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getting in touch with the child within - part II (getting too long to load)
June 5, 2000
7:31 pm
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whew, guest.....
long time no see, I'm not coming here regularly, lately. Things sound really bad over at your place.

Well, I can tell you from here keeping a kitten helps only so much. My cat (not a kitten, rather a senior tom cat veteran) kept me up and awake and AT WORK for the last 6 hours. It's now 1.30 am over here and he just choose to come back. So now we can pack our things and go home. I guess if he was human he'd have to listen to some things I'd have to say about that behaviour.

Well, I don't really have any advice for your situation. I just hope you get your head out of the ground again some time soon and I wish you well. - eve - 🙂

June 5, 2000
7:51 pm
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guest guest......for now while you're burying your head, take a bamboo stick to the surface so you can breath, ok? Bradshaw's tough stuff is'nt it? In some of your earlier postings you were feeling it, I could tell, that's good, painful yeh, I know but good. Nobody's going to kill you but you and my friend , that's to easy. The trouble today is some like the easy way of things and really don't care how they get their needs met. The question is are they healthy or unhealthy needs. My way or the highway? Or are they willing to challange themselves to learn and believe what is true from deep within. All will begin to be ok, and peaceful. The life gifts that lay in front of you when you come up from the sand, work at it, and accept that their are those who have been there, walked out and those who are there and won't come out. Choice? Your not on a time schedule to change what you want to in your life, remember that. Also remember there are no quick fixes, women, cars, money, nothing for what you seek. Focus on the blessings you have, and you do have them. Ever write them down? Trust me, not everyone would tackle Homecoming as you have, get to the heart of the matter....your not alone, maybe you want to be , but sorry to fill you in that your not.

June 5, 2000
9:25 pm
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thanks eve ..

heartfelt, i havent really tackled bradshaw yet. i have yet to start the real work as he says. i know material things dont matter, i know that once i'll be alright, these things wont matter to me. have u read homecoming, and done it?

June 6, 2000
8:05 am
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guest=guest yes I have read the book, but I remind you that as in any book, theraputic setting, self help groups, journaling, or whatever, the work has to begin...we have to start somewhere. One thing at a time. I know how it feels to bounch off the walls, confusion, chaos, anger, hopelessness, fear and so on. I'll share something with you....my mother was no mother in the sense of nurturing her children....today, I love my mother because she's my mother, one of the two people that allowed me into this world. But, I do not LIKE my mother. There's a difference...I called her a few years back when I was dealing with issue regarding her, and said to her " Mom, you know that I have never really felt loved by you"..that little boy...in his forties at the time of this call. As I finished saying those words she lashed out in anger and said, "well, how do you think I felt"......my point guest=guest is that I did my homework, research, family research and when I made that call , it was for me. I knew what the response would be and prepared myself for it, but the gift was letting go of what was'nt mine. For all those years, I thought they were mine, a unworthy son in my mother's eyes...but the reality is that her response was about her not me. People do this in order to deny responsibility and accountability for their actions. My response was to my mom was I'm sorry those things happened to you but they were not about me, so you see re-claiming yourself by learning about the concepts of the cycle. Re-parenting yourself so you can move on. As you asked 'have I done it'.? Yeh, I've done it, and the beauty is I will continue to learn and pursue a soft warming from within until it's time to change lifestyles..... When one gets sick and tired of being sick and tired , the thirst kicks in for the quenching within the heart.

June 6, 2000
11:23 am
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ok .. nice .. thanks for sharing heartfelt.. i hope to get through it too...

well, tez and hazza, that girl told me that it would be better if i did not come. she said she couldnt think it was possible now.
whoa ..

thats the first time she said NO to me. I always told her what i felt even if i felt i wanted her to go away. I had told her many times that we could not go on together and once or twice i told her to stop all contact with me and just forget me. and she said she had a very high tolerance level! ... whoa... someone has to be THAT tolerant for me? someone like HER said (indirectly) that i had gone over the tolerance level. Which means i really bugged her. She said she had stopped hoping anything from this relationship now. cool huh? ..

well .. so this is my FIRST failed relationship. and this was with someone who had a 'high' tolerance level. i wonder what would happen if i came across ppl who had lower tolerance levels. she said she couldnt hurt anyone. Considering her soft nature, if she said we couldnt go on together i guess i'm REALLY bad.

my first failed relationship ... we really did love one another at one time but it came to the point when first i said we couldnt go on together and i had to heal first. And then SHE said she couldnt hope anything further out of this and said it would be better if i didnt come to meet her.

i dont know if i should now refrain from relationships and concentrate on healing myself or keep trying for others. my guess is that i should stop any relationships now and concentrate on myself. i know it will never work if i dont work.

hmph...

June 6, 2000
2:08 pm
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rejections rejections rejections ...
thats all i've been getting from girls. Even though if i look at it this was the first time i told a girl everything. Before that, i would pretend to be a super man with them. that would only work for a very small time then it would be unevitable for me to return back, and my low self-esteem insecurity would show up and they would run away.

but last night i reminded myself that my quest for solving my problems really started 4 years ago.
4 years ago i only knew that i wanted to be happy always and not be depressed always. i had trouble doing simple things in life, doing my duties and saw others who could do it with ease. At that time i would often think why why why?
and how how how.
i would try to correct things by thinking i've just got to be strong.

then about 1.5 years ago, i really became depressed. It was such a bad time. Actually it was a time when i would be alone, and have nothing to do. I've heard insecure people hate being alone and have nothing to do, because they have feelings of emptiness and worthless creep on them. The start to think life is not worth and they have failed.

thats what happened to me. I started journaling for the first time, writing down every thought i would have. i searched on the net for depression and its causes and i think i stumbled on the fact that your upbrining has to do a lot about what you are right now. For the first time i started to look back at what had happened in my childhood. I wrote even those things down, whatever i remembered of my childhood.

during all these times i would sometimes make attempts (but very few since i was shy) to make girl friends but it failed. i never had a girl friend. Maybe the conservative culture had something to do with it too, but the thing was ofcourse mainly with myself.

About 1.5 years ago i was also occupied with making study and career plans and it was a tough time, getting admissions, doing all the things. I dont know how i did those things, getting admissions abroad is tough. Especially i had had not prior plans of coming here, i really didnt have rich parents. It was all a stroke of wild luck.

During that time i also saw that my family really lacked in certain things and my parents had sort of failed and they werent my ideal now. The rest of my family also failed according to what actually should have been. They're all insecure ppl. I'm just commenting, not blaming or branding them. Almost all of my mothers family is pathetic. Insecure stupid people. My fathers side too, is bad. My father is the better of them i guess. Still he doesnt enjoy life and shows signs of co-depency. Like fear of intimacy and engulfment. mood swings. controlling his wife. Always wanting to do somthing, workaholic, never talking to his children much, but talk in social gatherings which would surprise me at times. I think at first i just thought i wasnt worth to be shared with. Later at one time when i was studying myself, problems and childhood, i knew it was his fault that he didnt share, not mine. it doesnt matter now i guess, if he talks or not.

His family side, his sister is a violent angry vicious women, she's scartched her husband's back in anger, broken the car's windscreen and what not. Just afew examples of the vicious angry women she is. She beat her brother(my father) till he was almost as old as me, in university. My fathers mother is a big liar, always blaming her son when finding the chance and make him guilty that he doesnt care enough about her.

We children have seen bad domestic violence in the family. We would watch our parents shout at one another, my father hurl abusive words at her like 'bitch stop barking!", and then when she wouldnt shut up, he woudl beat her, shove her, throw her off the bed, hair pulling and what not. i dont know ...
it ended when we got older .. but all of us got to see it in our childhoods. And then we would be making decisions whose fault it would be and who to go with, sleep with. If we slept with one, or took sides, the other would mind.

we would be outside the room, hearing everything, terrified to go inside, least he beat us too.

Then my fathers side ... his nephwe i think .. he got divorced too. A young man and only 1 year in maraige maybe, a nice wife, and look what happened again! ...
my father's sister's husband, as i told u he was beaten at some occasions and he ran away and came to my fathers' house and showed him the marks on his body. Then they were almost ready to separate about 1 yeasr ago and came back. His husband can also get very angry, but he acts on his wife's commands although he's make the impression that he's his own man.

then my father's sister's daugheters .. or i guess nieces, one of them is controlling towards her husband. I saw it. I've ehard them talking about husbands that they should be controleld and be had at your feet all the time like faithful dogs or soemthing.

My mothers side, her sisters mainly, all have pathetic marraiges, i dont know why they're living with their husbands. I dont see any sign of bonding or love there. And their children ... get this ..
one of my cousins married but the other family sent her back home because they said she doesnt do anything except sit in the room all day long and she doesnt talk to anyone!
imagine being married and having been sent back home! it can get THAt pathetic??

then my ther cousin, he almost married someone, but right in the end he refused. It was a shock to everyone because everyone thought he would marry her!
my other cousin has a pathetic marraige, with no bonding and i see they dont have any love between them. Their children are small but their mother is impatient with them, and controlling. Their father is a cold person, i'e the parents deal with the children and then when you look at the children its obvious there too, how unloved they are.

my sister was also about to be married to someone. I didnt approve of them but everyone else thought it was ok. They were fake people and i didnt see any sign that my brother-in-law-to-be loved her wife-to-be. Neither did she love him! And i would think why the hell are they doing this?

But i only knew it from my guts, that it wasnt right. I knew if i told my parents that i didnt think it was right, i kenw i wouldnt be able to give them any reasons. I only just knew it, maybe i couldnt express it at that time.

Maybe they dont know what real love is. I mean you can see how they could not see it would not work out. Then the maraige was cancelled at the last possible moment! ..

my other sister ... there's not much love there either. I mean i've sen my sister and i know HER. insecure, comforming, CONSCIOS all the time, sit this way, do this, do that, talk like this and what not. Very mannered. Infact thats what her inlaws were impressed with, that she was so mannered and decent. But she was beathen as a child. My mother to this day says that 'she got a lot of beating from me and thats what made her so mannered and thats why people think so high of her and praise her daughter, because she is so well behaved'

Now i know there is little love between her and her husband. Her husband i think is just like her, very behaved and mannered. But hes better than my sister, i still dont know why he married her. Couldnt he see through her .. ? Why didnt he marry someone he really loved ??

so people, these are my family tales!
thats where i come from! ..

and i think its going to be SO hard ... having a nice loving relationship in MY life ...

dont u think so? ..

i feel i've been born in a shithole ... it looks impossible right now, imagining that i'm going to get out of it.

I mean if all your family's seem to have crooked backs, i strongly suspect i'm going to be like them too! ...

and then this new failed relationship ... she said she didnt it possible to go any further. It sinks my heart sometimes to think of it now, at other times, i'm able to give the damn-care attitude about it and not let me get down due to it.

But this is the first relation. I guess i could have it worse. It ended soon enough, and not like we were going out for a coule of yers or even in marraige. A failed marraige would be bad i guess. Maybe i'm lucky to have gotten away with only this. BUT .. there's no gaurantee that my next relationship will also be like this.
relationship that is .. IF any !

I guess i'm young right now and have time. I dont want to be 40 and realize i had been wrong, i think that was true in bradshaw's case too. He was married and with kids when he realized he had to get better and that the source of his problems was inside him and he had to corret his insides. BUT ... i think he recovered .. and thats what matters i guess.

If you broke your leg and could'nt walk for 50 years of your life, but u got a new leg at 50 yrs old, it still would'nt be bad. I mean better late then never right ??

I feel i've started young, and not at 40 or something. I feel i'm always in a hurry, and most of the times keep thinking that i've been struggling all my life to get myself right, when infact it has only been about 2 years i've been trying to work on myself.

i hope i can do it. thats all i can say right now. thanks for listening ppl. comments are welcome ..!

June 6, 2000
2:25 pm
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as i look back .. the lonely, dusty road through the desert i was travelling on, i look back and see a wreckage, a fire, the building burned to the ground, with nothing left. That was my relationship ...
i dont know what lies ahead .. i cant seen anything aehad and dont want to.

it just seems a long endless road ... i cant see anything coming up. I want to get away from this wreckage as soon as i can but everytime i look back i see its still there and its scary because right now it still seems as near as it was before! ..

it reminds me that i was responsible for the destruction of the building. actually i was listening to a sad piece of music, maybe thats what made me right this. but still ...

sniff .... hmph ... sigh !! ..

June 6, 2000
3:09 pm
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guest guest......may you not suffer , may you be at peace..may the sun shine on your face and the wind be at your back.......it's very good to hear you talk about your family and it appears to me you see very well the cycle of co-dependent behavior when you want to. You seem to be the only one in the family, from what you've described. to recognize and want change. You don't want your life to be a carbon copy.sooooooooo....what do you do.....exacty what you just did. Keep talking, facts,reality. You will not fall apart, you know why? Because you want more, much more in life. You said it yourself. Don't make the mistake of looking outside yourself to fulfill your birthright. See GG, All know how painful it is to let it out, and you need to hear that it's safe. Family history is interesting is'nt it. That's why they call it history, it keeps repeating itself. Maybe it's time to write a new chapter eh?

June 6, 2000
4:15 pm
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🙂 .. time to write a new chapter.. hehe...
yea ure right .. that was good..

yes... i need only to look inside. I forget that at times, thinking that maybe i'll be better if a better body, or there will be some urge in me to find a girl, etc. My mind, at times seems to make the happness rely on the future, that things will be better IF that or anything else happens. I know it has to come from inside me. I must keep reminding myself all the time.

Although to write the new chapter seems SOOOO impossible. Its like a person weighing a 100 pounds thinking of lifting a 1000 pounds when he can barely carry his own weight.

June 6, 2000
4:26 pm
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GG.....don't forget there is strength in numbers....

June 6, 2000
5:03 pm
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i didnt get it ... ?

June 6, 2000
5:48 pm
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i just lay down for 10 minutes or so (my back was aching.. again!!), and as i was drifting off i got an image in my mind. It happens some times to me, when i'm just about to doze off, sort of between full consiosness and full sleep, i'll get an image or a scene appear in my mind for a short time. i'll share with you all, the image, it was full of joy.

i saw a little girl, maybe 2 or 3 years old, cute and chubby, dressed in a red shirt and black trousers. she was sitting. someone said 1, she put her hands up, 2 she put them down around her tummy and 3 i dont know.
she was just so spontanous, just happy, and innocent, enjoying this game.

when this scene came in my mind, i felt so much joy that i smiled my widest possible smile, infact it was so full of joy that it snapped me back into concious as i gasped and smiled at the girl.

it was sooo ... i dont know.. happy, so full of joy. My whole body overflowed with the feeling and i woke up. The smile and joy was all i could feel for a split second or too.

images like this come to my mind from time to time, but rarely like once in two weeks, and i'm awoken by their joy, smiling. and then going back to sleep, feeling a little lighter and funny. i think this one was especially cute. sometimes but rarely i've had bad image too. i'll share them as i get them.
though,the joy goes away when i wake up.

i dont know why it happens ... i wonder how that little girl came to my mind!! ... i remember her clothes, her chubby face, black eyes .. and her playfullness and her joy at being able to play that game! ..

June 6, 2000
7:51 pm
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Guest_guest: Since you don't believe in the presence of angels or spirits from the here-after, then you will have to be satisfied with just an image. I prefer to think of your images as messages from the one you profess to hate so vehemantly: Spirit. Just showing you how it can be, should you decide to move forward.

Okay, we could swap stories and vote on who had the worst childhood, however, that would serve no worldly good. You are much stronger for sharing, even though you probably had a moment of doubt in doing so. Thank you for stepping out into the light and letting shine in some of the dark resesses of your mind. The past is the past, the future is yours to grab hold of and turn into something wonderful for yourself.

As to the breakup. From what I've read, you did everything you could to test her to see just how far you could push her before she cried "uncle." Seemed to me you were playing out some dramas, and she didn't have the script. Are you familiar with the four types of dramas people play out. There's the Poor Me, the Aloof, the Interrigator, and the worst of them all, the Intimidator. A parent who is an Intimidator will raise either a Poor Me, or another Intimidator. The Interrigator raises an Aloof child, or an Intimidator, because of the constent barage of questions asked. Reverse the first two, the Poor Me and the Aloof changing the roles, parent as the aforementioned two, and the child as the Interrigator and Intimidator. Did I explain that well enough? Not a blame game, just an insight as to what is, and what can be done to reverse the dramas played out. I, myself have seen where I fit into the drama scene, and have used each one successfully to defuse situations, and to not fall into the dramas others play out. When you catch yourself in one of these, and the recipient isn't responding favorably, change your drama. Its not manipulation, just redirecting human behavior.

In order to change the behavior of another, we must first change our own.

May peace be your salvation...

June 6, 2000
8:47 pm
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which drama was i playing before and which should i play now?

(between the next show starts at 9 pm so hurry up and grab your seats before w're sold out!! .. hehe.. just kidding! 🙂 .. )

well .. u know.. actually i didnt try very hard in this relationship. And i think there should be no relation in which we're trying tOO hard. It should come naturally right? after all, at one time or the other the fules going to finish and we'll snap back. The once all the time nice person will suddenly become angry and vicious, right?

thats why i thought that this time i would tell her everything, in my bad moods or good ones, whatever i was feeling. I would even tell her that i didnt want to be in this thing and it wasnt going to work out. I think it SHE on the other hand who had been trying so hard, because as i said, she said she had a high tolerance level. And its true, who would have listened to my mood swings in all thos times? Many others would have stopped responding to me not but not she. And thats what i told her too. I told her she was being too hard on herself for bearing so many things.

and u know.. i never thought that she should be the one to change. i know its me and only me who has to change. only then will my world change.

i'm thinking of looking into OBE and NDE's to see if there is any evidence of spirits. Spirit the only reason why i dont want to belive in god is that theres so trouble in my life. I dont know... maybe i dont want to recognize the existence of a great loving being, who can love unconditionally. Maybe if i heal, i'll be able to beleive in the creator, if any.

June 7, 2000
7:06 am
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Guest_guest: Did you tell her what you KNOW in your heart about her? Yes, relationships should come naturally; however, there is still an amount of work to be done in one. A give and take. If a person only lives in the "I think, I feel, I want" world, the knowing gets stuffed in the far back corners of the heart. Takes a lot of sifting through to get to the truth, the heart of the matter. If more people gave their relationships the amount of time they spend on persuing the think, feel, wants of their lives, there would be less heartaches. By the way, we're still here. You have yet to realize the fact that you get unconditional love from your unseen friends. Hopefully, you will find peace in that love.

June 7, 2000
8:08 pm
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Guest-guest.

As Spirit says, "By the way, we're still here." I'm still here too. I'm not responding much, because I think you are getting a wealth of wisdom as it is. It's going to take you time to digest it all.

Spirit also said, "You have yet to realize the fact that you get unconditional love from your unseen friends."

Guest-guest, old mate, is it too hard to accept the possibility that there just might be something intangible inside the core of your being that is beyond price? That it might be worth looking for?

June 7, 2000
8:58 pm
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spirit i think i told her everything. u know thats what i THINK. i mean theres a chance you think ure telling the truth and everything but you never know you might be unconciously hiding some things but dont know or dont want to go there. but yea.. i would tell her everything.
i told her we would go along just fine only if i recovered. But then would i be fine with everyone if i got alright? and then it wouldnt matter who i was with ? i dont know ..
at times we felt we were going just fine. we were so happy at that time. But mood swings were alawys there, at my side and her side too.

but i think she expected me to be alright. How could i be? after all this damage in me. today i was sort of thinking of giving myself time to ehal like 10 years or so. Thats what i've ehard from some people, who're like me. i mean thats the type of time frame i'm looking at. I was in a hurry to get alright, because i thought i should recover before i got married so i made a nice choice for my wife. BUT .. it doesnt look like i'll be alright in 2 or 3 years. it might take longer. i dont know what the future holds thought.

and although she said she didnt mind my moods and stuff she would definately have preferred if i didnt have them. In the end after i kept saying sorry to her for my mood swings, coz i knew they would disturb her, she finally admitted that at times she got gugged by my instability.

the work u said in a relationship is the work we have to do on ourselves right? after we do that, our relationships can go on without problem. i know.

thanks for being there. although i dont know how to accept your unconditional love. i'm a snarling, vicious kitten (like tez once told a story about) not ready to acknowledge love because maybe i cant accept that i'm being loved. you know when people try to pay attention to me, or praise me, most of the times i'll react in a discouraging manner, not acknowldeging the praise, or good feelings. Its like if someone will say hi how are you? i wont reply as enthusiastically as they did. i'll sort of keep my distance, not let them be frank with me. I'll get uncomfortable! so the next time they arent so enthusiastic too. Thats what happens in MOST of all my human relationships, friends or meeting new people. and then later i'll be guilty about it that i wish i had been enthusiactic too, so he didnt have to lessen his interest in me.
but i fight these feelings of guilt or remorse now, saying to myself that everyone can go to hell. That helps me get rid of the obession about caring too much what others are thinking of me ... but for a short time. sometimes i wonder whether i'm just pretending to be free of the obsesion or is it really working? Maybe my being free of that obsession is itself something that will impress people !!! ... shit ... looks like a vicious circle right ?

aaaaaaaa .. my mind is going crazy. better go ..

i was thinking if i recover what difference would there be between me whos recovered and people who're already alright? will i have something they dont ?

June 7, 2000
9:04 pm
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i dont know tez... i'm crying right now ...

i just dont know...

June 7, 2000
9:19 pm
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is it unfair or untrue if its actually sad music thats helping u cry ? coz i just did have sad music in the background.

and i dont feel that much crying after 10 minutes. i dont know whether my crying was real, or induced. i dont know ...

maybe i should be crying right now, amybe it would help me. Am i loosing out by not being able to cry? Would it be a good idea to help me cry (i dont want spanking thats for sure .. hehe.. 😛 .. but a good movie or somthing..)

between theres another bad thing... i was raeding about it. when u become funny when there is a need to be serious, then thats not good, because maybe at times unless u dont get serious, u dont gain.

i dont know... again !

June 7, 2000
9:27 pm
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why the hell am i always in a hurry ?? most of the times, i feel i have to do SO much, but i'm doing not enough ! i feel time just slips away and i'm not availing it ..!

i wish i could just find peace when i'm doing nothing at all ... isnt that the mark of people who're at peace with themselves ?

June 7, 2000
11:04 pm
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Guest_guest: Slow down, dude. Remember the posting I wrote about crying and not knowing the whys of it all? Its okay not to really know what it is that triggers you to cry. Sometimes, well, you just have to let it out that way. It's a way of healing.

Telling the world and all the people in it to go to h-e double hockey sticks is the easy way out. I have been known to take that route when I don't have the energy to deal with THINGS. Once the energy returns, watch out world, here I come. Don't be so hard on yourself. You have a lot of conditioned response to work through. Take one at a time. Conquer it, then progress on. You have told so much about your beginnings. Me thinks you have conquered some of your fears of being accepted, whether you realize it or not. To h-e double hockey sticks to what the rest of the world thinks about you, what matters is what you think about yourself. You are _____, you fill in the blanks. Be positive.

Tez: Are there any koala bears near where you live? I lived in a state where they would grow eucalyptus trees on the side of the freeway and cut the tops off of them to feed to the koala bears in the zoo. What a wonderful thing to be able to see them in their natural habitat.

To the rest of the unseen friends, may you have a wonderful time having a water fight with your spouse, children, neighbors, whoever. Peace comes when we least expect it.

June 8, 2000
1:30 am
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thanks..

June 12, 2000
5:27 pm
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heartfelt, u there .. ?

June 12, 2000
7:23 pm
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tez long time no see. Why? I thought of some options. so which one is it? 😛 ..
(just testing my guts)

1. You were depressed and didnt feel like coming. depressed can also fall in categories so:
a. You were obsessed about this site and didnt feel like coming here and it made u feel even more stink coz one part of u wanted to come here, but the other didnt. OR:
b. you were obsessed about coming, but the part in you i described in part (a) wasnt there in you, so you basically gave a damn about it and didnt come here. This is i think better than being as in part (a). seems u would be listening to ur inner child. OR:
c. you were depressed but because of other thigns and maybe u didnt just find 'mental' time to come here.
d. or could it any people concuios thing ? .. 😛 ..

2. you were happy, but:
a. You were compleltey happy and didnt think about coming here. i mean u felt u were obsessed but at the moment u didnt weant to come here, u didnt. This is the best case because u listened to ur inenr child. you were more liberated and thus happiness will always be what u search for and get.

i dont know .. if u ask me .. i think u were like just in 2.a
maybe u werent that happy but atleast not depressed. maybe just nuetral and in control.

just testing my guts!

June 12, 2000
8:50 pm
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