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giving him space (Need help)
January 7, 2009
11:07 pm
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meetmeinhvn
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I dont know how to give the one I adore and yes love,(space) he has told me he does not feel the same way (love)but he adores me.
I fell in love day 1, exactly 1 yr and 1 mnth. his frustration with my smothering him is going to make him walk. I am alone and 6 yrs older, I am so ready for the next step in the relationship but I feel like I am the one controlling it. any suggestions on letting go a bit so I don;t lose him adn with out crying my eyes out when he doesnt answer messages from me, or I dont see him for a couple of days. Help... I am head over heels but am too clingy.

January 8, 2009
12:14 am
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_anonymous
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meetmeinhvn- WOW. You cant define yourself by what he says. You cant make someone love you. It sounds to me like you might have fallen in love with a man who is emotionally unavailable. Him not answering your messages and pulling disappearing acts is not OK. You did not do anything to make this man act this way. You need to do something different. What would work would be if you did something unexpected as in :
- Dont ever call him. Wait for him to call you. Dont answer his messages
-If he leaves for a couple of days disappear for a few days yourself before he gets back so when he shows up your gone
- Leave and go somewhere yourself.

Tell him you are the one who cant live like that anymore and if he you 2 dont get counseling you will be the one to leave.

Why are you attracted to a man that doesnt love you? The fact he doesnt love you is his problem not yours.

Yes, when we get involved with men that behave like an out of control teenager who wants to do what they want when they want and only think about themselves then it brings out the parenting, rule enforcing side of us. Which causes them to rebel, which causes us to feel out of control. These dynamics create nothing but heartache and confusion.

Since loving him, controlling him, crying for him, leaving him messages, waiting for him doesnt work try something different. This man does not sound like relationship material to me.

January 8, 2009
7:11 am
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sad sack
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Hi Meet,

I have a completely different take on this.

I don't see this man "emotionally unavailable" or poor "relationship material." He is not acting like an out of control teenager. YOU ARE.

You are acting so needy and neediness acts like a repellent in relationships. Why would any one want to feel smothered?

Individuals in healthy relationships do not need to be with one another 24 hours a day/7 days a week. You need to have a satisfying and fulfilling life outside the relationship.

Can you blame him for not answering your calls? You are coming across as a stalker. Leave him alone. You are definitely going to push him away as well as any other healthy male you become involved with.

Don't look at his behavior. Look at your own. Why do you not have a life of your own outside of relationshps? Why can't you enjoy your own company? Why are defined by this man? How can you possibly fall in love so quickly? It sounds more like an obsessive addiction than love. Do you have any friends other than this guy or are you the type that discards all of your girlfriends when a guy comes into the picture?

You are the one who needs help. Have you tried counseling? You seem very insecure and immature (sorry, but that is how I see it).

I think this guy will respect you more if you have an interesting life away from him. You shouldn't NEED to be with him every second. That is just so unhealthy.

Get some counseling. Read some self-health books. Talk to positive, healthy friends. Keep coming here for some support/guidance.

Your story is all too common here. I am so surprised (well, maybe not surprised) at how many women will revolve their entire lives around the men in their lives (at the exclusion of everything and everyone else).

I hate to sound so blunt but GET A LIFE. A man should not be your entire life. You are so overly dependent and that is so unhealthy. No wonder why he is avoiding you.

Please get some help.

sad

January 8, 2009
7:17 am
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Philips
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WOW ,sad that was brutal, AND

Also quite correct.

As a man, I can tell you there is no greater turn off than a woman who is clingy and needy to the point at obsession, especially at the beginning.

Here is the HUGE problem IMHO, about the only man who will find those qualities in a woman attractive are control freaks and you definately don't want one of those.

January 8, 2009
7:21 am
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Philips
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IMHO, Call him from time to time, see how he is doing. See if he wants to get together BUT don't make it seem as though you have this 100% need to talk to him

@DestinyStar

IMHO, it is not good advice to get someone to play recipricol games with someone, that is REALLY bad way to start a relationship because IF they were to work , the man would feel manipulated and may very well build resentment that WILL fester down the road after a lot of time has been invested.

January 8, 2009
8:13 am
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CAMER
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hi (((meetmee)) haven't seen you posting since this past summer.....and I remember you were going thru the same problems.

Here it is a year later from when you met...I think its time for you to
find things for yourself to do, like hang with friends, family, have some hobbies.....but from what I recall you don't know alot of people in your area? well how about going to the movies, going shopping or just browsing thru stores...just something for you to do....instead of waiting and worrying about your bf.

Please make some changes, cuz remember, nothing changes if nothing changes...and if you are still clingy with this guy, i can see why he may not call you for a day or 2....you have to give the relationship some breathing room. Make some positive changes, and then see what happens with the relationship. You can do this, you just need to believe in yourself (((meetme))).

(((((sending you hugs)))) camer

January 8, 2009
10:42 am
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_anonymous
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Philips- I hear what you are saying. I agree games are dysfunctional. But when I hear about a partner telling another partner they dont love them, doesnt see him for a couple of days, doesnt answer messages, doesnt care how she feels I dont see a relationship. But I do see how her behavior can cause this even though their are people who will do this to anyone they are with no matter what the person does or doesnt do.

This man does not respond to her calls, being there for him etc. So why should she continue to do this. Since he thinks it is fit for him to treat her in a hurtful way why should she treat him any different.

Also if someone doesnt love you, doesnt return calls, etc. whats the point of dealing with them at all?

January 8, 2009
10:51 am
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_anonymous
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Philips- I do appreciate and enjoy a mans perspective.

January 8, 2009
10:52 am
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Philips
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@DestinyStar

I agree, if this guy doesn't call for days etc..... It isn't a relationship, and be done with him.

January 8, 2009
2:00 pm
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SpecialK
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Meetme -- he's admitted he doesn't love you. I know you love him, but if he doesn't feel the same way, there's nothing you can do -- no amount of attention paid, or space given -- that will make him feel that way. I know it is hard since you've been with him a year, but I think you'll be happier in the long run if you move on. I'm in a great relationship now with someone who genuinely does love me, and I look back on how looooooong I spent with various men who did not feel the same way about me as I did about them and think, why?! (Of course, I know the answer: because at the time I loved so much I was willing to do anything to make it work and giving up was not an option.)

January 8, 2009
2:42 pm
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courage to change
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Hi meet

I feel for you, and would like to thank you for sharing your story with us all.

It brought back my attention, how I must not invest all my whole life into a man. So thank you for putting me back on track.

In the past I have loved so many men who were unavailable for many reasons and did not truly love me. I would lie in their arms, feel so alone, cause I could sense it was not reciprical.

Well anyway, time passes and its a great healer. I moved on.

Looking back I wasted time on these men. Took me till I was 38 to realize what was going on.

Well I have met someone wonderful. I can tell you that when he looks at me, its with love. I lie in his arms and I sense the love from him. My neediness, has lessened and contentment growing. What a beautiful gift I have been given, something I have never experienced. The true love of someone who likes me for who I am, and thats just it.

I hope you have the strength to come back, and get the support from everyone hear. They to have been through similar stories. You will get the help and support you so deserve.

Love to you xxx

January 8, 2009
3:06 pm
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SpecialK
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CTC - wow, that is exactly what I was trying to say but you worded it SO well. Thanks!

January 8, 2009
4:55 pm
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marypoppins
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Meetme,

Yes, lots of people on this board have been or are in your situation right now. We grow up with parents/caregivers who don't know how to love, so we don't really know what love is.

We despise ourselves so much that we hang on for crumbs, believing that is the way love is supposed to be.

I remember calling too much, saying too much, throwing temper tantrums. My mom told me I was pushing my husband away with my insane jealousy. We did divorce, eventually. Later, a boyfriend came along who lavished attention and his own jealousy. I could go on to describe other relationships, but the point is, none of them were really right. Each had its own chaos.

I was trying to get all the love I never got growing up from the men I was with - which I didn't understand until I got into therapy.

Time does help. Time away from relationships or anything resembling them. Therapy, self-help books, and learning how to love yourself and be happy on your own are necessities, in my opinion, to learn how to give and accept true love.

Forgive yourself. We often go so far with our neediness that we're completely ashamed of ourselves. We likely start out ashamed of ourselves and dig in deeper and deeper with every futile attempt to hang on.

There will be a day when you are calm and at peace with yourself - when you realize you accept and love yourself, your strengths and your weaknesses, and that you don't need anyone to validate you.

If someone doesn't treat you well, you will not consider even a friendship with them. If you work with them, you'll try to limit contact. Once we achieve self love and acceptance, we prefer to be around people who appreciate us for who we are, and we let those who don't go on their way. No big deal. We can't expect everyone to "get us".

When we meet someone we really like, we can expect our learned behaviors from childhood to appear. I still struggle with trying to do what's best for myself. It's not second nature yet. But I know what trying to control someone to love me or want me or need me in the way I want results in: heartache and lowered self esteem. Not worth it.

There is always some risk involved in love as adults. But if we're rejected, after falling in love, after an investment of time, we need to know that we'll be okay. We can be happy for the good times we had, for the love that we shared for that period of time. Not every relationship is meant to last forever. It hurts, but we should always, always have ourselves - our OWN love and acceptance. This will help us get through whatever comes along.

All the best to you. Take the time to learn about yourself and heal. You will have a happier life if you take the time to figure yourself out.

Mary

January 8, 2009
11:45 pm
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_anonymous
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meetme- Please look up Love Addiction on the internet and I think it will tell you all you need to know.

January 9, 2009
10:30 am
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courage to change
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Meethim...

Would be good to hear how you are going. Does not have to be positive or negative.

Just be great to hear from you.

xxx

January 9, 2009
11:22 am
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Zebra
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Wow..brutal...correct...and encouraging. Thanks All.

I needed to hear that to, even though I am not in a relationship. I am learning to love and accept myself.

Z

January 9, 2009
10:22 pm
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CAMER
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(((meetme)))) i hope all this is not scaring you away....please post and let us know how you feel...we are here for support!!!

January 9, 2009
10:26 pm
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SpecialK
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Mary -- I love your post.

January 9, 2009
11:48 pm
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marypoppins
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(((SpecialK)))

January 10, 2009
1:27 pm
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SpecialK
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Hugs right back at you, Mary.

MeetMe, are you still here?

January 10, 2009
4:41 pm
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marypoppins
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((((Meetme))))

We all have to take our lives one step at a time, one day at a time, as the recovery programs say. I've kept stars on a calendar to remind me of how often I've called or texted. You can see that going for a day or two without contact gives you a different perspective. I still have to fight the urge to not go overboard with new friends. If we don't have a network of friends and acquaintances, we may give one person all our attention. It's a big demand.

In the past, with lovers, since I felt so unworthy and unlovable, I immediately became attached to anyone I slept with. I don't know that I've ever been quite clear on the difference between love and sex. If our worth is based on a particular relationship, of course, of course, we will be afraid for it to end. So we need to keep making sure that the other person is still interested. And, we're willing to take anything. Sometimes even negative attention.

Perhaps I'm just repeating the same things, but please remember, these are not things I realized at the time of my past relationships. Now I'm going into things with more insight, and as I wrote, therapy and this board have helped a lot. Therapy is nothing to be afraid of. It's a wonderful gift to give yourself. Being comfortable in your own skin makes life so much more rewarding. There's much less of a desire to reach for food, sex, men, drugs, alcohol, credit cards, etc to escape oneself.

Those times when you don't call, when you do something healthy for yourself, such as work out, prepare a healthy meal, read a book, try to cultivate a new healthy friendship, are all to be celebrated. Those of us who use people to escape ourselves and are addicted to our relationships, feel anxious when we're alone. That's what drives us to go back and get our fix. But take it one step at a time. You can do it!!! You are not alone!!

We're here for you, Meetme.

Love,

Mary

January 13, 2009
2:58 pm
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OopsADaisyFuentes
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Wow! This thread has helped alot!! I needed to hear alot of these words today so thank you to mary and Destiny and everyone for sharing your stories and your words of wisdom. It really is a day by day journey..and oft times minute by minute.

My girlfriend and I are very much in love but we are both plagued with insecurities and our own set of baggage from the past etc..which often times leads to misunderstanding or miscommunication and in my case..clinginess without me even realizing i am doing it. She got upset with me the other day for what she perceived as me holding back when in reality I think it was her looking for an excuse or reason that this is too good to be true. But in it..I did come to realize that as Mary said..I need to become more comfortable in my own skin and learn more about me so I can truly share that in a relationship. I owe it to myself and my girlfriend.

So i will keep trying day by day..minute by minute and hopefully draw strength from the examples here etc..thanks so much!

((((Meet))) I feel your pain..hopefully you are taking care of you! I spent 5 years chasing someone who I was sure was in love with me but wasnt emotionally available. The minute i let go..they came back but I had moved on..soooo..you will find happiness but first we need to find it in ourselves.

January 14, 2009
10:12 am
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marypoppins
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((((OopsADaisyFuentes))))

January 14, 2009
11:46 am
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Zebra
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(((All)))

okay I recognized some codie things comeing out in me when I was with another person. I went out with a guy from my bowling league and all was wonderful. I have been thinking about him and how to proceed with this friendship and then my mind got me. It started telling me that he won't like me, that I am to aggressive and question to much. So, then I told myself to STOP and told myself that he should like me and that I am not agressive and that I do need to ask questions about his life in order for me to make sound decisions about him and our friendship.

We have been talking for a few weeks at bowling and then we went out for a few hours last week. I won't see him this week, because he informed me that he is going to a Hockey game instead.

So I guess my question is: Am I doing the right things with my mind?

Z

January 14, 2009
2:41 pm
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_anonymous
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Philips- I will say Yeah to that one. Sounds like this man has quit and stayed.

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