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Getting out of that well of dirty water . :( seems mpossible!
June 12, 2000
5:14 pm
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hi ppl .. just had these thoughts ... wanted to share..
I was in a very bad mood when I wrote this. Still it seemed so real at that time, maybe it doesn't right now, but that's because I have mood swings. Anyways I think I'll agree with it again when I come back to look at it in one of my bad moods. :

Cool ...
One spends about the first 15 years or more(!) of his/her years, getting abused in many ways, emotionally, physically or even sexually, ..... from dysfunctional parents or other people, and you could never protect yourself because you were never taught to beleive in yourself, never taught to listen to your heart, protect yourself.... and most probably it wasnt your fault !!! .

In your early, precious, maybe irreversible years, you got to learn that you were basically flawed as a person, since birth and there was something wrong with you. This was the feeling with which you grew up. You just felt this huge gaping wide hole in your soul, a never-ending emptiness ... and until you were about in your 20's or something, you could probably never think that the way you were thinking (negatively) about yourself, was wrong. And that you, somehow had to change your perception of yourself ! ...

for some lucky people, they might realize it earlier , however, its difficult to imagine that when the earliest part of life, in which you FORM the basic feelings feelings of you life, was spent in believing that you were BAD and what not , ...
its just so difficult to imagine (sorry for the broken words!), that the way you were thinking was wrong and there was another side to your perception of yourself and that it wasnt your fault that you developed this thinking ....

and there are some people who just KEEP on going like that, thinking whatever they are is ok, and then transfer the pattern to the next generation, do the same to their children what was done to them, not knowing that it wasnt right !

anyways ...luck is a factor there, so if in your 20's you look around and feel that there is something wrong with you and u finally finally decide to change, or atleast you THINK you should be some other way, and that you have to heal, the next 10 years or so are spent in healing yourself!! ...

and even THAT is not guaranteed !

And then during this time, when youre learning about yourself, youre managing your career, studies, social lives, ... and looking for a mate !! ...

looking for a mate is such an important and crucial decision, coz maybe by this time you realized that due to your unhealthy state of mind, you might not make a good choice of mate for yourself !! ...even if you did, you would probably be unable to develop intimate relations because you learnt to stay away from people! making it more difficult ...
you look back, look at your parents, family history, you realize there's been turmoil, everything's a wreck and youre fast becoming the part of that family wreckage !!

your career .... you married life ...
looks like youre trying to juggle 10 balls when you're struggling to keep the one ball in the air thats the most important of all, and thats YOU !! ... the other balls are your career, social life, marraige, children maybe, THEIR problems, your own family and so many other things ...
and you have to keep all the balls in the air! because later you dont want to regret anything ...

And so its like when youre 30 or something, you MIGHT recover by that time, you might heal ...
but its like 30 (or more??) years of your life spent in hell ?? ! ..
mental turmoil! ?

and how many years do you lfie? maybe 65, or 75?

thats just about HALF of your life, being almost wasted ! ..
and if you chose a bad mate (and it wasnt ur fault ofcourse, probably), of which there are high chances since it will be difficult to heal yourself at about 25 or 30, (or maybe even earlier! .. specially for girls who marry young) ...
yes we have the choice to heal, to turn things around, but its so difficult. we all know how long it can take and how hard it is. i.e. ofcourse assuming that you DO recover!

you spend the first quarter of your life, geting abused.
IF things go fine i.e. IF you discover that you need to heal, you spend the next 10 years trying to heal and it always seems you never get better or that its never going to away or something, this hell inside you.

it always seems so impossible that you'll ever heal ... u find urself doing the things over and again, with very little visible improvement ... and then all the crocodiles out there waiting to bite you! and bring you down! you have to protect urself from those things too! ...

your youth, the best part of your life, in which you could be enjoying life, and all its pleasures, ALL sorts of pleasures...., that youth is wasted .. rather your youth was hell for you instead of being enjoyed.
ok well you can enjoy life later too, but you've still lost your youth, right ?? the time in which you could get maximum enjoyment ...

and ... all this was NOT your fault !! ..
i mean its a big thing that you realized that you had to heal. We all know the hell that occurs when one DOESNT realize, and thus passes the poison to the next genenation.
Even if you realize, the chances of healing are still so less, cos its so difficult to climb out of the deep well of dirty water you were born in! ...
you could spent your life fearing the next rock that will fall from above, throwing you back in the dirty water ! .. and you being bruised and hurt from the fall!

the walls of the well are slippery and slimy, and these slippery walls and rocks falling from above denote all the negative factors which stop your recovery, or discourage you from trying again !!

and you cant see anything because its so dark in here ...
the walls have spikes, so your hands are bloody because of you trying to climb ! ..
you look down, thinking you've achieved, but still your reflection in the water seems so near and so haunting !

you see other people in the water, most near you are your own family members, you see some of them squirming in pain, yet pretending its all good! you see some that feel that pain, and they make an effort but they cant seem to move in the forward direction! Its like they're blinded or something!
Its so difficult to see because there are so many other things you have to manage too! and then the darkness too, because the well is so deep...

you hear voices outside the wall (that reminds of pink floyd!), voices of joy, of happiness, of freedom, of heaven, and you long so much to be able to experience all these things, but you know that its not possible right now because you have to get out of this well to experience that happiness, that wellbeing, that wholesomeness, and the feeling of joy ! the joy to live!

how did i get in this well ? No i didnt jump into! I was just in it from time zero, about since when i was born. Was it my fault? no !! i dont think so!

i wonder if i will ever be able to climb out of this well of dirty stinking water ?????

isnt life unfair ???????????

June 12, 2000
10:39 pm
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For someone who claims to be in a bad mood, you sure hit on some very profound issues. I, and many who have experienced exactly what you describe, know exactly what you are saying. The desire to stop the cycle must be so strong, that no matter the pain involved, you keep going forward. Whether fast or painstakingly slow, you continue in a forward movement towards the peace and harmony we all deserve. Thank you for your words. You will make it out of the well, as long as you continue forward, or upwards in this scenario.

June 14, 2000
11:07 pm
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i dont know what i seek my projecting myself so pitifully here, but whatever i seek, ppl please give to me, i'll be greatgful! maybe it might help, who knows?

har har ..

um.. well.. whatever..

June 15, 2000
2:29 am
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I feel dead.

June 15, 2000
7:05 pm
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At least you're still feeling...

June 15, 2000
10:52 pm
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šŸ™‚ ..

what is better? feeling bad and crappy, or feeling nothing?

June 16, 2000
12:06 am
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mayn times when i see my own posting here, i feel guilt. I feel guilty and ashamed to see my own name on the screen. Previuosly it used to hapoen that i would accept all the guilt and say "yes, i'm bad". But now i grit my teeth and fight that first thought. Then i wonder who other people who have high self-esteem have no guilt in seeing themselves in the mirror, and on paper, on screen. Ia m so far from them. Yet, atleast i do not allow myself to be drowned in the shame as i did before.

Still, its all painful, gritting my teeth and resisting my own thoughts!!

June 16, 2000
6:43 pm
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What's best is feeling, period. If you feel nothing, what state are you in?

June 17, 2000
7:24 pm
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maybe i'm numb when i'm feeling nothing. neways, hope to get over it .. !

got a big assignment to do šŸ™ !!

i hate work!!

June 17, 2000
8:01 pm
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hmm .. like right now i feel nothing ...
my mind is empty, i feel kinda funny and relaxed. i'm not obessing about anything ..

b/w .. does this makes sense: I'm obsessing about trying not to obsess!
i feel even then i'm obsessing. though i wonder if it (this obession about trying to stop myself from obsessing) will finally free me from obession?

(obsession = taking things too seriously, failing to give a damn about small things, having your mind cluttered with many thoughts. Like your inner child will be wanting to be free, but u will be kinda forcing urself to think about things .. etc)

June 18, 2000
9:36 am
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For me I had to learn to develop a filing system within, kind of like a library of sorts....I learn to seperate what seems to be confusion, chaos, good thoughts, bad thoughts, nightmares, acting out, isolation, letting things be as they are, on and on, and on, and on.......big library...old scripts, old tapes, old movies.......the point and meaning of the ability to seperate, put things, issues, whatever in proper perspective and file them accordingly within and put them on the shelf. If I need to pull the folder down to look inside , I do...If I don't it stays..Building ones own library is a good tool. The separation of issues in ones library will always be there if one has a need to pull it off the shelf to review. The good news is your able to put it back, not to mention your your own librarian. One does'nt need to be in the well of shitty water........just build a library.....

June 19, 2000
3:40 pm
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i am in a well of stinky dirty water too .I WANT OUT.....but i dont know how to get out.........

June 19, 2000
6:47 pm
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we'll be out chelzie.. hopefully..
the only thing left for us it to keep trying and trying ...

June 20, 2000
1:27 am
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damn its a bad day today for me.

June 20, 2000
9:37 pm
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I don't know if whoever began this thread will read this or not, but I hope so. I've been interested in counseling for a while so I looked up on this page to see what I could learn and came accross your message. You sound so much like me, its incredible.
Ever since I can remember I've felt like there was something wrong with me. I've always felt like people would'nt like me if they really knew me and on and on, you said pretty much my state of mind so I won't go to much into detail about my feelings.
I chose to escape all this and find confidence and self-esteem through alcohol and different drugs. When I drank I felt courage and forgot about my insecurities. I loved that feeling of freedom more than anything. But the problem with that is as soon as the alcohol wore off I would feel really bad about some of the things I'd done and alot of things, plus the physical effects of it are rough.
Anyway I've struggled with this and I know exactly how that desperate desire to be normal feels.(at least for me) But about three years ago I watched the t.v. program about God and I gave my life over to him. Incredibly enough He really lifted me above all those paralyzing feelings of fear, and shame etc. and for that I was willing to do anything.
After a couple months of incredible changes (I quit drinking and doing drugs cause when I did them they just brought me down, it was amazing)I started reading the stories in the bible cause thats the only part of it I could understand. But they were great and I got alot of faith in God and how close he was to me from reading them.
After I got done with reading the the stories I could'nt stay focused reading the other parts, so I pretty much quite reading and after a while all those feeling came back but even worse it seems at least I dealt with them more frequently and intensely. Plus alot more guilt this time. Anyway I finally came accross this work essay or something called "I'm not my fault" and I finally understood these feelings I was having to be what you've described. I realized that all my life I've tried to be someone normal or special, and that I needed to change the way I perceived myself. I needed to except myself and learn that I really could be loved.

But like you said, since I've learned that, it all has'nt just gone away, and I still struggled with it, intensely, from all these emotions I got really depressed and sunk even lower. But the good news is I gotn to talk with this pastor and he talked me through some of my emotions, and my husband has been there for me to, he had a similar experience with coming to God.
Through all of this I get glimpses of How much God really loves me and of how he accepts me like I am. That is what has really helped me so far to climb out of that dark well you described so precisely. I just had a meeting with him again today and I got an even better idea of Gods love its incredible. I am finally getting hope that life is really worth living and that I will overcome all this by getting to know God. So far this has done more than anything else.
I realize that this has all just recently happened and that there will be more to struggle through but I can see the light and life that is available to other normal people, plus I believe its even better than most people have who are controlled by their circumstances. Theres so much more I've learned but I have to go, I hope this helps you, I will pray that God shows you His love for you and the future He can give you hope in.

June 20, 2000
11:43 pm
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thanks for ur words M.B. Alas, right now i cant bring myself to beleive in god. its like my mind is filled with so many other things, i dont know what to do first. probably its the hate for the relgion i had before (which i left), that causes me to push god away from me, every time the idea comes in my mind. i guess it might just take time, and i know only i can do it. good luck to you too.

June 25, 2000
6:16 pm
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Hi, I sympathize with you so much, I wish there was more I could do for you. Do you have close friends that you can talk about all this with? It really helps to have someone know all the worst things about you and still love you. My husband is really great at listening to me when I feel down. But even my husband has days where He hurts me or is insensitive and doesnt listen to me. In the last week or so I've talked to God differently than i ever have before, and its really helped. I'll be feeling helpless like theres no hope and like Im just disgusting(I'll feel a little angry to sometimes because I feel like this should'nt be happening to me) and I'll start talking to God and just pouring out my soul to him and after I tell Him all I feel and ask Him to why and whats going on etc. the feelings have actually gone away. Its really wonderful. I understand what you mean when you say that you tend to push God away, I've felt that alot at different times. But I think the reason is because we think of him nagatively, we don't meet to many people who are'nt in it for themselves and are willing to help us no matter what it takes, yet God says in the bible that that's what He wants. And because we've never kown anyone like that its hard to relate with, and our natural reaction is to think that theres something else God wants and that He's like most everyone else we've met, but I'm learning that in'snt true. He is Love. I did this Bible study the other day about Gods love and Its incredible when you really put your mind into looking for the truth about God how refreshing and vigorating it is when you get a glimpse of what He's like. I thimk I'm starting to understand that God really is love no matter who we are He can't help but love us cause thats who He is. As I understand this I believe that it will continue to heal me, It's incredible how much God's healed me allready just through people who believe in him to and have loved me.
I used to be so fake and always try to be someone I thought people would like, but God helped me overcome that. I still struggle with it if someone openly dislikes me, I wonder what they think of me and what I do to make them not like me but I'm overcoming that to with God's help. Theres so much to hope in when we believe what God has shown us about himself in the Bible. All you have to do is in your heart invite the Lord in. Look in the Bible and read Matthew , or another of the gospels and think about all God went through in coming to give us life and hope. Heres one of my favorite verses:

"They that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength, they shall mount up with wings as eagles, they shall run and not be weary, they shall walk and not faint." Isaiah 40:31 and.. "So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed for I am your God.I will strengthen you, yes I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand." Isaiah 41:10

The bible says draw near to God and He will draw near to you.

I hope you can take hold of this and believe,If you don't think you can believe enough tell God and ask Him to show you evidence. He loves you enough to do that. Mae

June 25, 2000
11:34 pm
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thanks. i had a bad day today and dont feel like saying anything. thanks neways and good luck to you ....

June 26, 2000
8:10 am
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Guest_guest: Why do you relate the Higher Power to religion. Religion is of man: God is of the heart. I have known many people who have had bad experiences through religion, yet, when they take the Higher Power into their hearts, then and only then do they experience the Love and Light that is God. Which do you prefer, to treat others as you desire to be treated, or, do you prefer to treat others as others have treated you? Your choice. No matter what, you are loved by a Power greater than anything of man. Find peace in KNOWing that, and the well of dirty water no longer traps you...

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