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GG, Strong, Loving...Ella......thanks
October 16, 2006
7:16 pm
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needtoheal
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Hi, my friends;

I just returned from my therapy session. I

did not disclose the name of this website, however, i did tell her how wonderful and grateful I feel for having people here who are empathetic... and have gone through similar experiences and can listen and support me... I want to say thank you all for inspiring me...

October 16, 2006
7:45 pm
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needtoheal
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GG--- thanks for the info about Coda meetings... I will try to go to the website later.. and I want to say thank you for thinking of me today...

I hope that you are feeling well...

love,
need 2 heal

October 16, 2006
8:39 pm
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ggfred4
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need, you are welcome...just give it a chance, there is a lot of info there. (((need)))

October 16, 2006
8:57 pm
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needtoheal
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I talked to him today.. briefly..

He said that he has not talked to me because he does not feel like arguing... He said that he does not know what he wants.. He said that if we got back together I would sometime down the road bring up the past... He said that he needs a "vacation"..He said that I have to find a "Perfect guy". He said that he honestly feels like leaving the state and going somewhere to start all over where nobody knows him at all.. He said that he will call me later..

So instead of expecting or anticipating his phone call I sent a text message that said that I think that if we tried to get back together BOTH of us would need to change.. I have to look at myself and figure out what it is that I want and need in my life.. I will give him his "vacation" and I will be on one as well...

I know that even if he were to say to me that he still wants this relationship I do not want to continue to have one with him..

I know that actions speak louder than words.. but for some reason I feel the need to explain myself..

I don't owe him anything; we do not live together nor do we have children together...

Sorry to ramble.. It is very helpful for me to get my feelings out...

I know that I have the courage to change... I have already been down that road with filing for a divorce after my husband left me .. and actually it was abandonment because if someone asks the other if they would come back, and the answer is no then that is considered to be abandonment..

Thanks again for listening...

October 16, 2006
9:20 pm
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ggfred4
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always glad to listen, okay? I agree, getting all this stuff out is great. It is a lifeline for our spirit. Take care...GG

October 16, 2006
11:14 pm
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lovinglife
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Iwillheal { : ) }

- so glad that you are feeling just a little bit better. and both you & GG are absolutely right...is does feel great to get the stuff out. That is exactly what I did in the height of my pain...wrote, wrote and wrote.

October 16, 2006
11:34 pm
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needtoheal
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HI LL....

You are a true inspiration.. You are remarkable... and I know that I will be able to get to where I want to be...
My therapist thinks that I need to go through these feelings right now.. and i know that it is ok to have feelings ...
and i know that these feelings will pass... i have been through all of this before... even worse before I had my children... I can remember those dark, dark days...
so sometimes when I feel that feeling again, it is also an inspiration for me to recognize it because I have experienced it before and somehow , someway I do what I need to do in order to feel better.

I think that my strength comes from my children,.. And I also think that is why I have been so down when they go with their father every other weekend,..

Even though that has been the norm now since I divorced, I allowed someone enter my life and fill the void and emptiness I felt..

well, i realize that having someone in my life (even if it is when I am alone without the kids, is not a good enough reason to keep that person in my life..)

It is weird because I feel so differently when I am taking care of the kids.. I feel so strong... and I know that i am great with them.. I try to give them as much emotional support as possible... especially my oldest who is able to accept himself with having Attention Deficit Disorder although I consider it to be called Attention Variability..

Anyway, I have always told him that the sooner that he knows and accepts himself the better off he will be...
Not that ADD is an excuse but his self-esteem will not be lowered if he remembers that, for example, when he cannot remember something because he was daydreaming, that is a symptom.. and will not self-talk and think that he is stupid when he cannot remember the answer...

I also have been reading the book The Emotionally Woman.. Posted some excerpts on the thread..

thank you for thinking of me....

wishing you well too

October 17, 2006
12:19 am
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lovinglife
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gosh IWH - some of what you just wrote hit home for me...it's been something like 2 months since my *last contact* and during the past few days I'm having this slight urge to do the foolish thing and make contact---I won't as I know I'll get through these feelings (caved twice during the early days- it was hell I tell ya to finally get to the point of me saying "No More Pain!" - took me 2 full months to get there)... but I think part of what I'm feeling today is that void within...though the void I’ve had forever is filling slowly w/o a man through my wellness kit of things I now do, it's still there a little...I just need to continue to have patience and that void will eventually be gone. Perhaps it's time to add something else to the kit : )...

You mentioned about the kids keeping you busy so it's a little easier until they go to their Dad's...I think it's in the stillness of our minds that it triggers something signifying that we need to fill it with chaos...it's almost like we're afraid to be alone with ourselves....hmmmm interesting just thinking about it.

These last two months have actually been great as I am getting to know me - having to laugh right now as I am finding that the person I thought I really didn't like (me) I kinda do like and its been real fun getting to know her. Strange to even be saying ANYTHING like that : ) but it's what I feel and I like it.

Your healing and recovery is a journey - enjoy the process...fall in love with your self. Sounds so silly but until we can like ourselves we will find just more of the same thing in relationships we’ve only known - misery and pain and selling ourselves short.

Glad you found your way here…you too are an inspiration. Thanks for writing tonight, it helped me!! And I'll look for the thread you started with excerpts from the book.

LL

October 17, 2006
8:58 am
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needtoheal
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thanks loving,... I agree with the fact that sometimes we cannot accept stillness with ourselves..
That is another hallmark of having ADD...
It seems that I am so accustomed to chaos that whenever I did not have the kids I needed someone to be there and this man brought more chaos to my life.. i even told him that he acts more like a child than my own children do... They are more mature and more empathetic than him (and he is in his mid30's)...

Not that when I am with my children is it that they bring chaos... Chaos meaning that it is hard to be a single mom and work ... do laundry.. cook dinner.. help with homework.. especially with a child having add and also learning disability... there is only so much that a person can do ... But the one thing that is positive about it is the fact that I accept that in me,... that I am only ONE person and that if the laundry is not done that it is ok for me to let it go... It is not like I am not doing something that is jeopardizing myself or the kids./. thanks for the post and thanks for listening

October 17, 2006
10:07 am
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StronginHim77
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needtoheal -

I can totally relate to how dfficult it is to keep up with stupid stuff like laundry when you have a child with a disability. Both of my sons have ADHD (ADD with hyperactivity, to boot) and it made life VEREE strained at times. They are now 21 and 17. Over the years, I think I grew accustomed to the chaos, created by their presence. To this day, I get overwhelmed by the sheer intensity of my older son when he stops by to visit. He is a total Drama King.

The younger son has some additional disabilities (speech, auditory impairment, motor skill impairment, etc.), so just getting him through school has been a nightmare.

Maybe we do get acclimated to the drama and the chaos? I don't know for sure, but my ex-fiance was a problem guy from the start who placed high demands on me for attention, reassurance, "fixing" things, handling the details of his life...

In short, it was like having another kid. Only larger and more selfish. He drained me dry. It was a mercy that he dumped me. Had I remained with him, I think the strain of trying to jump through all his hoops would have shortened my life span.

Glad you are here with us on these threads. The people here are definitely the greatest and it helps us all so much to share our struggles.

- Strong

October 17, 2006
10:07 am
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StronginHim77
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needtoheal -

I can totally relate to how dfficult it is to keep up with stupid stuff like laundry when you have a child with a disability. Both of my sons have ADHD (ADD with hyperactivity, to boot) and it made life VEREE strained at times. They are now 21 and 17. Over the years, I think I grew accustomed to the chaos, created by their presence. To this day, I get overwhelmed by the sheer intensity of my older son when he stops by to visit. He is a total Drama King.

The younger son has some additional disabilities (speech, auditory impairment, motor skill impairment, etc.), so just getting him through school has been a nightmare.

Maybe we do get acclimated to the drama and the chaos? I don't know for sure, but my ex-fiance was a problem guy from the start who placed high demands on me for attention, reassurance, "fixing" things, handling the details of his life...

In short, it was like having another kid. Only larger and more selfish. He drained me dry. It was a mercy that he dumped me. Had I remained with him, I think the strain of trying to jump through all his hoops would have shortened my life span.

Glad you are here with us on these threads. The people here are definitely the greatest and it helps us all so much to share our struggles.

- Strong

October 17, 2006
5:34 pm
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needtoheal
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thanks strong for sharing and identifying with how it feels ... I am so glad that I have shared with you and others on this site..

It is so true that my now ex-bf was like having another child... I can't remember if I had mentioned it to you or not but this man seemed more immature than my two sons who are only 9 and 7 years old.. This man is 36!!!
I keep thinking about that whenever I feel empty or lonely ... I think about how he treated me... and how he behaved towards me (like the night when he was here .. without my kids around.. and I turned off the Playstation and he got so angry with me because I did not save the game... Please... I had turned it off for a reason... I was telling him that the way he spoke to me was unacceptable ...and he needed to leave....)My own kids do not treat me this way --- even if I turn off the playstation without saving the game......

Did you read that when I did speak to him briefly yesterday he told me that what I needed was a "Perfect man"... and that IF we got back together again I would bring up something from the past (interesting shift of blame ... because he cannot accept the fact that he is an abuser)..
Anyway, I have been doing well... I changed my work schedule again for the end of this week when the boys go with their dad just on Friday night... so i will work 6-10pm...

It is so ironic but last night when I was getting the boys ready for bed we talked about acceptable and unacceptable behaviors.... and as you know from experience about ADD, I had to write everything down that we brainstormed and we also made a reward chart.. So if they use acceptable behavior in our home, they will get a checkmark. And if every day for one week they get check marks then they can get a reward (and I gave them choices about the types of rewards that they wanted... we brainstormed )...
This is a way of discipline that works.. (it depends on the age of the children so I had to make the rewards more appropriate).. and it also helps with self-esteem levels as well... And also I remove the reward whenever they do not bahave appropriately...
What do you think? I just have to be very consistent because that is what a child with ADD and learning disability needs....

thanks strong...

I am so glad I have connected with you and others at this site

October 17, 2006
5:48 pm
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StronginHim77
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At ages 9 & 7, you might want to give them a DAILY reward because it is very hard for kids with ADD at that age level to hold onto a goal for seven whole days. If they DO succeed in achieving 7 daily "goals," then a BIGGER, once-per-week goal could be granted.

These kids get easily discouraged and side-tracked because of their impulsivity and difficulty anticipating consequences. So, short-term goals and consequences/rewards work more successfully for them, than a long-term goal.

As they mature, you can adjust, accordingly. And be ready to change the program entirely within a short stretch of time because it will grow "old" for them rapidly. We parents of ADD kids have to become VERY creative!! I really like the whole concept, though. Definitely go for it.

October 17, 2006
5:56 pm
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needtoheal
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yeah... strong... I did not put that into the post when i was writing (I can blame that on my ADD as well)...
I do have a daily reward system for them and then if they accumulated for a week then they can get a reward of their choosing... this way they feel more confident in themselves and motivated because they are striving for something that they like and not something that was just picked out and given to them..

thanks

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