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From Hurt_so_bad: Need Advice Urgently.....talk about karma...
March 15, 2005
10:34 pm
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Hurts_so_bad
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Hi Guys,

Just today I wrote willitgetbetter on my thread "I want to keep in touch" about being careful with contacting our ex's. I said that I wrote mine today but of course did not expect an answer....if he did answer it may cause me to start this whole rollercoaster over.

To make a long story short, in my e-mail today, I basically said that I still couldn't believe he could be so callous and not return my e-mails just because I told him (after our phone conversation January 29th) that I thought he was playing both me and the gal he is seeing I was totally honest in that e-mail I sent him over a month ago and left nothing to chance. I told him I was his Plan B, if he missed me and thought I was so damn attractive and sexy, why wasn't he with me?, etc. etc. Apparently he didn't like that e-mail because since then he disappeared from the face of the earth and never responded to my e-mails.....until today.

He wrote that he would respond if I promised to be cool. I definitely think he did not appreciate my bluntness when I told him I knew the game he was playing. Now my dilemna is this: 1) Now that he did acknowledge my existence and he is willing to correspond -- what the heck do I talk about? I'm afraid I'm going to start "imagining" feelings on his part that aren't there....wishful thinking if you will. What if he starts flirting? What do I do? Should I now wait for him to write? I don't know how to act with him now, but by the same token, I want to be able to be myself. I'm assuming he's still seeing this other woman, and I definitely don't want to bring up any topics where he might bring her into the conversation......

Man, I never thought he would actually respond to me anymore....it's been almost 2 months.....I kept writing because it made it easier for me to move on - knowing I could tell him whatever I wanted and since he never wrote back - I got to lay my feelings and thoughts out there without having to worry about his responses hurting me....Does that make sense?

How should I proceed? Please guys, I need everyone's thoughts on this....male and female.....sigh

March 15, 2005
10:57 pm
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bonita1
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Hurt so bad,

With all due respect, please just walk away from this guy. He is not that into you if it took 2 months to respond and you have been sending constant e-mails....I cringe because it feels like deja vu, like what I would have done in the not so distant past.

Girl, block his e-mail address quick and stay out of touch. NO CONTACT! You are addicted to the roller coaster ride and Its going to crash with you on it.

Writing so many e-mails to an unresponsive man is called obsessing and it's pathetic (I'm sorry to be so blunt, and I don't mean to hurt your feelings, but you've got to stop for the sake of your sanity) You are giving all the control of your life and emotions to this heel who will only continue to treat you like a doormat.

I would like to share this affirmation with you from Joy Miller's book, "Addictive Relationships," :

"Today I start relieving others of the responsibility for making me happy. In this way I can begin intimate relationships based upon mutual caring, not on need. This day I acknowledge that I am a full, rich and complete person. I deserve a relationship, not to make me happy, but to share the richness of who I am in totality with another....As we move forward, we must allow ourself the time to reflect upon our past to see where we have been, so we may create where we are going in the now. A common slogan utilized in recovery and used earlier in this book is IF YOU DO WHAT YOU DID, YOU GET WHAT YOU GOT!...You have discovered that you no longer want what you got-you have done what you did long enough. Now is time for the changes in your life..."

Hurt so bad, read this book, I am still working on it and starting to journal because I am sick and tired of what I got with my 2 exes and I am going to stop doing what I did. I deserve better. You deserve better,too, you really do!

((((HUGS))))))

Bonita

March 15, 2005
11:09 pm
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Hurts_so_bad
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bonita1 - thanks for your point of view. No offense taken about me being pathetic. I already knew that...lol. In my defense, however, I did not spend the past 2 months constantly sending him e-mails....maybe I sent 4 or 5. It was my way of getting my feelings out in the open, and yes, maybe trying to make him feel at least a little lousy for what he did. I couldn't just let him walk away without knowing what a jerk he had been.

I sure hope you're wrong about me being addicted to the rollercoaster ride. Believe it or not, I don't enjoy the pain that comes with that ride. I know I have co-dependent issues and I do attend CODA meetings which have helped.

To be honest, I think my actions are not all that abnormal. Reading these threads, it seems to me that a lot of us regress on occasion. We just need to pick ourselves up and move on the best way we know how.

I'm very confused right now. Don't know what to do next.

March 15, 2005
11:10 pm
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sdesigns
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"Man, I never thought he would actually respond to me anymore....it's been almost 2 months.....I kept writing because it made it easier for me to move on - knowing I could tell him whatever I wanted and since he never wrote back - I got to lay my feelings and thoughts out there without having to worry about his responses hurting me....Does that make sense?"

It makes sense in the fact that you were still trying to get a response from him. Thats not trying to move on- that is having a relationship w/ someone who is not having a relationship w/ you. He may have responded because he wants you to stop (sorry, but thats how it seems). I think his sielnce tells the story. No I wouldn't contact him again. I wouldn't get my hopes up. But you're already fantasizing about if he flirts, etc.

He has moved on, he has the right to move on and you have to respect that. I have been where you are and believe me, all of this contacting, fantasizing, etc will get you nowhere except prolonging the pain.

I'm afraid I agree with Bonita.

Good luck to you. SD

March 15, 2005
11:12 pm
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GullyFoyle
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You know, when my wife split and I was sending her emails, she would respond either, unless it dealt directly with a family business issue, like our sons or something. So I stopped sending her the emails. What I did was write them and save them as drafts, for which I am grateful now. I was both weepy and hateful, sometimes in the same sentence. But then I sent one asking her to come back and she did. (See how's gully or spiraling down for the ugly details, if you like)

But I have to say that you did expect a response eventually or else why write him. I know that you want to move on, you say so, but we still cling to our old thoughts and memories and truthfully, our fantasies.

mY suggestion would be to stop contacting him. Try to drop the whole thing. If he contacts you, tell him that it was a mistake for you to send him the emails, that you apoligize (just a nice way to blow him off) and never to contact you again. And that you will do the same.

No one deserves to be plan B. You deserve to be Plan A, always. So why accept that? The guy sounds like a player. It's one thing to maybe go on several casual dates with more than one woman (I don't know cause I never played that game) but developing a BF/GF relationship with more than one woman just seems callous to me. You need to drop this guy and find someone that wants to share with you exclusively, if that's what you're looking for.

You deserve to be the only and the most important woman in a man's life. I have learned that you shouldn't be the most impostant thing in his life, that is unhealthy. But you should be the most important woman. There are nice guys out there that will treat you right and treat you with respect.

Just some thoughts.

Gully

March 15, 2005
11:24 pm
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Hurts_so_bad
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Ouch....but thanks Gully and SD for your honesty. No, I didn't want to hear any of this, but that's why I come to this site - because I know I'll get unbiased opinions. And I know that you are just trying to help me see things clearly.

Maybe you guys are right, maybe I did want to hear from him. I was feeling much, much better though these past few weeks and I really thought I was getting stronger. But then, what do I know.....

I'll try not to write him, besides that's part of the reason I posted this.....because I have no idea what to say to him anyway.

March 16, 2005
12:27 am
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bonita1
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TDear Hurt,
Of course your actions are not abnormal. I'm sorry if I gave that impression. I've obsessed and yes sometimes I've fallen (and I can't get up LOL) again and do the same behavior over and over. That's why we say its recovery and not a cure! LOL

I wish there were a cure. I don't look forward to a lifetime of falling down and picking myself up. I want to be perfectly well and not co-dependent. Darn! There goes that co-dependency again, that wanting to be perfect and do things perfectly. lol

March 16, 2005
12:48 am
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bonita1
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Hurt, I just wanted to say that I didn't say you were pathetic! Geez! I wouldn't throw stones at anyone. I said that the obsessing about the ex was pathetic, never you. Just wanted to set that straight.

----Bonita

March 16, 2005
1:24 am
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I say no more contact hurts.

A relationship- any chance of one- he killed. Not responding to you was cruel- you were ignored, punished. Your feelings went unacknowledged for 2 months. Not okay. And now he says he will talk with you, but it has to be on his terms? Not cool.

You deserve much more than this.

I know it hurts, but your thoughts and feelings have fallen on deaf ears- he doesn't care hurts. He doesn't care. I know you want him to, but he ignored you hoping you would just go away.

You will find somebody else, in time. Keep that faith.

hugs to you

free

March 16, 2005
1:57 am
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Hurts_so_bad

None of us wants to be cruel. What you are going through is cruel enough. I think that we were speaking from experience, hoping to spare you the anguish and turmoil we have suffered. Of course, I can only speak for myself, but I feel that is the case in the previous postings.

It is out of my concern (and the others, I am sure) that we were so blunt. What I am experiencing now, with the situation with my EX/STBX/Roomie, I wouldn't wish upon anyone, except maybe the bastards that treat women the way you are being treated. Sorry, Sorry... It just puts me in a bad space. It angers me to see you marginalized like this. And I have anger just under the surface.

I know you deserve better. I know that is what you want. But our fantasies get in the way of what we know is best. I sit around, analyzing what she says, what she does, in the hope of seeing just the glimmer that maybe she will come back. But like I said, it is fantasy. Wishful thinking, whatever you want to call it.

That stops us from moving on. The other one has, even when they seem to come back. We just read what we want into it.

In my case, it is simply economics and taking care of the boys. In yours, he may be seeing some desparation that he may be able to exploit. That is one of the things about my gender that I hate, especially the manipulative ones. They use your feminine qualities, your love, your emotions, to maintain a hold over you. To keep you as "Plan B" as you say.

No. It is time for you to move on. Take your time. Drop this man. You are denying other men more worthy of you, the opportunity to know you.

Gully

March 16, 2005
2:42 am
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Hey hurts,

I have been in the same position, and I can relate exactly to your feelings. I am still dealing with mine, and it has been many months now, with no chance of a reconcilliation.
I sent a couple of texts which at the time , I just had to send, and then regreted - but in hind sight, like you, I think I had to say those things to him and since I got no reply I could see that there was no more interest on his side.

I am 38 years old, I have gone out with my share of guys, I've travelled and been married and have two young children. I have experienced the death of a parent, I have loved many people - but NOTHING prepared me for this guy. NOTHING. I have never felt so much IN-LOVE before. It was the single most painful experience of my life, and still haunts me today. But, having read alot of threads on the subject of co-dependence, obsession, need vs want, I realise that it was just not right somehow; that I was addicted to the rollercoaster - and that like a lemming, I would go back to the ride one more time. But we all know what happens to lemmings....and my life is worth more than that.

You have heard back from your ex - and I can only imagine how I would feel if mine contacted me - euphoria, relief, confusion, sparks...

But, like all the others have said, it's a case of reading between the lines on this one, seeing the red flags, feeling the doubt - and acting on it with strength and courage..

I truly wish you well - and I know how hard this is for you. Your journey will be full of ups and downs - but it will find it's way. You will find your way..

~love charlie~

March 16, 2005
8:08 am
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Hi lovely Hurts....

you just keep staying strong honey! You have been doing really well and we all slip sometimes...that is normal.

Just don't get caught up in his web again; you don't want to "play it cool" and be his little lackey or "bit on the side". I know you are better than that.

I know you are "addicted" to the ups and the downs; the passion of this relationship.....and it so like being high isn't it....there is always the big comedown in a relationship like this. Don't do it to yourself anymore. I'm here with you....try to be strong and not call him anymore and stay busy and keep posting here but DONT EMAIL...he has you right where he wants you.

take care; and don't be so hard on yourself you are a lovely caring person who deserves much more than this.

xxx

March 16, 2005
8:23 am
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I would have to agree with everyone here- you're still fully engaged, and he's going to reel you back in if you don't cut it off completely. You'll never be able to get the closure/resolution/apology/remorse you're looking for from him, no matter how eloquently you present your side- no matter how direct you may be- no matter how you behave- you can't make him give you that. Give it to yourself hon...that's what I'm trying to do...join our "NO contact" club and resolve to deal with the loneliness and emptiness that comes after breaking an addiction.

It's the only way you'll ever be free- at least that's what I think. My ex was/is truly horrible to me, but I finally realize that I'm not going to get my apology, no matter what approach I use. If I spend my life waiting for him to be sorry, then I give all my power to him. I can be happy whether he is sorry or thinks I'm a horrible person. Who cares what he thinks...I'm the one who has to live with me.

You'll get there...sometimes, it takes a few more "burns" before we learn that fire is HOT and HURTS and decide not to touch it. I got burned 3 times before I got it...

So sorry you're hurting- it truly sucks but I swear to you...when you're truly willing to let go and turn inside, life gets so much better! šŸ™‚

March 16, 2005
9:10 am
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Dear HSB,

I feel for your pain. I used to be like that, until I developed my spirituality and learned that I am a precious creature worthy of receiving love, not just giving love to others.

A co-dep relationship is one-sided relationship where one gives generously without any receiving any from the othe party. It is unfair, it provokes resentment, rage and stagnation.

Find a good church in your area, a good pastor, or elder you feel comfortable with and can share your feelings. Practice praying and fasting. There is so much healing in this discipline.

Most of us come from dysfunctional families, no one showed us the right way or healthy way to relate to things. So we grew up making bad choices, lousy relationships etc. We need to grow and develop, otherwise we will stay stagnant. Stagnation is horrible. It does not allow evolution and fulfillment.

Sweeitie, your ex has already gave you the answer to your heart's desire. He said "if you play it cool, he will probably contact you." What more do you want than that. I.E., if you both were meant to each other, you will both come back to each other. So, release him, sweetie, and while waiting for this if he were the right man for you, keep yourself busy while working on improving yourself. Give him time to think things over, to sort through things. People are different in their approach to love. Some people fall in love quickly; others take time to fall in love or realize it. I think he could probably be the latter; while you are the former. Instead of projecting your wish upon him, respect his space, give him time. When you respect him, he will respect you. But what you are doing now with this obsession, is only pushing him away from you.

HSB, I was in this obsessive attitude only 1 year & 1/2 back with male friend of mine. I really hated my self!!! I prayed to God to take away that passion. I also fasted. Now, I became more balanced & stopped any contact with my friend, unless it's him who contacts me. I still have feelings to my friend, but I am waiting on the Lord to see if he is the right one. You can do the same, sweetie.

Keep venting, we are all here for you & keep praying for you, God is for you,

(((((Kisses)))))

Rasputin

March 16, 2005
10:44 am
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Hurts_so_bad
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THANK YOU - THANK YOU EVERYONE!

Now that I have had time to "sleep on it", I realize you guys are absolutely correct in that I shouldn't contact him anymore.

I took one BIG step backwards, but I'm recovering. He did ignore me for 2 months, didn't care how much I was hurting and I do deserve much, much better! He is a total jerk. I always thought he was such a compassionate man....I guess that only applies when he wants something.

Until he actually responded, I was feeling stronger, then a one-line e-mail throws me in a tailspin....he's DEFINITELY toxic to me. I feel a bit silly for having even written those e-mails, sooooo, I will take Gully's suggestion and IF I still get the urge to write, I'll write them and safe them as a draft only. I think I might want to use the "draft" form to really tell him off....I think right about now it would make me feel a heck of lot better.

Again, thanks for all your input. And even though I didn't like hearing any of it, I know it was said with my welfare in mind and I truly appreciate it and love you guys for caring so much.

And I don't have to tell you that I will be posting to vent and asking for support.....probably for quite some time.

March 16, 2005
11:09 am
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hurts- I have really come to realize that the only way to just move on is to NOT email, not call no matter how much you want him to know how you feel, or what he did.

I have to agree with everyone else, and I won't lie it is going to be HARD to do especially since you have been keeping contact the past 2 months.

I have two Mr. jack's in my phone just because I know two people with that same name, and I was going through my phone book and I meant to call the other person I know with that name because he is our process server at work, and ended up calling my ex yesterday it went to his voicemail which is new and has a new company with it, which means he got a new job, and I was curious and so forth but I didn't leave a message.

Honestly I don't even care that he sees I called, he can think whatever, I know it was an accident.

BUT then I started thinking what is he up too. When if I hadn't accidentally called him I would have been MUCH better.

I deleted everything of him from everywhere now, so I don't ever have to wonder.

THe only way you will move on is to move on. NOT contact him, not think about him (or try not too).

I promise it does get better and easier but it takes TIME.

March 16, 2005
11:30 am
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It just ticks me off that I was doing so well (or so I thought anyway) and then as soon as I hear from him, I go right back to square one with my feelings. Geez...I hate that about me.

So, my goal for today is NOT to write him - even if it kills me. I can see now how destructive contact can be if one has moved on and the other still has feelings. Should have listened to everyone's advice.....but then I definitely have a stubborn streak in me...lol

March 16, 2005
6:29 pm
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Just about made it a whole day without writing.....couple more hours and I'll be home reading a book and having a nice cup of tea and trying to forget this whole ordeal.

March 16, 2005
7:08 pm
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UPDATE: Just as I finished with my last post, lo and behold, an email from the jerk. Asking how I've been, what have I been up to? Have I been behaving? Yada, Yada, Yada....like nothing happened. I DID NOT RESPOND!!
One brownie point for ME!!

March 16, 2005
10:33 pm
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good for you ur sooo bad thanks to everyone im on 2.5 weeks of no contact i find my thinking is starting to clear these kind of people really get our monds screwed up thanks this thread gave me a lot of confidence in the no contact approach

March 16, 2005
10:46 pm
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Hi Hurts: Good girl!! One giant brownie point for you. Let him sweat this time. Let him wonder. But don't even give it another thought. I know you are tempted right now to respond- I know it! But sleep on this one too, OK?

Yeah Gully's idea is a great one re: the drafts. Or write in your journal- and really let it fly! Don't hold back. Purge all of his crap out of your system. Just try to remember the bad stuff and ask yourself if you want to experience all of that again- NO. Would it be different this time- NO. I know it takes time to heal- it takes a long time- but you will. And you'll be smarter and more aware next time of what you want and what you deserve. You can do it! SD

March 16, 2005
11:08 pm
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sdesigns - thanks for the encouragement. I don't want to continue feeling this pain over and over again. And you're right, I am tempted, but I'm trying very hard to ignore the desire to write back.

Intellectually I know that I can't make him care for me, or make him come back to me. Emotionally, well, that's a different story. I don't know why I've got myself convinced that if I'm persistent, I'll get my way in the end. That doesn't make any sense....it's never worked before - why would it work now?

This co-dependent stuff is really a tough addiction to get over. Harder than trying to quit smoking. I smoked for over 15 years and quit cold turkey......I took it up again for a brief period after 2 years of not smoking....now it's been 10 yrs since I last lit up and I have no desire to start smoking again....but this addiction to my ex b/f is really scary. I can't remember any relationship that I have had where I kept trying and trying to get back together for this long a period. We've been broken up for just about a year....and I still can't get him out of my system. When is this going to stop?

I know everyone says I should go out and have fun, etc., etc. I have tried, I've dated and I just ended up feeling worse because I keep comparing everyone I go out with to him. I just can't bring myself to date right now. I like myself, I enjoy being by myself.....I just can't get him out of my mind. Sometimes I wonder if I wouldn't lose interest in him if he decided he wanted me back. Maybe I'm one of those people that only wants what they can't have. Gosh, I hope not, otherwise I'll be in for more trouble.

Sometimes I even wonder if what I still feel for him is "love". I know that sounds strange since I'm not able to let go, but still.....sometimes I wonder if I'm upset because he broke things off with me. Is that a co-dependent symptom? I just don't know. Could I picture myself moving up North to be with him and leave my career and family behind? I'm not sure I could....and if that's the case - am I really in love with him?

Wish I had a crystal ball šŸ™‚

March 16, 2005
11:59 pm
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ron987 - congrats on your 2.5 weeks of no contact. Hope I'll get there soon. I can't take much more of this.

March 17, 2005
12:54 am
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Hi Hurts: I know what you mean about not being able to get him out of your system. He's always going to be there because he's part of your history now but some day he won't be as important. I still think about my ex every day but I sure don't want to ever have him back. It takes a long time for me to get proper perspective on things like this but now that I do, I could never go back to that. I would like to think I have grown as a person and learned some lessons. But I too have not found anyone to replace him and that bothers me. I don't mind spending time alone for the most part but I do miss the companionship. And knowing that he always has someone, although there have been a lot of someones, makes me lonely and even jealous sometimes. The last few times he emailed me and invited me over (for sex) I couldn't imagine myself ever seeing him again. I don't even want to hear the sound of his voice. I changed my email address in January because I don't want any of his surprise emails anymore. I still see him occasionally (he lives where I live) but we don't even acknowledge each other. It shakes me up a little each time but each time a little less. I can't wait for the day it doesn't bother me at all. Somehow you need to try and put some distance between him and your thoughts. I found that going on vacation helped- gets you away from the places of your memories of him. You'll get there- it just takes time. Wishing you the best. SD

March 17, 2005
1:35 am
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hey hurts

Good for you!! I think you are starting to look at things differently, maybe recognising your behaviour as not being good, for the most important person in this equation - YOU!!

Just one thing though, do you think it would be better to respond to his e-mail, if only to tell him that you have decided to move on; otherwise, it still kind of leaves things open-ended because he has replied to you. I have been in that situation, where it still feels a bit like being in limbo - which is just a temporary respite from finality?

~love charlie~

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