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getting out of my codependent relationship
March 23, 2007
4:48 am
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gray67
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I am trying to break free of a relationship that is destroying me emotionally. I am strong and independent in all areas of my life except him. 3 years of promises broken, lies and deception. 3 years of internet porn, trying to meet women on line and old girlfriends. Everything that he has been doing just surfaced in the last few months. He had no idea I new until the other day. Now he is trying the same old lines and promises. I still talk to him and he still keeps calling. I am tring to be strong, but the truth is I am afraid. I have taken care of him for 3 years and I know nothing else. Any advise? I have tried everything. I am embarrassed, ashamed and I feel empty. Not emty enough to cut him off completely yet. I have a great job, a great support system and I just can't get away from the one bad thing that keeps dragging me down. I need to get away from this.

March 23, 2007
11:03 am
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nappy
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Glad to meet you Gray67,
It is hard at first when you realize that you are codependent. But it does get easier.
When you say that you have been taken care of him for 3 years, does that mean that he haven't worked?
And what is you afraid of since you are really taking care of yourself?
Write more so that I can understand and maybe try and help you through this process.
Nappy!

March 23, 2007
1:02 pm
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sad sack
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Dear Gray67,

I could have written the exact same thread several years ago. I was involved in a very destructive relationship but I just could not let go. I knew I had to (just as you know you must). I read several books on codependancy and they all helped but I still had trouble detaching myself completely from this toxic person. I knew I needed to separate myself completely from him (much easier said than done). But in time,I did. I wrote myself a letter expressing all the reason why I should not contact this man. I read it over daily (sometimes several times a day). When I felt the urge to contact him, I would read the letter. I also had support from others (as I see that you do as well). I would call them instead. It was so hard, but I finally did break free. I think the important thing is that you are very aware that you are in a codependent situation and you know you have to get out. You do not seem to be in denial. You say you are strong, so I know you could make a clean break. YOu deserve better than this guy. Believe that!!!! I am new to this site, but have found it immensely helpful. THe advice that you receive here is incredible. Keep coming to the boards and I guarantee that you will receive tremendous insights. Codependency is such a common issue. I am sooooo much better than I used to be (in this regard). I no longer try to fix or help partners. That is no longer my role in a relationship. SO read some books, stay on the boards and seek out the support of others. You can definitely get away from this man. If I could do it so can you. I was so hooked.

March 23, 2007
1:23 pm
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nappy
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Just rely on the fact that promises should be made to be honored, and patterns are made to be repeated. If he wasn't there in the past, don't give him a chance to let you down in the future.

Don't let him take you for a ride and don't be fooled the next time around. He knows what he is doing that is why after he realize that you don't want it anymore, he will try everything in his power to gain that back. So if you are strong, then that is where your strength should come in at.

Sometimes we need to really listen to what our gut is telling us.

And sometimes, not all the time with some peoples that once you realize what codependent is and you realize that you can get help, you will feel a sense of freedom and not feel trap with your feeling anymore. And then sometimes when you look at that person again, you will realize that you went through that pain for a reason and that will only make your life better and you more stronger as a person because then you will know what you want out of life and what you don't want out of life.

He will call you because he have to see how far your hurt is for him and if he feel that he have a chance into getting back what he had, then he will try any and everything to get back to what he had. He already knows what he is doing, he thinks that you are the one that is weak because he feel that you need him.

They make promises to regained your trust from the last letdown, and like I have said before it's just a matter of time before you start to have flashback to old hurts and destructive behavior again.

It is really up to you and your choice of what you want to put up with or not. It seem like you already know the answers, you just need to go with what you feel and don't look back on the past, just try and look toward the future.
Have a bless day!
Nappy

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