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giving up hope
October 14, 2004
5:56 pm
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Anonymous
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I really don't know how much longer I can last. The new partner I was bringing in has pretty much opted out. I'm still stuck in the same position and every day I get into a deeper hole financially and emotionally. Every time I try to stay positive and it feels like I'm getting out of this hell it falls through. And I have been working really hard to stay positive, and to think clearly and to focus. Now its getting all blurry again, last night mr. j and i had another war and he started becoming abusive again. i know how to handle him but i should have just turned my phone off and let it lie, had an excuse after last night to tell him to go f*** himself and just roll over the co. But instead I chose to ask him why he was being abusive and we got on good terms again, i let him in my heart again. why can't i just let go and walk away? why do i keep letting him in, why don't i have the guts to go broke? because i keep believing this pipe dream? i don't want to give up? but i'm giving myself away in the long run? because I'm worried its not the right thing to do? i feel so trapped again. jail. Thats why i've been talking so much about freedom. because i feel like i havn't had any, i do now emotionally because even though i let him in my heart last night i still havn't seen him and am staying away, just in case he manages to weasel his way back in with empty words. i don't know how much longer i can last. i really don't. my therapist warned me another breakdown and i could be in a catatonic state. i really don't think i could be that bad but still, i was a total zombie for several months, i don't even remember those months clearly. a part of me just wants to take off to europe, sleep in hostels until i find something that pays under the table and get a room somewhere, just to completely isolate myself and be alone. i'm so tired of this up and down. i'm stuck financially, even if i had the guts to bail out there would still be a ton of crap to deal with, going through bankruptcy under the company's name and then personal bankruptcy would follow. I'm so depressed right now. I really felt like i had a fighting chance this time, to turn the co. around, make it happen, get out of this mess. I knew i was putting my eggs in one basket with hope but the other paths are too dark to consider right now. a part of me just wants to die, it honestly does. the other part wants to fight, but how and what i don't know yet. i want to live. i want to be free. i just don't have the strength left. its a big mountain to climb. i'm not scared anymore persay but i'm such a nervous wreck. one phone call from a collector and i'm bawling again. ugh.

October 14, 2004
6:11 pm
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brendalee
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You can not go to jail because of your debts. Know this! Bankruptcy may be an option for you, so be it. I am looking at the same thing myself to be honest with you. I read some info about bankruptcy and I just loves to see those words...debt RELIEF!!!! That's what I need - relief! I have been hopeless myself here recently - just living paycheck to paycheck and wondering if I'll EVER get out og living in this trailer park where I have been for 20 years....20 years!!! If I didn't have the 40 grand credit card debt - I could probably be in a house becuase at 44 years old - I ain't getting any younger. Like I said, I have been looking into filing personal bankruptcy and I really liked the info about it - about starting over with a clean slate....whew....is this really possible? Would be such a tremendous weight lifted off of me. In practical terms maggalisa, If we are going to file for bankruptcy - I've been reading that it might be best to start beore the Novemeber 2nd presidential elections - because after that - Bush might pass all kinds of stuff between now and January when either he or Kerry is sworn in. If you hang in there - I'll promise to do the same!!!! Brenda

October 14, 2004
6:11 pm
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starryslp
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(((( HUGS )))) for you hon....
We are all here for you....
Please take care of yourself!

October 14, 2004
6:13 pm
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Anonymous
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Thanks, I'm in europe though and I could go to jail for the taxes. spoke with a lawyer already. its pretty dismal righth now.

October 14, 2004
6:19 pm
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((((((((((Magga))))))))))

Hang in there! We care

Sunny

October 14, 2004
6:22 pm
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Thanks sunny. I'm trying I really am. Its just so hopeless right now. really, i'm trying to see it as a fresh start and being able to start over. Its just hard thats all.

October 14, 2004
6:27 pm
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I'm going to bed, will post manana. hope its a better day
good night everyone

October 14, 2004
8:08 pm
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Vickitoria
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Please don't give up hope. I live in Houston, TX and I too am considering bankruptcy. I am 49 years old and have been financially independent since I was 16 however drugs and alcohol and divorce have left me broke. I felt the same way you did with bill collectors - HEY they Can't take your life from you, it is only temporary. It is not the end of the world. Are you spiritual? If so, God will take care of it for you just LET GO AND LET GOD have it. If GOD is in the drivers seat HE has a much better way of handling things than we do. I know that for a fact. I was an accountant. Now I have lost my Explorer that I paid on for 5 years, I lost my luxurious apartment, and had my car repossessed, and am living in a 18 month residential treatment program because of prescription pills and alcohol. My life has been rejuvinated, I have a second chance. I will pray for you. Just hang in there and continue to share with others. Take care.

October 14, 2004
8:33 pm
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Patarino
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I filed backruptcy ... it was well worth it.

I have a good friend who tells me "this too shall pass". Rest assured tomorrow will come and then the day after. Like in the movie finding Nemo ... Just keep swimming. Hang in there and keep posting. We will be here!

October 14, 2004
8:49 pm
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brendalee
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God - this is such a great site....heaven-sent. Vickitoria - just the other night - I got so fed up with the whole mess - that I turned it over to God...I said - here- you can have it. I dunno what to do anymore. I envisioned a package being sent to God with return sender "unknown"...and/or "never look back" here God....it's in YOUR ballpark now - I don't want to have to have a thing to do with it anymore....I am spent - so - that's where I'm at now. Don't want to have to think about it anymore....just see whatever presents itself - afterall - I ain't got a damn thing to lose....I don't own this stuff anymore.....

October 14, 2004
11:18 pm
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songbird
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Hi there hun,
I am back for now, I know, I have been isolating, I am going through the same thing you are. Like I said before, I had to completely leave because I wasnt strong enough to handle him. I was too vulnerable, too codependent. I filed bankrupsy. It was morifying for me, went against everything in me. But because of my alcoholic/addict husband and divorce I had to. I finally "Let go"..(and Let God) What a relief. There is nothing I can do about it now and its fine. There is life after bankrupsy
I am really struggling with depression right now, so I understand how you are feeling. Just wanted you to know that I do care and you are not alone. We sure do this to ourselves dont we? Hang in there, I am praying for you.
Songbird

October 15, 2004
1:02 pm
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kathygy
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maggalisa, I am not judging you or saying you are a bad person when I say this but you have come here for help and I think the best help I can be is to give you some honest feedback.

When I read your threads I see a victim and a martyr. Yet, you are a strong and capable woman. You know this man is bad news and that you need to break completely free from him and the business you share. But it sounds to me like you prefer to suffer and complain, that you are getting some gratification out of that. I could be wrong but I am familair with this because I have done it in the past. Give taking care of yourself priority and let go of suffering and this man once and for all. I wish you only the best.

October 15, 2004
1:42 pm
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Cici
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I'm sorry kathy, I know you meant well, but I disagree with your assessment.

When you own a business with someone it's not easy to just say, hey, I'm fed up with this, later!

You are responsible to a lot of other people besides just yourself. It's one thing to deal with an abusive relationship, and getting out of that relationship involves YOU and your PARTNER.

In a business there are multiple financial implications. Europe does not have the bankruptcy laws that the U.S. does. Filing for personal bankruptcy is also very different than dealing with the bankruptcy of a business.

I'm just saying - let's differentiate what the implications are for leaving the MAN versus dumping the COMPANY. One situation is much more complex than the other.

October 15, 2004
2:08 pm
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Hey everyone,
thanks to all.
Kathy, I appreciate your input, I have myself wondered if I am just being a victim and then flip. However, that is just my strength. I have always been a very strong, capable and level-headed person. I have always been known as "marge in charge" actually because I have always been a leader. Dealing with a company and an abusive boyfriend on top has been enough to send me to the hospital twice, sure I had my issues and got depressed but this has been emotional hell. No other way to describe it. And in complaining, its ok because we all need to vent. I would dare anyone to stay two days in my shoes, let alone almost a year which is what has gone on. I left halfway through a biochem degree and was president of an academic club amongst a 50% job as well as tutoring on the side, stress has never been a factor for me before. When you have bill collectors, employees, and an asshole calling and cursing at you, hand collectors coming to your home, and whatelse you start to believe you can't do it, your nothing, he's right, i really am weak and everything else. He used to call me and curse and raise all fury if one thing went wrong. and in the meantime, he also cheated on me with so many other women he couldn't keep track himself I'm sure. Now add to that physical threats. And 200.000k in debt, not company debt which in filing bankruptcy I would not be held liable (europe is funny like that) but anything I personally signed and that is alot on my head at 23yrs old. And the reason I did not just up and leave is because I have been determined to find a way out. I think I have one but I'm not saying anything until the contract is signed. I kept perservering and did everything I could to stay strong. I have also been going through alot personally well besides my ex and his crap, I was raped at 17yrs and it wasn't until a month ago that I acknowledged it. I have let it eat away at me for over 5yrs wondering if it really happened or didn't, becuase I was in denial and it is common that victims of sexual abuse shut down during rape at an older age, and try to erase it completely. So yes, I might be a victim and some days a martyr but that just shows my true strength inside. I never really want to kill myself but I want to feel dead. Numb. Some days thats all I can do to make it all go away for awhile. And walking away from the co. is out of the question because I have put everything into it and to me that is giving up, not standing for myself and asserting my rights.

October 15, 2004
9:14 pm
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Well, so far so good. Looks like I might get out of this after all. Just trying to make it through the next two weeks, transition time it looks like. I'm going to go to my parents, can't wait. Miss my family so much. I feel like I've been in a daze this past year. The cloud in my head is slowly dissappearing, it comes back sometimes but I'm working hard to get rid of it. Mr. jack was talking about rolling over the company into a new one to shake some of the debt off, done quite often here. If the new partner didn't come in he offered me 25%. HA. First time I stood up to him:) Told him I would consider it for 45% (NOT). He pissed me off in the conversation so it went up to 49%. I realized today he would never acknowledge the work I did, hasn't now and never will so I decided that I defiantley won't do him anymore favors. I hope this deal goes through. Keeping my fingers crossed. when the new partner agreed to the terms of the contract, not signed yet so its not concrete, I felt like I was floating. so much stress and tension just POOF gone:) My employees all said wow, havn't seen you smile like that in a long time. The thought that my perserverance might just pay off is gratifying. I also told mr. jack today if this deal didn't go through to come up with someone else to relieve me of my debts or I'll run the co. down. I was so angry, the percentages he was talking and the work he projected that needs to be done, screw him! I'm not letting that idiot walk all over me anymore, and I did it today. I'm proud of that much today. Small victory in a long battle:) Small steps right? Assertion is a good feeling when you don't practice it...

October 15, 2004
9:20 pm
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Magga,

Each small victory becomes THE major victory. And in the end, comes peace.

Thinking of you, WTG!

Sunny

October 15, 2004
9:25 pm
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Thanks sunny,
I think it helps that I was already angry at him, he kept pushing me to talk about the rape, and I just kept crying. He didn't have a right to go there, see I let him in one time and already he zones in on the weak spot. He was a violater too. Thats how I feel at least. I just want him to go away now. Not forget but move on with my life. And work through my anger over the rape. I'm so angry still inside, how dare he think he even had the right to bring it up. I didn't, thats the thing, he is just a self-help addict and is excellent at reading people and took off a little tidbit I shared over a year ago. Freaked me out a bit, my behaviour has been irrational and I have been very angry these past two months, but I also let him know that he owned a part of that anger. Thanks for bringing it out. I hate him. Disgusting sleazebag.

October 15, 2004
9:31 pm
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(((((Magga)))))

Yes, he had no right...Sending special prayers your way for guidance, strength, and comfort..

Sunny

October 17, 2004
10:43 am
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Hi Sunny
Hope your weekend has been nice:) I'm feeling optimistic. Just practicing control over what I can do. My sales went up 25% this weekend so there might be hope if I work a little harder. My focus is getting much better since I kicked him emotionally. The only thing that threw me was on Friday, I was so angry and hurt. But it was also meant to happen I guess because I thought to myself, why should I let a jerk like him throw me for loops emotionally? so I decided that I was going to focus on my business completely and I do feel much better. The more I push him away the more balanced I feel within myself. But I'm still depressed, I've been keeping busy all weekend and collapsed from exhaustion both nights. If I stop I get sad. I'm just bitter and angry and sad and a million other emotions with everything that has gone on. Something came up this weekend that also made me realize that I can't trust him or anyone else around him, friend or foe, they are all messed up themselves. My friend betrayed me this weekend so I'm a little sad but not surprised anymore. I just need to make better choices I guess in friendships. Maybe I'm too trusting, thats why I'm in this mess to begin with? That is my nature though, always has been, and I don't want to change that, maybe just become more aware. I'm just working really hard to catch myself allowing me to use him to validate my feelings and self-worth, thats what I have been doing and thats how he's been hooking me back in. sometimes I wonder if someone is really that sick inside? I don't see how. But I keep learning the truth the hard way and as much as I want to believe him to be good inside, I have to face the reality that whatever he is on the inside, he's not showing it. Its ugly on the outside, and I know I don't want that.

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