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getting in touch with the child within
May 17, 2000
6:53 pm
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Frieda.

You asked, "The emotion is the innate response, the feeling is what we do with that response? Is that it?"

My understanding is that emotions are innate; but … the ‘emotionally’ and ‘cognitively’ memorised triggers are learnt. Both are physically separate memory systems. It is these triggers and the associated emotional threshold that we can learn to ‘control’. ‘Eradication’ of emotional memory is another story altogether.

Feelings are our conscious awareness of these emotional states of our body. If I ‘feel’ anger, I am ‘feeling’ my body preparing all systems for a ‘fight’ response of some kind. The fight might just take the form of a war of words, but none the less my heart rate will quicken and muscles tense in a primitive readiness to do physical combat. When I ‘feel’ angry, my body’s response is what I ‘feel’.

So it is with other types of feelings. Different feelings involve different emotional arousal states. Sexual arousal, for example, might involve some fear arousal combined with the arousal of our reproductive organs. Sexual stimulation can involve the triggering into recall our earliest childhood emotional memories of the secure intimacy on our ‘moms’ breast. Our emotions can be quite complex.

As Spirit pointed out, our feelings can vary quite markedly over a very short period of time. In total, we can have an almost infinite variation in the number of ‘feelings’ that we have. Our language has made a valiant attempt to deal with such diversity by allocating so many words that describe different ‘feelings’ to our vocabulary. But are all ‘feelings’ of anger the same? Feelings of anger can vary from being feeling slightly ‘miffed’ to outright ‘blind’ rage.

Feelings are our awareness of the state of our combined bodily arousal systems; that is, feelings are our awareness of our emotions. It is a fact that we are not aware of all of our emotions. A lot of emotional processes and arousal can occurs below the level of our conscious awareness. A lot of people even shut down their feelings. This means that they refuse to be aware of, acknowledge and feel some of their emotions. But… they still have emotional responses just the same.

You asked, "Where does thinking come in?" Well… thinking (cognition) is a higher brain activity that involves a much slower secondary assessment of our emotional response. Our thoughts about the trigger determine whether we maintain the emotional arousal state or shut it down. Given that the ‘threat’ does not completely overload the fear response emotional system, for example, cognitions can determine which response we give. Take for example some one pulls us over for speeding. We would have a very different response to that person if he/she were not a policeman. Cognitions can assess the ‘power’ of our antagonist and likely outcomes of different responses. Emotional processing is ‘quick and dirty’; cognitive processing is ‘slow and sophisticated’.

When it comes to feeling good, I do not think we can ‘bludgeon’ the emotions into ‘toeing the line’. We, the ‘thinking’ self, can only reassure and nurture our emotions - the emotional self - into low arousal levels by ‘reality checking’ whether threats really exist or are only re-triggered emotions from the long past when we were truly very needy and vulnerable as a child.

Childish emotionally driven security demands being made in adulthood usually have this process of emotional recall driving them. For example, is an urge for repetitive sexual intercourse really driven by the need to reproduce or am I really seeking to satisfy the need to feel the recall of the emotion experienced when in intimate bodily contact with my mom. Am I seeking to meet insatiable security needs driven by emotional memory recall. Its probably the same thing with ‘gluttony’. Is it nourishment that we really crave in a ‘pigout’ or to recapture the feelings that we had when mom lavished ‘nurture’ (love) on us when feeding us as children?

I think that understanding the self, our thinking and our emotional processes, is not only a good way bring about effective self-management. (a buzz word 🙂 ) but also a necessary requirement for meeting our ‘real’ needs - not ‘misrepresented’ ones like the example of excessive sexual needs and ‘pigouts’given above. Amen 🙂

May 17, 2000
7:05 pm
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Guest-guest.

You said, "Now, i've become better in receiving criticism, in the way, that i'm often able to laugh at it." Wow! That is quite an achievement, mate. It’s a sign of maturity and wisdom developing at a fast rate.

Criticism is only another person’s opinion of your intentions and/or behaviour. It may or may not be based on fact. It is often a projection of what they don’t like within themselves. It is sometimes a form of denial or some other emotionally driven behaviour.

Being able to not take ourselves too seriously and laugh at our ‘foible’ is a very liberating experience. Like you, I am driven to discover ‘how things work’. I was that way as a tiny infant. My mother took a photo of me at one and a half years of age trying for hours to get an old partly dismantled camera apart. Now I do that same thing with the human psyche with just as little success .:-) I used to obsess about succeeding and was devastated by failure. Today, I take life far less seriously. My obsessing, when I occasionally revert, is all about fear of abandonment and not surviving; a fear of non-existence. 🙂

The cosmos got along quite well well before I was born and I am quite sure that it will continue quite well after my demise. So why should I think that I am that important that I should always be concerned about my welfare? ‘Life is what happens while I am planning something else’ - John Lennon, I think.

About sexually abused partners, you asked, "How to crack their cages? and teach them to love their partners back ?" There is a saying that ‘even animals respond to love’. My answer to such a question is to love them. It is easy to love the lovable. But very hard to love the unlovable. Love conquers all. The big question is "how do we love the unlovable?". Most of us give ‘love’ in order that… When we give 'love' with expectations of a return amd we don’t get the response that we want back, we sometimes think "Well, F… YOU!" 🙂 That’s merchant ‘love’. Tit for tat. Excuse the pun. I think that we need to "crack" our own "cages" first.

Besides, can you "teach" anyone to love? I suspect that all one can do is give love. I suspect it is in the giving that we receive the reward, even if that love is not reciprocated. Someone said something like that 2000 years ago, didn’t they? 🙂 But somehow, self-seeking behaviour is never very rewarding. Someone once said that "we cannot seek hapiness; happiness is a by-product to right living." I wish I’d said that. 🙂

Guest-guest, amongst your many good points, your honesty and obvious desire to seek the ‘truth’ stands out. This attribute - if no other - will stand you in good stead in your life. Little Willie Shakespeare once said, "To thine own self, be true." And... someone else said, "Seek and ye shall find, knock and the door shall be opened unto you." Who said that!!! 🙂 And I ain't even a Christian.

All the best, mate! I'd give you a big macho slap on the back if I were there. 🙂

May 17, 2000
7:13 pm
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Spirit.

Thanks for your excellent response. You communicate much more effectively than I.

I erroneously presume that everyone can understand my phraseology and my intent from my choice of words. Sob 😉 I think that I am trying to get better at it though. Others may have a different opinion, though. 🙂

I think that my overly 'cognitive' responses can 'push buttons' and can, at times, trigger negative emotional responses in the reader.(patronising, I think its called) I do not do this intentionally. And I try hard to avoid this by rewriting my words before cutting and pasting my responses from my word processor. But... alas, I often fail. Mea culpa, mea culpa 🙂

May 17, 2000
9:59 pm
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🙂 .. thanks tez ..
and good luck to you too !

May 19, 2000
12:07 pm
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Tez-
Would you read "appropriate spontaneous authentic emotions" thread? I'd love your take on it...

May 19, 2000
7:21 pm
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Frieda.

Where is that thread? There are so many these days. Once there were a managable few.

May 19, 2000
11:15 pm
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I looked it up. It's 18 April. G'day!

May 21, 2000
2:24 pm
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my whole world is falling apart. I think i couldnt be worse. I think everyone else is doing great and i'm the only one whos pathetic. This is so ..... shitty .....
Nothing seems to work! ..
yesterday i was feeling good in the afternoon, but it was only for a short time. My mood went tumbling down since last night and in the morning i was feeling so crappy. I see other people and i see them with envy, they can do it so easily, enjoy everything, and what not. And here am i with MY bag of problems, depression, feelings of hopelessness. WHy does God do this? (i.e. is he IS there..)
i wish i was god then i would put him in my postion, maybe he would know how i'm feeling. I feel so hopeless, terrible, and a big loser. I wonder if it will ever work for me that way i've always wished for. It just seems downhill always. I'm going to read brad shaw's homecoming, i wonder if it will help. People say a lot of nice things about it on the net.

shit ....

May 21, 2000
5:35 pm
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Guest-guest.

You said, "...I see other people and i see them with envy, they can do it so easily, enjoy everything, and what not..."

Appearances are very deceptive. Only the very few are so 'together' that they 'get it easy'. A lot of people tend to put up a facade that they think will be acceptable to others. When you peek behind that facade, as I have a habit of doing, you generally find frightened and insecure little boys and girls who crave to be seen for who they really are and who want to be accepted 'warts and all' Most people want to be needed, wanted and loved.

Yesterday, I was talking with a guy who runs an electronic dance music business. He is very successful at it and is a 'showman' extraordinaire. Yesterday, he was riding 'incognito' on a bikers charity ride with me for a leukemia foundation benefit;300 motorcycles took part. He 'confessed' that he would hate to live his life over again. I was quite surprised. Despite outward appearances he is very unhappy.

The girl that I had on my bike as a pillion rider was a very attractive and bubbly blonde. My mates gave me heaps. After some warm interchanges, I learnt that she had lost her young son to leukemia four years ago and her husband ran off with another woman a couple of weeks after she found out about her son's diagnosis. She was in a lot of pain yesterday, yet from all outward appearances she looked very happy. For a short time, my bike and I helped take her mind off her problems.

Guest-guest, you said, "...here am i with MY bag of problems, depression, feelings of hopelessness..."

If I want to be feel good and not bad, I sure as hell better understand what drives my feelings and how to control them.

Where do you think feelings come from? What is it that makes you feel good and bad, do you think?

May 21, 2000
6:35 pm
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nice ..
i wish i could control my feelings.
well, i had a relationship with a girl, she liked me so much at one time. she's a nice girl, very sweet and soft-hearted. i havent met her in real life but talked to her on the phone. From the culture i come from and from family i've come from (and thus how i grew up) i was shy, always have been. so i never came in touch with girls. But this was the first time someone liked me and i also liked her. we had so many things in common, even our backgrounds, way of thinking, personalities, views of life, whats important, whats not. she wanted in life what i wanted. At times i felt it couldnt be better. And at times i would think its just too good to be true, there must be something wrong. Its just in the sub-consious so no matter how much u tell me, i'll still be the same and not be able to control my feeling. At times when she would come near me, i think very often i wouldnt accept it, and think maybe 'i dont deserve this'. 'this cant be true'. 'There must be some OTHER reason why she likes me'. and i would then blame myself for thinking like this, and then my mood would plummet and i would tell her we cant go on, theres some problem with me, i've got to get right first etc.etc.

but she would say she understood, she also felt like me sometimes and we could still be friends. It was great, because previously every girl (and they were few which i had tried conencting with) would dump me (i only chatted and always felt shy to approach someone in real life. most probably i just felt so crappy about myself and then my cultural taboos too), because previously i would pretend that i'm 'superman' and not show my vulnerability. I saw John bradshaw's interview somewhere. He said to get close to people we have to let our vulnerabilites be visible to people, but at appropriate times (not lay it out on the table to be victimized, as he said)

This was the first time i was honest and i told her in the beggining that it would not work out because i was like this. But she always said she also felt like this (she has had a somewhat similiar childhood like mine, sort of troubled. She still faces problems due to those things in her earlier life). it was abuse, but of a diffrent kind.

It was good, but she's better than me. I would try to race in the relationship many times. it would happen mostly when she told me we could still be friends. That made me like her because she was understanding of me. I wrote to her in every mood, good or bad, happy or depressed and she never abandoned me. Thats what i would like in her and so i would fall in love again. So would she and then the cycle would repeat. But it repeated only twice, i guess. Now she says she wont fall in love, because its so crazy, or difficult for her. Had it been someone else, he would have won her. But its me ... so it wasnt like that.

And so i would try to race ahead and she would always in the beginning tell me to slow down (indirectly). She seems to be saner than me.
It was as if i was trying to get her as if it was something i would never see again in life, so i thought i should 'capture' it so it could not get away. i would tell her too at time that she was too good to be true, but she always said she understood me. She would contradict me and try to make me beleive in her and myself. I told her all my problems, about myself and my family and the way i was. she would tell me that i was nice honest, sensitive, capable of love and affection and different from the others. But i guess i would never beleive her, thinking sometimes that she wasnt intelligent enough to see the real me. and at other worse times i would doubt her and think she wasnt telling the truth, the REAL reason she liked me (e.g. it could be my better financial position)

I mean this is ONE of the problems. All my relationships fail. I wonder if i will ever be liked by someone and ever marry someone whom i love and she loves me. and that would be stay like that forever.
And then i look at my family, its totally riddled with bad pathetic marriages. I start to think i'm going there too. i know someone will say i wont go there but i cant help thinking this negative.

i'm not good looking too much (but she had seen me and she said looks didnt matter too much, but still often i would never beleive her. like i said i would sometimes doubt her), and then all these problems around me. The result? it seems zero.

i start to think that she's the last girl in my life that ever liked me and now i've lost her too. Its so pathetic, because she always understood me. now i want her to be mine and i want her to like me too. But i guess there's a limit, she just cant go on always saying that she likes me (like i said she says now she wont fall in love again). And its horrible for me to see that it was me who made her decide this. I'm THAT repulsive ..? i know, i should'nt think about myself like that but you can see the result. Its all there. It was my doing and it cant be ignored. My fault that it failed. I dont see any sucess in her relationship with me now, because i think i've bugged her so much, tested her heart, doubted her, told her that we couldnt get along and said sorry to her so many times. Who likes wimps ?? no one .. right ?
I know there are better people with whom she would like to be with, someone whos stronger, cheerful enjoys life and doesnt doubt her at times. etc. I appeared like tht to her in begining and i know she liked that in me. Then i started to fall and fall ...
she says she has difficult saying NO, and i wonder if THATS the reason she's still putting up with me and not abandoned me.

Then, what else ...I dont like studies. I find them a pain and useless thing (after all material thigns dont matter, right).
Well thats not too bad, but i worry about myself getting a job and whether someone will employ me. Even if they did, i often imagine that my career life would be boring. I dont want it to be like that. (who would.. ?)

Its all so hopeless. I know other people have problems too (like u said), but when i'm feeling bad, i do almost everything to make it worse. Like i'll try to find out how good a person is doing and then i'll look at myself and tell myself how bad *I*'m doing.
sort of make the gap larger and torment myself. i dont know i cant help doing this at times. sometimes i'm better like yesterday afternoon i was feeling much better than what i was feeling in the morning and even now.

It just seems i'm always falling into an abyss, dark and unending. And its so tortorous, frustrating, depressing. i feel hopeless, depressed, crappy. That bird sitting on the wire chirping to itself is better than me. Maybe even the objects on my desk too, because they cant feel anything and look at me.
i mean feeling nothing is better than feeling bad right ? would u rather do nothing or go through torture ?
do nothing right ...?

you asked what makes me feel bad. i guess i myself make myself feel bad. The results in my life, the state of my life and when i compare it to others, THAT makes me feel bad.

what makes me feel good ..?
maybe when i've had food and had a good sleep, and being clean. Sometimes even THESE things dont make a difference.

I have no relationship so thats out of the question. sometimes music (symphonies) makes me feel good, but if i'm feeling bad i dont feel like listeing to it. if i'm feeling good, i turn it on automatically.

what else makes me feel bad ...? basically me myself, observing my life (as i mentioned) ...

damn ......

May 21, 2000
11:08 pm
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sometimes my moods change so much, that now after about 4 hours i looked at this thing i posted and i felt strange that i had written it. Then i had to force myself to accept that at that time i was feeling intense, maybe not so much right now. But everything which i said is still true.

also, now that i went through my post, different things came into my head. One was that i shouldnt have told all this about me. that is, as if, someone might take advantage of me. I shouldnt be so open about it. I shouldnt have written all this. etc.
The other idea was that maybe i had exagerated it, maybe i had 'colored 'things.

I mean i have these thoughts in my head and then i have to fight them off, that no, this is all ok and its alright for me to tell all this. no one can take advantage of me in any way becoz i was careful in writing what i did.

And that it was not exagerated but true, its only that i'm not feeling like i was at that time. Right now i dont feel like sharing, and now maybe i feel sort of numb. So, well ...
its all true. maybe when i get your reponses i'll be able to regain my seriousness.

i feel so strange writing all this. I think of all the people around me watching television, sleeping, doing stugg on their computers, or whatever and here i am doing THIS.

ah well ...whatever.

May 23, 2000
4:17 pm
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i talked to her last night, i was in a good. she said i was sweet! .. 🙂 ..
but she also said we can just be friends, which i understood. i wouldnt blame her. i guess i have to go and visit her. i told her i would come and i didnt and she said before that this was the thing she didnt like, that i had said i would come but i didnt come. again, i wouldnt blame her.

May 23, 2000
6:01 pm
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oops.. typo .. the first line should have read "i was in a good -> mood < -"

May 23, 2000
8:45 pm
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importantly, i was in a good mood *before* she said i was sweet (in case someone might think vice versa!)

May 23, 2000
10:18 pm
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all of this is ofcourse for your feedback and analysis of the situation. anyone have any suggestions, they are most welcome.

i know i have trouble trusting people (when i SHOULD) and dont let them get close to me which is a very big problem for me. i wonder how it can be solved.

May 24, 2000
5:09 pm
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Guest-guest.

Wow! Matey, aren't you giving yourself a flogging.

You hit the nail on the head when you said, "i guess i myself make myself feel bad. The results in my life, the state of my life and when i compare it to others, THAT makes me feel bad."

When we sit in judgement upon ourselves and compare ourselves to others (as we think they are - Hmmmm!) , we are bound push buttons in ourselves and feel bad.

Then you said, " what makes me feel good ..? maybe when i've had food and had a good sleep, and being clean."

If you reflect deeply upon your own answers you will see that when you treat yourself well, you feel good. But when you sit in judgement upon yourself by comparing yourself to others you feel bad.

Notice how we never compare ourselves to hobos. We always pick Tom Cruise or some other social idol. No wonder we feel bad when we do that. BUT HOW DO WE MAKE OURSELVES STOP DOING THAT!!!! How do we learn to be gentle and loving with ourselves!!!!

Guest-guest, humor me and do me a favor. Come hell or high water, get to a music store and listen to John Lennon singing his song "Beautiful Boy". Now as you listen to the words, imagine that you are singing it to that part of yourself that feels so alone and lost. Then get back to me and tell me about the your experience.

I'm waiting..........

May 24, 2000
9:46 pm
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You guys think you have tough images to live up to, try being a female. YIKES! I haven't earned enough money in my life time to get close to super model looks, but I'm damn close, in my mind. Ha, Ha...

Another great song is "Imagine." Imagine all the people living all in peace. What a beautiful image. That is what I hold on to. Tough crowd, this world is. The hardest part is living in peace with ourselves. Accepting ourselves for the uniqueness we have been blessed with. guest-guest, I too am waiting your reply. Sorry I have been absent, headache takes over and I can only stay on for a brief period in time. I have been reading your threads and have sent energy to you. Be at peace with the unique you.

May 25, 2000
5:52 am
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🙂 ..thats a sweet cute song ... really cute. thanks! I'm listeining to it now and i think i'll keep listeining to it till the message gets in and when that happens it will get out, and i'll get tired of it, i just know it!. But i hope to remember to come back to it. I read some other john lennon lyrics and i didnt know he was like that. i guess something must have happened to him too. Just compare the usual hard rock (and what not) lyrics to THIS song, and its quite different.
I think i'll go to sleep now and the words will be rining in my ears i know 🙂 ..
tez, i know i have to learn to take care of myself. sometimes i just dont feel like doing it, like getting up to get something to eat, taking a bath. What to do in THOSE times?? when u dont have the motivation to do things which u know will make u feel better? sometimes i'm not even aware of what i should do to make myself feel better and all i'll be doing is wallowing in the grime. Well actually that used to happen before, but NOW i'm better, atleast i dont give up. I dont 'bow' my head down and accept that i'm bad but now i sort of try to fight it back. But that means when i'm feeling bad i'm also feeling tense. and now as u see i'm confused as to what i really feel, bad or tense. i guess tense also comes under bad. um....
i know one thing right now .. i need to go to sleep ! 🙂 .. (but i felt i had to write this so ...)
which makes me think, am i doing what i should be doing? should i be sleeping or writing this? if i dont write this i know it will keep buggin me as something i should have done but didnt do. If i dont sleep i keep myself uncomfortable and that makes me wonder if i'm being hard on myself. What to do ??? 😐
hmph!

spirit if u were waiting for my replies about the concept of god i wrote them in the thread( 'spirit i'd love to hear ur comemtns about brenda'). is there anything i'm missing ? i'll listen to the imagine song too.
thats right spirit... the hardest part for me (and many other ppl) is living in peace with myself. When that will happen my aim in life will be achieved...

b/w what kind of energy did u send to me ..? thanks for whatever it was (as long as its free, whats the harm in accepting it?? .. hehe .. j/k..). thanks for thinking of me. :). were u praying .. ? good luck for ur headache. get well soon.

May 25, 2000
6:35 pm
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guest_guest: The energy I speak of is close to saying a prayer. It is possitive thoughts sent out to you in hopes that you will know you are not alone in your times of despair. We all have times when we feel despair, and it helps to know that somewhere, in this big world, someone is holding onto good thoughts so that we may break through. Just reaching out to another can bring forth peace.

One of the missing ingredients, in this world of instant gratification, is knowing that many things, worth their while, take time to flourish and grow to maturity. Seeds are planted, nutured, watered, and protected from weeds. In their time, the seeds become plants and provide food or beauty. You cannot rush the process. There is a time to sow, a time to nurture, a time to harvest. If you miss a step, the final outcome is less than desired. People are not so different. We need to allow ourselves the necessary time to let each step take place.

It is not the destination, but the journey which brings us the lessons. While allowing the seeds to take root, site see. While nurturing the new plant, fill yourself with the wonders around you. While harvesting the fruits of your labors, breathe deeply and feel the softness within. May your peace be well rooted...

May 26, 2000
10:27 am
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Hey guys,
While we are on the subject of song lyrics, one song thatdoes it for me is "American Tune" by Paul Simon.

It reminds me how we all feel these burdens in our own ways according to our own lives, but basically we are still here, we still have the future and we will be alright, if only we allow ourselves to believe it.

Guest, the feelings you have about opening yourself are natural. But this is the way to true intimacy and love isn't it? Being brave enough to open ourselves up. Its bloody hard to do, do you see that you being able to do that just here on this thread shows how far you are coming? when we have suffered emotional abuse we learn to close ourselves off. If we wish to learn to love ourselves and others we have to take those risks of opening ourselves up again in oder to reap the rewards.

You are so down on yourself you dont even see this strength you have.

But your relationship with this girl is a lesson for you, you have met someone there i feel, who has all the love you could want. The only thing is stopping you is that YOU cannot believe yourselfto be lovable.

Until you see your real worth, no-one can give you that love. Why did you not go and meet your friend?
maybe in time you will meet her? I hope you give yourself that chance. Allow her to make up her mind about you, rather than not letting her meet you in case something bad happens?
It is a risk isn't it? But without risks what have we got? Not alot!
I am sending you lots of free energy too! call it prayer, magic, positive thinking or whatever - it works.
Good luck and speak soon.
Hazza

May 26, 2000
6:54 pm
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Guest-guest.

I can strongly identify with where your coming from, mate.

You said, "...What to do ??? : hmph! "

I have soooo... many answers for you. But then I realised in a split second: I only have my answers to my life's questions. I can't expect my answers to be of much use to you as your answers to the many questions that life asks of you. Life expects each and every one of us to answer 'Its' questions in our own unique and individual way. That way we find our 'true' selves not who we think we are.

As the great Dr. C. G. Jung said to a reporter when asked at the end of his life to paraphrase his life's journey: "My life has been a journey down a ladder into a deep dark, dank pit, wherein at the bottom, I found a little clod of earth that is me, and I made friends with it."

Life is a 'question' that demands 'yes' for an answer. All any of us can do is - on an instant by instant basis - to answer Life's questions. If we avoid this instant by instant 'demand', we tend to miss out on life altogether. As John Lennon said in that song, "Life is what is happening while your busy planning something else."

Hang in there, matey!

May 26, 2000
10:01 pm
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you guys are simply great !! ... heres a pepsi and pizza for you !! 🙂 .. really...thanks for showing ur concern. i know i'm not too expressive with my feelings so forgive me if i'm not thankful enough !! .. well that may sound childish i dont know, but whatever. Thanks anyways!
i'll get back to you later in a short while. gotta go and take care of myself, got a headache, a hungry stomach and a call of nature. see how bad i treat myself .. 😐 .. oh man ..
well see u later.

May 27, 2000
1:38 pm
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to spirit, hazza and tez:

spirit:
thanks spirit for thinking of me and praying and wishing well for me. Well, sometimes i'm more depressed because i see other 'plants' who were seeds at the same time as me, some even younger than me and they look better than me. i know we had different backgrounds and maybe the soil i grew on wasnt too fertile. maybe others had it better, some might have had it worse too.

i know i cant do anything about that now, except work on it and try to make myself strong and happy.

Hazza:
i know i opened up but i'm still anonymouse here, right ? still i guess, it helps.
yesterday i was feeling great in the evening but now it isnt too good. i feel i should be sleeping but i thought i might write here.

and ure SO right when u said i'm do down i dont see those strengths.
and u hit it on the target when u said i dont beleiev myself to be lovable and that whats always causes the big problem. i really hate it. i lost her now i think. I hate to see that i could have made life better for her, to be her dream person, but i couldnt. ah well, i cant right now. i just tell her never to blame herself for anything. She's like me too, she sometimes feels depressed too.

i wonder WHEN i'll start beleiving that i'm lovable, instead if doubting everyone who tries to come near me and think in my mind that "why is he/she doing this? whats the real reason?" i've told all of this to her too, that how i doubt her, and i say sorry to her that i cant help it right now, its the way i am and i'm working on it.
i hate you god .. again ..

hazza, i didnt go to meet her because at the present time she's become unconfortable with me. I obsessed about her, behaved in weak ways in front of her mother. her mother also knows i told her i would come and i didnt. I just made her very uncomfortable. so much so that the last time we talked on the phone, i asked her are u busy, she said call me after a couple of days, meaning that obviously she didnt want to talk to me. She was irritated of me and her mind was tired due to me. really, i'm not exagerrrating, but i really did turn her off. thats why i dont want to go, because right now its no use. it would waste my time and her time too. i told her now that i'm not coming because we both feel strange about it. i told her that one has to be happy first urself before he can start a good relationship. i told her i still have to achieve that and till that happens i cant see it working for us. i told her sorry, it was my fault but i cant help it and i'm working on it. i told her if it doesnt work out for us (she told me this too), we shouldnt worry. maybe we'll just learn.
Thanks for the +ve thinking and prayers. I need tonnes of positive power, healing power.

Tez:
Thanks tez .. me trying to find that clod of earth too. (i was listening to the lennon song last night too, i made me feel funny and comfortable for a short while, which was really cool). And when he says 'good night sean, see u in the morning'. it made me remember my own dad. he's never been expressive that much but still sometimes when he was in a good mood (he's moody too like me), he would come over and kiss us goodnight and whisper something cute to us. And my mother ... she was FAR from that. I think i had a prison warden for a mother, she never loved me, cared for my feelings. even now she doesnt care whether i'm happy or not. she just wants me to look like something on the shelf and satisfy her. she lives her life to please other people.
i dont care about her and i dont even feel like talking to her. my father is so much better, he even says sometimes, 'son i've always wanted you to be happy, just do whats best for you. u're old enough to decide what you have to do'. Someday i'm going to tell him this thta i like this in him and make him feel wanted. i know he cares for me.
i want so much to see me, my father and brother happy. my mother and sisters are a differnet case. They live their lives in a fake manner.

yesterday i felt like coming and trying to meet all u guys in real life. but now now (i'll be honest!!). i'm just moody as u might have guessed. i feel tired, exhausted, and crappy right now. i have this long homework to do and i hate studies. They take away my peace of mind. i wish i could spend all my life without any duties to do like this. i hate obsessing about work and career. After all there's only one mind you have and only so much attention you can give to one thing. if u're obsessed with work, u're automatically going to lose touch in other areas. And specially for me, i really need time on myself, and chill out, forget what the duties are all about. Atleast for some time until i gain back my peace of mind. damn i hate this work.

May 27, 2000
8:25 pm
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guest_guest: You have grown so much, don't discount yourself, you really have. Its not a "microwavable" fix, undoing that which took years to do. Baby-steps is how we learned to run, baby-steps is how we learn to love ourselves without becoming self-centered. With each step forward, the chains of the past lift off your spirit. Let's talk looks for a minute. I have known many "beautiful" people who couldn't hold a candle to your sensitivities. The heart and spirit are the true beauty of a person, not the outer shell we call our bodies. Be kind to yourself. More positive energy on its way!

The child within me came out to play today, while I was at work, with a sad looking little boy in a stroller. Little guy wasn't happy with the view he was being subjected to, who would. I played hide and seek with him, got him laughing. Saw him a few more times in the store, each time he smiled and waved. When he and his mother left the store, he blew me a kiss. One of my employees told me my creditablity as a hard-nosed manager took a nose dive. Man, it was fun. And man, I needed the break from being an adult. I wish all who are feeling the stressors of their adult life to go out a PLAY. Let your inner child have some fun. Just don't run with scissors... Peace to all!

May 27, 2000
8:39 pm
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Guest-guest.

I sure can identify with you. My mother sounds exactly like yours. My mother never saw 'me' at all. In public, she created a 'fantasy son' out of her verbal diahorrea, that everyone knew was a lie and not at all like me. In private, I was let know that I was never good enough. She used me as her public ego trip and private whipping boy. She never let me forget that had my still born older brother survived he would have been the son that she wanted.

A couple of weeks before my mother died, she looked up at me and said, "You can't do anything for me can you." She knew that she was dying. I said, "No, mum. Everything that can be done is being done." After that she showed no interest in me at all. All her preoccupations were on the hospital staff. I then had confirmed what I had always believed; that she had only valued me as an object to use for her own fantasy fulfillments.

My father was a raving lunatic who used to regularly explode at the drop of a hat and bash me across the head for anything at all. Sometimes for something that had nothing to do with me. He never came near me otherwise.

When I was born, I was tongue tied and couldn't feed at all for a week. Apparently no one knew what was wrong with me. I screamed in terror for a week and nearly died. A nursing sister found out what was wrong and saved my life.

Inside me is a great big permanently fused timebomb full of explosive rage. All it takes is a powerful enough trigger or my threshold to drop and Wham, I turn into a Kamakaze, hellbent on destroying everybody and everything. It is an indelibly ingrained emotional memory.

Twenty seven years ago in the depths of the lost world of madness called alcoholism, I consciously decided to change. I set about discovering who I am. I embarked on an exciting journey that opened up a vista of how things could be. In sobriety, after going through a broken marriage, the loss of my children, a painful addictive relationship breakdown, and many other trials and problems, I have learnt some veryinteresting things. I have done the spade work, had the later years university psych education and put in the private reading and reflections and over the years helped others like myself. What have I learnt about this clod of earth called me?

I have a conscious awareness located in working memory in my cortex. This working memory that I call 'me', both 'feels' and 'thinks'. It is fed information from my emotional self located in the amygdala. It appraises the resulting feelings and based on memory scripts and memory of past events, it draws conclusions about the state of my wellbeing. These conclusions are very often wrong. Thus, I often act very inappropriately, bringing about consequences that aren't to my liking. I then use my thinking self to 'rationalise' that everyone else is to 'blame' for these consequences. These negative thoughts then trigger emotional memories which I am aware of in my working memory as fear. This fear quickly turns to agression and the 'timebomb' is in imminent danger of going off. Most of this happens without my realising it.

One of my greatest allies are my dreams. I have learnt much from them about my psyche. Another ally is meditation; another is hours of quiet reflection; another is the striving for truth; another is the courage to face my inner demons; another is the ability to express my regrets to those I hurt by my inappropriate behaviour;another is serving others; another is not taking myself too seriously; another is having fun, another is realising who I really am.

So.... I am not a bad person getting good; I am an emotionally sick person well on the road in recovery. That John Lennon song starts off:"Close your eyes, have no fear. The monster's gone. He's on the run and your daddy's here." This is basically what the 'thinking' me has to tell the 'feeling' me constantly. Such self-reassurances help maintain a low level of fear arousal most of the time. Well parented people had this message given to them in sooo.. many ways as children. Now I have to compensate for my unfortunate parenting by doing it for myself now. I believe this is a part of what my 'adult' nurturing my 'inner child' is all about. I need to tell myself that I am a "beautiful boy" not an 'arsehole' as I have done sooo... many times in the past. I learnt that: "give a dog a name and he will play the game." I don't want to play the game of being an arsehole any longer. Sooo.. it's lots of self-nurture in all its forms for me.

All the very best on your journey, matey!

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