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getting over the past
November 16, 2001
1:35 pm
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stressed1
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This is my first time here. I am looking for some advise. I have come to realize that my past is more or less haunting me. I am divorced from a man who cheated on me. That was 6 years ago. I have now been in a monogamas relationship for 3 years with a wonderful man. But I can not trust him. I keep waiting in to be hurt and let down. I go as far as to snoop triing to find something. I twist everything he says. He has never given me a reason not to trust him. But I can not get past the thought that it will happen again. But I know for sure that if I can not bring myself out of this state of mind that it will for sure happen. And this time it would be my fault. I want to marry this man and have a family and live "happily ever after" but that will the the intented fairy tail if I can't shake the past. Any advise???

November 16, 2001
6:24 pm
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Molly
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Controll that monkey brain. Stay focused on the present, don't read into things. Don't look for trouble, listen to what he says, and then look at the ACTION. Know his history? Was he cheating when he met you? If there is nothing there, just know its like a PSTD, that takes time to heal, and what the heck, just can't be to careful today.

November 16, 2001
6:47 pm
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Britney
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Molly, thats excellent advise. I tend to think that...once a cheater...forever a cheater no matter how narrow minded that sounds. If the person has cheated in the past (for whatever reason), I feel it's only a matter of time before they grow bored of you and do it again.

Stressed , there are no easy answers to your questions and I know how hard it is to try to trust again. I'm still working on it. Just don't let it tear you apart. Does your trust issues go back further than your relationship with your husband or is it based solely on his infidility? Sometimes the inability to trust can be a sign of low self-esteem. When my husband cheated on me, it CUT very very deeply ( thats the best way I can describe it) but I know my inability to trust stemmed from far back in my life - long before I had ever met him. His betrayal simply added fuel to the fire,so to speak. Could low self esteem be some of your problem?

November 26, 2001
2:49 pm
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stressed1
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Thanks for the advise. And Britney I think you are right. I have never really had very high self esteem. And I think some of my problems do stem further back than my ex-husband. And I am really working on listening to what my boyfriend says and triing really hard not to read anything into it. but it is very hard. He is triing to be understanding but I know I do not make things easy for him. Thanks again for your helpful advise.

November 26, 2001
6:53 pm
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deshong
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Question: Do you think that you deserve to have a man cheat on you? If so why? Also, do you really think you are ready to marry this man considering that you do not trust him? Don't get into a marriage without trust. It won't last!!

Take time for yourself, as long as possible to work through your issues. if he loves you and wants to marry you then he will feel that you are worth the wait. Also he will be mature enough himself to value marriage to want to do whatever is necessary to start a healthy, strong marriage based on true love, trust and respect.

November 26, 2001
8:06 pm
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C-Bear
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Stressed, speaking from experience I have been hurt like u & I know what u r feeling @ this point in time. My advice 2 u is 2 sit down w/ him & talk 2 him. Explain what u r going thru & how it's not his fault. Let him know that u love him & r seeking help 4 your problems. And ask him to help u as u seek help. The more open the line of communication the better chance of 1.) u healing and 2.) your present relationship working.

November 27, 2001
3:53 pm
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stressed1
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For one thing no I do not think I deserve to have a man cheat on me. At first I went through a phase where I felt I needed to prove it wasn't my fault, but I never thought I deserved it. Of course that was a long time ago and I am over that part.

If I could just get over the fear that it will happen again I will be alright.

My boyfriend does know that I have some issues I need to deal with and he completely supports me. He knows that it is not him and so far he is hanging in there. I try to talk to him about things and I know I need to be more open than what I am. I am triing though. But it scares me to death.

Thanks for the thought and advise!!

November 27, 2001
5:53 pm
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Molly
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I wonder did dad, cheat on mom? Its tough enough to get through one episode, but if you have a deep down listening for this sort of thing, its even harder to get past. Its just so hard to be in the present. Life is scarey if you look at it in fear. Try to look at it as an adventure, dont' cling to tight, and always remember, guys don't really like to go deep with this stuff, so go gentle with him and save the insecurity talk for here. He will love you for that
Guys do best when you tell them to pick up something at the store, short lists, but do have a list, and what is the score on the game honey, they usually just go darn wierd with much else especially our feelings.

November 28, 2001
10:09 am
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artist 2
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I can attest to the cheating syndrome. He even "warned" he he'd done it in the past before - but never would he chear on me of course... WRONG!!!

But, there are good men out there. Hang on to him...

November 28, 2001
10:59 am
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artist
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It's hard to "act" instead of "react".
Trust is a major issue for me. It takes a minute by minute effort for me to not defend myself from some perceived attack or slight. I always believe that I will be criticized or put down in every close relationship I've been in.
It's not the same issue as fear of a significant other cheating on you but
both are matters of trust. To see what is really going on instead of letting fear write the script is hard but the only way out of that behavior.
Keep on plugging. It's a large boat that we're all in.
Artist

November 28, 2001
1:28 pm
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stressed1
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As a matter of fact my father did cheat on my mother. And my parents have the strangest relationship I have ever seen. Living with them was a nightmare. I have always told myself that there are two things I will never put up with from a man and that is cheating and beating. I lived with it in my childhood and I will not tolerate it as an adult. I know some relationships servive infidelity, but I am not willing to give it a chance. As far as I am concerned once a cheater always a cheater. But I am determined not to let my fear of rejection and infidelity keep me from having a wonderful and loving relationship.

It has helped me tremendously to be able to air my thoughts like this. Thanks for listening.

November 29, 2001
8:00 am
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stressed1
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I had a very bad moment of weakness last night. He is out of town so I stayed at his place to take care of the animals this morning. Anyway the phone rang my son answered it and they asked for my boyfriend he told them he wasn't there and said do you want to talk to my mom. When I got on the phone they hung up it was a woman. But that was all it took for me to search his house upside down for any indication that something was not quite right. I found nothing... I was sick to my stomach. I told my boyfriend about the call. He said no body called his cell and he was not sure who it could have been. He is away on business. But I do this every time I am alone in his house. I try to find something, anything. I don't know what to do... I feel like I am losing my mind. Help!!!

November 29, 2001
1:08 pm
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Molly
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Girlfriend, you should have *69 the darn thing, lessons lessons lessons. Could have been nothing, and your driving your self nuts. Guys that cheat, know not to leave anything until they want to get caught. Shame on you bad girl for being such a snoop, but when that moment of insanity hits you and we have all been there, we go with the flow. You either are going to let go of this relationship, and get sane,and risk the future relationships, or your going to let go of your fear and get sane, and who knows maybe burned, but you can't live this way. Fear and paranoia feeds its self, if you really think he is cheating cut it loose.

November 29, 2001
1:31 pm
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stressed1
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No I do not think he is cheating on me. But you are right if I do not let go of this fear it will drive me insane. I thought of something that might help though. How do you ask someone why his "2" marriages failed??? We haven't really gone into great detail about it. All I know are what I consider to be the basics. And it has nothing to do with infidelity. But I would still like to know. Maybe he expected something from the relationship he was not getting or not giving enough to it himself. But I am not sure how to ask him.

But I do feel bad for being such a snoop, but I just could not help myself. And her number came up 'unavailable' or I would have called it back. But I will be there tonight and if it was someone looking for him maybe she will call back. But it was probably nothing.
Thanks for the feedback.

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