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Gingerleigh, You have been missed...
August 11, 2003
1:44 am
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$1300 seems like a small price to pay for the 'freedom' and 'happiness' you mention so frequently.

What do you want to do? What's going to make you happy? Are you getting the 'freedom to be 'you'' from this guy? No? Well...

You don't owe him anything...so he helped you sand your floors. That was nice of him, but that's what partners do for each other. You paid his rent when he was too broke to do it. That's what partners do for each other.

"And I'm angry that all this work and patience I've shown will now be used to benefit some other woman. The next woman who waltzes into his life will be oh so impressed at how he has rebuilt his credit, how he has done the right thing by starting up a relationship with his son, picked himself up from unemployment to find a stable job..." Yep, but again, that's relationships. The previous woman before you helped 'mould' him into the guy you wanted to go out with, remember? No doubt you got some 'benefit' out of him (even if you can't see it at the moment). Everyone in our life helps us grow, but is there any use 'holding on to dead wood'?

August 11, 2003
2:55 am
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I feel so sad right now. Just so very sad. I came back from rehearsal tonight and he was waiting for me on the lawn, told me that he had some things that he wanted to say to me. I prepared myself for those daggers. A friend of his had seen me at lunch with another man, and so he told me that. He told me how much he loved me, how heart broken he was, and how he had gotten a ring before he left for Annual Training and was planning a trip for us scheduled for this weekend to propose. But why now? Why tell me these things now? It was so hard for me not to cave in, and although I cried there in the dark, I did not say "let's give it another shot". He made a good case for it without coming right out and asking, but I'm so tired of the battling, the quiet talks where we try to be so rational... he did throw a lot of things in my face, but not like I expected him to. But it still hurts, like losing your best friend. And I guess that one of the worst parts of all this is that I am the one who has to live with the decision, I can't say that someone else gave me the advice and I followed it, I had to sit up and take the power and use it, and it's uncomfortable and scary.

The way I feel right now, I think I want to take tomorrow off as a sick day.

I don't think I could ever really love someone, I'm always wanting to be independent, on my own, keeping my options open.

I want to feel a way that I have never felt... feel truly committed to someone else, and fully trust myself. I feel so horrible for his whole breakup. I told him tonight that he would be better off, because that was honestly how I felt. His response was that no, he would not be better off, but that I was better off without him. He described all of the things that he felt for me, how I challenged him to be a better person (those exact words), made him feel like anything was possible, that we had something special and pure, and yet I didn't feel that any more. I wish I could have, but I didn't.

I feel like a total failure for all of this. I keep feeling like I should recognize that this relationship is a good one, but it feels too much like settling, yet I feel so ungrateful and selfish. And I can't stop crying.

August 11, 2003
3:43 am
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Ohh Gingy...It kinda sounds like he's throwing up all these things to tug at your heart, because he KNOWS it will...and it's working isn't it?

Why tell you he was going to propose now? He's been back from his training for a while hasn't he? Why wait till now to tell you? To make you feel guilty? Because he KNOWS that you've had your heart set on marrying this guy but he's resisted, yet NOW he suddenly decides he's ready to make the committment? He's clutching at straws.

You are NOT ungrateful or selfish for this relationship not working. You are NOT ungrateful or selfish for being the one that decides it's not right. YOU are responsible for doing what is right for YOU.

**cyber hugs**

August 11, 2003
3:51 am
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Thank you Squeezles, you have no idea how much I needed to hear that!

August 11, 2003
9:45 am
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Ginger,
I totally agree with Squeezles. Why now? Because he was pulling out all the stops, trying to convince you to stay. It was just bait. Besides, it takes more than a "ring" and a proposal to make a relationship work. Alot more... you know that. Would that make him more sensitive to your needs? Would that make him more motivated? Would that make him more passionate? Okay, so you could look down at that ring while you worked and go "wow"...and then go home at night and be unhappy....it was a last ditch effort, you're too smart and too tired of the battling.
You are not selfish, you are smart. You have been in a bad relationship before and you are not stupid enough to fall for another one that does not MAKE YOU HAPPY. Geez, if it's not up to us to make sure we are happy, then who is it up to?? That's way to much trust to put into someone else.

Good relationships flow..they do not keep stumbling and falling apart and need fixing...they just flow. Little things do not turn into major upheavals, they just get resolved, and then the feelings continue to flow. I'm thinking this thing with you and bf all those months ago was never really love on your part...it was just him filling a temporary need you had..and perhaps the same goes for him.

Dont ever feel selfish for looking out for yourself...dont ever. You are too young to stay imprisoned in an unhealthy committment because you dont want to hurt him, or you're afraid you might be perceived as selfish. You are a good, good person, you will find someone who sees all the great things in and about you, and he will appreciate it and respond...just give it time. When you least expect it, it'll whack you in the face. Really...
There is NOTHING wrong with you Gin, there was just too much wrong with the "two of you"...

You did the right thing, just give it time to settle down. xo

August 11, 2003
10:15 am
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Hi Ginger,
I just wanted you to know that I feel really bad for you and know what a difficult decision that you had to make. I think it was the right one but that doesn't make it any easier. I agree with Alena and Squeezles though that he was clutching at straws trying to think of a way to hold onto you. He was playing with your heart strings because he knew that he had nothing else to stand on. I hope that you will be encouraged today and know that you followed your heart. You have been struggling with this for a while now, and it is good to finally make the break. It is also ok to cry though and grieve the loss of the relationship because he has been a big part of your life for quite a while now. ((((((((Ginger))))))))

August 11, 2003
11:29 am
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Ginger.........this too.........shall pass. He knew the strings to pluck and just like the ladies say here - he plucked 'em.

You "do" know the real truth of the matter here. Your emotions are being snagged but that's because they have been conditioned to that and it's just an old habit and track that you've been running with this guy.

Of course, if he's Ginger Savvy here, he's going to stab you some and then put some oohie gooie stuff in there to make just the right mixture to leave with you....should you ever want to return.....or just to make himself feel better by not really being honest with himself here. It's pure manipulation, plain and simple.

He's been toying with you for a long time now and you've seen it as a challenge obviously, or you wouldn't have been trying to work the rubic cube as hard as you have and then still sit here and say - I've failed.

Failed at "what" exactly? Maybe that is a real good question you should seriously answer here. Think about it. What have "you" failed at? Really nail that one down, type it out, let's see what that is really, really made of. This is one of those waspy things that just sort of floats overhead and keeps running in and out of your head, unaccounted for. Well, let's account for it, shall we? Let's "nail this one to the wall". What did you fail at?

I'm sorry, but I just about gagged over the ring and proposal thing-a-ma-bobbie. Oh pleezzzz, Dude. Can't you do better than that one? That is soooo old and overdone. Still works though, doesn't it? Like the girls said, why now? Perfect timing, wouldn't you say?

It's just the finishing on the cake if you will, the icing.....and yes, all of it was stabs. Some were sweet and some were more sour, but stabs nonetheless because look at you. He carved you up, brought you to your knees with well placed little jabs and hit you in your vulnerable spots. He knows how to make you cry, how to get at you and he did. The main point of it all? To make you doubt yourself, which is exactly what you are doing and you need to snap right out of.

I think you can love someone, Ginger, but it has to be someone who really respects your independence, sees it as a plus and not as a negative. Real love, holds you in the open hand, not the closed fist. It constantly sets you free so that you alight there because you want to - every day and every night.

Up to now you've been too busy with someone like this guy - to be available for someone like this to walk into your life, or to even notice them if they did. You've been over here in the corner with your cube thing going on.

And what's all this stuff about you challenging him to be a better person. Doesn't he ever challenge himself? And if you or someone like you isn't in his life - what then? I'll tell you what then....he goes back to being who he chooses to be.

There is something just a wee bit narcissistic about us when we want to "fix someone up" in order that they may be more pleasing and acceptable to us. People are what they are and we need to watch what that is - and just realize it - without immediately jumping in and going - OH, I can fix that, make it better and THEN you'll be more pleasing to me! Then I can accept you and then I should have earned your love, huh? Um no. There are some core intrinsic things with an individual that you just need to "see" and not try to fix up because what happens is - that fixing up thingie we do - blinds us to who they really are. And maybe that is why we do it, we "we are blinded" and then can't take the responsibility for what we have chosen to bring into our lives. Earning their love by fixing them up is just the flip side of the double whammy.

Instead of looking at who he really was, you thought you could fix it or justify it somehow, when in all reality it should have been more along the lines of......hm,m,m....he did this or did that - what do I think about that? How does that make me feel? And if he keeps doing it you go - Hm,m,m....that is a pattern of behavior here, isn't it? Too many times though, I think because of our own low self esteem for whatever reason.....we feel like we just have to "make do" with that and not say - you know, I think I'd like to have steak instead of hamburger and if that's not in the kitchen.......I think I'll pass on the hamburger...

It's just that when we see that it's not steak we try our dardest to make it look like steak or else and then we eat it, don't get satisfied, get frustrated at ourselves, them and the universe because we didn't like it and yet all the time.......we had another option. We just didn't take it. We could have been patient with ourselves and not gone into the mode of instant gratification just because something or someone was in front of us telling us what we want to hear.

There can be no more illicit contracts in your life Ginger, like tihs one. Not on this level of importance. I mean you can of course - do that, but it will majorly set you back in your life if you do.

You can have steak, sweetheart and you can garnish it with what you want and what you need instead of feeling all horrible because the hamburger didn't cut it. More than anything else, you need to discover more of who Ginger is and can be without giving out all this energy to someone else. Someone should compliment you in your life, not drain you.

I hope after you take this guilt-trip dress off and really, really realize what's truly up here with all this, you'll finally, at some point breathe deep and be peaceful inside. I know you hurt now, I know you remember good times, I know he got to you with the things he said........but I also know that Ginger has a good mind.

August 11, 2003
3:28 pm
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I wasn't expecting it to hurt so much.

I called the couple's counselor that we were seeing to tell him that I wasn't going to continue the sessions because we were breaking up, and his voice mail message back to me was that he wanted to talk to me briefly to understand what led me to this point, since likely I would take the baggage I had built up in this current relationship into any new ones that I had.

Why is it that whenever I say "I've made up my mind, this is what is best for me..." the rest of the world questions it? My opinions matter, and for once I want to speak honestly about what I feel and want without having to hide who I am. BF kept saying that he wanted me to just be me, that he knew who I really was and just wanted me to let that go, but how could he know who I really was if I wasn't showing it? Is he really that perceptive? Or am I really just that bad at hiding?

I don't really want to be at work today, I keep feeling like I'm about to cry, and I'm just not with it. BF is coming over to get his stuff at 7pm tonight, and hopefully that will be the last time that I have to see him. A shame. I hold no illusions that we could remain friends after all this. I'm forever impressed by people who break up and remain friends, but I just can't do it.

I just want to go home, crawl in bed, and pull the covers over my head. I don't want a pity pot, but I would like a nice soft fuzzy cocoon to sit in, be safe in, molt in, maybe emerge as a more mature insect, ready to live the life that I know I should be living, rather than making excuses for not doing it.

It's overwhelming though. And yes, I'm scared.

August 11, 2003
5:48 pm
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So if he knew who you were then.....alot of things would have been different on his part, Ginger. You can't escape that blinding truth. I mean you could - but why would you?

All this is sooo easy for him to say now.....it really is. For now though, just stick to your guns, get through this little "pick up ritual" and then go to bed and rest because - you've been through the mill emotionally.........you really have. You need to be real, real easy on yourself these next few days and maybe try something really radical and consider that - maybe you made a good sound assessment here and acted on it - instead of defaulting to the complete opposite of that. "kay? (smile) Self doubt here is a killer and it's baggage, the real kind that you could take with you - if you're not careful and may be - what your therapist is referring to.

August 11, 2003
9:04 pm
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Ginger,

Ya know, I find it a little annoying that this counselor thinks you have "baggage"...like this was any kind of reason for your relationship with bf not working out. I just don't buy it..sorry. Ya know, sometimes it's very simple...sometimes it's just that we don't click. For heaven's sake, there are many men out there that I dated but couldn't possibly see myself married to...did I have baggage???
Gimme a break counselor...

Ginger, you did more to make this work with bf than many married people do to save a marriage! You bent over backwards, turned yourself inside out, took medication, what else would he have you do? I know your childhood was difficult, I know the stuff about the first marriage, and the personal stuff, we all have baggage if we make it to marriage age, some a little more, some a little less. The trick is to find someone with whom you can leave the baggage sit and it's not an issue, or you can go through the baggage and work it out together. But at the very base of that relationship, there is a heartfelt, soulful, love. A feeling for one another that you can get through anything, that you WANT to get through anything, and the baggage does not take center stage.
Loving someone in spite of their baggage, that's the key.

But, anyway, aside from all that, I dont think you brought anymore "baggage" into that deal than he did, certainly not enough to sabotage any relationship. I don't think you ever really loved him as a partner, as a soul mate. You tried to...I know you tried. He's not a bad guy, he is just not for you and it is time to let it go. You will be okay..you have survived alot in the last few years and you're still here.
Get going with your music, travel, enjoy your youth.

You cant see yourselves being friends now because it's all too raw yet, too much hurt on both sides. It may happen, maybe not. It's okay. I was thinking lately that when we end a relationship, we inevitably cause ourselves pain remembering all the good times, only the good times. Well, hell, if it was so good, we wouldn't have broken up, no??

You did the right thing, you will be okay. He will be okay. It was not the future you deserve or even one you could live with...you can go to bed early and cry, tomorrow, wake up and go to work and hold your head up. Don't feel guilty...I think you did him a favor, would he want to be with someone who did not really love him?
I think you showed tremendous courage, I admire your spirit Ginger.
You'll be okay kiddo....xo

August 12, 2003
12:24 am
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Thanks ladies, I'm getting there... so we exchanged stuff tonight, and he took my little gray ghost Murphy (kitty). Murphy was his cat, Marvin is mine (the little black brat). Murphy cried and went nuts when he got put into the carrier without Marvin, and tore at the sides and ripped out most of his own claws in terror, it was so pitiful. And Marvin just kept rubbing against the carrier, and all I could do was cry. It's like they knew what was happening. Since they left, Marvin won't leave my side. I left the couch to go into the bathroom and he followed me there. BF gave me back the keepsake ring I had given him, and asked me for this little antique locket that he had given me a long time ago, he said he wanted it back because he wanted the woman that he married to have it. So I gave it to him, and after the goodbyes were said and he walked out to the car with Murphy bawling his head off, I just started to cry, just let it loose, feeling free. And then a few moments later, BF was back at the front door with the locket in his hand and set it on the table inside the door, and said "You should have this." And then he left.

So here I sit, trying to feel ok about all this stuff, one codependent cat lying half on the keyboard, the other one probably miserable out of his mind in a strange apartment, BF all cried out and me just wanting to turn it all off and wake up tomorrow with everything being OK. I know that it will be ok. It just hurts right now, and that's OK. I have allocated all of tomorrow for me to sit in my home and just be, no work, no worries, just focus on healing and being me, and feeling whatever is there.

Thanks for listening.

August 12, 2003
12:30 am
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And that is as it should be, Ginger.... You will be okay, too. You did all you could, gave 200% but have now realized - that's not what it should have been about. It just wasn't a match and that's okay. He'll find out whatever he will in life, but it's not your problem. Your life is what's in front of you now.

So take time, feel, let it all out, cocoon, explore, just "be"..... So sorry about the cat thing.....that would tear my guts out probably more than anything else. I am such a sucker for animals and their feelings, sometimes more than what I feel for people. They are so innocent and loving and loyal. A good example for us to strive to follow, huh? (smile) Just love your kitty and curl up knowing - you took some incredible strides here and it will be okay......just be very patient and loving with yourself. You've come a long, long way...just have to hand it to you. I hope "you" see that. If not now, you will.

August 12, 2003
1:06 am
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Gingerleigh,

I hope you speak French cuz I say FUCK the rest of the world if they don't understand "what brought you to this place..." You are doing what feels right for you. If you have baggage, well, that will get lost in time. Doesn't everyone eventually lose their baggage while traveling from one place to another?

Here I go on another movie kick...

I watched this flick, "Adaptation" with Nicholas Cage, Meryl Streep, and Chris Cooper. In this movie, these twin brothers are talking, Charlie and Donald. Charlie tells Donald about this time he saw Donald talking with this pretty, popular girl in school. Donald talks about how much he loved her. Charlie says "But when you walked away, she and her friends started laughing and making fun of you." And Donald says he heard her. Charlie is confused, he doesn't understand why Donald doesn't care. Donald tells Charlie "What she thought of me is her business, not mine."

When I think about that, I think that's love in its purest form. No strings attached, no expectations, no involvement, no complications--just love.

In the movie "City Slickers", this old cowboy played by Jack Palance is telling Billy Christal's character about the "love of his life". This cowboy, he says he was riding up to the bunk house of a ranch he was working, right at sundown. Says he saw a woman working in a field, she stands up straight to stretch her back, or wipe the sweat off her forehead or something. He says she had red hair, whisps of it blowing in the twilight breeze, sun behind her in that cotton dress "showin' the shape that God'd given her". Billy Christal's character, he wants to know what happened next, did they meet? did they marry? and Curly says "No." Billy says "I thought you said she was the love of your life!" And Curly says "She is."

Now, what is it that happens to us when we start using the "L" word? All of a sudden we start a balance sheet. There are debits, credits, over-drafts, interest, percentage rates. Man, it gets complicated. I kinda have this idea that I can love someone the way I want to, as long I don't staple any expectations onto it. When you get into a relationship, there has to be balance, but what does that really have to do with love? If we invest more in a relationship than our partner, is it his/her fault that they didn't invest as much? Or did we make an over-payment with the expectation that it would be matched?

This is not all about right and wrong. It's about love. Love is. What happens if we just let it be and keep on moving in our lives. Sometimes it seems like love ends up being a big fucking stop sign, a flat tire, or a big pot-hole in the road, or shit, it's a road side stand where they sell scorpions sealed in plastic for paper-weights--you get my point. I don't think love should be something we have to slam on our brakes for, it should be something we revel in, like driving too fast through a puddle and getting your car soaked, maybe soaking an on-coming car, too. Seems like love ought to be a reason to keep going, to live, to laugh, to exist, and share. So, what is this thing we keep calling love? This thing that takes it all out of us and leaves us like an empty plastic bottle on the side of the road--or worse, a plastic bottle full of someone's piss who didn't have the decency to STOP when it's legit!

I'm rambling on like Buddha on crack or something. Sorry. I just like to get way on the other side of things sometimes and take a hard look, see what I find...

I love you guys, but I ain't stoppin' fer ya unless ya gotta flat!!!

Arwen

August 12, 2003
9:00 am
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Gin,
That must have been really hard on you, I'm so sorry. Took alot of guts not to buckle under all this emotion you've been feeling. Which, in itself, speaks volumes for you, just validates it more and more, ...you did the right thing. No more second guessing, have faith in your judgements. What an instant fix it would have been to just give in to all the tears, but what a huge mistake it would have been.

You handled the "moving out" thing, now you can handle the "staying away" thing. It's the only way to go for now, he will call you know....he will find a way to keep in touch. If you want all of this NOT to be for nothing, I'd stay away from him. You're feelings are all vulnerable, and you are going to have an adjustment period.

Pamper yourself today and your cried out heart, but tomorrow, get going. Get out of the house and get going on life again. You can't sit and simmer there for too long, ya know? Your heart starts to play tricks on you and you think, hmmm, it wasn't so bad, blah, blah, blah....so get back into the music and all your likes...okay? Take it easy..big hugs...how about buying kitty another buddy?

August 12, 2003
12:04 pm
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There could be the "baggage" of hooking onto men who are emotionally unavailable fixer uppers, fixing them and then leaving them only to hook up with another fixer upper and go through the whole agonizing emotions again as well as being non commital.
He eventually seemed to want commitment and intimacy.
Its not fair to say that he was a dud and you made the right decisions. There certainly was baggage and it will be carried into the next relationship in a big way if its NOT resolved.

August 12, 2003
12:46 pm
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Good Day, Ginger!

I hope you are feeling a little rested, and a little healed. Hope you are finding yourself in motion, spiritually, and maybe in a place full of fresh air and sunshine. You have been through so much. I admire people who come to this place and share advice, but more than that I admire people who come to this place and share pain. That is what truly takes courage!

Animals are interesting. They always know, but so many people think they don't have any "soul". I'm glad your kitty was with you, asking for and offering some comfort. I'm sorry that there aren't a bundle of people close to you right now to offer the same.

I think you need a "soul massage". When I'm emotionally exhausted, all cried out but still feel like I need to cry--aching from all the chaos--I try to meditate. I imagine love like a combination of an electric current and a river. Purple is my favorite color, so I usually visualize it as some shade of purple. Powerful. Bright. Full of love energy. I imagine it flowing into me, and out of me through my fingertips, head, and toes. I imagine it like jacuzzi jets, massaging my mind and spirit, helping me relax and recover. I imagine spiritual fingers inside of my muscles and tissues, massaging all the stress and sadness away, leaving no cell untouched. Usually I end up falling asleep. When I wake up, I usually feel better. Sometimes I don't. Pain is how we know something is the matter. Sometimes we need it to draw our attention to something.

I get the feeling that you're paying attention, though, and could use a break. I hope today is a special day, just for YOU!

Sincerely,

Arwen

P.S. No worries about that "baggage". One thing at a time--if it even exists...

August 12, 2003
1:11 pm
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How did you know about the tricks that the heart will play? How did you know that I would wake up this morning with the cat lying on my head thinking that I should call BF back and say that I made a huge mistake, to bring Murphy home, and let's talk!!! Smart lady!

When I took today off, I was intending to use it as my pity party day, but I think maybe I don't need that. Maybe more what I need is a spring cleaning of the soul day. The house, believe it or not, feels more open. BF didn't have that much stuff here, but for some reason, simply the removal of his few belongings makes the place feel much, well, lighter? These thoughts of things that I want to do keep flitting in and out of my head, and so far I've accomplished squat. So maybe I'll just run myself down to the basement and throw in a load of laundry just to feel like I did something...

I really like the color purple... dark purple. The color my couch came in is "eggplant" which BF always sort of made fun of, even though it's comfy and practical and doesn't show dirt. So perhaps I should wash my soul in eggplant, eh Arwen? *giggle*

August 12, 2003
1:14 pm
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OH yeah, look at me, I said I was gonna go put some laundry in, and here I got distracted with the UPS thread... OK, I'm REALLY going to go put some in now!!!

August 12, 2003
1:49 pm
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LOOKIN' GOOD!!! Holding the line, aren't cha? Awesome! You'll wanna go back to the old stuff, you will, but it's nothing you can't resist or handle. It will come knocking and you just say - Um, don't want any, already gave till it hurt.

Got any cake coloring? Purple maybe? You could put some in your bathwater, a few bubbles and guess what? You're taking a purple bubble bath!!! um, dunno if it will color your skin purple or not though....that could be a shock in the office tom...(smile)

August 12, 2003
4:12 pm
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This day off stuff is great. It is a beautiful sunny day in Seattle, I cleaned the house a lot, I found online a new cool woodwind store which I'm going to check out on my way to drop off stuff at Goodwill, and I talked with a friend of mine who has a house on Lake Washington, and we're going to go and take a swim. Why the hell not?

August 12, 2003
4:45 pm
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Exactly !! Why the hell not?? I'll be right over, wait for me.....*smile*

August 12, 2003
10:48 pm
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I saved a spot on the dock for you, Alena. The swim was great, just what I needed. Now I'm back home, trying to transfer some of those happy vibes I felt today into the walls of this place. I may write some more later, thanks for checking on me.

August 12, 2003
11:25 pm
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So glad you went and did that!!! Awesome! More, more, more of the same! Time to just relax, kick back, take your space and your life - BACK!!

August 13, 2003
12:40 am
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Hey Gingerleigh,

I think it's extremely significant that the "energy" in your living space seemed to lighten up with BF's things out of the house. That hints at a lot of negative energy attached to him, his possessions, etc. And, girl, to be living in Seattle, feel the way you been feeling, and then have a "sunny beautiful" day today...god (or whatever ya wanna call it) is trying to tell you something. I never lived in Seattle, but visited bunches of times. Now there's a beautiful city! But too damn much drizzle!

Eggplant. Man, I don't know if it's a Japanese thing or what but my mom has a thing about eggplant. About the only thing I like about them is the color, and they are so shiny. (That would be the inner child giving you her perspective.) I, for one, think you have outstanding taste!

When I'm starting a new painting, and I want the sky to really "pop", I start with the deepest, darkest, richest blues and purples I can find first. I like being able to paint a sky that looks like it should be night, and the rest of the landscape as if the sun is just shining away. Take it all in, Gingerleigh. You've earned it! And who cares about the laundry? I've discovered that if you leave dirty clothes sitting around long enough, they grow biohazardous material and walk away...

Love,

Arwen

August 13, 2003
2:33 am
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Thanks for all the support today, ladies. It means a lot! This was one of the best days I have had in a long long time. Living honestly....

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