negative energy positively.

June 16, 2002
2:47 pm
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irishlass
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A sincere thanks Blondie. Always a safe port in a very stormy sea. Thanks for reminding me wht to be grateful for. I will rise from my own ashes,as have you.

June 16, 2002
10:33 pm
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irishlass
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LOL...AND A QUIET, KNOWING, MOTHERLY CHUCKLE! How true it is. thanks for listening and providing sound advice and a good laugh per Blondie style.

June 17, 2002
12:26 am
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gingerleigh
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Irishlass/Cinder, happy to hear from you and see that you are still around. I don't know anything about empty nest, but it sounds like you are going through some real tough stuff right now. Blondie and others here have taken their turns ranting about their little ingrates who they loved and nurtured from the womb and then they turned around and didn't appreciate any of it. *grin*

My mom is 56 now, and she started a brand new life for herself, new town, new career, new her, almost 10 years ago. She went through some major crap, made some really bad choices, but is in a place finally where she feels most like herself and is pleased with what the rest of her life looks like before her. She has her own home, and terrific friends who care for her, and just got remarried a few weeks ago. Her life ain't perfect, definitely not what I would want to be doing at 56, but it's who she is and she feels like she is living authentically. I'm proud of her.

I know when I was 17 I was a bundle of emotions, excitement, fear, bitterness, sadness, awkwardness, anger, etc. For me, my best defense to get through hard times was to clam up and agree with everyone. For other teens that I knew, it was to blow up, say everything on their minds and if nothing was on their minds then to make something up. You're bratty daughter is acting like a kid, and she'll grow out of it. She chose the road of more money, more things, etc... kids do that. So do a lot of people. How many shallow women do you see out there who date a man only if he drives the right car, wears the right clothes, buys the right presents? How many men do you know who only date a woman only if she has the right body, wears the right clothes, socializes with the right people? Those shallow materialistic adults are just kids who never grew out of that phase. Your kid is being a kid, doing the materialistic phase. Try to be glad that she is getting the good school now, in a few years when she pulls her head out of her ass, she will thank you for it in her heart, even if she never says it.

As parents, we are obligated to love and raise our kids as best as we can. You've done your very best. As children, we are not obligated to our parents... we are obligated to pass on to our children what our parents gave to us, to the best of our means and ability. Unfortunately, for many of those in my mom's age group, she got the worst from both sides. She raised a kid through the 70s and 80s and the kid sailed off into the world with a quick "thanks mom" over her shoulder and that was that. But at the same time, mom had to keep giving and giving back to her own parents, forever under their control and their watchful eye. Give give give, on both sides, and add to that a husband who just didn't give a damn and what do you get? Insanity would be my prediction.

Big hug out to you, Irishlass. Your daughter will come around... doesn't matter at the moment though. How are you considering channeling your energy? What sort of projects are appealing to you right now?

June 17, 2002
4:37 pm
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Cici
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thanks for that interjection, ginger. I know my Mom still has a lot of hostility towards me, and I recoil from her too much because I fear that anger. Half of it is hers, half of it is because of exactly what you said. I clammed up and agreed until I was so full I exploded, and only then did my relationship with Ma get crappy.

I love her, I just wish she would remember how young I am still, sometimes. When you're 17, 18, 19 - hell, up until you're 30 nowadays - you're a kid. Ya make dumb decisions and people get pissed at ya. But you can't expect a 17 year old to have the wisdom of a mother. It's just not possible, even if she's a mother, too!

Time heals all wounds. Or is it time wounds all heals (ha ha ha)

June 17, 2002
9:38 pm
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irishlass
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Gingerleigh, Cici, know this...whatever your problems with your own mothers are,they love you, only as a mother can...they are the ones who will catch you when you fall, from crib to grave, I don't think that ever changes. Thanks for the insight, concern and regards...I am an artist so I started to draw and paint again...miracles might happen..I might even sell one. Thanks for asking Gingerleigh...I hope for my sake and my daughter's we will have a better relationship when this is all over...I don't have my own hope but I have faith in what you both say.

June 18, 2002
10:32 am
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irishlass
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Yea, ...ditto on that Blondie. My belief is that when parents are having problems with teenagers it makes the eventual seperation that much easier on everybody...including the antsy teen. Everyone heaves a reluctant, yet deserved sigh of relief. The very thing we dislike in ourselves annoys us in our children. I brought my daughter up to eventually leave me...the fact that she did, drives me mad. Maybe that is why they are meant to drive us to our last nerve...so that we can let them go.

June 18, 2002
11:52 am
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Cici
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Aw, c'mon, Blondie - you would've been strangling me like Homer strangles Bart if I'da been your kid. I am exasperating and I sass back. Did you guys see that Nicole Kidman movie, "The Others"? That's a weird Mommy film for you. Reminds you that it's a good thing to have separation and distance, eh?

June 18, 2002
11:55 pm
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irishlass
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Actually, Cici, Havaen't seen the movie but will make a point of it...it has been on my list of to dos.
When you think about it, Bart is a pretty likable character.

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