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Getting on with my life
October 22, 2001
4:48 pm
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onceagain
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Hello everyone,
I am new to this site, I am just looking for advice and comfort. I have gone through therepy, used anti-depressants and still can't get over the loser who ruined my life and I continue to let him do it. We have two small children and he left me over a year ago. He is an alcoholic and drug abuser, but currently he says he is sober. He is on antibuse. He has just informed me that he is very happy with a new women and she has a child which he is helping her raise. I am so angry that he can get on with his life and I can't. I gave up seven years of my life on him, only for him to leave me when things started going good for him I just turned forty, and this is not where I wanted to be. Especially since I raised my older children for tweleve years by myself. They are now all in college. I am alone again. Raising children alone, again, becasue I beleived in him and tried to help him...4 DUI's later. He left me. How do I go forward. Thank you

October 22, 2001
5:06 pm
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Ladeska
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Well....you go forward by reading....the fine print that you, yourself "wrote". Fine print that says - I selected you....I knew that you weren't quite up to speed here, but that's okay because - I can fix you, I can bend over backwards and pull my weight and yours, too. That's okay though, because in the end - you'll owe be BIG...and I aim to collect.

Well, you made a contract, but it backfired. He didn't pay up, you didn't fix him, and here you are.........bitter and angry.

We, women - do this crazy thing - all the time. Amazes me. We partner up with someone who never was going to carry their weight, never wanted to, we figure if we do all this - they'll love us for it, reward us, be forever in out debt, yada, yada. Not.

It doesn't happen like that. Look around you. And if we refuse to see our part in it and do something about it then, we have ourselves to blame for what we set ourselves up for. Just all depends on - once we see it - will we really Own It? Good question and I pose it to you.

There is no return in being a martyr. We give, they take, we get bitter about it, they marry someone younger.

It's time we started owning our stuff as women in this country and THEN turning the tables on everyone tbat we're dragging around on our tit and start having healthy lives and relationships as a result of it. We don't change people, but we can change ourselves.

We don't do our kids any favors either by teaching our sons that "women just do this" and our daughters - "this is the way it is", smile and nod...live hoping for the fairy tale for 20 years and then live the next 30 being angry it didn't happen.

And nowhere is it written that we will be "bad" if we have boundaries and whoever does say that crap needs to be excommunicated from your life, like yesterday, no discussion about it either. "Get with "my healthy program" or get out of my way."

We don't have to be ballbusters about it. Being firm, doesn't necessarily mean - being nasty. But, claiming one's personhood at any time - means courage and strength that does not move. Spoiled people around us won't like it much. Oh darn.

The one good thing about this life is - we can change sooo many things, but so many get paralyzed when in all reality - there are no chains, but the ones in our head.

Moving mountains is really no big deal, however....living under them - IS. True Grit, girlfriend....dig down deep and come up with it.

October 22, 2001
5:49 pm
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onceagain
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How do you get to that point and stop feeling sorry for yourself? I want to be that strong, especially for my children, and myself too.

October 22, 2001
8:07 pm
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pill
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Ladeska, you tell it the way it is. You are the mother of these posts!

October 22, 2001
8:43 pm
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SusieMcG
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Yeah, Pill, I agree...Thanks Mom, I mean Ladeska. You sure hit MY nail on the head!

Once Again...You asked how you stop feeling sorry for yourself. You just do, and no one else can do it for you. No can make it easy for you either. Get mad and get strong, read the right books, listen to Ladeska and Molly and others in these threads, and make the conscious decision not to be a martyr anymore. But expect it to be a daily struggle for a while. It doesn't come easy. Old habits are hard to break. But like Ladeska said, the only chains are in our head. We can do it. Every day is another chance to start over.

I've read other threads where people said "Whatever you focus on becomes larger." That is so true. So don't focus on the past or him. Don't talk about him to your friends. Don't think about him. Whenever he pops into your head, throw him out. If someone else brings him up as a subject, change the subject. That's what I did, and do.

You said it all in your second sentence of your first post. You said "and I continue to let him do it." Only you can stop it.

I've been there, done that. Put a period at the end of that sentence and start a new paragraph. Decide you are going to be BETTER because he left and you will be. I promise you.

October 22, 2001
8:49 pm
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Alena
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Find pride in yourself, make a list of all the things you have done, what you want to do, all that you want to accomplish. Take a look around at what you have. 2 healthy young children? And grown children whom you have reared well enough to be in college. I'll bet if you do this, you will find that you have not lost much.

You don't need him, you've done this all before without him or anyone else right? You may find someone else, you may not. You may find that you don't ever want to have to depend on anyone again because you can depend on YOU.
You have everything inside of you right now to move on. You hold your head up and take one step at a time.
You talk to us, we can support you.

Forty is still young Onceagain, you may not realize it now because of your little ones. Get out into the world, work, take time to play, find laughter in the kids. Pamper yourself once in a while, you'll be okay.
You need to rediscover you.

October 22, 2001
11:04 pm
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onceagain
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You are all right, put an end to the sentence. What is done is done and I can't change this. I am sure my family and friends are tired of hearting about this mess. It gets so old. I just want the pain to go away and get on with my life. Thank you to all of you. I do have so much to be greatful for. I will be in NYC tommorow and I am going to make it a point to go to ground zero. I lost my job because of this but I am still breathing. And I have my children

October 23, 2001
8:01 am
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Alena
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That's the spirit.....one day at a time.
Dont forget to call on those kiddos and family and friends for just an occasional hug...and smile, it's hard to cry when you're smiling. (smile)

I imagine there is no better place to see your blessings more vividly than Ground Zero. Good luck, stay in touch.

October 23, 2001
11:50 am
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Ladeska
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Susie - hope the nail wasn't attached to your head! OUch! You can call me Mom, don't mind. Rather used to it. Have so many "children" feel like Old Mother Hubbard and her shoe!! (smile)

I just love it when people chime in like this and rally for one another. Nothing makes me smile more than to see all this. We all have our strengths and nothing like talking from them to someone else who is feeling oh so weak and confused. Strength is most always forged from the pain of experience.

Pill and Alena - you guys have so much to share and I just want to say how much I appreciate you and "your realness" and your dedication to these boards - helping where you can.

More than anything I think people just appreciate "realness" so much. That's what they are looking for and so rarely find it - in their own intimate circles for whatever reasons...

Sometimes....strangers can nurture us better than - those who are supposed to be there for us. Interesting concept, huh?

To all of us here - I just lift a glass and say - "we're okay"... Affirmation and Inspiration are two things I really want everyone that reads this to "thing about" and how you can incorporate these two things into your daily life. What affirms you, inspires you? Who and what do this for you? Whatever you can put on that list - go towards....

Yes, we need to keep the mirror of introspection ever before us and examine ourselves, our motives, our egos - constantly. But, in a way that constructs - not in a way that destroys. By the same token - we need to strike balance in the ways of - what nourishes us, makes us feel alive and how do we pass that onto other people? How do we learn to listen - not only to ourselves, but to truly listen to others and how do we really "affirm and inspire" someone? When we know how to do that within ourselves - we will be able to do that for others.

If we could lock onto this one thing - our marriages, our families, our own physical, emotional, spiritual and mental health - would be so much better.

I don't think we realize how much we feed on - the negative. Especially now with all the terrorism. Hell, terrorism - has always been with us, it's just blown up on the screen in front of our noses now. How do we fight that? With our strengths. We turn the table on all that - by counteracting what is coming at us - with what truly gives us life. And whatever that is - is what we need to run up the flag pole....everyday. We can all be "heroes" in our daily walk....even if - we are being a hero to ourself and on our own behalf. It starts there...and moves outward.

October 23, 2001
1:22 pm
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Ladeska
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Onceagain....what we truly have...is "this present moment". That is all. When a person truly connects with this truth - their whole life changes. Some things and some people just have to be dropped in our lives because they are toxic to us. And.....we can be toxic to ourselves with our denial and wanting to blame choices we make - on other people.

So, you need to square off with yourself here, learn from your past and really "live in your present". Life is fragile, it doesn't last very long and we need to cut everything away from us that - keeps us from truly growing and that may mean cutting our own arm off sometimes if it keeps getting in the way! (smile)

Don't look back - move forward and learn how to dance again. If you never learned before - then it's time you learned now. yes, I mean it in a physical sense as well as - in an emotional and spiritual sense. What we do with our bodies - translates inward and vice versa.

October 24, 2001
3:01 pm
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Molly
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Once again, the way you get over it, is to release the anger, it will always hold you back, and I believe the underlying cause of illness. Ok, so we have to admit that we did it, we allowed it, and ya know what he would have done it to anyone, you were just the hostage for seven years, and now he has a new hostage. Turn that anger into compassion, it sure helped me, I took ownership of the fact that it was my choice. At least you do have your freedom, and children, your stregnth will grow, as you let go of that anger that is churning. Trust the process.
Saw that new Drew Barrymore movie, it was something that I think most could wait to rent, but there was a line in there, that I am sure Penny Marshall made sure we girls and women all got, there was a scene where she takes controll tries to help him, and he disappears, most married to drug addicts and alcoholics will relate, he says he just needed a little bit, to get by, he can never just quit, but she says, I understand that you can't, and I accept what you will cost our family, but if I allow you to continue, it is what I cost the family, and let him leave. Where was that movie 20 years ago?????????????? But it is out there now, and an inspiration for women who are in these situations, not the easiest route, but do able.
Have faith in your self, have love for your self, forgive your self.

October 26, 2001
7:18 pm
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blueyes_co
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Thank you to all of you for your words of hope and insperation. I wil continue on for myself, number one and my children.. NYC was such an enlightening experience, I am off my pity pot once and for all. I was on the Ianlya show, CBS, that was also an eye opener, if anyone has an opportunity to watch her, she is a beautiful person, not just on T.V. She shoots from the hip with booth barrels. Whats funny about that, she has given me the advice that all my dear firends and family have given me, but did it take me breaking down on National T.V. to finaly realize it. Thanks again, I will continue to reflect on my feelings, dreams and my family.
Blue eyes

October 27, 2001
11:45 pm
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blueyes_co
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Blondie,
I live in Colorado, and was working for United until this event of September 11, I was furloughed (nice way of saying "see ya") on September 18. But I AM STILL BREATHING, I am not sure on the air date, they will contact me after the editing. They said maybe this week. She made me cry, but she made me feel great about my accomplishments... I HAVE THREE CHILDREN IN COLLEGE...anyway, everyone here has been fantastic, the rest is up to me, thx for listening.

October 28, 2001
7:45 pm
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alcaustin
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hello everyone, i am new to this site,
i am a 20 year old male from ohio.
on sept 4th of 2001 my gf and me broke up..we would of had our 1.5 year anniversary on sept 21st..we didnt' break up mad at each other..things just were not the same..
here is a problem..i have not got over her yet.. AT ALL..i didn't always show my love for her the way i wanted to because i was scared, she was only my second gf..my first one lasted 8 months. that one was easy to get over with..this girl her name is andrea..i have not stopped thinking about her..i wake up and think about her..i get free time i think about her...before i go to bed i think about her..i realized now (since our breakup) how much she meant to me..i could honestly say that i would die for this girl and i could honestly say that i want to marry her...since our break up i have gone through major depression and everything..at one point i lost about 15 lbs...and i was lacking sleep..i finally got straigtend up but then when i would talk to her i always said something to mess things up.... suicide has crossed my mind a few times... everday my love for her grows stronger and stronger..and i can no longer deal with it.. what should i do??
i want her back.. i need her because i love her...and can honestly say that i want to marry her..
please someone help me.. email me at [email protected] if u want to

October 28, 2001
9:45 pm
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blueyes_co
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Okay I just realized that I have been using two names, sorry everyone. I am onceagain (started out that way) and then went to blueyes_Co, because that is my address on "changing relationships" (thats were I heard about you wonderful people)Wow, I can actually laugh about this now. I will stick to blueyes_Co becasue I like that better, onceagain was me...thanks again...Have a great week

October 30, 2001
10:39 am
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onceagain
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Hey Blondie
I have always worked at the airports, prioir to United I was with Hertz for 18 years. I recently went back to Hertz to seek re-employement, guess what, I am not quailified for the positions that I applied for, what does that tell you? Why can't they just say we don't want you back. I was in management for the last 11 years with them,I wonder who I pissed off. As far as flying, I wouldn't ever give that up. I know we, as a nation are skeptical, frightened, but our lives have to continue. I will go back to the airlines, when they are back to normal, which could be years. I am still young, so I hope it doesn't take too long. Have a great week, I still don't have an air date on the show yet..

October 30, 2001
7:15 pm
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onceagain
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Hey Blondie
You have pretty much been through it all and survived. I have never had any experiences like you mentioned. Maybe thats why I love to fly. Prior to the airline, I was with Hertz and was provied with a vehicle because of my position. I had more bad luck with New Fords than any other vehcile I drove...nightmare, being stranded in the middle of Utah in a new Explorer, having the brakes go out in a Windstar in Kansas, lovely, but at least I can laugh about that.

Blondie, thanks for your insperation on my situation, it is getting easier every day getting over him. I still go through the emotion and depression, especially when I think about the good times that we had, I still can't beleive that he is going to raise someone elses child, when he promised he would never leave us. He knew that I had raised the three oldest by myself and how hard I struggled. Do you think he has a remorseful bone in his body. I just want to be happy. I know I CAN BEAT THIS. Thanks again, everyone

November 1, 2001
12:56 pm
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onceagain
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Hello everyone, the show aired yesterday, and they aired the majority of the segments. I need to loose weight!!! lol. What an experience. I taped it so I can re-live the feeling of success and godness that Ianlya is known for. I am okay. Take care. I know I will be posting soon.
Francine

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