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Getting someone into AA?
July 31, 2001
7:46 pm
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Listen...
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My husband of 10 years is drinking - a lot. He's had an affair with a woman who was a friend of both of ours. Now, he's miserable at home and wants a divorce. He says there is nothing between them anymore. I think he thinks he's seen the grass is greener and wants to leave. He just keeps drinking every night. Is there any way I can get him into AA? He refuses counseling of any kind. How can I convince him of his drinking problem and get him to go in to a meeting? I think if he gets help for this he'll see he was wrong about the grass is greener.

July 31, 2001
8:04 pm
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Molly
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You can lead the horse to water and some times they just pee in the lake.
There is no way to convince some one of a drinking or drug problem. There is no way but the court system to force some one to go for treatment, besides, it just goes in one ear and out the other. What you can do is get help for you, go to Alanon, or a CODA meeting. This is a group of people that love alcoholics and drug addicts, get insight into them selves learn how to live, with or with out the elephant in the living room.
The affair, is the same as the drinking, just avoiding responsibility, medicating the pain that he doesn't want to deal with. Only he can change, only he can want to change, that is where the bottom out label comes from often people must loose their families, jobs, money and identy before they are motivated, sometimes they make the recovery, some times they make the recovery several times before it works. So, be productive work on you.

July 31, 2001
8:05 pm
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Lauren
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Dear Listen,
Plain truth is your husband will only get help when the pain to himself becomes so great that he has no other choice. (like a hospital stay)
Denial is a big part of the problem.
If you are so inclined try a support group for friends and family of substance abusers.The infomation that they provide can help you see into the future and help you make informed decisons. Professionals in substance abuse therapy are also important. I would focus on you right now if he is not interested in help. You are more important Aren't you ? This isn't your fault. Good Luck

August 1, 2001
10:37 am
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malaikau
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It's impossible for you to initiate a change in your partner. Unfortunately, he is the only one who can make such a personal decision about his life. But there is help for you, as Molly said. Alanon might be a good place to start.

Also, it's important to remember that if your partner has been drinking for 10 years, then this behavior has become an entity unto itself in your relationship. So if his drinking patterns change, it will impact your marriage in ways you never imagined. Attending meetings and taking care of you will help to prepare you for the future, regardless of what your partner decides to do with his life. . .

Best of luck to you!!!

Mal

August 1, 2001
1:41 pm
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westin
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I truly understand your frustrations, and I want you to know that the advice you've been given above is absolutely correct. And that's the saddest part of all. You can't force someone to change their ways...or to even recognize they have a problem in the first place. Just because his drinking is a problem for YOU (and others who love him, I'm sure) doesn't mean he perceives it that way. Unfortunately, it usually takes an eath shattering experience to wake someone up...to help them see they have a problem. Until HE is greatly affected in some way, the drinking will continue. Humans have a knack for seeing what they want to see, and oftentimes it takes a major disturbance in our lives to see reality. I pray he sees the need to change before it comes to that.

Definitely do some self-introspection and a reevaluation of your current living situation. Can you handle the life you're living? Are the effects of his drinking becoming too much to bear? Remember that it's not only important to try and help others, but we have to watch out for ourselves, too. Keep posting. We're here to help as much as we can.

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