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getting in touch with the child within
May 4, 2000
1:50 am
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me
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May 4, 2000
2:06 am
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Sorry about the above non-entry!!!

Over the last few weeks I have had some time off work to 'work' on myself.

Feeling unsuccessful at doing this alone (as expressed in my previous posting), I have turned to other ways of becoming clearer about what's going on for/with me.

One of the ongoing things I hear about or am encouraged to do is to get in touch with the 'child within'.
OK... any suggestions on how one goes about doing this?

One person told me to think of a seven year old child who's just fallen over and scraped their knee, they are bleeding and coming to me for help. He then asked, "whats the first thing you'd do?"
In response I said, "Pick the child up, give them a big hug and try to help them to feel better, to stop crying... then clean their wound."

He then suggested to think of myself as a seven year old child, to be seven again and to let myself feel
whatever I feel, then to give myself that same nurturing that I would offer that child.

Well, just the thought of doing that brought tears to my eyes, so how will I ever be able to practise it without losing the plot completely?

Thank you for your time everyone,

Peace to all-

Me xxx

May 4, 2000
6:28 am
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GETTING IN TOUCH WITH YOUR INNER CHILD WHY DO YOU FEEL YOU NEED TO DO THIS IS THERE HURT FROM REJECTION I HAVE FOUND THAT JESUS CHRIST CAN HELP THIS FEELING IT MAY NOT BE EASY BUT IT CAN BE DONE WITH SOMEONE THAT CAN UNDERSTAND MY PRAYERS ARE WITH YOU LONINESS CAN CAUSE A LOT OF THINGS BUT WORDS OF GOD'S MERCY AND LOVE TO MANY TIMES SO MANY DO A LOT OF JUDGEING INSTEAD OF UNDERSTANDING WHAT SOMEONE MAY FEEL GETTING IN TOUCH WITH JESUS CHRIST MAKE HIM YOUR LORD AND SAVIOUR AND FINDING PEOPLE THAT WILL LISTEN TO YOUR CONCERNS I BELIEVE THAT READING THE PSALMS IN THE BIBLE HELP PEOPLE UNDERSTAND THE SOUL A WHOLE LOT BETTER WHEN YOU FIND OUT WHAT GOD HAS TO SAY ABOUT THE FEELINGS OF YOUR SOUL AND HAVE PEOPLE GIVE YOU LOVE AND UNDERSTANDING GAL 6:2 BEAR YE ONE ANOTHER'S BURDENS AND SO FULFIL THE LAW OF CHRIST PSALM 73:26 MY FLESH AND MY HEART FAILETH BUT GOD IS THE STRNGTH OF MY HEART AND MY PORTION FOR EVER

May 4, 2000
7:35 am
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heartfelt
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me....Now you know why I use the name heartfelt. A undeniable part of growth is addressing the parts of me that never grew. Getting in touch with your inner child is one of the most beautiful ,sacred, and gifts anyone could give to themselves. Sharing a brief part of my experience is a privilage, thank you.....In my journey of discovery about heartfelt, part of my blocking in forward healthy movement was the inability to get in touch with the little guy inside the grown man. I read about inner child work, felt the tears just behind my eyes, and longed for a way to release the chains that held back the little guy from coming out to play. He never knew how due to traumas in earlier times. With help, through imagery, pictures in the mind that lead one to the heart, I was able to break through and welcome that little boy back into my heart. The funny thing is , he never left, he was, as he is for you, just waiting patiently to come home. Such a beautiful feeling, such a powerful knowing, and honestly one of the essential keys to move on the path to a journey that, for me, will never end. For some imagery is difficult,but guided is very rewarding. With that, I also need to say that take your time, just absorb, just be. All is ok, slow deep breathing. When the little guy broke into my heart, or I need to say WHEN I ALLOWED HIM INTO MY HEART, in my minds eye, he was just looking at me, in front of the fortress I built not allowing anybody or anything in. When I accepted my lifelong need to become one HE turned the wall of stone inside to a wall of clay. He leaped onto the wall and kneaded, squished, and molded the clay. I just watched in awe as he acknowledged me, we embraced, and have became whole, as one. What an experience.....knowing the inner child holds many answers for us if we choose to look. The work is not easy,but anything worthwhile never is......this is our hearts, is there anything more worthwhile? As I've done before I'm going to play with little heartfelt. We're going to slide down our rainbow ........wanna come along?

May 4, 2000
10:31 pm
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Dear Me: No matter what the reason is for wanting to touch your inner child, I think it is a beautiful desire. My grandmother told me that the only thing about becoming old is you then have the worlds okay to act like a child again.

Our society has many rules, one of which is to act your age. Huh? Age is a figment of our imaginations. We are only as old as we feel at the time we are feeling it. Somedays I feel 100, others 5 or 6. What most people call their inner child, I call my spirit. For what is a child but an unencumbered spirit, free to laugh and run in the rain, splash through mud puddles, have food fights, jump on the bed, pillow fights, etc...

Here is a tip on knowing when your inner child is at work: When you really just want to do the most childish thing that would make other "grownups" gasp at your behavior, or when the urge to splash in a puddle is so strong you can feel the water splashing all around you. Don't fight it, DO IT. Yes, we have to be responsible adults most of the time, but there is always room for childlike playing. Buy a box of crayons, open it up, and just breathe. Let the memories flood back from when coloring was a favorite past time. Then, scribble outside the lines. I love it.

No matter which approach you take to reaching your inner child/spirit. I wich you peace as you understand the blessing you are about to receive...

May 4, 2000
11:15 pm
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me, I think the fact that the thought of addressing your inner child is bringing tears to your eyes, means you know very well you need to. For me, there are so many unmet needs in my past, so many times I should have been protected and wasn't, things I feel responsible for that were none of my doing... Just the act of validating my neglected and abused childhood brought/brings me to my knees. Now I'm an adult, and I can protect my innocence and I can nurture and guide and mentor that child who never got that when she should have. I think JRH has some valid views, also. For me, walking back into my past without knowing Jesus was coming, too, would be WAY too scary. Ultimately, I trust Him to protect me and lead me into a life of wholeness. He's the author and finisher of my faith, and He promised to finish the good work He began in me. I know it's more popular here to say "Spirit" or to look to our selves to save us. I don't refute any of this. All I can really say with any authority is what God has done in me. And highly recommend it! I want to tell you not to be afraid, but I know it's scary. I will pray (if you don't mind) for your heart to be safe and your hurts to be healed. Steady on, me!

May 5, 2000
2:06 am
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I just happened in here after another thread.

What about this inner child? Is it something you have to do for yourselves even if the person who probably harmed you in the first place wants to make things right for you?

May 5, 2000
9:39 pm
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All.

From my perspective, within the postings on this thread, there seems to be some confusion about the exact nature of the 'inner child' .

From my understanding, the 'inner child' is a set of emotional memories laid down in infancy and early childhood. These emotional memories are the result of body arousal states experienced in childhood.

These arousal states are evolutionally produced biological drives that has ensured infant survival throughout humanity's progression from neanderthal to modern man.

These arousal states, often experienced in infancy include the reunification arousal on the breast during feeding as well as the terrible fear arousal state upon abandonment.

The emotional memory of these arousal states is not contextual; that is, it is not an explicit memory of an emotional event. It is a trigger memory that, once triggered by an event in adulthood, can produce the same body arousal state that was experienced as a child.

Our 'inner child' feelings are our conscious awareness of this re-experiencing of these past arousal states or emotions.

As adults, the terrible fears of abandonment, experienced by some people, are usually highly irrational and are often retriggered emotional memories. The associated unpleasant feelings, associated with such recalls, usually results in erroneous 'rationalisations' regarding the cause of the feeling. "He made me angry" should really be "His behaviour was a stimulus for evoking the recall the emotional state which I felt as a child. Unbeknowns to me, he must have sounded and acted did my father did so long ago"

In summary, experiencing 'the inner child' is feeling the recall of past emotional memories. The feelings can be positive or negative, depending on whether the emotional memory was of a supportive or threatening childhood event.

I hope this has been of some help in illucidating what is often a poorly understood and denigrated concept.

May 7, 2000
2:48 am
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Thank you all for your responses.

There seems to be varied understandings of what this whole concept means...

I know that there is not a particular incident that I am afraid of
re-entering and I know that as a child I was loved (maybe even TOO much), but still, something within makes me feel unsure about going back there... perhaps it's a feeling of 'not deserving' such nurturing... as you mentioned, heartfelt, it is the act of getting in touch (or realising) the parts within me that never grew, and I have a sense that it is something within me that stops me from growing!

Anyhow, THANK YOU to all... your prayers are appreciated and yes Spirit, if I feel like jumping in a puddle, I"ll try and do it rather than just thinking about how nice it would be!

Tez, I find what you say to be thought provoking...

Take care,

Me šŸ™‚

May 7, 2000
7:46 am
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Feeling like "you don't deserve" stuff can be a symptom of codependency and/or low self esteeem.

we need to treasure our selves and nurture ourselves.

when you feel you "son't deserve " something..ask your self why.

It is okay for us to fell okay or even to feel GREAT about our selves.

May 7, 2000
5:27 pm
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Inner child work is the re-parenting of oneself from unhealthy behavior, thoughts, feelings, perspectives and thinking patterns....Emotional states most certainly would result in body arousal. Anger, shyness, timid, acting out, poor me, egoism, assertivness, rational thinking, positive energy, and so on. Healthy and not healthy, both sides of the fence. Emotional memories of these arousal states most certainly can be the memories of explicit events....war, death, rape, physical abuse.things that ACTUALLY have been a reality in peoples lives.No doubt this life has triggers that can bring to the surface past traumas, and recognizing those triggers are the key to developing healty responses associated with these memories. Children need healthy parenting..if this is not the reality for some children, then it is survival, which leads to limits in life. I don't know of two people who are the same, all have different needs, some are met, some not, some are out of one's control, some are not. For me, something within was lost long ago, and circumstances kept my inner child from growing, emerging, being nurtured, feeling love......now that I know within what is a solid foundation of a child's love for self offers the grown man, there's only the grown man who can take that away and that will never happen. The gift of the opportunity to touch the heart that has longed for the little boy is quite frankly, a miracle. One just has to be willing to try if they need to.It's sad when children are afraid of the dark..but it's a tragedy when grown men and women won't see the light.....

May 9, 2000
8:41 am
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Heartfelt: Amen to that one.

May 10, 2000
5:32 pm
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Heartfelt.

Amen from me too. Well put.

May 13, 2000
3:53 am
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hey tez :))!! .. whats up ? how are u doing ? .. long time no see, huh ..?
i came here after a while maybe a month, when i'm not feeling good. So i come here and look at all these people with their problem's and feel better (haha.. mean huh??) .. j/k.
well actually not ... šŸ™‚ ..
when i come here and see all these people, at first i just skim over the posts, i dont feel like reading it carefully. And then i feel i should use my time, this skimming isnt too useful, so i slow down.

Well, it isnt going too good for me. Its better definitely, but i come down again and when that happens i feel its going to last forever. Same self-esteem problem ...
although i've talked to ppl, tried to do something about it. lets say its in the progress.

i too so want to act myself, to be happy and spontanous but i cant seem to, most of the times. Sometimes i'm better. I've become better in public too, somewhat. But its still maybe only 10% of what i really have to achieve ... anyways, see u later.
(i never understand things that arent simple. i guess i dont have the iq for that. Thats y i didnt understand ur inner child theory)
someone got a magic pill around here ..? what about emdr ? is it for everyone? i heard from one doc, its only for ppl who've experienced severe trauma, like death of near ones, rape, war, etcetc ..
i wonder if its for people who had emotionaly and physically abusive parents.. ? anyone have any nice ideas .. ?

May 13, 2000
6:27 am
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Emotionall and physically abusive parents are hard to overcome, but can be done. It infuriates me when I read stories of adults who have been abused by those they trusted in their childhood, and there seems to be no hope of overcoming it. There is hope, there is light at the end of the tunnel and the journey there begins with accepting a few things.

#1: It happened.
#2: As a child, you are powerless to do anything about it. You do not own the bag of guilt, hurt, etc... It belongs to those who committed the acts.
#3: You cannot change that which happens, but you must accept responsibilty for that which happens as an adult. To behave towards others, as was done to you as a child, since becoming aware that it is wrong, is wrong.
#4: Do some reparenting of the child you within. Read Heartfelt's thread. Many valuable lessons in there which could only be learned from experiences past.
#5: Never give up on you, or into the fears of you. Unbalanced parents say and do horrible things to their children, for what reasons I do not understand, but those things are not you. Stop playing the tapes over and over in your mind. Live in the now here. Accepting the past for what it was.

Growing up, abuse seemed to be my middle name. Early into my teens I discovered I didn't have to be a victim if I didn't want to. One of the abusers said, on the day I reared up my defenses, look at the mouse that roars. He laughed, I didn't, he stopped laughing, the abuse stopped. Today he and I can sit and talk face to face. I have no fears, no shame, just peace that I overcame the victim syndrom by finding my strength within. I have been blessed to have many GA's watching over me in my life time.

Please, do not live your life based on the actions taken against you in the past. Accept that it happened, accept that you were helpless, and know there is a reason you experienced what you did. For me that experience helped me to help two nephews out of the same bucket of ....
Other experiences have helped me to find the right words in time of another's crisis. Accept that, although it may seem unfair, you were chosen to have these experiences so you could learn and teach, not so your life can grow darker with each day the past runs your life. I just don't know how to say it any other way, acceptance is the key, forgiveness is the lock, love is the motivation needed to use the key in the lock. If you love yourself for all that you are you will accept, forgive and press on. May you find peace in understanding.

May 13, 2000
1:11 pm
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When i'm feeling bad, almost everytime someone gives me advice, the only thoughts circulating in my head are 'I cant' or 'i dont want to', or 'i dont know'. Like right now i'm really down. Hoe can i love myself? Its so simple to say, but so hard for me to do.
I know it happened, i know it wasnt my fault, and i accept that now i'm the one who has to fix it.
Now this is also very interesting and i think i must state this. Anyone can always come back and look at what i said about myself :
Any advice given, i will often try to refute it, try to pretend i already know it (like saying 'Hah! I already know that!).
I will try to think of ways, obvious or subtle, to just sort of invalidate the advice, and contradict it in some way. I think Tez knows better about me. What do u say tez? Am i right?
Is there any way to get around it?
I'm always going 'Yes but i cant do this. Yes but actually THIS is the right advice, but i still dont know what to do'.

Anyways ... just thought i'd mention this so eveyrone knows what i think i am. Maybe i enjoyed the 'wise man' rides before (i had been posting here about a year ago and now back again). It wasnt nice in the end i think, becoz i did not benefit (probably my fault ofcourse).

accepting the past for all that was..? how do i do this?

heartfelt, could u tell me more about his guide imagery and how I can do it too? you said it helped in getting in touch with the little guy inside.
When i'm feeling bad i'm just doing that. I'm probably ignoring what my little guy is saying. I got into the habit becoz my parents (specially mom) always ignored scolded and belitled me when i expressed myself. and SOO many other things too, besides physical batterings if e.g. i didnt succeed in learning for my school tests, if i answered back to her, made noice when she was sleeping and many other things.
Yes i know it wasnt my failt and i should'nt dwell on it and i should fix it now. but the BIG question is .. HOW ??
i've seen counselors (not very professional ones though). I feel they cant help me. When i'm there i get all sorts of thoughts in my head. 'i know better than this guy", "he cant help me", "i cant do this, its not possible i'll get allright", "this isnt working", "i think i'm just wasting my time and money and thus i'm stupid". ETC.ETC.

so the counselors thing hsnt worked. Its a big fear in me that i wont get allright. I really wonder WHAT it will take to make me allright. Coz nothing works.
I really hate it. I'm moody and right now i'm feeling really bad. But i feel the percentage of my time spent in feeling bad is increasing. Its so bad.

My mom doesnt abuse me now as i've grown up and become independent (also she's not where i live right now). I have a loving father who is still shy about expressing his love and he too was abused in ways. It also shows up in him. He's never enjoyed his life, always been under some sort of pressure and especially guilt. He's never retaliated towards his own family (his mother and all) and takes it all on himself if they blame him for something. He's never had the courage to stand up agiant them even though at times they have acted SOO inappropriately. I mean, if there would have been someone else, he might have become angry in return (and i think its right to do, coz u must not just accept any crap no matter where it is coming from).
So my father does just that. He accepts crap from his family.
I just told u this so u would know my background. And the term like-father-like-son just makes my heart go further down, coz i DONT want to be like my father in that sense. and it seems i'[m being drawn into this black hole and i cant do anything about it. i feel helpless. Yes ure going to say i'm NOt helpess and i know that but thats what i feel and i just cant do anything to help me.
I mean i dont know what the solution is.
My mom .. u dont want to hear what she's done to me when i was small (it kept happened till i was 13 or 14). as i said, physciall battering ,kicks on my legs, punches in my skinny chest, arms, slaps, hair-pulling, and when she was mild ear-pulling and twisting. Sometimes when it was really bad, it was sticks, once a wooden stick which broke when it hit my hips. I remember the pain it stayed there for a long time. What else ... yes, her footwear too, the rubber bathroom sandals on my legs, arms, and definitely the buttocks.
This went on for confirmed 10 years.
You can imagine the verbal abuse if the physcial was just what i said (and that is only what i remember .. but probably the worst .. i shouldnt be exagerrating i guess).
The verbal abuse? horrible snetences like .(they still ring in my ears when i'm feeling bad and i start to remeber what happened) :
The words NEVER and ALWAYS were common when she was telling me about myself. "You'll NEVER grow up" People will never like" you are a sick minded person" you are a donkey because unless i dont beat you you dont study, just like a donkey he doesng go ahead untill u hit him"
youre worse than an animal"
Hey XYZ (the name of my siblings), bring me that babmboo pole behind the curtains"
'will you do it again? huh ? *SLAP*
will you? try doing that again and i'll break your legs! *slap* *kick*

Thats what happend ... unexagerated and as a minimum. (just to give u an idea where i came from)
my father wasnt very abusive like my mother but still he had his mad moods and when he was angry he hit us. Somtimes he would contradict my mom infront of us 'o frget it they're just children. so what? we'll get it fixed'
but when he was in his bad moods, he would also beat me, his slaps were thundering, i remember both of my parents teeth-clenched, eye open wide faces, full of rage when they were angry and his me.

so thats is ... a glimpse of waht happened to me till i was about 13 or 14(as i said.). It has a big affect on me. My siblings arent any better, but i'm the second worse case since i was about the eldest and as a boy it was more serious for them becoz of studies.

How do i get about it all?
what do i do NOW ?
recently i was in public and i got the horrible things again. I was again behaving like i used to do in public before, subdued, not talking too much, not comfortable, feeling inferior, afraid and what not. Although i thought i had changed a lot. I discovered i had not. Now as i think about it, its so terrifying for me to think that it might (and the sings say yes it will) stay like that forever. And its a nightmare ofcourse. I've seen that place around me(saw people who stay like that) and its the worst possible thing. Like u said, a bucket of ____. Its just that.
I'm angry, sad, tired, no energy to do anything, depressed, numb, dont feel like moving, and ofcourse hate it all.
Nothing seems to work. nothing at all.

May 13, 2000
9:09 pm
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guest_guest: My heart is shedding tears for the young you and what you endured as an innocent child. The ties that bind and gag us, family, parents, trusted individuals, are nothing more than lost souls taking their anger and low self esteem out on innocent victims, most usually their own children or ones in their care. Notice the use of the word innocent. That is what you are, innocent of any wrong doing, as a child.

There is a book I have grown very found of in my quest. I don't normally recommend a book, mainly because we are all on different levels of our quests; however, I will tell you about this one. It is called "Your Sacred Self" by Dr. Wayne W. Dyer. I have followed Dr. Dyer via television apperances, but this is the first book of his I have read. I truly feel it will be of help to you. Right now I am on the path of getting in touch with my higher self by letting go of the control ego has had on my life. Believe me, ego is at play, in a major way with you and once you begin reading this book you too will see it.

No one deserves to suffer. No one deserves to loose the innocent child within. Unfortunately, it happens all too often. A tough road ahead, but well worth the scraped knees and tears. Please, do not give up on you. You are of Spirit, and Spirit puts lessons, some extremely rough, in our lives in order for us to grow and become teachers ourselves. Imagine the greater good you will be able to do for others once you embrace the loving spirit that is you.

Beginning today, repeat to yourself the following affirmation: I am a child of Spirit, filled with loving kindness towards myself and others.

Guest_guest, you are not alone. Once you understand this, in the truest meaning, then you will begin to find the peace you seek.

May 13, 2000
9:26 pm
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Thankyou i will definitely look into the book. B/w what is the 'Spirit' u talk about ..? i dont understand.

May 14, 2000
3:11 am
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guest-guest.....If I may suggest go to a bookstore and flip through some inner child books. I can tell you that you'll see something that will touch your heart, by it read it. The more information we gather the more tools we have in our carpenters bag and can start buiding the greatest challange ever..you ..also, if you chose get the book by Og Mandino, The greaest miricle in the world" You asked Spirit about spirt. I have a feeling you'll get a wonderful dose of who you are and what you have within in the back of the book.but don't forget to read the story. Go to a special,quiet place close your eyes. Begin to breathe slowly and deeply. Remove all images from you mind and focus on a loving vision of you as a child. Just watch, look, feel within the gift of you. No expectations, just acknowledge your little one, it's you. For this moment all you need to know is he's just waiting for you, loves you, and knows your on your journey to be re-united. If it's ok, I'd like to send little heartfelt along because he knows you and your little guy. If you put your hand in the middle of you chest during one of your quiet times, press in with some pressure, for you will feel what I mean.....guest...don't forget to breathe.....say "may I not suffer, may I be at peace"

May 14, 2000
6:05 pm
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Guest-guest.

'Ow are yuh, mate! - Typical Aussie greeting spoken while pinching your nose off šŸ™‚

You said, "When i'm feeling bad, almost everytime someone gives me advice, the only thoughts circulating in my head are 'I cant' or 'i dont want to', or 'i dont know'... Any advice given, i will often try to refute it, try to pretend i already know it (like saying 'Hah! I already know that!). I will try to think of ways, obvious or subtle, to just sort of invalidate the advice, and contradict it in some way. I think Tez knows better about me. What do u say tez? "

Firstly, Guest_guest, I suspect(but don't really know) that like many other people who come to this site, you are partly looking for acceptance of who you are, warts and all.

Secondly, I think that, when some one gives you advice, you see them as 'patronising' you or 'ego-tripping' at your expense. I suspect that you see them as inferring that you are not OK or not as 'smart' as them. This is, I suspect, what your parents did to you. Thus, 'well meaning' advice givers re-triggers those old feelings of your not being OK; thus you feel 'bad'. I suspect that, for you, 'being not OK' means that you are not worth knowing. This is a tremendously painful and terrifying thought. It re-triggers great fears of abandonment experienced by you all those years ago as a child when you were very vulnerable. Thus the fear quickly turns to anger and resentment towards the advice giver - the abandoner, the phantom parent of the past.

I am reluctant to give advice for this reason. I see us all as being less than perfectly parented people. We all carry our own unique 'baggage' from the past. Thus, speaking for myself only, if I want to feel 'good' I must focus on finding out what it is that triggers my emotional states. After all feelings are nothing more than my conscious awareness of my emotional arousal state. Bad feelings have nothing to do with my being 'right' or 'wrong'; they are just my awareness of an emotional state of arousal in response to a real or imagined threat of some kind.

Self-esteem is my estimation of my worth to both myself and others. If I 'feel' worthless then I face both the prospects of rejection by those important to me and also my perceived inability to look after myself. This re-triggers an emotional state of fear of abandonment learnt as a child - a perceived threat to my well being. Of course my 'thinking' self knows that this is absurd. Yet my 'feeling' self still feels this pain. Amazing, eh!

Thus I see that I have both a 'thinking' and a 'feeling' self. Combined with sensory inputs, both of these parts of me interact in complex ways, each affecting the other. The question is, "which part of me makes the better master?".

Someone was discussing ego earlier. Freud saw the Ego as that part of us that tries to balance the demands of the Id with those of the SuperEgo. I see that as meaning, our sense of the 'self' as being separated from all else (the ego) , trying to reconcile our feelings (awareness of our emotional state - the Id) with our parentally programmed scripts of how things 'should' or 'ought' to be ( the SuperEgo). Conflicts between feelings and thoughts are the ego's dilemma and a cause of much inner suffering.

What do you make of all this 'crap', Guest-guest? šŸ™‚ Do you see any truth in it for you?

May 15, 2000
6:27 pm
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heartfelt, i will definitely try to see some books on inner child. I saw some reviews of the book. Although almost all of them were nice, one of them wasnt. But i'll check them out. Thanks.

Hi tez,
whoa man ... you say things of such 'higher' level that mostly ppl with low IQ(for those kind of things) just see all of it whizzing past their heads. Then i read it and reply later so that its sunk into my head a bit, and i understand it :).
I think ure very right. When someone gives me advice, i probably feel bad because the adviec i got from my mom was always belittling, and never encouraging. Like, she would go "will you ever learn??" , i dont know.. may other things ...
but ure right ... i learnt to be afraid of advice maybe. Although now its like i will sort of admit everything first (to the person who gives advice) and then contradict it. MAybe i learnt it because i would like to give excuses to my mom that it wasnt my fault. I remember she would later to refer to previous mistakes and make me feel even more bad. 'Last time you also did this!!", "youre so stubborn! You just need a good beating and then you'll learn!"
about exact words ...
So yes, i gotta get around that now ..
I think i got about 20%(which really means i didnt get it too good) of what youre saying about feelings and the emotional arousal state. I need more time to get the rest of the 80%.
I got something u said about triigering your emotional arousal states but i still dont know what is the difference between feelings and emotions,
I'll get back to this later when i understand it better. It does sound interesting, because i do want to know what makes me happy or sad, feeling great or crappy.

May 16, 2000
3:55 am
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Guest_guest.

Great stuff you wrote. No worries about taking time to think about it.

Just a quick answer to the difference between feelings and emotions.

Emotions are our body arousal systems in a state of arousal. For example sexual arousal is an emotional arousal state designed by evolution to get us to reproduce the species. Its about survival of the species as a whole and our successful gene lines in particular.

Our fear arousal is a body arousal emotional state preparing us to fight, run or immobilise. Adrenalin flows, muscles tense and digestive systems shut down. Again its about survival. Only this time its about survival of the individual.

There are other body arousal systems each with a specific survival goal. Hunger, thirst and body temperature are such systems.

We can have degrees of body arousal and different combinations of arousal of different systems.

'Feelings' are our conscious awareness of our emotional arousal states. Some people think that lower forms of life like lizards have no feelings. That is, they are not aware of their emotional arousals. They supposedly just act automatically upon their emotions.

Humanity supposedly being civilised, šŸ™‚ has the ability to both think and feel. We are capable of overriding our emotions. For example, if I see a snake on the grass and leap back in fright, that is an automatic emotional response. However if on closer inspection I realise ( thinking/cognition) that it is a garden hose, I can shut my emotions down. That is, when I realise that there is no real threat.

Now in the case of recalled memories of rejection that are triggered by criticism from people important to us, we often feel all the fear arousal that was felt as a child. However, we most probably won't remember the actual event. This is what childhood sexual abuse victims often find. They have retriggered feelings without remembering the actual abuse events. This is terrible for them and their spouses who inadvertently trigger these emotional memories into bodily arousal of fear, etc which is inappropriate to love making.

When we read something that triggers an emotional memory into body arousal, we feel an emotional response and then try to 'rationalise' our feelings. We 'naturally' conclude that someone is having a 'go' at us. This often is not the case and misunderstandings arise.

If we suffer from low core worth, this implies that we have memories of feeling worthless as a result of put downs in childhood. If someone triggers this emotional memory by what he says or how he says it, we feel worthless and resent the person for 'causing' the feeling. In fact in most cases ihis is not intended by the person who triggers us. We mistake a trigger for a cause. We therefore attribute mal-intent to the trigger person, who is, more often than not, baffled by our anger.

By understanding these processes and self-nurture, it is possible - when we realise that no real threat exists - to quickly dissipate the emotional arousal just as we did with the garden hose. Then, after thinking about the best response,we can behave appropriately. This avoids a lot of unnecessary pain in close relationships of all kinds. Good communications then become possible.

I apologise for not clarifying my last posting more. I hope that I haven't just compounded my inability to express myself better.

Kindest regards - Tez.

May 16, 2000
6:11 am
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Frieda
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emotion: arousal state(Sexual, fear, hunger, thirst, body temperature)

feelings: Conscious awareness of emotion.

This may be technically an accurate definition, but I can't make sense of what you said using these terms. Maybe it's just a matter of semantics.

See if I understand:

We have emotional responses to what we face every day. Fear, pleasure, anger, joy, etc. Our responses are really survival skills. When we had to develop unhealthy survival skills to live with abuse, we carry those into even non-abusive situations, and so we react 'inappropriately' because we think we must protect ourselves, hurt is coming. BUT if we recognize that we are responding out of past patterns then we can re-wire our brains not to react with this defense, but can face the present situation for what it's worth.

Using 'emotion' and 'feeling' confuses me. The emotion is the innate response, the feeling is what we do with that response? Is that it?

I try very hard to control my emotions. My thought police are always at work trying to figure out the appropriate feeling. Where does thinking come in? In the reprogramming? Reassuring our mind that it is only a garden hose and not something to fear.

You communicate eloquently. You can't help being over-educated:) Thank you for the thought food. It may take a while to digest...
-Frieda

May 16, 2000
7:11 am
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What I have learned, through experience, is feelings are ever changing. Emotions are ever changing. One moment you can be angry, the next reflective, then the next moment some other feeling creeps in. Emotions are not much different. In an arguement you are filled with many different feeling and emotions. Sit back and think over the latest one you had, what triggered it, and how it concluded. It is so important to go with what you truly KNOW to be true in your heart. Not that which others have tried to make you believe, but what you KNOW. Feelings and emotions change moment by moment, what you KNOW doesn't. Such as, you KNOW you are a good person, but feelings tell you otherwise because someone you trusted along the way pounded it into your head that you weren't worth a plug nickle. Go with what you KNOW to be true.

How do you know when you KNOW something? When you begin to get inside yourself and make a list of all the positive qualities about youself, you know they are real, you KNOW they are from you, within you. You can't just believe things about yourself, that leaves room for doubts, just like the ones you are having about things your mother said and did to counteract who you are inside. So, since you have these delimmas about mom, then you already KNOW good and positive things about yourself. When you start to FEEL the doubts creeping in, turn within your heart and spirit and go with what you KNOW is true and correct about you.

It takes time to find all the positives about ourselves. Daily, people come along and try to undermine our self worth, try to, for whatever reason, to make us believe something about ourselves which isn't true. No one is perfect, not even those which try to tear us down on a daily bases; although, they will try very hard to make is beleive they are. KNOWing who you are, inside, and who you are not is the key to finding peace when those around you, either in the now here, or the no where (past) try to make you feel less than. Babysteps. You can't eat a whole pie in one bite, you have to portion it out one bite at a time. That is the only way to remove the chains of the past and step into the Light of today.

Guest_guest, you are further along in your quest today than you were a week ago, you keep posting threads and seeking insights that fit so you can apply them. Don't give up on you. Go with what you KNOW about yourself, peace will be waiting once you understand, through KNOWing, who you are from the inside.

May 16, 2000
10:37 pm
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Thanks all, tez, frieda and spirit. that was cool.
ITs SOOO tough tracking your feelings, e.g. why am i feeling down right now? What can i do about it?... Its complex. But i'm learning. Now, i've become better in receiving criticism, in the way, that i'm often able to laugh at it. Even good-natured teasing that i wasnt able to endure before at all (always felt embarrased about it), now its got better. Sometimes i'm able to feel nice about it coz it means someone is giving me attention, maybe they like me, and then sometimes i feel comfortable or funny. However, some days are just bad and i'm not able to do all this and just be quite, and sort of accept the teasing and criticism. And many people are like crocodiles, they see how you responded(you accepted it) and the next time they're more vicious. But, hehe, sometimes it happens they come around the second time with even a more vicious attack, i'm able to deal with it and if i'm feeling great at that time, its really good to, well, tell that person indirectly 'haha! you cant get me, buddy!' or 'youre a loser!'
i know all this is still far from wher i have to reach but i've achieved definitely.
Spirit i'm a moody person as u might have seen, so .. šŸ™‚ .. you can never tell which of my moods is going to permanent. Right now i'm sort of feeling nuetral, maybe a little -ve.

And i have such a bad habit of not taking care of myself. I want to look good, eat good, i want to improve the skin on my face, my hair etc.etc.

There will be one force telling me i should do that but i will not feel like making the effort.
But this has also improved. Sometimes i'm able to make the effort, like go and get something to eat, make my sitting position more comfortable,etc.etc. I know it sounds ridiculous but i really dont just take care of myself at times! even such simple things which most people are able to do just naturally, i find it a major challenge at times to get up and get some food, for example.
Got so much work to do on myself.
Has anyone heard about EMDR (eye movement desensitazationand reprocessing). They say its very faster than traditional therapy and can help quickly unblock bad feelings in ur head. But its mixed opinion, some say it doesnt work, some say that the eye movement doesnt play any role in the EMDR. I also read some very rare cases of people having harmful effects due to that, e.g. twitching of the body. An expert i talked to sid it was mostly for traumas, like very severe abuse or exposure to lots of violence etc.
I wonder if i should do some EMDR.

Also, tez, u mentioned about sexual abuse and its effect on love-making afterwards. The person starts feeling fear when it is not appropriate. Is it curable? i guess yes, but how long would it take about (like if a person has had sexual abuse for about almost her childhood like maybe 15 years of so) ...
What if someone knew that their partner had had sexual abuse of this long(15 years or so) in her childhood. Would it be a good bet to marry her? What would be the -ve's and +ve's about it? I feel abused people if they are loved are able to love back too, with more intensity than other people who have not had abuse in their lives. Its because maybe they feel the value of care and love and cherish it more than those people who werent abused.
But what would it take for someone to teach the abused to love? Because in most cases as someone said, they just avoid close relationships. How to crack their cages? and teach them to love their partners back ?
comments..ne1?
thanks.

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