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Getting through the break-up, re-discovering myself
October 14, 2004
12:38 am
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amnesiac
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I am new to this thread as of . . . now. I thought I would share my story and see what kind of advice was brewing in the brilliant minds out there.

I have been dating a guy on and off for the past 2.5 years. I am beginning to consider that perhaps this relationship is co-dependent. I don't know a lot about co-dependency as of yet, but I am learning and starting some individual counseling to hopefully get to the bottom of this.

I know I need to get rid of this guy- when I am involved with him I begin sabotaging myself in school and isolating from friends, both of which seriously impact my self-esteem. I have broken up with him in the past, but I always go back because when I leave I find I have nothing left of my own life to go back to. Leaving him forces me to confront the problems I have created for myself in school and the relationships I have neglected or failed to pursue.

I know that the discomfort I experience is temporary, and that the initial few weeks are the hardest (detox), But I also know that if I don't set myself up for a smoother transition, I will go running back again. I am sure that I could resist the temptation to contact him and be completely firm with him if I felt that I had positive things going on in my life and that I hadn't given up my whole life by letting him go.

So, I am wondering if others have been in this situation, and how they rediscovered themselves, made it through the transition period, set themselves up for a successful 'detox', etc.

Hopefully this isn't too heavy for a first posting 🙂

October 14, 2004
12:55 am
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Freya
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Hey there Amnesiac,
It's never too heavy- we can take it. I congratulate you on seeking help with codependence. It is no easy task. You sound like you know what is best for you and that is key- that is very important on your journey to recovery.
To avoid rebounding back into the place you were in, try making changes. Do things you did before he came along, keep active and go out lots- staying home only leaves you with time to think. Go out and buy stuff you like- things that make you feel good- do stuff for you- focus on you. Remember who you were and who you want to be. Remember why you left. Stay strong in your beliefs. Take care of yourself, Freya

October 14, 2004
1:56 am
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art angel
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I agree with Freya-- and it is hard at first to concentrate on yourself when you've been focused on someone else for so long, but it's a process. My break up was 5 weeks ago and I'm still struggling, and will be for a long time... I wish you the best- you're strong and you can do it! 🙂

October 14, 2004
9:32 am
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CAMER
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spending time alone and knowing that you will survive the breakup, it just takes time, and I used to have a problem with "being by myself"...i felt so lonely, till I filled myself up with my own love for me, went to coda meetings, read coda books and most of all knew I was not ALONE, and hang out with friends. I was living a good life b4 I met the "bad boys" and I know I can live the same good life
without them!!!

October 14, 2004
10:24 am
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balancesekr
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amnesiac,
Sounds like you are pretty perceptive and clear on what you need to do. Not contacting your soon to be ex will be difficult, if somehow you can make him out to be a villian or think that there's no way possible to talk to him... something like that, it may be easier. I felt like I demolished my relationship which made it a litle easier not to contact my ex.
This will take some time, it's great you recognize the situation for what it is, go easy on yourself, just tell yourself you are taking a breather to get some perspective, things don't have to be or seem so final. Keep posting, good luck to you 🙂 balance

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