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From Hurt_so_bad: Need Advice Urgently.....talk about karma...
March 17, 2005
11:26 pm
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TrueIntuition
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How long is a long time ??
When we ask for patients what are we really asking for ??
Patients is the ability to accept time. Remember time is infinate. To have patients is to live in total present time. Right now is what your are feeling, experiencing. Is it good ??
Patients is about being able to slow down just a bit.
Don't get to high, don't get to low, just find that right wave and ride it in.

March 17, 2005
11:37 pm
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Hurts_so_bad
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Trueintuition - A long time, to me anyway, is trying to deal with an issue for months with no real resolution in sight. I'm tired of dealing with this emotional issue. It has been almost a year and on some days I go back to square one.....I rip open that wound and start bleeding all over again. And the sad part is I don't really understand why I do that to myself.

I try to stay angry so that I won't miss him so much. I feel foolish for being weak and not able to keep my promise to myself not to contact him. It makes me feel that I'm less of a person. If he can just walk away without any regrets - why can't I? Why is it always me that has trouble with this? Why do I pick the wrong men over and over again? Why do I think that if I keep trying, eventually I will get him back? Why would I even want to be second choice? So many questions......yet no answers.

March 17, 2005
11:44 pm
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TrueIntuition
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The answers are easy. The hard part is accepting them.
You are trying to stay angry. Why ?? It's that anger that is hurting you.
You don't have to be angry to let go.
Letting go can be very peacfull. It does take some patients. This is the exercise. Things take time. Especially when dealing with other people.

March 17, 2005
11:48 pm
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Hurts_so_bad
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Because if I stop being angry, that will only leave me with good memories of our relationship and that will bring more tears. I'm just not a very strong person when it comes to dealing with lost love. I am a die hard romantic, I love deeply and I tend to spoil people. Not a good combo for the men out there nowadays. I might as well wear a sign on my forehead that says "doormat".

March 17, 2005
11:56 pm
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TrueIntuition
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Most doormats have the word welcome.
What's wrong with having good memorie ?? I think about the good times I have with all of my friends all the time. For allot of reasons, Some of those friends I will never see again but, we had some good times. That never stops, you can always have good times.
You are passionate, that's what a romantic is. Don't let anger take away your pasion.

March 18, 2005
12:03 am
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Hurts_so_bad
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But this is different. We're not talking about memories of a good friend....we're talking about someone I was (or am - I'm not even sure what I feel anymore) in love with. Maybe over time I'll be able to look back on this and have good memories, but right now that doesn't seem feasible.

As for the "doormat" - you're right it does say "welcome"....but it doesn't say you're welcome to hurt me and take advantage of me. And that's exactly what happened to me. One day he was totally in love with me....the next day he had changed his mind and decided he wasn't ready. What kind of crap is that? He should have had the courtesy to discuss the issue, maybe then I would have had some closure.

March 18, 2005
2:50 am
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Hurts_so_bad
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It's midnight, and I can't sleep. I keep thinking about my ex b/f and trying to figure out what it is about him that I miss so much. It's not that I'm feeling really sad tonite, it's more of a numb feeling, yet disturbing enough to keep me from sleeping....and I have to get up in 5 hours.....yuck.

March 18, 2005
4:22 am
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breakthecycle
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HSB - Am going through very similar deal. TOTALLY the same feeling and all, past experiences, all the questions, the 2 mos. no response (Jan 31) and I just read the whole thread! I have sent out some (2) random "invitations" to contact me in the form of rather superficial emails, etc. I am totally energized to let it go now after reading this thread - stopping contact with someone who is not having a relationship with ME. But, like you, I can't stop thinking about him. But I know he sure isn't thinking about me and I get more annoyed! I am also not even sure what I would want anymore, can't let the anger go for fear of tears, etc. I can't delete the info, either. I feel like such a loser! Which I guess would mean that I feel like were are both losers - sorry :)!

Here is the worst part!!! I snail-mailed a (holiday) card the other day which is en route as we speak and there is no way to stop it, but now I wish I could!! Nothing mushy, I just signed it. Another "invite" I guess! I know, its too late to do anything, so I just have to not do it anymore.

Thanks for your post and everyone's advice. I am going to try to get some sleep despite the obsessing that I know will come!

Oh, and this Sat will be one year since 1st contact. Bummer. Maybe that would be a good time to delete it all - one year in the life...fresh start.

sorry for the rambling, this is really helping me.

March 18, 2005
4:31 am
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breakthecycle
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P.S. I'll check back tomorrow. HSB, I am intersted in seeing how you are doing (day by day!) since we seem to be on parallel tracks.

THX again all.

March 18, 2005
9:36 am
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Hurts_so_bad
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breakthecycle - I am so sorry that you're having to go through the same ordeal I'm going through. Sometimes I feel like I'm the only one that could be so weak when it comes to my ex b/f, but reading all the posts here helps me because it makes me realize that I'm not abnormal. And by the way you and I are NOT losers! Don't ever think of yourself as a loser. Please. That kind of thinking will just depress you even more and it will bring your self-esteem way down.

The problem it seems to me, is that both you and I were unfortunate to place our hearts in the hands of people who clearly could not appreciate a good thing, and in the process ended up breaking our hearts. That's not our loss - it's their loss.

I know none of this takes the pain away, but you have to remind yourself daily that you are a good person, you deserve being treated with respect, you deserve to be happy.

I'm starting my 4th day of no contact. You have no idea how hard I'm struggling not to respond to his e-mail. But what would be the results? I imagine he would continue to write me (as long as I stayed "cool" - still have no clue what he meant by that) and I would continue to hang on to the hope that he may someday come back. I hang on to that hope without writing 🙁

People have been telling me for so long to just let go....you would think by now I'd have the courage to do that....but no, I hang on to the e-mails, all the phone numbers, e-mail addresses, messenger, etc. and for the life of me, I cannot delete any of it. I guess if I actually deleted this stuff, I would be admitting to myself that it's really over....and apparently I can't or won't believe that.

What is your story? I know you said that ours are parallel, but how long were you in the relationship, etc?

I really feel for you. I wouldn't worry too much about the "snail" mail you sent him.....it sounds like you just sent a friendly type card...no mushy stuff. Don't beat yourself up over that. It's done - forget about it and try not to write anymore. And yes, I know that's very hard to do....but I found that posting on here has helped me so much....now if I was able to take all the advice I've received on here - I would probably not be in this mess. I don't mean to give the impression that I never listen to all the advice - I do and I use some of it - but others - well, I'm just not ready to take some of the steps that have been suggested. But that's my weakness.

It's funny, a couple of weeks ago, I was feeling so strong and committed to let go and move on.....and then it seems like I woke up one morning and the whole rollercoaster ride with my emotions started over. I still love the man and I just don't know how I will ever be able to move on....but I know eventually I will have to and I know that the no contact rule is what I have to use to free myself of this pain and hurt I feel each and every day.

I'll check back with you later. In the meantime, please know that we are all here to help you whenever you need it. I look forward to your next post. Let's make a pact NOT to contact our ex's for today at least. How about it? You game? I truly believe there's power in numbers. We had a "no contact" post on here for awhile where everyone wrote in to commit a no contact day....it was really helpful. Maybe it's time to start another one 🙂

March 18, 2005
9:54 am
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Hi HSB,

Thank you for your comments. Picking up from where we left off, yes you too can do it. As I mentioned to you in previous post, you need to develop a relatioship with God on daily basis. Also you need some discipline. In my case, I was praying and fasting. I kept doing, in my prayer I would ask the Lord to take away that passion I had for my friend, & He did. Now all I have toward him is conditional feelings. If he measures up to my expectations, then and Only Then, I will give my heart to him.

HSB: you can do it. I was in your place 1 year & 1/2 ago. Now I grew and evolved, thanks to that discipline. After all we don't want to marry someone against God's will cause that will mean ending up miserabale. I know for sure I don't want that!

I will be praying for you today!

March 18, 2005
1:33 pm
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breakthecycle
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HSB-

Good to hear from you. I do have a problem with the contect, but at least I have learned to control myself enough these days (years!) to not write all the things I am actually feeling because that would just make things worse. I should say the contact problem isn't there every day. Although I look in my inbox and mail box EVERY FREAKING DAY hoping that this is the day he will get back to me.

The saddest part is that I'm over here pining away and I just picture him going about his business, having fun, and I am LETTING myself sit here obsessing.

The thing that I am having trouble with is thinking about him ALL the time, from when I wake up until I go to bed. Its like a record I can't stop playing.

As far as deleting and letting it go, I think you and I may have the same problem. If we do that, we are admitting we give up but if it was "true love" and all that, we wouldn't give up on it! Maybe its an idealization of the situation, I don't know. Logically it all makes sense, and I know better, but emotionally -well, its a mess! Also, I don't think Hollywood helps at all. In movies its true love and persistance, but in real life its "hey that girl is psycho."

As far as our relationship, I can't even get into it right now. I let myself get wrapped up in some that I knew I shouldn't. He lives out of town, problem #1. (but his fols live where I live) We never had a "commitment", problem #2. I just settle for whatever measly scraps of it all I can get. I will say that I spent the whole summer where he lives so I DID have an in person thing. The summer arrangement was made long before we met, but perhaps added to my hopes b/c I was talking to him everyday via email (which was awesome) until I got there for the summer.

(I know that there were all the signs and I shouldn't have continued, but none of it changes the fact that I am miserable over it now. It takes me forever to get over these things, and then after I do, I feel stupid for all the fuss.)

We were in contact after I returned, but it wasn't at the level it was before, which frustrated me and the worst he came to visit his family and didn't call me! All despite the fact that up til that time we were still regularly emailing and planning to see eachother. After that I was devastated, and I lost it. He acted really sorry (yeah, I know...) and gave me all these excuses. It was never the same - proved what I already knew, I felt more for him than he for me. That's when things went downhill with my psycho emails going back and forth about whether I could even be in contact with him. I changed my mind every day. Finally he just stopped emailing.

After he didn't see me when he was in town, I know I should have started the "give it up" phase then, not now. I just can't believe he freakin' did that to me.

Ok,so I guess I could talk about it! lol.

I am on vacation now, too, which doesn't help. (as in no working sitting around vacation.)

I have always known that my lifelong dating pattern was not normal. I started looking around on the web last night and now I am convinced its a codependence problem or a love addition problem. I have a majority of the classic signs. I see a thearapist, but sadly, I am too embarrassed to talk about this, even though it is my primary thought all the time. Maybe I will print out what I (and only I!) have written and she can read it and see what I am really thinking. After all, what good is a thearapist if you lie to her!?!

Also, HSB, I wanted to echo what other people have said. You NOT emailing is your final word. You have the power. As soon as you email him, he has it again. Keep the ball in your court. This way what is happening is YOUR decision, not his.

Secondly, be careful with those draft emails. Don't address them! They might actually get sent by accident and you don't want that. BTW, I write the "ghost emails" sometimes. Also, the last time he emailed me, I wrote to my friend about it twice - the second time I accidently sent it to HIM. ACK! The email could have been a lot worse, but still, how aweful! I laughed a lot about it at first - what else could I do? - but now it is just in the garbage can of misery along with everything else.

Thanks again for letting me vent!!!!!

One day at a time, I'm with you - no contact. If he ever does email me or whatever, you all will be the first to know!

Thanks.

March 18, 2005
1:39 pm
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Hurts

When I read your posts, I hear the same words that I use, like an internal dialogue.

It's been several months for me since I ended the relationship, and as each month comes around, I find myself day dreaming about the good times, the first kiss, the romantic walks and, the looks, just the closeness.. the dreams we shared..everything.. I have never loved anyone the way I loved my ex. I still love him.

Yet I ended it because we had broken up so many times, I was literally living in the fear of losing him, and this quickly developed into an obsessional love, where it felt as though my very existence depended upon him. I hadn't meant it to end, I was just testing him again, but he decided it was enough, and never again contacted me.

I fantasise about him still wanting me, and somehow coming back into my life. I wonder what he does, and what he remembers about our love affair. Whether he hates me, has moved on. Actually I know he has had another g/f after me, and that he has become succesful in his career, but, he has just broken up with this g/f, which makes me feel a tiny bit better. I have to see him around, and when I do, I can't believe he can just ignore me. It appears as though he has completely wiped me from his memory and this is what hurts so much - I just wish I hadn't been the one to end it. I wish if it had to end, it had been him that dumped me. I think I could have handled that better. I don't know

I still miss him, I always will. I feel like crying at times - the only person I have to be angry with is me, for ending it. So, I have only two choices, one is to hate myself for ending it, the other to be eaten away with regrets and what if's, while I am a spectator of his wonderful life.

I wish I knew what the answer was to moving on. I hear my friends knock that saying about like it was so simple. For me, and for you by the sound of it, it is not..

What do you do to take your mind off your ex? I would really like to know how someone else deals with this addiction and if you could give some insight into how to live with this pain???

~love charlie~

March 18, 2005
1:43 pm
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breakthecycle
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Charlie,

We must have been posting at the same time. I feel like you do. The thoughts of the moments together and all that. I can't take it!

I don't know how to get over it, but this is actually helping a bit.

I'm better when I am wrapped up in work. I come home late and so tired, I can't even think about it.

So, bottom line, I am also clueless, but at least we are not alone in the struggle.

March 18, 2005
1:52 pm
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HSB....It was not revenge I got on my ex. He is a very sick person and I told his family about him b/c he needed some help.
And I knew if he found out I told his family about his sickness, he would stay away.

I've never got revenge on anyone in my life....and never would !

March 19, 2005
10:24 am
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Hurts_so_bad
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Hi everyone - sorry I couldn't post yesterday, bu I didn't have a computer available. I was busy with contractors at my condo trying to get the last bit of remodeling done. What a nightmare that has been...lol

Breakthecycle - One of things i do when i"m obsessing about my ex is to try and concentrate on something else i.e., watching a funny movie, reading a book or focusing on a project that I'm doing. It's not always successful, but it does work most of the time.

As for how I live with the pain? I don't really do very well in that department. Don't get me wrong, I have my good days (and actually just recently I had several good WEEKS where I was just fine), but I'd say most of the days I think about him, wondering, like you, if today will be the day he writes, just waiting for little crumbs of acknowledgement.

That's why I am focusing on the "bad" parts of our relationship these past few days....because that's the only way I can keep from bursting out in tears and missing him. If I focused on how good it was in the beginning - I would drive myself nuts.

Funny thing is, I don't have any jealous feelings when I think about him and the woman he's seeing....so maybe that's a good sign. As a matter of fact, I really never think about her at all. Just him...

It's a good thing my relationship was long-distance. I don't have to deal with seeing him. I think that's in my favor right now.

Charlie - I know what you're saying about friends thinking we should be able to let go and move on....piece of cake....NOT!

For people like me with co-dependent issues it is not easy. I don't know if I"ll ever truly move on or just go through the motions. The best I can hope for is for the pain and memories to get less as time goes by. I honestly don't think I'll ever stop loving him. Hopefully I'll find someone someday that I'll care enough about to take the edge off the memories and hurt. I hope so.

peacesoul - sorry if I offended. I just meant it must have given you some satisfaction knowing that you were in control when you contacted his family and got him to stay away from you. Maybe revenge was the wrong choice of words.

March 19, 2005
11:08 am
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Hi all--

Hurts--

Hope you're feeling OK today...I just wanted to respond to something you had written the other day about my ex-"addiction" being romantic. Yeah it was and I didn't mean to give the impression we never slept together--We had a great thing for the first 1 1/2 years, hut he was living with someone else. We still managed to see each other about once a week and he constantly told me he wanted to leave her. Well, he didn't. It has been about one year since we've been together "that way" but he has been playing the push and pull game with me ever since--we've seen each other about 6 times, talked a lot, then he disappears and no contact. He just did it again 2 weeks ago. So I am in the same boat as you guys and I will tell you that it gets easier as time goes by. I accepted his crumbs for a long time and fantasized that some day it would be more. I kept taking him back and all the while he was living with this g/f, who by the way is now his fiance. He emailed me one month after he got engaged, telling me how much he missed and wanted me. Give me a break.

What I do to keep from obsessing (and I have done more than my share, day and night) is just plain keep busy. Working full time does take my mind off him. There is no other way. I was playing the email and text game obsessively for awhile but thank god I finally stopped. For now, anyway.

I miss him like crazy and just decided to accept this pain and that I cannot change anyone's behavior but my own. It hurts like hell, all the time, but I live with it.

To all--please read "FACING LOVE ADDICTION." It's great.

Take it easy on yourself and enjoy the weekend.

HUGS,
Rock

March 19, 2005
2:03 pm
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Hi Rock - I think you're right - keeping busy is probably the only way to stop obsessing. I know those days when I'm swamped with work are the easiest.

I was obsessing so badly about him last Thursday, it was sad. Today is much better -- I've got a full day of errands to do, and tonite I'm planning on going to dinner with a friend.

I feel at peace today. Don't get me wrong, he still pops into my mind, but as soon as he does, I stop myself. He's gone...even if he does write me. I think I was right - if he really had any interest in me, we would be talking about getting back together. I don't want to be his friend because of my feelings for him. So the only option I have is not to contact him anymore. Time heals all wounds (or so they say) and I can't wait until my "time" comes.

Have a great day today, Rock 🙂

March 19, 2005
2:55 pm
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HSB...no you did not offend me at all :- )

I just wanted to make it clear that I am not revengeful. Though of course I am human and from my pain have thought about revenge. But do not have the heart to hurt others the way they hurt me.

Karma is stronger than me and I will let karma do the dirty work..heheh

March 19, 2005
3:00 pm
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HSB.....also wanted to say...Good for you for realizing that no contact is the only option here.

Your day will come my friend...I promise you.

My ex pops in my mind all the time. I do not miss his abuse but miss what I thought we had.
This is going to happen, and when it does for me, I just think about how much he hurt me. I am better than him and he does not deserve anything from me. Neither does your ex...

I am only 2 months into my break up but I will win and will get over my obsession and so you will you. I can see you want to get better.

You go girl !

March 19, 2005
4:41 pm
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HSB

Sounds so similar to what I am going through. I probably project too much on him, wondering if he is sincere.

I know my ex, tried to stay silent as not to cause me more pain.

Today, the way I feel now we have started talking again, maybe she was right.

March 19, 2005
5:12 pm
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HSB, I am totally feeling you. I also think about him so much it is crazy. I cannot wait 'til I stop waking up and he does not come to my mind first thing. I also focus on the bad, so that I won't make contact, if not thining about his lips, his sexy sweet smile will make me want to cry and I have felt so misrable w/o him. You guys read "Facing Love Addiction" I hated to know that they don't miss us as we miss them they hurt but in a different way, and again similar. This whole thing is driving nuts.

March 19, 2005
10:14 pm
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Hi - Sorry I haven't posted again. My day was up and down, mostly down and its not over yet. I was just watching leagally blonde, awesome, funny, uplifting movie, but my happy tears at the end, if I let them go full blown, would turn into sobs of saddness. I can't evn handle it today. Just realizing that there is a name for this and other people go through makes me feel better. But sadly, it makes me want to apologize, explain it to him. But I won't. Its just so sad.

I am going before I get to going over the edge with this tearing up.

Thanks, everyone, for "listening".

March 19, 2005
10:27 pm
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P.S. Where is this "FACING LOVE ADDICTION"?

Also, do you guys woner how the world can be so unfair or seemingly unbalanced. As in, how can I have these huge enormous overwhelming feelings about someone who has none for me? It seems so, ug, wrong. Where does all the love go?

March 19, 2005
10:57 pm
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Wow! Break, I feel your pain.

How can I have all these huge overwhelming love feelings for the slime bag I just married. He's not worthy of me, he never was. I just keep telling myself that over and over again. I do have to thank him, though, for making it easier for me to say goodbye. His behavior was so unloving and the other woman's voice on the phone at 2AM was the final nail in the coffin. So, thank you, sh*tbag!! Thanks for never being there for me! Thanks for never coming home! Thanks for NOTHING except staying the hell out of my life!

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