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full of sorrow
September 30, 2003
5:39 am
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silence
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I hate everything right now. I hate myself more than anything... that hasn't changed. But the level of my hatred is going through the roof.

I don't like work anymore. For the past two weeks they have put me in a truck by myself. I'm the only person without anybody to talk to all night. I hate this isloation. Work used to be the only place where I could interact with people. Now it's just 4 hours of solitary confinement. I told my part time supervisor that I don't want to work there. I think he keeps me there because he knows it pisses me off. I hate being so alone.

On top of that, I've been getting ripped off. 3 weeks ago I noticed that the time clock has been clocking me in 5 minutes later than everybody else. My supervisor said that he changes the times to correct it, but I've been writing down my hours ever since then. The times haven't been changed. I'm missing 25 minutes a week for, I don't know, how many weeks it's been going on. They told me today that they'll correct the problem.

Now for the real kick in the nuts. I think I'm on the verge of being fired. I've gotten misloads recently. That in itself is not surprising. Almost everybody gets misloads. But I've gotten more than the usual amount. I can't explain it. I read every single damn package that comes into my truck. I know my numbers are correct. Some of the other guys tell me it may be smalls in the bags or "return to sender" items. Unfortunately, all they know is that some packages find themselves on the wrong truck every week. Last week I got a verbal warning. Tonight they told me that I'm going to get a written warning. Next time I mess up they are going to suspend me. After that they can fire me.

The other guys say not to sweat it. But I can't put it put of my head. I know I'm not misloading packages. I know I'm doing my job. My ratio is still better than half of the other loaders in my PD because of the volume I've had to go through by myself lately. Still... there are rumors that the higher-ups want to make an example of somebody, and it sure as hell looks like it's my head on the chopping block.

I just wish everything could go back the way it was a few weeks ago. Back when I had partners to talk to while I loaded and I had no misloads. I spend enough time alone hating myself at home. I don't need to do this shit at work too.

September 30, 2003
7:11 am
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arwen
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Dear Silence,

It is heartbreaking to read your words of hopelessness that seem to dominate your world. In so many ways, you remind me of my son, although in the past few weeks he has begun to feel better about his life. Part of this has to do with him landing a job where he is doing something he loves.

Since he was a baby he has loved anything with a motor--especially if it was fast. Before he could even crawl I accidentally made this discovery while channel surfing. I noticed that every time I surfed past a car or motorcycle race without stopping he would fuss. So I started leaving the TV tuned to races whenever there was one to be found and Sesame Street wasn't on. Something else he loved as a baby was music. He was a very fussy infant. I would put on the Eagles or James Taylor to calm him down and he would actually begin to cry between songs. (this was back in the day when music was recorded on those big black vinyl things called "albums"--way before your time...)

I don't know why, but something about these experiences with him made me believe that we are born with passion for certain things. Then, perhaps as we are growing up, our parents and other people of influence in our lives convince us that they know more about you than you, and they end up setting you on a different course than the one you were meant to follow.

My son recently landed a job at a motorcycle shop where they custom build Harley's. He has been playing the guitar since he was about 14, and has an electric bass, an acoustic bass, an electric guitar, and acoustic guitar, a drum set, pedals, amps, etc.

Silence, you are an extremely intelligent young man who has been emotionally beaten into believing that you have no passion for life. I apologize for my strong words if they are hurtful. It is not my intention to cause you more pain.

I see a picture of you through your way of writing about things. I feel the hopelessness, and see the "gray" of your world, which seems to lack the radiance deserving of such a mind as yours.

Someone has told you some terrible lies about who you are, Silence, and over time, you have come to believe them.

If asked to do so, would you perhaps be able to regress to a time when you felt, in your childhood, a great love and/or interest in something? One step further now, would the adult in you demonstrate a willingness to encourage this "child" to trust his instincts about what is right for him, and nurture his passions?

You are not without talent. In fact, I have a strong perception that you are creative, artistic in some way. It's clear that you possess more than adequate intellect to accomplish any goal you set for yourself. I don't know why I have this feeling that you are good with dimensions, measuring, seeing things in 3-D and being able to translate that onto paper or mold it into clay. I wonder if you might not make a fine architect, sculptor, or painter. I feel as though you have a brilliant creative side that has been stifled and beaten down--maybe because "grown ups" didn't see the pursuit of such interests as "practical". I wonder if you would be able to use your vivid imagination and natural artistic talent, combined with your intellect, to create and/or help design video game software.

Your beauty is wasted in this job where you have to stack boxes, although I believe your talent forces its way to the surface as you manage to find ways to pack efficiently because you have a good eye for what should fit where.

If you are expelled from this job, it is only a message that you are ready to move on to something more deserving of your many talents. Sometimes these kinds of things happen because it's just life's way of giving us a little nudge out of the door.

I truly hope that every day, in every way, you are provided with signs and the gift of insight to follow them into contentment.

Sincerely,

Arwen

September 30, 2003
9:41 am
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unhappy camper
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silence
Hugs.

I don't know your living situation or financial situation but to lose a job you HATE is not the end of the world.

Your destiny awaits you. Start right now to think of what you would LOVE to do for a living and look into what it would take to get into that line of work.

It feels like a change is in the air for you. Don't you feel it?

We will support you through this.
You are not alone.
🙂

September 30, 2003
9:44 am
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bel
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Silence IM sorry your so down right now and I hope your feeling better. You have done a great job there and just continue to do that and hopefully they will see it.

If they let you go you can collect unemployment until you find your next job. You have come a long way and please know were all here for you when you feel like talking again.

Take Care
Bel

September 30, 2003
10:59 am
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mj
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Hi Silence...I am glad you opened up here and told us how you really feel. That is healthy. Expressing your honest feelings. Maybe it doesn't change anything immediately but it sure helps looking at your feelings and say....ok...now what do I do.

The self-hatred needs to be let go of immediately......because that is a core issue. How can I help you?

Isolation sucks when you can't even stand yourself.

What I do when I am practicing self-hatred is...say STOP. I don't believe this bullshit I am feeding myself. I am special. I know this. I am not going to let someone else ruin my self image. Ok....I know...you haven't built a positive self image yet. So...how could you feeding yourself a bunch of bs about yourself to reinforce it.

I think that you have many fine qualities. You are here, trying to figure yourself out cause you don't want to be stuck in the self-hatred.
You are trying to work to get out of the home that created alot of the self-doubt. You found this job when you needed to find a job. You can do it again if necessary. How long does it take to save up enough money to move out? You need to make a plan. Take charge of your life. Do your best and know that you are. No one can take away your self-esteem if you don't allow it. So do you think that someone is sabbatoging you with the time-clock and packages? They have a bigger problem than you my friend. Let them keep their problem and you just keep your dignity and self-worth.
You do have it. I see it. Big Hug and hopefully today will be a better day/night for you. You aren't the only one that works nights. Just learn how to ask for what you want and go for it. If that doesn't work, then try something else. YOU have fortitude. You graduated from College. That was a big deal. You can get thru this as well. We all have bad days and weeks. Quit being the victim and take charge of your life. I care.

September 30, 2003
11:29 am
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tracylyn
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Hey Silence~

Man that sucks....it all just sucks doesn't it!!! Let it out, tell us how you feel....let it out and then be over it!!!!

Silence~ we here know what a great guy you are. We also know the story and that you've been thru a lot...but you are still here...alive and kicking.

At work...maybe just try and be extra careful, even if you know you aren't making mistakes, check and recheck until you know for sure. Take your time.

Maybe start thinking about the good things that go on in your life...think that you are healthy, you have a roof over your head (maybe not exactly where you want it to be but it's a roof).

Hang in there....things will get better!!!!

September 30, 2003
4:18 pm
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silence
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arwen - My life has always been like that. I'm the first person to tell others that I am bad at something. My low self-esteem is just part of my personality at this point.

unhappy camper - I didn't always hate this job. I really liked it until recently. Being completely alone for 4 hours while doing heavy work is just killing me. I absolutely hate where I am right now. Especially since I am the only one in my area that has to work alone. Everybody else that loads gets to be with other people. Some people like to work alone. I don't. I have enough time alone as it is.

bel - I'm not fired yet. And it was hard enough for me to land this job. I can't imagine trying to find another one with "fired from UPS after 3 months" on my resume.

mj - if I could switch on a higher self-esteem just like that, I'd do it. For some reason I just can't say that I'm good at something. It's much easier to tell people that I suck at something so that they don't expect too much of me.

tracylyn - I always check my packages. That's what frustrates me the most about this. I know that I am not messing this up. I wish there was some way I could see those packages that end up in the wrong place... or see a video of me misloading it. It just doesn't make sense to me. And there's not much extra time I can take to recheck everything. I have to load 1,200 a night now that I'm alone.

September 30, 2003
4:33 pm
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silence
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oh. and thanks to everyone for reading.

September 30, 2003
4:49 pm
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mj
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Hey Silence, You just told all of us how you felt again and maybe it didn't change a dang thing but validate that you are a Thinking individual who can stand up and speak your mind. I know that I have better days than others. Hoping that your day just gets better.

September 30, 2003
5:25 pm
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gingerleigh
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Hey Silence. With the work thing, taking a proactive approach can work wonders. If you approach your boss and say that you yourself find the numbers of misloads puzzling and disturbing and want some creative help from him to get better and improve your numbers, that puts some of the responsibility into his court. If he isn't receptive, you might want to approach *his* boss and ask for help, say that you've approached your boss but that he either didn't have time to work with you or didn't have any suggestions.

I've had to work with people who weren't performing well in their jobs before. Some people have turned around dramatically, and others no longer work here. The ones who are top performers today are the ones who raised the red flag on themselves and sought out the inventive suggestions from their bosses. If the boss's suggestion doesn't work, it was his suggestion, and it didn't work, so maybe he can suggest something else. If it's his suggestion, he will have a vested interest in whether or not you succeed, hence the quality of the suggestion should be that much higher.

Good luck Silence, we're listening.

October 1, 2003
4:53 am
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silence
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They told me what was to come. If I get suspended then I have to start reading all numbers aloud.

But I had a different night tonight. I must be really easy to read because I think everybody sensed that I was upset. Some guys made a point to come by every now and then to see if I was OK and needed any help. So it wasn't all bad tonight.

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