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GAY/STRAIGHT..HELP..
February 3, 2009
10:23 am
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stardj0
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hey there i am a 59 Y O gay male and right now i am trying to do the right thing.. i go to N/A meetings and have been clean 4 years.. and i sponsor a couple of guys.. but a bout 3 months back i met this new comer to N/A and we talked and i had him come and sit at our tables to share and all..then as he came to meetings he would always look for me and come and sit with me about a month into his recovery, he asked if i would be his sponsor, and i told him that i would give it a try and see how it works out..so far he is doing great this is the longest he has been clean since he was 14 years old and he is now 24..we hang out all the time and i take him to most of his meetings. i have met his parents. who are very nice people and love me to death for keeping their son from going back out so far.anyways i just bought a condo and he is a carpenter and isnt working so he told me he wanted to come over and help me work on my condo which was ok with me and his parents.(they watch him like a hawk).so the last week we have become very close and have had a LOT of indepth talks with each other.. he is very good looking as well.. and my problem is that since i am gay, i have had a lot of sexual type dreams about him. and pof course do fantasize < --sp?? about him.. and am trying to be JUST a friend..but it is so hard for me..he runs around with his shirt off around me and thinks nothing of it.. and i go to a gay N/A meeting on tuesday nights.. and he always wants to go to it.. he told me he loves hanging around with gay people it doesnt bother him..but boy am i having a hard time trying to stay just a friend.. i would never do anything to jeopardize our friendship..and at the same time i am trying to fight these feelings that i have for him.. i want a LONG TIME friendship with him and he may be going to jail soon for a couple of years for some of the things that he did in him past..sorry this is so long...so im hopeing that when he goes to jail that my feelings will die down and when he gets out i will feel like i want to be JUST his friend and sponsor..does this sound logical to anyone?? is it possible??i am kind of mixed up right now.. he doesnt even know that i feel this strongly about him either..so i dont want to hurt him or chase him away from me..i just hope i am doing the right thing i surely dont want to be one of those old pervert men which it is makeing me feel like i am.. who knows nothing may become of this whole this anyways..but i just needed to vent and talk to someone about this..thank you for anyone who reads this.. have a great day...

February 3, 2009
11:12 am
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Terriberry
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StardjO,

I'm reading your post and it does sound like you have strong feeling for him, but he is new in his recovery. Isn't this called 13th stepping. Isn't somebody new to recovery suppose to not get involved with somebody for at least 1 yr. So they can devote time to there recovery.

Besides, wouldn't you want to wait until you know that he is taking things very seriously. Three mos. is still early in the recovery stage. Aren't you putting your own recovery (4yrs!! Congradulations!!!) at risk, by possibly getting involved with somebody that could possibly relaspe?

Maybe you should talk all this over with your sponsor?

Wish you well,
tb

February 3, 2009
11:23 am
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stardj0
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my thing is this i guess it is normal for a guy who is gay like me to be attracted to another good looking guy.. i know that it is 13th stepping if you were to get involved with someone early in recovery.. i really dont plan on this happening..and i do want to see him do good..and he is straight and i dont even think that he feels anything except friendship towards me..which is good i just need to be be JUST a friend and sponsor and nothing more..i guess i just needed to vent and tell on myself..so thanks for setting me straight as well..and i do know that he possibly go back out and relapse which scares me..but i know i can only do for him what i know in recovery and what has worked for me..hopefully work for him also..

February 3, 2009
11:50 am
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fantas
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Congratulations on your 4 years of recovery!!!! I think you should discuss this with your sponsor as soon as possible. The fact that he is straight, makes him unavailable to you so this just leaves you and your emotions. Is there something else going on underneath? Is it the cunning nature of the addiction trying to distract you from your own recovery work by concentrating on him? You can choose to view him as your good looking son instead.

Maybe it's time to rework the steps or something. All the best to you and good for you for talking about it now.

February 3, 2009
11:54 am
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Terriberry
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stardj0,

You came to the right place to vent.
So contuine to vent away. You'll find a lot of wonderful people here that will support you.

And since you say he is straight, and know it may not go anywhere... then the best thing to do is not to act on your feelings.

Do you think maybe your fansasting about him be cause he is safe in that regard ? Know what I mean ?

February 3, 2009
1:30 pm
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caraway
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stardj0,

Ok, here comes the "motherly" advice from another Gay man..... If you continue allow him to hang around, with his shirt off, something will happen. Many young folks today will have sex with same sex partners and think nothing of it. It sounds like you have a full-on crush and I am concerned that you will get hurt.

As nice as this guy sounds, he is a drug addict. You have opened up your home, and your heart, and he could easily take advantage or worse. If he relapses, you will most likely have items taken from your home, dealers could show up looking for him, and you could be pulled back in to that world.

I think it is great that you are giving back, but couldn't you distance yourself a bit?

Cary

February 3, 2009
2:36 pm
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StronginHim77
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I have never been a sponsor, although one of my neighbors is an AA sponsor (now sober for 11 years). Anyway, your situation sounds like a possible conflict of interest. I would think that sponsoring someone in a 12-step program requires a certain amount of objectivity and detachment, in order to keep accountability on the "up & up." If you are personally attracted to this guy, that might undermine your function as his objective and detached sponsor. Perhaps you should have someone else assume his sponsorship.

Also, as Caraway noted, this could open the door to ALOT of set backs and complications for your own, personal life. Please be careful. This guy is only 3 months into his recovery. He also has some serious legal issues awaiting resolution. Don't do anything which could compromise your own safety and integrity.

I am also concerned that you have feelings for someone (1) half your age and (2) possibly not even interested in you on a personal/intimate relationship level. That is a setup for heart break. Again, I think you may need to detach for your own peace. It is hell on earth to care about someone who doesn't reciprocate those feelings. I've been there. And it's crushing to the ego and the heart.

- Ma Strong
Finall

February 3, 2009
2:54 pm
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lauren1988
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I agree with StronginHim. The best thing to do is to get him a different sponsor until you can be fully available to be a responsible person. I know how hard it is to have a crush on someone who doesn't or "cant" like you. Talk to your own sponsor about your feelings also. I wish you the best of luck and continue to be sober.

February 3, 2009
4:58 pm
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_anonymous
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I agree with Caraway.

February 3, 2009
11:55 pm
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stardj0
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thanks all for your suggestions..i talked to a few people tonight after the meeting about it.. and they suggested that after his court date this weekend that i tell him that i cant sponsor him anymore right now..tell him he might need someone with more cleatime than i have, and who can better help him out with what is going on in his life right now..so i think that is what i will be doing.. i promised his parents that i would help out this week if they need me to go to court with him and them..so after that i will try to detach myself from this whole thing i will re read melonie beatties book codependent no more..thanks again to all wo took the time to read my thread.. i appreciate all you guys said

February 4, 2009
2:58 am
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Worried_Dad
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Oh for heaven's sake.

Your sexual orientation is irrelevant to this situation.

What you are asking about is ethics and morality.

You are the man's Sponsor.

That means you have a..well, a Fiduciary Responsibility towards him.

For several reasons, you have unequal power in your relationship with him including the fact that since you are his sponsor, he cannot help but experience a process of Transference with you.

Ethically, you are therefore morally bound to be extra special careful to maintain extra strict boundaries with him--not just this week, but FOREVER.
In other words, if you ever, ever, EVER, for any reason, so much as let him know that you have sexual, fantasies about him, much less try to act on them, then you "13th stepping" him, which would make you a dangerous predator.

You don't want to be *that way.*

February 4, 2009
4:30 pm
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invizble
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WOW!! I saw some of the best advice given here than I've ever seen!

Stardj0- you need to listen to these folks real close! They have hit the nail on the head more than once. Great advice!! Please go back and read every post again and again!

February 4, 2009
11:00 pm
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stardj0
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i have read them all..i let him go today.. i told him that right now i have too many sponsees and one more is just too much for me.. he said he understood and i have a friend who is straight and said he would sponsor him.. his parents asked why i didnt want to sponsor him and i told them that i have too many commitments right now and it is hard for me to find the time to just concentrate on just one person..they were a bit hurt i think..but they said they understood and they hope that what i taught him so far sticks..iam in a step study with my other sponsee and i will just concentrate on him and my meetings..thanks for all your advice.

February 5, 2009
8:43 am
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caraway
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star,

Talk to us if you start feeling lonely and miss him. Time will help and you will feel better knowing you did the right thing.

Proud of you!

Cary

February 7, 2009
1:57 am
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stardj0
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welll went to a meeting tonight and talked to him and went bowling with him and about 10 others from our meeting and we are still friends.. i told him kind of why i parted company with him as a sponsor and he said he knew that and said that he was very flattered by it and said.. he is straight and that is that..but said we can still be friends no need to have any anaymosity between us and i agreed..so all was cool.. he just has one of the greatest personalities out there..so i will see him out and about at meetings. he invited me to go swimming at the rec center with him and some friends but i declined..i just want to be his friend and that is all..so all is well..he will be going to jail within the month he told me and said he would still write to me if i didnt mind..

February 7, 2009
10:17 am
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Fruitloop
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Star- I really admire the way you saw a situation that was unhealthy for you, got advice and then took it! Way to go! Your courage really gives me hope for myself. It also lets me know that through my co-dependency, I will still be attracted to unhealthy situations but with help and courage I wont have to get pulled into them.
I want to recommend a book to you its called how to spot a dangerous man before you get involved by sandra brown. It changed my life last year, I finally realized I was really attracted to broken people and they were attracted to me, hence the reason why none of my relationships worked out. Even though I knew I was broken too, I had no idea what/how/why. Something you said above reminded me of myself.

February 9, 2009
1:35 am
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stardj0
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thanks fruitloop.. i am trying... i am in a really depressed mood tonight..just feel lonely because we hung out so much all the time.. i feel like i lost my best friend..i dont know how i got so caught up in it..guess i let my guard down..but the funny thing is nothing really would of happened.. i saw him at a meeting tonight and i went out to eat with a group of friends and he showed up there and sat right next to me, and asked me what is wrong and am i mad at him.. i said no..he and some friends were talking about hanging out tomorrow and i felt so left out..i know it is going to take some time for me to get over this.. i am in the process of moving to my own place and i wonder if i will be lonely there..well i guess time will tell..anyways it is late and i am going to go to bed.. i kind of cant wait till he goes to jail then i wont have to see him or run into him anymore for a while.. i know that dont sound good but it will help me to get over this whole thing..take care all..will write more soon..

February 9, 2009
9:37 am
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caraway
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star,

Are you saying that he going to jail for certain, or assuming that he will screw up and then go? I understand the comment about feeling better about not running in to him. I ended a 12 year relationship and after 7 months of remaining in the same town and trying to share friends, I decided to move on.

Hope you have a better week.

Cary

February 10, 2009
12:14 am
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stardj0
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he is doing some jail time for home invasion and has a felony or two.. his pre trial is this friday and his sentencing is in a month.. his lawyer told him he will be doing 2- 15 years..he is a really great guy trying to get on the straight and narrow now.. and this is all wreckage from his past deeds..i feel bad for him.. he just talked to me today because there is no body else that he can put his trust in and confided in me, a lot of things that i will not tell anyone ever..but i hope that he can stay clean and can try to do good while he is in jail.. he wants to do a step study and mail me the steps and have me mail my comments back to him i told him that is a possibility...if i met him and got to know him while he has been clean i would never in a million years think that he could do all he did..but i told him that i would be there for him..but he needs to talk to his new sponsor..but he told me they have only talked one time and he needs someone to talk to..i will help him the best i can but i can not be involved in his life much.. his parents have called me and asked me to talk to him and told me that i am all he talks about and that i have helped him more than anyone has ever helped him.. i am flattered..and i told them i will do what i can to help him stay clean but that is all i can do the rest is ON him..

February 10, 2009
10:59 am
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Terriberry
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Stardj0,

It sounds like you trying to set some bounderies up and that is a good thing. Just remember you can't fix him...it's up to him to change. Encouring him to keep working on his recovery, is good.

I guess, I would just warn to not get to involved, so that you don't get hurt.

Wishing you all the best.
tb

February 10, 2009
11:19 am
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StronginHim77
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I see red flags flying. You must completely and totally sever with this young man. He comes and sits next to you? Asks you if you're angry with him? Wants to establish a written communication link with you, after his incarceration begins?

WHOA.

Huge red flags. Please, please don't be pulled back in by this fellow. I have served as a prison chaplain for over two years. These guys NEVER seem capable of the crimes they committed. They ooze genuine remorse, apparent sensitivity, intelligence...the whole package. Yet, they HAVE committed the crimes. Ask their victims.

Once behind bars, they will do ANYTHING to sustain contact with the outside world. As far as him receiving support for continued sobriety, relax. They have programs there at the prison in which he can participate.

Remember that most of these guys are highly skilled at manipulation. Remember, he told you that he KNEW you were "interested" in him (on a very personal level). Sure, he knew. And he is "working it." This is what they do.

Please, please, please heed the red flags and stay clear of this man and his family. Don't be sucked into the chaos of his life. Don't be tempted into the role of "rescuer/fixer." He will have access to plenty of help within the prison walls. He won't need you. And that is the truth.

Not trying to be harsh. Just trying to protect your heart from further pain.

- Ma Strong

February 10, 2009
12:37 pm
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Fruitloop
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Star I totally agree with Ma Strong! Thats why I suggested the dangerous man book, it goes over red flags and helps you to see the ones you are attracted to. And I may be going out on a limb here...but most heterosexual men do not even want to hint at being anything other.

February 11, 2009
1:35 am
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stardj0
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yea i chilled out by myself all day today..gave it all a lot of thought.. it is best if i do sever my ties with him..the more i am with him the more i can see i am being used by him.. and i am getting a bit sick of that part..my condo is finished so i dont need him to do anything more..i have a good female friend and her and i talked about it also..she told me that maybe that would be the best thing is to get away from him and she said she would be there for me if i need her..she wants to hang out the next few days and help me with things i have to get done so i will be doing that with her..she is actually one of my best friends..

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