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GIRLFRIEND THINKS THAT SHE CAN CHANGE A MAN
June 8, 2007
2:14 pm
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nappy
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Hello everyone,
My girlfriend, My friend of many years has gotten up with this man that I already know is no good. He has so many red flags that he is consider damage goods.
They have only been going out like I said for three months going on four and NOW she realize that she may have made a mistake but now she can't get rid of him.
She honestly think that she can change him, but I don't say to much because I had already told her. I will just be there for her and she knows that too but this man is crazy.

1.) Now he wants her over there every night so that he can have sex with her at night and in the morning.
Well I told her that it is not his fault, it is her's. She don't live with this person but by doing that, she has paved a road for her own misery.
2.) she is trying to say no to this man but when she goes to sleep, he takes it any way.
He told her that when she say no, she don't mean it.
I told her that it is not his fault, it is her's.
3.) Now he goes up to her job (school teacher) and thinks and feels that she is having an affair with every male teachers at the school. Thank god school is almost out.
I told her that is not his fault, it is her's.

She thinks that she can get this man to stop drinking. He drink from 7:00 in the morning until 12:00 at night. When he is drunk, he goes to talking about this ex that has hurted him real bad. He only has been single for four months. And he get angry and start threating her about being with other mens.
He will have to go out of town next week and he told her that he will be having someone watch her until he get back (scary)
She laugh!, I don't. She truly believe that he will change because he has feeling for her. I told her within three months. Come on now!

She already feel that he is taking the sex for granted and she don't like it but I told her that she should of put a stop to it but being single for a year, I could understand about being very excited but after a while, sex is not the whole relationship and she is going to hate to go over there or even for him to touch her. She already knows that but I just don't think that this guy is going to take it well when she start to draw back her feeling for him because she already see that something is not right but she hoping that he will change.
All I told her was that it is not his fault, it is yours.

Nappy!

June 8, 2007
2:25 pm
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nappy
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I guess this situation makes me angry because I see so many women (like her) thinking that they are not nothing without a man.
I can understand when we were younger in our 20's. We didn't know much.
Then from our 20's to 30's, well we may know a little of what we wanted but we knew a lot more.
Now we are in our 40's and I think that now we may know a lot more and to know what type of woman we are and what our self worth is.

I told her to don't settle for less, if you know these things about him, let this person go. You DON'T HAVE TO TAKE ANY OF THIS CRAP. But she does and still want to complain.

Nappy!

June 8, 2007
3:10 pm
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fantas
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Hi Nappy, it's obvious that you are very concerned about your girlfriend and her situation with her boyfriend. He sounds downright dangerous to me and I hope she can wake up before he hurts her physically. He is raping her and she doesn't even know it. Unfortunately you will just have to sit back and watch her and be there for her when things get bad which they will. I understand your anger but I think you are too emotionally vested in this situation. Does it trigger up stuff in you. I ask this because about a year ago I found myself getting very upset about two relationships that were just really bad. I was as upset as if I was the one in the relationships and eventually, it dawned on me that both relationship reminded me of my past relationship. One couple wasthe exact dynamics of me and my ex. And the other couple, was triggering my own emotional lack. After I figured that out, I slowly began to have less emotions towards them and now I have none. Their relationships are still as sick as before, one of the couples is now married, but I am not emotionally triggered by their relationships anymore. You are an awesome friend. Wish you were over here:)

June 8, 2007
3:12 pm
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4harmony
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Nappy, I agree that this is a VERY extreme situation. I know that I have put up with a lot of abusive behavior in the past, as a lot of people here apparently have. But most of the time, it didn't show itself this quickly! It was usually well into the relationship. I understand your concern for your friend. It sounds like this man could be dangerous. I don't know what can be done though, it seems she's the only one who can do anything about it.
4harmony

June 8, 2007
3:13 pm
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caraway
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nappy,

"You can lead a friend to water, but you can't make her drink", in other words, you can't change her.

It sucks when you love someone and see them making a huge mistake, but can't get them to hear you. Just plan on being there for her when it all falls apart.

Cary

June 8, 2007
3:43 pm
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risingfromtheashes
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nappy,

I read this and wonder if that is how my best friend felt all those years that I continued to make those same fatal mistakes......

The thing is...just because WE have come to a point in our recovery that we recognize these things, does not mean that others have reached the same point.

think back to when you were going thru this...could anyone have said anything different to change you or your actions? probably not.

I know for me, no matter what my friend said, I did what I wanted anyway...found out the hard way.

My friend learned to just bite her tongue and be there when things fell apart, without judgement, without lectures, without "I told you so".

And really, that's all you can do.

Depending on how close you are, a coda no more book may be helpful, or women who love too much...but she may see that as intrusive.

and despite the book, may still make mistakes.

I had the books for many years, before finally it clicked, I woke up and said enough is enough. and decided to make changes...EVEN THEN it didn't work overnight and I STILL made mistakess.

My best friend stood by me thru everything.

Recently, I became pregnant, early into a rocky relationship...again, she could have lectured me about what a mistake I was making (everyone else was)...but she was happy for me because I was happy...she trusted my decision cuz I did.

It hurts to know that the people we love are on a self destructive path. We can bust our hump trying to change them and see what mistakes they are making and how to change it...probably to no avail...or we can keep a "safe" distance, let them make their mistakes and learn from them (maybe) and just be supportive and loving no matter what.

Remember, true friendship is unconditional, it's about acceptance....so even if she is screwing up, you should be loving her anyway...if you find you cannot, perhaps it's not a true friendship or meant to be one.

June 8, 2007
4:53 pm
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nappy
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Before I say anything here me and my girlfriend has been friends since we were 16 years old.
Me and her has been through so many things in our life time and I love her very much.
My friend is grown. She has a mind of her own and I will support her no matter what. She knows what she is doing and I know what she is doing but it is not up to me to step in and tell her anything. If she ask, I will say something. She already knows that I don't bite my tougue.
I don't want to change my friend, I love her for who she is.

The only thing that I don't want is to be watching the news and this so called man (this nut) has done some harm to her. That is common now in this day and age because the man can't handle when the woman finally get tired and she wants to leave.

Ummm....
think back to when you were going thru this...could anyone have said anything different to change you or your actions? probably not.

Well I did go through this but this was before my mother died. When she died, I really HAD to think for myself and what was in the best interest for me. Oh I had my complaints but I'm just thankful that I didn't stay in it for so long. See I recognize real early in my time what I didn't want and what I wasn't going to put up with and that was with anybody that was NOT doing me any go in my life.

See I already know that my friend is the one that have to change, it is not me and I don't have to deal with this man, she does.
I will just support her in her time.
Nappy!

June 8, 2007
5:15 pm
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glittered when he walked
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she thinks she can "change" him? Sorry, while he may be damaged goods her thinking seems misguided to me. Even if we can "change" people, should we?

June 8, 2007
5:43 pm
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courage to change
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Detachment with love

Good luck xx

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