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getting in touch with the child within - part II (getting too long to load)
June 1, 2000
11:57 pm
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Hi guys, this was getting too long to load so i started a new one. Here's the last post on the old thread, for continuity.

-----------------

Spirit
1-Jun-00

guest_guest: It is very difficult to accept that which is foreign to you. If you are not used to having people care about YOU, and not about your looks, money, etc, then, yes, it is most difficult to accept that we are here for you, YOU. Ego drives us to feel less important as well. Its not just about feeling important, it also tells us we're not worthy of positive attention. "Your Sacred Self" is a great book about how ego works in our lives, and why it is important to divorce ourselves from letting it be the ruler. Its like the little voice inside your head telling that you can't do something you really have a heart's desire to do, or telling you that this person, or that person really doesn't like you. Then when we let loose and try to override ego, we find ourselves flat on our faces, then ego comes along and says, "Nanny, nanny boo boo, I told you (blah, blah, blah)" Once ego is taken under control, we can then begin to have control of our lives, in the higher self. Living by what we KNOW instead of what we think, feel or want.

Tez: Dry spell downunder? No mud puddles? At 58 you still have a lot of kid in you, at least I hope so, since I will be there, one of these years, at least I hope so.

Hazza: I'm with you, kid. If I must be labeled a co-dep, then I'll wear it proudly, if it means I care about people enough to reach out and hold their hand through rocky times. I say this world needs more of us!!! Okay, not extreme, but with enough traits as to bring back common courteousy. If you're ever on this side of the water, we'll have to fill up the whirlpool and you can take a dip. Bring your own bubbles, these are mine. (just KIDding). I'll save you some (hope they'll keep in a zip-lock)

Brenda: In the short amount of time I have been a visitor to this site, I can truly say you have grown. Your time to do so. How's things at home? You are giving so much of yourself, I'm just concerned about the homefront.

Heartfelt: Are you holding out also? Would love to hear about your innerchild's play. You have a very soft heart. Let's see, butterflies and rainbow sliding...

June 2, 2000
3:11 am
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Hey there Guest,

I like the idea of putting up the last post for courtesy.

See what a clever bunny you are! I would never have thought of that.

spirit: I agree, as i have said before lets not throw the baby out with the bath water! lets keep caring anyway. When you feel pain yourself it is natural to want to help others - I wish that more people had shown me some compassion along the way.
So if I am ever in town, I'll bring my own bubbles anyway!! that way we will have more! but after that we must go watch the blue jays!!

When I went to Canada, I was so obsessed with these birds that the neighbour of the people I was staying with made me a wooden Bluejay and painted it up! How nice was that!!! I have it sitting on my shelf at home and when I look at it, it reminds me that I had the strength to take the risk to travel over there and that sometimes people are really nice! thats 2 great things to remember in the tough times!
Still got a lot of growing to do, but I am getting there I guess!

Brenda: Hows it going? Junior made an appearence yet? how have the family dymanics changed since your own growth? I bet it has gotten so much happier around you too now. hugs to you you sound great.

Tez: what can I say? is it an Aussie thing? We do know you are a hetero you know!!!!
only kidding, I know why you say it just had to tease you about it!
put another wallaby on the barbie for me!
you sound like you are very good now at recognising these inner voices - got any tips?

Heartfelt: I agree with spirit, lets hear more about you!!

Peace all
Haz

June 2, 2000
5:22 am
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Hazza,
u said that we know its our anxiety thats speaks at times. Well, many times i know i'm frustrated but knwing that doesnt stop the bad thoughts coming in. Like most of the times it happens when there's too much work to do, i'll keep posponing it till the last moment. And at the last moment i'm just so frustrated, naturally. Everything looks like it will fail! .. today it happened the same thing with me. I had so much work to do and just handed in my work at the last possible moment. I wish i could do it before time like other people!! So today when i was working furiously, and yesterday too, it looked obvious that i failed in studies. Then i started thinking extremes like if studies arent working nothing else is going to work too ! ...
i mean when i'm in anxiety i'll still keep thinking that whatever i'm thinking is real.

i've wondered how to act when i'm burdened with work like this. I DO know i shouldnt be looking around and seeing how i'm failing and how others are doing better. I've seen some ppl who sort of shut themselves from others when they are in pressure. i'm working on it ..

but u know ure right .. i've started to tell myself at tiems that i'm just tense and things will get better when things will get better .. ! .. i try to console myself at times. At other times i'm not too successful as i said. But atleast i've STARTED feeling sometimes that the reason i'm just feeling bad about myself is probably that there's too much work. When the work will be over, i'll feel better. I'm trying to see the feedback on this now. somtimes my prediction that i'll feel better isnt right. Like if i'll say i'll feel better if i have something to eat, take a bath , SOMEtimes it doesnt work. Maybe if i dont obsess about it too much, it will work best. Maybe i'm expecting TOO much out of it and when i dont get what iwas expecting, that even makes me lose even that which i might have gained if i was not expecting too much. make sense i hope. But yea... working on it. I'm trying to see how to keep me happy. i think thats what u and tez said.

hazaa the worst fear ... u asked, in telling her, is that i'll lose her. I know one thing. Well i told her before but i sort of withdrew in a mad way. she got scared and now she says she wont fall in love ever again.
and NOW i know one thing .. unless i dont finf personal happiness i wont get her. Even if i did, as tez said, it would be probably painful co-dependency. Anything but that .!! .. 😐

amd shes right in saying that she doesnt want to fall in love. Because it was painful for her the last time ..! maybe she'll wait for things to settle down.

i did try counseling about 3 times, but not from professionals. also they were for short while. everytime i would quit, thinking it wasnt working and wasnt any use. i might continue it later. right now i want to see how much i can do by myself by reading that book. well .. also i cant afford the professional fees (thats y i took the non-profesional ones b4)

and medicines .. i dont agree with them as yet ..i think of them as a high. Even though some ppl say depression is chemical imbalance in the brain. for my case i know it isnt, it just comes from my low self-esteem. (hehe .. tez if ony i got a cent each time i said this word..!)

maybe i'll use medicine if i had to, but later. i'm not comfortable with the idea yet.

Thanks heartfelt .. and Brenda ..

and Tez .. ! .. 🙂 .. thanks for atleast clearing ONE doubt which i always had why u cared about me .. ! ..:P .. haha ..just kiding ..! ..
thanks again ..

spirit i'm working on one book right now, homecoming. i want to finish with that first. i expect a lot from it if i do it right ..

anyways ppl ... sometimes i feel obsessed and dont feel like coming here. If u guys see i didnt reply, just accept my apologies. I probably wasnt either feeling like coming here and i just didnt want to. bad and good(or just in denial maybe) moods.
just carry on if i dont come. i'll hopefully catch u later at some time.

i really want to do this book ..
it promises so much and just what i need.

June 2, 2000
7:30 am
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Hey there Guest,
Youa re starting to get it!

When you start trying to distinguish the different voices in your head it takes time and practice.

You don't get it straight away, I am still learning this shit too!

But youa re heading in the right direction.

I understand that you feel overworked.
This is my worst problem too, when i have a lot to do, i cannot face the though of doing it anything less than PERFECT. so that is SO mich pressure that i don't know where to start and end up sitting there worrying and getting nowhere!!

I am myself practicing learning to not expect so much of myself and allow myself to be less than perfect.

I see what you mean about not telling your friend.

She care so much for you that she cannot risk falling in love with you again if there is a risk of you rejecting her through your own fears.

I guess what i mean is that have you explained this to her?
You can tell her how much she and her friendship means to you and that you hope that she and you can be friends whilest you work this stuff out?
Have you told her why it is that you get cold feet sometimes?

Maybe just tell her that you need to be able to love yourself first, then you would be able to belive her also when she told you she liked you.

It sounds like she cares a lot for you, you don't have to form a relationship with her in a romatic sense, just be able to enjoy your friendship and let her know how much she means to you.

After all, if you were ready for a relationship with anyone right now, it would be her wouldn't it?

SO, youa re starting on a big journey my friend, its not a pleasent ride all the time, but the destination is grand!

Sometimes even if you recognise the voice of anxiety, yes, it doesn't stop you FEELING anxiety. that is not the point. you know what it is, and you know it will pass. You know not to take too much notice of your thoughts while you feel this way.
And gradually, you start to see things clearer, what is real and what is anxiety / insecurity.

It takes time and practice, but it does work so don't lose heart.
Just keep questioning those voices. If it is anxiety speaking, then wait - let it pass - read a good book while you wait!

Don't ever sit there wishing it to go sooner - that only increases anxiety and creates a vicious circle.
just let it tkae its own time, while you ignore it as best you can and distract yoruself with something else.

I too, have to make myself eat - quite often my anxiety gives me Nausea so i feel too sick to eat. But i know that if i don't feed my body then it creates more problems and anxiety, so i just do what i need to do not what i feel like doing!

You'll get there guest. and you will be a better balanced, more patient and happier person from it.
Peace
Haz

June 2, 2000
7:57 pm
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Holding out? Would'nt dream of it. The little guy within is a wonderful friend, teacher and companion who undoubtedly helps and takes care in guiding me from within. He tells me when I'm safe, when I need to stick my neck out, when to meditate, and always loving me, showing me that I'm valued. We have a great love for humanity, always observent, forever cautious, stedfastly compassionate, and a passion for the difference between right and wrong. By no means are we anywhere near to our journey's end but loving the gifts, insights, hopes and growing is sooooooooo beautiful, although sometimes quite difficult lessons, but we would'nt change for life itself. We play drums, have for 35 years or so, and the energy unleashed through music is one of our gifts. Along time ago we started with the likes of Hendrix, Sinatra, Tony Bennett, Led Zepplin, Temtations, Marvin Gaye.....I could go on and on...Today our favorites to play are in the Jazz format, although we return to the forefront where we grew up. We love to play sports and be physically competitive, even amonst each other. He's my driving force, my buddy, my heart. One of our fondest memories is playing baseball. We pitched, and played first base, such great times....Tennis yeh... really any sports. Having fun many times is just being together, or with loved ones enjoying the beauty of creation...the beach, the forest, the stars the sky, making pictures with the passing clouds. We are definately live wired. powered by the sun. Must be the Scorpio. Fun is when we reach out to share what we've found and also what we must learn. He is always holding my hand, his soft little hand, innocent, trusting, he feels soooooooo safe with me and I with him, for we are one. It took along time to come home and the trip I would'nt change for the world. He watched as I was abused and the self abuser, the alcoholic=addict, the isolationist, the non conforming being who wanted nothing to do with society let alone authority. He just waited as I blocked out everything of value in life, just watched and waited until it was time. When the time came he embraced me , saying "i've been waiting for you". For almost twelve years we've been as one, and never shall we be apart again......Ice cream, rainbows, thunderstorms, children laughing, flowers, snowfalls, waterfalls, angels, are just a few things in our life that are just FUN.....We have a commitment to each other that truly comes with our growing and that is to give back, share and help with others who seek what we've found, it has to be. We listen and learn from others who have other insights that if applicable we will look to embrace into our life.....As the song goes 'The greatest love of all",

June 2, 2000
8:48 pm
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Guest-guest.

About that ONE doubt, twenty seven years ago at the end of my last great binge, I was taken in by an old Catholic priest. He fed and clothed me. When night time came, I was terrified to go to sleep. I kept my bum to the wall and one eye open all night. 🙂 I couldn't accept that anyone would help a stinking, filthy 'alchy' without an 'angle'. I just couldn't figure out what the angle was. Of course there was no ulterior motive. I later learnt that this priest was an ex-chaplain from one of our toughest jails. When I saw the priest in the movie, based on Victor Hugo's classic Les Miserables, save the guy who robbed him from prison, I remembered 'my priest'.

I got sober in AA and remained sober to this day. The priest died of alcoholism, defrocked both literally and clerically. He suffered from Korsokoffs syndrome caused by his alcoholism and went mad. I could do nothing for him. But he gave me a chance at life. He saw in me something of value that I have since come to see myself.

I have not wasted that chance. From a bum with no education other than that of from the 'university of hard knocks', I have worked hard at both my formal and informal education in as many areas as possible as my potentials and resources permitted. I have lived life to the fullest possible in both the cognitive and affective domains. This is how I have paid back my priestly benefactor for giving me the 'grace' to see myself through his eyes.

I would like to share one of my many twisted beliefs, that I used to have, with you Guest-guest. I used to get really 'shitted off' by hearing women say that they 'cared' about me. I used to think, "If you really cared about me, you'd drop your pants for me". If a guy said he cared about me, I immediately thought: "Huh, huh!! A bum bandit eh!!" I totally equated love and sex. Since I had no real experience of love to speak of, sex was my only known intimacy in my life. Now, I know that love is about giving as well as receiving in very diferent ways. I now know what the words, "You have to give to receive." mean. I thought Christ (I'm not a Christian) meant, "You have to give money away to receive money"; in other words I thought love was some kind of a trade - my money for your 'booty'. 🙂

I know know that love is about I-Thou, not I-it relationships, whatever form those relationships might take. Phew!! Sorry about gettin' a bit heavy, buddy.

'Namaste', Guest-guest. "I bough to the 'Light' within you."

June 2, 2000
10:42 pm
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hey hazza, home front is pretty good, not great cause he came home drunk yesterday after having dinner with a client, he says he only had two but i dont think so.
He drove in this state and I was and still am angry about this.
I realised that I can not control him or his drinking problem.
I said some intense prayers and surrendered his health and him to god in a way that gave me faith that things will actually turn out very well for him.
I cant explain, but I have really let go and I see the positive in him, everyone, in situations and in challenges....this ultimately brings about the positive. I am no longer controlling, nagging, manipulating nor do I live through him or any one else. I live for myself. I am in extreme self care mode and I LOVE IT!!!!
I am really connecting with my authentic self and I am so proud and happy of me.
Guest, you have really come out of that stagnation, you are prone to worry and go around in negative and catastrophic type thinking which is normal for those of us who were raised in chaotic and negative households, however, you need to write down your negative thoughts and really ask yourself, are these really realistic? If not, state the opposite and make this a part of your self talk.
Tez, you are an interesting character...I pray for your happiness.
You and Guest are pretty similar in some ways, yet totally different.
Yes, Hazza, I look back and how I and my life used to be, I can honestly say I have experienced nothing but miracles, every day I am so grateful, so grateful. Life truly is a beautiful thing guys. god bless

June 2, 2000
10:47 pm
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oh, I also wanted to say, if my hubby does not see the light, but gets lost in the darkness, the denial and the disease, and does NOT get help, I will not go down with him...I have come out of hell, not going back. If he admits his problem and actively gets help and is trying hard, well, I am behind him 100 percent.
You know, I have really learned to truly love my partner, as opposed to NEEDING him in a way that kept me from dealing with my own feelings of helplessness and low self worth.
We are both in this relationship with no enabling or controlling and we are left to face our own stuff. I have decided to take my insurance of of his vehicle, so if he gets in an accident while driving drunk, I will not be responsible. If he loses his licence, we lose our business. If he goes that far, im outta here. I have warned him and I know he knows, although he now denies he is an alcoholic, how arrogant.
He says he just has a drinking problem, whats the bloody difference.
I also admit that I am angry, but I deal with my anger assertively and in a constructive manner now, I also no longer get hysterical or threatening.
I must say, i am quite proud of myself...hehehe

June 3, 2000
9:38 am
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I'd like to continue my eventswhich allowed me to come to a point to address the issue of reclaiming the little guy within if I may......From the time I remember, Mom was always critical of me in regards that I could never do anything right. She disliked what friends I had, and never was what a mother seemingly is.nurturing. Dad was not around much, always working and mom would let him do the discipline when she pressured him into doing so through her own motives. roughly ages 10 through 13. Also during this time I had been sexually abused by three boys on a campout, think I mentioned this previously. Shame set in and beginnings of lost self took on a deeper meaning. During Jr. high I had, along with others been physically abused by three boys on a very regular basis. Punching, threats, fear. I told my parents but they did nothing,,,aLiving in fear came at a young age. My parents came to the conclusion, through sending me to a psycologist, that I needed more discipline, so off I went to military school for my high school years. The school was many states away, so my sense of abandonment was instilled to the highest degree. Many other boys at the school had the same or similar feelings. Homosexuality was not uncommon,particularly by the teachers with manipulative, coersive, and sexual advances. A nightmare. After high school, I enlisted in the army and sent to Vietnam, 18 years old dropped into a world unfamiliar to me, but some how adapted rather quickly due to past traumatic experiences in life. Landed in nam new years day, after getting married christmas eve to a young women who had concieved a baby with, my son....I don't want to get into Vietnam at this point other than the fact that a young man of eighteen grew to a much older man in a short period of time adding more internal turmoil....I came home a completely different person. I hitchhiked to my parents house never letting them know I was coming. When I walked into the door, my mother's words were "you look like a ghost....understandable to me.....I kicked around the country, running, hiding, trying to lose myself, but it did'nt work...Got married for the second time, have two daughters who live with me today, and stayed married for 17 years....a dysfunctioal seventeen years which I gladly ackowledge my part in the marriage....This is the point I bottomed out with my drinking and abusive behavior. I sought help going through about seven years of therapy, from chidhood issues, vietnam issues, relationship issues, parental issues, it feels like and has been the whole gambit of issues that in order to reclaim myself, I had to challage myself and others in order to begin to see and believe the reality of what happened and what I need to do to begin to surface from my depths. Many people held my hand along the way, and I;m told they could see that I wanted to break free from my self imposed bondage that had lasted all my life. I , with help literally ripped deep inside to begin to uncover the truths, the falicies, the deniel, the dysfunction and all the rest of the shit that goes along with finding out who I was and who I am meant to be. My thirst was so great, and still is to continue along the journey......would'nt trade it for the world. There is so much more in between these lines and I'd like to continue when draining becomes energy again.....thanks for letting me be heard, and for letting me hear all of you.

June 3, 2000
10:19 am
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Tez: The reason the question was asked on part one, was to hear what you, a seemingly serious person does to release the child within you. As the title of the thread is "Getting in touch with the child within" I was just a curious creature. The various activities you mentioned in part one, sound like great fun, but also like work. Just wanting to know that all who visit here take time to laugh and feel the light on their faces...By the by, that was a beautiful story of your guardian earth angel. May he rest in Spirit's arms in peace.

Heartfelt: I am so very touched by your journey. To come from so far away, to where you are today is an insperation. I pray that your journey continues to be full of discoveries within and without. Tell the little guy hi for me. And to both of you, Welcome Home.

Brenda: Your heart must feel so full of Light and Love. You have come a long way. Your journey, also, hasn't been an easy one, but, yet, it has been full of many valuable lessons, of which you pass on to others. To feel one's spirit dance freely is to feel Spirit in the very core that is you. I hope that your hubby realizes his lessons to be learned, before he misses out on the greatest gift of all: Life without self imposed hardships. Peace be with you.

June 3, 2000
4:18 pm
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Hopefully, I may continue breifly about the issue of Vietnam and the little boy. He was there with me full of the fear, unknown, adrenalin, and the thoughts if we'd ever come home. Today their is not a single day that goes by that at some point I don;t think about that time. I don't dwell on it very often except maybe for trigger times such as New years, fourth of july, loud noises, helicopters passing over among others. I've been on anti depressents for quite some time along with meds for anxiety. They help me remain in balance quite frankly......My awareness of my surroundings are acute, not parinoid, just very acute. It's in the nature of things for me. We have a low tolerance for abuse as I've expressed before, and don't candy coat issues and circumstances very well. We're more on the tough love plane of insight, and that;s ok. By no means does this say we have no compassion, for we do. The little guy went, saw and came home with me, it just took 20 more years for him to get off my boonies to allow him to shed his. We still have them, and honestly put them on occasionally just because it's a part of us....anyone who's been there knows that the constant cloak of fear and death has a effect on the heart. It either remains callous or will get past, to the degree one can to pass on our lessons.

June 4, 2000
5:01 am
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There is a place that is quite special that the little guy and I go sometimes and I'd like to share it with you. IT'S OUR WASH AND WEAR HAVEN....you walk down this long colorful hall seeing two huge doors at the end. As you walk the hall, the feeling becomes brighter and brighter. Almost a tickling sensation. Reaching the doors as you touch the handle the warmth of the heart is felt as you turn the knobs swinging both doors wide open..You stand in awe of the room created by the little guy. There is an incredible amount of lush green foliage, so many shades with flowers blossoming everywhere. Looking up you see the is no ceiling, only the blue sky with an occasional cloud passing by. The sun is warm and nurturing your skin as you walk into the huge room. The little guy is standing there smiling at you in anticipation of what's to come. Spiral staircases entertwine the folaige and flowers throughout the room. Swings and slides, singing birds, even a cotton candy stand. As you explore the beauty walking through the maze of soft-heartedness you can't help wonder why the little guy is just smiling at you....the curiosity is to much and with your look of wonderment and curiosity you ask, "what do you do hear?" The little guy, with that mischievious look in his blue eyes walks over behind the lush, blooming colors of nature, and returns with two hoses. Your thought is to help water the extraordinary garden of life, but this little guy turns his water hose on you and soaks you silly, laughing and running. At first your upset, but YOUR little one says " yeh, all is fair in inocent love and water fights " so you hi tail it after him drenching him, giggling, laughing and becoming , feeling safe , trusting and most of all , having a water blast. A very secret place only us kids know about....no grown-ups allowed..have some cotton candy...

June 4, 2000
6:00 am
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wow heartfelt, im curious, have you ever received active help for PTSD?
Rather than relying on those drunks to keep you feelings at bay, have you tried to work through them?
Blessings

June 4, 2000
8:09 am
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Brenda: As Heartfelt has stated in past threads, he has been clean and sober for nearly 12 years. I'd say he has sought help, and has continued to succeed. Reread his postings and you'll see a man who has walked a long and arduous journey. What a blessing to be able to reach the heart of your child self and feel the Light within.

Heartfelt: Any time your child self wants to throw a water fight, count my child self in. I love "clean" fun. May you continue to find peace within...

June 4, 2000
8:47 am
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Guest_guest: I never responded to your question of what a banana split is, so here goes. You take a banana and split it length wise in half. Lay the halves on either side of a banana boat (a dish made just for this dreamy confection). Then, scoop one scoop of vanilla ice cream, put it at the front of the boat. Take a scoop of strawberry ice cream, put that in the middle of the boat (if anyone knows the technical terms for which part of the boat is which, please jump in). The third, and final scoop (any more than three you're making a trough) is chocolate. That is placed at the back of the boat (that would be the stern or aft? Not sure). Next comes the gooey part: Toppings! One the vanilla it is customary to put pineapple, but since I am highly alergic to it, I use marshmellow topping. On the strawberry, strawberry topping (you can use fresh berries mashed up, that's delicious!). And, lastly the chocolate gets chocolate topping, unless you're in for a real thrill, then you can use hot fudge. Wait, we're not done yet. Whipped cream covers the entier creation. Sprinkle with chopped nuts, and three cherries crown the mounds. Get a spoon, dig in, enjoy. Experiment with the ice cream and toppings, for a change I sometimes put the chocolate on the vanilla and the marshmellow on the chocolate. When you think about it, it's really a healthy concoction.

June 4, 2000
1:54 pm
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thanks for sharing Heartfelt. I can only imagine all the triggers that must lay inside you still. You sound like you have come so far in being able to understand yourself and your lttle guy! Welcome back as they say and welcome to the future too! When i remember myself at 18 yrs, i cannot imagine being asked such a huge service as your country asked of you. maybe it is a good thing that i cannot imagine it.. i don't know, what do i know of war? but as i said i can begin to imagine and can see something in your words you have given us that I never got from any of the films that tried to make me see those points.

Spirit, yum yum - do you eat the ice cream in the whirlpool?!
Peace all
Haz

June 4, 2000
6:52 pm
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Guest-guest.

Have you got your Mercedes, cool job, etc yet? 🙂

You naughty, naughty boy for teasing all those netties. 🙂

Spirit: What gives me a good gut busting laugh? Well... I have to admit that Guest-guest's response to those netties, offering to beg their God for something on his behalf, caused me to nearly piss myself with laughter. He 'inner child' is sooooo.... naughty at times.

June 4, 2000
7:56 pm
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what on earth are you ona bout Tez, or on...period?

June 5, 2000
2:37 am
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🙁 .. shes not responding to my emails. i think she'd fed up of me, she wants to run away from me. the last time we talked she said she was sorry and just didnt have the time. you only take time out for things that matter to u. If you dont have time for anything, it means its low in ur priority list.
well i dont blame her but atleast she should tell me SOMETHING. if she wants me to go away she should atleast tell me. i hate this ..

well u know hazza .. i've told her everything about me. i've told her when i wasnt feeling good that i doubted her saying that i was good. i've told her everything about my personality i know, my history, everything. i dont hide anything from her.
yes i did tell her i need to love myself first and then love her later. i told her this in the very begining when i told her it wouldnt work out.

still she said it was ok, as i told you, she said she didnt mind my moods and stuff and we could be friends. she wanted to be friends i guess.
and now i hate it.
everytime she comes close to me as a friend i cant help falling in love.
i dont know, i just cant help it.

Wow, spirit.. that looks tasty i guess. i hope i can eat it someday.

hehe .. no tez i havent got it yet. 🙂 ..
although i sometimes think being independent and starting to depend on my own money instead of my parents might bring in some relief for me. I just have a hint that its a pain for them to support me. i feel i'm troubling them. I try to ask as little money as possible. i just want to be free i guess.

my mother used to say to me that how much she and father had done for us and THIS is what we did in return? (when we tried to answer back or didnt do well in studies). Then she would go in the dead 'get out of sight'

and we felt terrible afterwards how bad we had been. oh i wish i could shove a hot rod in her ... sorry... i'm just angry at her i guess. plzz.... no comemnts at this ok. i'm jsut angry at this, thats all. i wish i had slapped my mother back, and kicked her like mad. as i say so, i'm gritting my teeth. kicked her on the ground, and dumped her on the road, the #[email protected][email protected]# .. censored. no comemtns plzz.. again.
shit ...

u know my back is aching right now. if i lie down, i want to get up. if i get up i want to lie down. what the hell !!!!!!!!!!
it seems funny too ... but its so damn frustrating!!

tez i'm sort of skinny. last week i joined a gym, and NOW i want to discontinue it. Cool huh?? i mean i know i dont have the motivation to do it. today in the bathroom tried to track my thoughts why actually i didnt want to go. I rememebred i had done some exercise and i must have looked pathetic there, trying so hard and looking like a geek. I mean i was defintiely looking pathetic. no question about it. But then after this thought, i tried to say to myself that well i dont want to go right now, first i have to build a high self-esteem and then it will be easier for me. But actually i think i didnt want to go back in there and face everyone, looking so pathetic, struggling with my weights, and shedding low self-esteem everywhere, looking insecure, and watching other people, inside trying to see what they're thinking about me and outside pretending that i give a damn.
!!!

i dont think i can do this gym thing right now. i just dont have the things to do them. Also my diet is poor. even to improve THAT, i need motivation. I need to overcome that thing that sometiems i dont want to cook, or even eat, or go to the market to get something.
ur lucky and much better than me i guess. u have the motivation andure quite better than me.

hey ppl .. b/w, if someone hates me here, please say so !! thanks ..
u know sometimes i want to hear from people that they hate me and then i'll laugh at it ! .. hehe ..
well serously, if someone hates me plz tell me.

tez i envy u, u've got a woman, u work out, u never seem to get obsessed or tired of this website, u seem quite conssitent! .. and well .. at other time si must admit that i think the opposite! .. i'll think i'm better than you. plzz ignore this .. i guess its just me and my crazy thoughts.

well .. u know .. i really dont know whether its a good sign that i get tired of this site and dont wanna come here at times or should it be like i should'nt get tired? and if i DO get tired, is that a bad sign ?
i dont know.

June 5, 2000
2:39 am
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shit.. typos ..sorry ...!

June 5, 2000
7:25 am
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hazza
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Hey guest,
We all get tired at times, no big deal. If this site makes you feel too drained at times, then take a rain check for a while, no big deal is it?

I for one don't hate you! but the reason you ask that (i think) is that if someones says they hate you - at least you can believe that! you have had negative comments from your folks all your life - You know how to handle those emotions.

Now, us here saying - "hey actually we like you "- you find harder to understand. you are not used to being liked and not used to seeing yourself as likable that is all, with practice you will.

If we say to you that we didn't like you (that is not true, just an example!!) then you would believe us straight away right?
but because youa re not used to positive comments being made about you then you find it harder to accept that we would feel positive towards you rather than negative.

Sorry dude, you are going to have to take the hard / difficult course on this one - i don't hate you, so you are just gonna have to sweat your pants of and learn to accept that positive thought that i have towards you!

I am sorry that your friend is being so distant right now. I guess she has her own journey and makes her choices for her own reasons. the thing is you have been honest with her- there is no more you can do. Never lose that honesty, when you do find the woman for you, she will be able to trust you because youa re so honest, and she will have the strength to face the parts of you that are weak as well as the parts of you that are strong. You will let her know ALL of you, and she will love ALL of you. so much better than people who have secrets and never let the other person know the true them.

Well, i am still holding out that you get your Mercedes!! but i think the personal growth you are doing right now will stand you in better stead.

Peace
Haz

June 5, 2000
12:26 pm
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yea hazaa ... right ..
i'll beelive it more easliy if someone says they hate me. if they say they like me, i'll think either they are crazy or that i was bieng fake and thus they didnt get to see the real me which probably wasnt likeable. before i used to let it get down on me, i used to accept that i was bad. now if someone says they dont like me, i become angry and say to myself that i dont care, they can f off.

right now i'm feeling rage. at the world. i told her to leave me alone. i know she would say no i just didnt have time and all. When in reality shes just probably pissed off from me. so i told her that what the hell was wrong with her? why didnt she just tell me to go away ? i bet she was tired of getting my emails and hearing my voice. Why didnt she just tell me ???

i just told her to leave me and just forget about us. it wouldnt work. i had told her this in the begining but she fantasized i guess and thought at times that i would recover. well i'll recover but later. the world aint finished from women right.

i know when i'll recover i'll have no problems like these in my life. i'll fly .. hopefully ..

although i'm just saying this blindly ..

i'm feeling rage and i dont know whats coming next and what i should do about it. maybe i'll do nothing. at times i feel like crying but i'm ashamed to cry, someone might know of it and then all the mess too.

June 5, 2000
1:31 pm
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i talked to her and told her that we should say goodbye because it was no use. i told her not to get hurt and it was nothing personal but it wouldnt work out.

at times i get thoughts in my head of regret and that i shouldnt have done it and maybe i was foolish but i fight them off with a 'f off' and say to myself that now wasnt the right time for me. i've seen other ppl making loser choices in life, being in a hurry to get in a relationship. well i'm not, althought at time i might want to be in, i would finally awlays want to say that until i'm not ready i shouldnt go for it. also, i'm young, i'm sure there is plenty of time and girls. this world aint gonna go dead.

b/w .. if i didnt find someone, i was wondering if keeping a kitten would do instead?
i mean i know it soudns funny but thats how bad it can get. as i write this my eyes are wet from tears over my pain and i'm almost crying and why god made and gave me this ...
f u god ...

yea.. i cried for 5 seconds or so. i wonder if it will ever get better. but i dont care. f the whole world!
f everyone and every thing.

as i talked to her i felt her voice was sort of breaking. even if she cares about me, it wont work !!!!!!!!!

it wont !!!

June 5, 2000
4:39 pm
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guest guest...tell me which feels better, beating yourself up or allowing yourself to grow?......opening up your heart, or burying your head in the sand?......learning new ways of seeing things, or staying in the same pile of shit?

June 5, 2000
5:18 pm
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right now i want to bury my head in the ground and become numb and be able to sense nothing. yea i dont like shit, but i dont know how and when i'll get out of it. why doesnt one of u just get up and kill me. it'll easier then, everything will be fine and peaceful then.

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