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getting in touch with the child within - part II (getting too long to load)
June 12, 2000
10:21 pm
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Spirit
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Its been a trying task to post threads lately. I'm not heartfelt, nor am I Tez, but I'm here. Glad to see you testing your wings, guest_guest. Feels rather good, doesn't it. How's things? Still reading the book? Think its time to start yet another part 3 of this thread? Gotta go. The AM comes mighty early...zzzzz

June 13, 2000
12:47 pm
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Brenda
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Guest, dont want to offend, but have you checked to see if these moods that you have are related to any kind of organic condition...bpd?
manic depression etc
thyroid
imp to get a real examination done.
god bless

June 13, 2000
1:59 pm
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i had simple tests, like blood and etc., they were fine. i dont want to do drugs!! ๐Ÿ™ ..
i've had bad stories about them how they make u feel unreal and out of touch with urself. i will NOT do drugs .. atleast not now.
I know why i feel this way .. isnt that what i should focus on, or ... what?

if my thyroid is not normal then is it because of my mental condition or is my mental condition due to my thyroid? brenda i know why i feel this way. Almost everyone who had crappy parents feel this awy, depressed and insecure, moody etc. I know why i am like this.. !

do the organic conditions come first or the mental condition? i know in my case, the mental condition came first, definitely! ...
though i wonder if doing something to the thyroid would improve my mental health. but again i dont want to do drugs, if thats whats going to effect the thyroid.

Spirit, i'm reading the book but i'm going so slow. i havent read anything for a week. I have other things to do too, but i dont seem to find time, although i know i can do many things, but dont utilize my time. hmph.!..
but i have an eternal belief that i'll keep trying, like u said, moving forward even if painstakingly slow. ๐Ÿ˜

June 13, 2000
5:44 pm
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Frieda
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Lots of borderline personalities have the same history you describe. Again, which came first the abuse/neglect or the mental/emotional condition? There are standard written tests that will help you diagnose, if you are interested. They usually recommend drugs plus therapy. You don't see a counselor, now, right? If you found a good one, they would help you work through the "Why I'm this way" stuff. You see how therapeutic it is just "talking" here, and therapy is more personal and direct and can help you implement a plan. Keep coming here for support, though. We luv 'ya!

June 13, 2000
7:33 pm
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Guest_guest.

Thanks for your 'test' in posting 12-June-00.

Matey, I read all the postings on this and a couple more threads daily.

I only respond when something is near and dear to my heart or when I think I can make some contribution of worth. Otherwise I would spend all my waking hours responding.

Also, I am reluctant to confound a conversation between you and someone else by inserting my 'bit' unless I see a very good reason. I try to avoid my desire to 'ego trip' as much as I can.

Am I happy? Yes, I am. I believe that I am as happy as I can possibly be at this point in time of my life.

Do I have any problems? Heaps and heaps! Do problems make me unhappy? No! Only my attitude to them does sometimes cause a dip in my acceptance levels. Right now I am recovering from last night's 'sal manoela' food poisioning episode. I retched all night or so it seemed. I became very intimate with the porcelain. ๐Ÿ™‚ Oh... well, I'm a bit rung out but I'm OK now.

Have I got my act all together? NO!!!! But... I am a bloody side more 'together' than when I was in my twenties. It has taken me a lot of time (and pain).

June 15, 2000
2:45 am
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frieda, I wont do drugs.. not now. I just dont want drugs. They're not real. I know the abuse came first.... i know.
i wasnt born like this and no matter what anyone says or quotes i will not accept that i was just born defective. Why? its unfair. i dont care. i will not accept that i was born like this. and i know why i'm like this. I'll get a counlelor later, cant afford it right now, after about 8 months, i'll be able to do it. I did some low cost counseling for a short time but it didnt seem to work so i left it. yea, i'll give time to it but only with a profesional now. i dont want to be a guinea pig for someone whos earning his degree or credentials.
and u know.. ppl suggested to me before too, but telling myself that i have a disorder makes me feel, i'm disabled for life. Like i've heard of ppl having bi-polar disorder and they kep going like that their whole life. i dont want to do that! ๐Ÿ˜ ..
makes me feel i was born disabled and they'll give me drugs, which i DONT want like i said .. and .. i dont know, i just dont want to have a 'disorder'....

tez... u kwow even if i got a hint that it might benefit me if i just came here and typed 'abcdef..', i would do it. i dont care. i'll do anything to get better. even if its a tiny spark that it might help me. bear me guys, or ban me out of this site, i dont care. i only want to get well and other than that i wont give a dam.
sorry !! .. ๐Ÿ˜›

aaah .... i dont know.. i'm just desparate to get well. i dont care what it will take!

b/w .. i just talked to a beautiful girl on the net, she already has a bf, and i asked her questions. i told her i just wanted to ask for my own sake. she told me of all the FUN things she would do with him .. and she couldnt wait to do them with him! while she was telling me, everything was eating me up, i felt so hopeless with myself. I saw her running around with joy and when i looked down i had no legs. i felt aweful!

she had had fun before too, boys and stuff. she didnt sound desperate or a bi*ch. It was killing me when she was telling everything, damn was she lucky to be able to enjoy life like this and i told her that.
shit ...

will i ever enjoy life ... ?
it sank my heart so deep, i almost felt dead, hopeless. Wouldnt her husband be a lucky man ??? and she was lucky too! ..

*sigh* ......
aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa !!!!!
๐Ÿ™ ..... !!!

June 15, 2000
4:02 am
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ok ppl i think i've had enough. i'm obsessing about this, i need time on myself. i know what i have to do, i have to heal my %#$ing inner child. no one can do it but me. i dont think i gain anything by coming here because most of the times i'll just sort of pass over the advice, not take it too seriusly. as they say until u dont do a thing ur self u dont learn. i think i have to take long leave from here, need to put this site out of my mind so i can focus on myself more.

b/w i noticed that i do one thing to lessen pain in myself. i know its wrong but heres what i do: the girl i just mentioned, i felt pain in me because of the large gap in her self-esteem and mine, between the large gap in her ability to anjoy life and my own ability.
There were two options, either i pulled myself close to her level or i illusioned myself that she was the one who was going to lose. i did the latter one, i though she was the one who was going to lose. For a moment i imagined that later in life her husband would cheat on her and she would breal up with him and then she might try to contact ME, in whom maybe she would find someone better.

I know its not the right 'mechanism' of my mind to think like that. Its not the right way to lessen the pain. i dont know what to do. Are these the kinds of things i think up to lessen the pain? again even right now i'm thinking SHE might be the one who'll lose, and i know thinking like this and imagining that life wont be fun for her (and thus maybe denying that theres fun possible in life), maybe it reduces pain in me. it definely reduces the 'gap' ween her and me.

any comments on this ... would be welcome. i dont know what to do about this thinking of mine, this way of my trying to lessen the pain. Whether it is right or wrong and if wrong, how i can get rid of it and etc.

June 16, 2000
7:49 pm
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Guest-guest.

Talking about the girl you conversed with on the net, you said, "i felt pain in me because of the large gap in her self-esteem and mine, between the large gap in her ability to anjoy life and my own ability. There were two options, either i pulled myself close to her level or i illusioned myself that she was the one who was going to lose. i did the latter one, i though she was the one who was going to lose."

I see a โ€˜turdโ€™ option. (Irish pronunciation of the word โ€˜thirdโ€™) J What about stopping the making of comparisons altogether? Comparisons almost always result in a loser. If itโ€™s you, you feel bad; if itโ€™s another, you feel superior in some way to the other in your mind. The whole process of self-evaluation of personal worth by comparison to others isnโ€™t really beneficial to you in the long run, I think.

"For a moment i imagined that later in life her husband would cheat on her and she would breal up with him and then she might try to contact ME, in whom maybe she would find someone better." How do you foresee that this would this change your life for the better?

P.S. I stuffed up.:-) I pasted this response on the other "EGO" thread with other stuff by accident. Sorry. buddy!

June 17, 2000
7:51 pm
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ure right, comparison is bad. At that time i think, thinking of avoiding comparison all together didnt come in my mind. Maybe the thought "everyone can to go to hell, and i have my life, she has her own, our backgrounds are different etc.", didnt come to me.

Right now, i'm not thinking about this girl. hope not to do so, too again. today i seemed to think for a moment each of us have our own ways of getting pleasures in life. Like for a prince, having a very luxirious drink might have the same pleasure as a person living on a farm having simple fruit juice. you know ... like that.

so if she feels pleasure in what she's doing, i might find the same pleasre in doing something else, but which might be actually different from what shes doing.

i know i shouldnt compare ...
my mom always did that to me "look at HIM, see how well dressed he is? see how decent he was? how good grades he got? HE's got the same money as you have, if HE can do it why cant YOU??"

i gotta get rid of this comparison thing ..
Its SO painful for me when i do it .. ! (like what i just did with this girl)

I do it often, and most of the times i'm fighting, tying to stop myself from comparing, turning my face away from them, trying to focus my attention on myself or to distract. But currently, it sometimes still goes on in the back of my mind.

The other thing too, was just because i was looking at them and comparing. right now, thankgod, its lessened. i just looked at what i wrote about them (she breaking up with him and coming to me..etc.) and i know i was feeling very bad at that time. right now, i'm not agreeing with what i had said.

b/w, i wonder what MPD really is. Do my mood swings mean i have MPD? If at times i feel at the top of the world, at others right at the bottom, and at times i'm taking part in good discussion, at others i just feel blocked. At times people will respect me, pay attention to me, at others, they'll ignore me. At times i'll have high self-esteem, at others i'll feel so low. Like today i talked to a girl who i know liked me when i talked to her the first time. I was high at that time (high self-esteem). The second time i wasnt feeling good at all (low self-esteem!) and she was discouraged and went away. today i caught her again, i was in a good mood, high self-esteem somewhat and she went "wait, let me check, are you the same [myname]". Then she went again "i'm confused, are u really [myname]"

and today i finally told her that yes it was me, it was just because some days were better. i told her indirectly i had mood swings. I think she still didnt like the fact, she got uncomfortable and 'ran away'. but i dont care about her ne more! i think she expects the other person to be a super-man which i definitely am not.

i hate to be someone who has consistent low self-esteem, and someone who'll have it, but not know about it and act fake. To be consistently bad (i.e have low self-esteem and not know about it!) is worse than having mood swings. At least what you feel is real! and i'm trying to develop a habit of not hiding my true self from people. Before, i used to act like 'super-man' ... trying to appear high and what not. I know now, that it never works that way.
i've made a few female friends who know the real me and i even tell them i have relationship and intimacy problems. Some of them said 'me too!'. That way you definitely get closer to the other person, and everything is real no matter how bad or good ure feeling. I think this is the beginning. I've got to be real and stop being afraid of people altogether! Gotta have more courage and faith in myself!

June 18, 2000
9:55 am
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heartfelt
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As I've read all the posts about inner child, the events, circumstances, traumas, and all the stuff about how we came to lose touch with the foundation of who we are has been brought forth,,,,,,self esteem, abuse, neglect, sexual abuse, abandonment, emotional abuse, and so on..now it's time to in my view to share how those of us have come to know, or at least parts, of the miraculous gift of touching and beginning to heal those unhealthy parts of our child self that have kept us in chains for far to long. To acknowledge that we ourselves have kept the chains locked, for we had not a clue as to how to open the path to freedom from self.....later to day , I'll share the best I can with brutal honesty how I came to be where I am today, with a long way to go I might add. In order to do this , I must go to my library within to pull down myself and look once again, it will just take some time, but the heart of the matter..it is time

June 18, 2000
7:10 pm
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thanks heartfelt, i'll be looking forward to that..!

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