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Getting MAD and it's finally ok
March 1, 2005
7:51 am
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kc30
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Yeah, I'm mad...THAT mad. My idiot of a soon to be (God willing) ex-husband actually had the nerve to call me- his pregnant wife at home with our children- this morning from his mistress's house! Didn't even bother to block the number.

So, for a year now, I've been trying to "take the higher path" and "not let anger control me". In doing so, I've let myself be walked all over- can you believe I actually cared what this man thought of me? That if I got mad at him, it would somehow make things worse?

I wanted to be "nice" and morally superior so I stuffed my anger and he just continued to walk all over me.

Can you say NO MORE! I've been giving it to him every chance I get...every time he does something that hurts me, upsets me or angers me, I call him out on it. And you know what? It feels DAMN good.

They say in recovery not to hold onto anger and bitterness or use it to hurt other people, but I think I took that wrong, and decided to stuff those feelings. Now, I'm just going to let them ride until they wear me/themselves out. Maybe then they'll stop resurfacing and I'll finally get over this mess, and be happy again.

Funny thing is, every time I call him out on his behaviour, I feel strangely empowered and it's easier to let the anger go.

Can't imagine I would want to be this way forever- it's exhausting, but I'm finally giving myself permission to GET THAT MAD. I'm entitled. this prick has done me wrong in the worst of ways. It seems like it's about time I got mad.

Grrrrrrrr.......hell hath no fury like a woman scorned!! 🙂

March 1, 2005
8:24 am
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readyforachange
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kc,

It is okay to get mad! It's what finally got me to stand up and say, "I'm not going to take this anymore!" My STBX pulled all kinds of crap, and I finally realized it was all part of his "game". Most of the things he did were to get a reaction out of me, because getting the reaction was the prize for him, the purpose of the game. Maybe, just maybe, he wants you to react. I mean, why wouldn't he block the number? He had to know you knew the kids were not with him....

I learned that reacting is what they feed off of....so I learned not to react. Most things I just blew off, other things I got pissed about and let that anger out in another way without giving him the satisfaction of seeing me melt down. But, other times, I would just calmly respond to his actions.

He bought a dog, and let it run wild in the house, and I didn't go crazy. I simply bought a dog house, put the damn thing outside, and let go of the anger. Later, after he moved out, I sent him the bills for the damage the dog had done. He refused to pay them for a long time, but now it is a part of the divorce settlement that he pay me.

He broke down my front door, I simply had it fixed, sent him the bill and filed a restraining order. I'm sure he was waiting for a crazed lunatic to call him and scream and yell and rant and rave, but I didn't give him that satisfaction.

I think the biggest part of not REACTING the way they want you to is to DETACH....it's so much easier to not give a damn about their silly games when you've moved on....and aren't attached emotionally.

So, it sounds like you are on your way! Stay angry, be mad....but be careful. Don't give him the satisfaction of a reaction. Just stay calm. It really pisses them off!

March 1, 2005
8:48 am
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kc30
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hey ready...
thanks for the post. I'm having a hard time not reacting. I'm a classic feeling stuffer...and it seems I'm just now really starting to feel everything- every hurt, slight. I thought once that I had moved past the "reacting" stage into the "I don't care" part, but now WHAM- I'm back here again.

I've spent a year not giving him a reaction, but when I would finally blow- LOOK OUT! There must be a balance in here for me...sigh...

Now, I just fire off smart-ass emails and it seems that the anger fades away after that. Guess the goal is to not even need to do that?

Tricky stuff- I want him to hurt like me. One step forward, two steps back, it seems- frustrating....

March 1, 2005
11:53 am
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readyforachange
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You're getting there, girl....hang in there. It's a long road.

The smart ass emails are a good outlet for you, but they are a reaction. They let him have the upper hand. See, I got a reaction from the crazy woman....what fun.

I send very business like emails to my STBX.

"I would appreciate it in the future if you would notify me before having any utilities disconnected at my house. I realize that they are in your name, and I am taking care of changing them to my name as soon as I can. Thank you very much."

"In the future, if you are going to close joint back accounts, I would appreciate it if you would notify me first. Thank you."

It drives him CRAZY! He doesn't get the reaction, I'm calm, cool and collected, and he realizes he can't get under my skin any more. And, more than anything, my children see him as the total ASS that he is, and I look like the calm, stable person they want to be with.

You'll get there....find another outlet for that anger. You do have to let it out, that's for sure. Just choose the outlet carefully.

March 1, 2005
12:00 pm
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kc30
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Thanks- that's good advice. My approach has been far more sarcastic and judgemental...

"your utter and complete lack of respect, morality and integrity never ceases to amaze. You're a real class act"

Better than what I wanted to say which was "you dirty, disgusting adultering pig you make me fucking sick don't ever call me from that whore's house again!" I'll save those outbursts for this board.

My hope is that by addressing the issue immediately, it will prevent me from blowing my stack. he loves it when I do that...look how irrational she is!

He is a pig.

March 1, 2005
12:33 pm
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eve
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Congrats on finding your MAD. It seems that you need it for now - make prudent use of it, and then let go. No use to try and stuff the anger when its too much. Its almost like telling a boiling kettle to *keep cool*

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