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gloomy weather,,,gloomy mood
September 22, 2006
2:35 pm
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lovingmom
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My mood seems to match the weather today - cloudy and gray.

I want to feel good and get a lot done and I just can't seem to get myself motivated. I have so much to be thankful for but I just feel so sad. I've always done things to make others happy and can't for the life of me figure out how to pull myself out of this and start doing things that make me happy.

When I read through some of these threads I feel so sad for many of you and your situations. Then I also feel happy for those of you who take steps to get better and move on. I sit and read and feel these feelings, but haven't been able to really express my own feelings as openly as I would like to. I feel like my head is in a whirlwind and it's so hard for me to put down in words how I really feel.

I have lived the last 12 years of my life giving and never expecting much in return (from my husband). I have made life as easy as possible for him. Now I'm feeling these feelings of resentment and anger, but am also very leary of making changes because I feel it would be very unfair to just pull away and not be there any more. No one made me do so much for so long; I chose to. Now after all these years I want things to change. Maybe it's just better to keep things the way they are.

I should be happy to have a husband that loves me and does not physically abuse me. I am thankful for those things, but can't say I'm truly happy. I don't think any of this is making sense, but I've erased far too many of my words and am just going to hit the send button before I can erase any more.

September 22, 2006
2:46 pm
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thumkin
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We must be in the same side of the world cuz its just as yucky here today too. My day couldnt be any gloomier than the weather either. I got a letter today letting me know that I didnt get the job I had interviewed for and wanted so badly.

I know what its like to do everything to make someone else happy and forget about yourself in the process. I hope you find yourself. Do you already do the littlest of things? I have the hardest time finding the motivation to do the littlest things for myself but if its for someone else somehow it gets done. I used to have to force myself to take the time to do something as simple as giving myself a semi manicure. I always feel so much better when my nails are pretty but you would think it was like doing spring cleaning the way I put it off. But try that. Start with baby steps for you. A good book from the library and dont let anyone interupt you, or a special drink or snack just for you to enjoy. Or what I used to do was just make dinner for me once in a while. I mean I still cooked enough for everyone but it was what I wanted and not what they wanted. My ex was always a meat and potatoes man. I LOVE spaghetti and lasanga. Every now and then I would make them just for me. He would usually throw a fit or start a fight but my supper was still good. (I would especially make it if he had done something to tick me off that day - vindictive huh? 🙂 )

September 22, 2006
2:52 pm
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risingfromtheashes
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hi mom.....have you seen a doctor about your depression?

I ask, because for years, I WANTED to fix my life....I longed for a happier situation....I tried alot...read alot, went to therapy, etc.

But in the end, the ONLY thing that brought me out of my black cloud was an antidepressant. I tried many before finding one that worked.

But in the end, no matter how much I tried on my own, wanted a better life, it wans't going to happen without the meds.

and that whirlwind thoughts is exactly how I used to be...and the meds helped me focus and come up with a plan and follow thru with it.

keep posting...sometimes it helps to just get stuff out.

also, know that having a husband that doesn't abuse you is a given, not a "perk"....he should be able to meet your needs in many ways, not just by being "non violent"....there is more to love and respect and commitment and marriage than "he doesn't hit me, so it should be good"....cuz it takes more than that to make it work.

please know you are not alone.

September 22, 2006
2:54 pm
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lovingmom
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You're right thumkin. It takes all I have some days to get stuff done for my family. By the time I'm done doing for everyone else I'm usually too exhausted to do anything for myself. A manicure or pedicure after a long hot bath would be ideal, but it's something I will have to make myself do. Not to mention that I'll get the "what are you doing?" or "why aren't you sitting with me?" questions from you-know-who. I will do it though. I need it and it would make me feel good, I know.

September 22, 2006
2:58 pm
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lovingmom
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Thanks rising!! I guess I never really thought that I was depressed, so haven't even gone that route. But you're probably right. I can't keep from crying some days, for any reason or no reason at all sometimes. I guess I just want to be everyone's everything and admitting that I'm depressed is admitting that I can't be that.

September 22, 2006
3:00 pm
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lovingmom
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Thumkin, Sorry to hear about you not getting the job. Like I tell my kids, if it didn't happen it's for a reason and there's something better meant just for you. Hope that helps a little.

September 22, 2006
3:04 pm
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thumkin
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I hated those questions. Every night he wouldnt even bother coming home till bed time and then it was why are you not paying attention to me.

Do you love your husband? I ask because I did it for so long where it was all about him that I got to where I didnt even love him anymore. We are divorced now and the funny thing is he has made some changes. The sad thing is I dont care anymore. While he wasnt physically abusive he was verbally and mentally abusive and I couldnt take it anymore and still love him. I know all of our problems were not his fault because I let him make everything revolve around him.

My point is (if you can believe there is one) there has to be some way for him to see the damage being done before its too late to save the marraige. My ex for months after we seperated would say If I had only known what was coming I would have changed the way I did things so that you didnt feel that way, and like I said even though we are no longer together he has made changes so that he doesnt get blindsided like that again. I told him over and over I tried to tell him but he never understood what I was saying and I am not a good communicator.

September 22, 2006
3:19 pm
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lovingmom
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Do I love my husband? That's really a good question. Is it possible to love someone if you can't stand they way they treat you? I honestly can't answer that question. I think deep down under the hurt, anger and frustration I do love him.

He knows that things aren't great for me right now. I started seeing a counselor a while back (have only gone a few times). I have told my husband that there were times when I really wanted to give up on us and that just didn't go over too well. Just recently he had a seminar for work and one of the speakers really hit home with him and he swore he was going to make some changes in his life. He said he saw things a little differently and he was going to try to make things better. The only change I see is that he is more motivated about work and is putting all he has into it. I still feel the way I feel, but now I feel like a downer because he's up and I'm down.

September 22, 2006
3:25 pm
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lovingmom
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We have talked about the hurt he's caused. Until just recently he has been a big partier and always enjoyed going out with friends and would come home late (or early depending on how you look at it). Always drinking and making that a priority most nights. He knows how I feel about all that we've gone through and he has actually said that he can't believe I stayed through some of the things I've stayed through. I can't even be certain that he hasn't cheated on me, but have never accused him of it because he has accused me of it and I know those accusations don't feel good. (I really don't know why he accused me of cheating. I have rarely been out of his sight and if I was I had out kids with me.) Anyway, I got sidetracked there I guess. My point was, he has stopped a lot of his night-life behavior, and thinks I should be grateful for that. I am, but I can't just forget it all, or maybe I should.

September 22, 2006
3:40 pm
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thumkin
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Funny how it seems like our marraiges are quite the same, or mine was anyway. Everything you just said I have said many times.

I am not giving advice because if a marraige is salvagable I say save it. Mine wasnt but it was a decision I made inside myself. I was scared to death when I first decided it too.

I wish our marraige could have worked. I wish it would not have ended for my girls sake cuz now they cant live with both thier mommy and thier daddy. But at the same time I am not sorry I left.

Me and the girls will be ok. Thats whats most important. And while most days I struggle with depression I am learning to take care of me, to think of me. I am in a relationship but he is not like all of the other relationships I have been in. I do do things to take care of him but only because or when I want to. And the wonderful thing is he thanks me and does things for me in return, and doesnt get upset with me when I do things for me. Now Im sidetracked.

If you are seeing a counselor have they discussed depression with you? If you are clinically depressed it could be where a lot of indecisivness(sp?) comes from.

Have you talked to your husband about not just thinking about leaving? Have you said look, I cant do this, Im ready to be happy. If you cant work with me..... I dont know that kind of sounds like an ultimatem doesnt it?

Oh shoot. Like I said I dont want to give advice cuz I havent made the wisest decisions with my own life. I just know how horrible it feels to feel the way you are right now. I will say a little prayer for you tonight and hope that happiness will find you and the clouds will go away.

September 22, 2006
3:55 pm
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lovingmom
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Well, I'm now crying like a baby. Your words have really touched me. Your non-advice is very helpful. It just helps to hear that you've been there and have done something for you, whether you felt it was right or not, it was what you felt had to be done. I admire that you

I think I know deep down what has to be done. I have to face what's really there. I don't want to give up, but I think I've put all of everything I have into making this work and one person can't make it happen. It has to be both of us giving all we have. Right? I know that this marriage can survive if I keep making it happen, but I don't know if I can survive the way this marriage works. Does that make sense?

I've never threatened to leave because I knew that I couldn't. I'm just not strong enough to stay away. Another reason I haven't left is because I don't want to fight over time with our kids and I know that would happen. He does very little for them now, but he would fight to the end to spend as much time with them as possible; that's just how he is. I don't want to share them and that is very selfish on my part, I know.

September 22, 2006
3:59 pm
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lovingmom
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Thanks for your prayers thumkin. I've done my share of praying on this subject too. I know that God will give me the answers I need in his own ways. I just need to keep my eyes and heart open.

September 22, 2006
4:02 pm
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risingfromtheashes
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mom,

I think that the most important first step you can take (after this one, cuz this was a HUGE step for you) - is to find a counselor.

See what they say and see if they can help you sort out your feelings and if there is a need for medication....sometimes a professional can help sort out those jumbled thoughts, as well as give you some direction on where to go from here.

Once you are in therapy and have your head a little clearer, you may be able to see what direction you should go....and perhaps then, if you want to work things out, he may decide to get counseling with you.

If not, and things continue to be nasty and unhealthy, you will be stronger and able to stay away, as well as fight the fight over the kids.

Sharing the kids may be something you have to face, cuz unless there is out and out abuse or neglect, most courts will award some visitations.

Anyway, that would be my advice - take the first step and get some counseling....and see where that takes you.

I can't advise you to leave or stay, because I am famous for fight or flight reactions - if I don't stay and fight, then I flee....which does nothing to help me learn to resolve the issues.

September 22, 2006
4:06 pm
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Shaney
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big hugs for both of you :o)

~~~*(((((~thumkin~)))))*~~~

~~~*(((((~lovingmom~)))))*~~~

love - shaney

September 22, 2006
4:08 pm
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lovingmom
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Thanks rising. I actually have seen a counselor a couple of times, but have had to cancel quite a few appointments due to scheduling conflicts, no sitter, etc. I am finding it helpful so far, just haven't gotten into much with her yet. Your words are helpful, thanks again.

September 22, 2006
4:12 pm
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thumkin
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"I think I know deep down what has to be done. I have to face what's really there. I don't want to give up, but I think I've put all of everything I have into making this work and one person can't make it happen. It has to be both of us giving all we have. Right? I know that this marriage can survive if I keep making it happen, but I don't know if I can survive the way this marriage works. Does that make sense?"

It makes perfect sense. It was where I was at. He asked me why wont you work on this, why wont you fight as hard to save our marraige as you are fighting to end it. I told him I have been fighting to save our marraige for years, I was just the only one doing it.

Rising from ashes is right. Counseling should (if you have the right counselor) help you make sense of what you need. As far as the children went in my case I was so afraid he would try to take them from me and he threatened to many times but it was more to hurt or scare me than him really meaning it. Dont get me wrong I know he loves them but he has never had to be the one to take care of them. I did all that and we were just something he had at home to say look at my wife and beautiful children. I think it is amazing to see him actually doing things with them now that we are no longer together and I am not there to do it for him.

September 22, 2006
4:14 pm
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thumkin
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Thank You Shaney - You are wonderful.

September 22, 2006
4:37 pm
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lovingmom
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Thanks Shaney, I felt the love in that hug.

I really connected with my counselor right away and can open up to her, but I don't think I've been completely honest with her about everything I've gone through. I think in some way I'm trying to protect my husband and make him out to be less of a bully than he really is. I'm still working with her and will be going back next week and have promised myself that I will lay it ALL out and set the record straight.

Maybe I'm using my issue of sharing my kids because I'm too afraid to face what I might find if I'm alone and have to look at myself and figure out what I want for a change.

It's all very overwhelming. I know for sure that I have very little self confidence and in order to find what makes me happy I'm going to have to gain some and get myself on track.

September 22, 2006
4:42 pm
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risingfromtheashes
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mom,

I am a single mom too.

and sometimes, "for the kids sake" really motivates me to do the right thing....no matter how scary it is.

sometimes thinking of the kids often gets me to do the right thing because I can't put myself first in the situation.

be honest with your counselor - that's what you are there for, and paying for....she can't help you unless you are totally honest, which is in essence, helping yourself first....which means you are taking baby steps in the right direction.

I understand fear, most of us here do....but remember not to worry about eating the elephant all at once - just one bite at a time....baby steps is good enough.

give yourself credit for finding the counselor...once you open up and be honest totally, give yourself more credit....this will help you build confidence as well.

free from his abuse will give you HUGE confidence, no matter how scary, then you can worry about "what next" and what do you want out of life....you need to be free from bondage before you can dance and live.

I admire your courage, keep up the good work.

September 22, 2006
4:50 pm
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lovingmom
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Thanks so much, Rising. I do promise to be honest with her (and myself) and maybe she can help me work through the clutter in my mind.

September 24, 2006
12:38 pm
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chelonia mydas
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Lovingmom, Thumkin and Rising,

I am also in a very similar situation- except I don't have human kids- but my pets are like my kids. (so it is similar- but not the same)

I have been with my husband for 14 years (10 years of marriage). Until 2 years ago I catered to his every whim- then I realized I was angry and resentful and started to change. This past spring I made very drastic changes and was still trying to make the relationship work... but when he didn't try to work it out, I finally gave up.

In August I realized that I can't stand to be in the same room with him. He is moving out Oct. 1st. But now that I have gotten to this point he is now trying to change. He is trying to be nice and do things that I like, but at this point I don't care.

I am really looking forward to being on my own soon. I already have taken a week's vacation the second week of October to organize the house and get my life in order. I am actually counting down the days- but feeling very guilty and excited all at the same time.

I can't force myself to love him and want to be with him and right now I can't stand to be in the same building with him. I am hoping that if I have some time away from him then perhaps I will get over my adversion. I don't want to hurt him and I think this is terribly unfair to him, but life is unfair. Continuing on in a bad relationship is worse. Ideally it would be nice to fix it- and I haven't completely decided to leave. But at this point I can't work on it until I want to be with him again.

Its nice to know that I am not the only one facing this. I have even found two songs that seem to be written just for this situation. I have been listening to them so much I am sure the dogs now want to puke when I turn on the stero.

"Home" by Sheryl Crow and
"Go on Ahead" by Liz Phair

Lots of hugs to all of you. So glad we are here to support eachother.

Chelonia

September 24, 2006
1:18 pm
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Anonymous
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So sad youre going through this after such a long relationship. Its also such a burden when it dawns on us that we are unhappy cuz we feel the need to make a move. /then maybe after looking around we may find it wasnt that bad after all if only we had a life for ourselves. Wishing you all the best, much hope and strength whatever path you may choose.

September 24, 2006
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lovingmom
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The feelings of anger and resentment are what I keep trying to get past and I just can't seem to. There are times when I feel like you chelonia mydas, times when I can't even stand to be in the same room with him. I try not to feel this way, but all of the nonsense from the past keeps me feeling bitter. This is not me though. I'm not angry and bitter. This is just what I've become and I hate it. I've allowed all of this to go on for so long and now that I want things to change I feel guilty. I feel like I am pulling everything out from under us if I make changes.

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