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Friendship - Advice Needed
August 24, 2000
12:37 pm
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Mary9
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September 24, 2010
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I am a 40 yr old heterosexual female, who for the last 4 years has had a very good friend (who is married) that I spend much of my spare time with. While I have many friends, this has been the first "best friend" that I have had since I was in high school. Over the last six months, my friend has become more and more distant. This seemed to start when I started to date a new man -- she said that since I was not "in-love" that she didnt want to meet him. We used to talk by phone every day, and hung out when neither of us had other commitments. I get along great with her husband and kids.
I have been very troubled that the relationship has begun to wane. I have asked her to talk to me about it, but get excuses. In the last month, I feel that we have become strangers. I dont know how to move on, as it seems clear to me that this friend does not know how to admit that the friendship has sunset. As a result, because I felt that I had found such a good friend, that I have not been released to move on.... Help. I need advice on how to move on, as I keep wanting our relationship to return it where it once was.

August 24, 2000
1:39 pm
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Venus22107
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Mary9, I went through a very similar situation just a few months ago. For two years, I have hung out with my best friend and her boyfriend. We spent all of our spare time together and loved each others company whether her boyfriend was there or not. I started dating an older man with a son and didn't come around as often. I would still go do things with her every weekend but I wasn't around everyday like I had been. She refused to meet my boyfriend and accused me of "hiding" or "playing it safe" because of our age difference. When i tried to explain to her how happy i was and how great things were going she would abruptly cut me off and change the subject. It got to a point where i didn't want to be around her. I was happy in my new relationship and my best friend of two years couldn't support me in that. It turns out that the reason she had a hard time accepting me dating anyone was because she was jealous. She wanted me to have one and only one person in my life and in her eyes that was her. Although it broke my heart to do so, I ended our friendship. My boyfriend and I have been seeing each other steadily and plan to be married. I hate to think that if I had listened to my friend and not gone through with this relationship, i would have missed out on the best thing in my life. It's never easy losing your friends and it is hard to move on ecspecially when you find such a wonderful friend. But if in anyway she is holding you back or being unsupportive, maybe you should examine the relationship that you and your friend have. It has always been my belief that a true friend will care for you no matter what and will believe and support what you do and who you are.

August 24, 2000
1:56 pm
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Mary9
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Venus - thanks. Its funny, but I began dating this guy in January. I was not very serious about him, so in May, when it was clear that it was one-sided, I ended it with him. During these months, this was the first guy that I had dated more than a few times since my friend and I had been friends. In April, when I asked her about why she didnt want to meet him, her reaction was -- well you are not in love, so there is no point. And then she said that when I had asked, I always made it inconvenient for her and her husband.
Now that I am no longer seeing him, she has become ever more distant - to the point that I have not seen her in 3 weeks, and the only time we talk, is when I call her. I would have ended the relationship with the guy regardless of her, as he was just not what I need right now -- but now I seem to have lost her also, which I find very hurtful, especially as she wont talk to me about whatever is going on..... I am one who talks about my reltionships, and I cant seem to get her to talk.
More help would be appreciated.

August 24, 2000
8:43 pm
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Venus22107
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Mary9, I know that it isn't easy for you. Losing a friend never is. But you can't make her talk if she doesn't want to. Maybe what you both need is a break from one another and all the stress that this relationship is putting on the both of you. Take a few days and just think things over. Decide if you really need a friend who feels that you are inconviencing her and her husband. When the initial hurt seems to subsides, it might be easier for you to talk to her. You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make him drink. In other words, you can call her every day for the rest of your life, but if she doesn't want to talk, she won't. You say that you want your friendship to return to how it once was. But how can you achieve this if you are the only one willing to work on it? It must be a two way street in order for it to work. And as hard as it may be, if she isn't willing, you will have to accept that the friendship has come to an end. If this is the case, remember her for all the good things she has brought into your life and all the fun you had together. Process what has happened and why, accept it for what it is, and try and move on. I still miss my friend terribly. We have tried several times to work things out but we always end up fighting. I try to focus on the good things she brought into my life and wish her happiness wherever she may be. But she can't accept me for who I am. I can't change the way she feels. And if I try and change my life to make her happy, I am only doing myself a grave injustice. You can't change the way your friend feels. I am very sorry for your loss. I completely understand where you are coming from. You want to do something, ANYTHING, but your not sure what or how to even go about fixing the situation. With her not really discussing it, your not clear on what's broken. It's all very frustrating, I know. Until she is willing to open up the lines of communication, there really isn't anything at all you can do. I know probably isn't what you wanted to hear. It usually never is. I hope things get better for you. And if you would like to talk more, i would be happy to listen. I do hope that things work out for the both of you. Try and stay positive. But if she doesn't communicate, how would you ever really be able to be friends again?

venus

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