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Friends after you find out you're CD
June 2, 2006
1:22 pm
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florida mom
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Once you look at relationships from a CD point of view, that is you know that you ARE CD. You realize that many people you thought were your friends really are not. You are either used (because they can), or you simply were reading more into the relationship than you should.

Maybe I have been trying to create friendships that were never there.

And if you have been controled by someone, abuse or whatever, they have gotten rid of any friends that you did have.

I feel like the only person I have is my husband, the one who has been emotionally abusing me for years. It's awfull to be so alone. Is this normal... This really stinks.

June 2, 2006
3:39 pm
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garfield9547
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florida mom

You said

"I feel like the only person I have is my husband, the one who has been emotionally abusing me for years. It's awfull to be so alone. Is this normal... This really stinks."

For me this is NOT normal. Seems like your self-esteem is way to low. He emotionally abuses you and you except this because of low self-esteem.

This is just my 2 sents

Garfield

June 2, 2006
3:43 pm
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CAMER
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true what Garfield said, plus also you may be "stuck" thinking there are no other options and this is how life is.......you can change, you do have choices.

June 2, 2006
4:17 pm
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StronginHim77
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Dear Florida Mom,

I was married for nearly twenty years to a man who emotionally neglected and verbally abused me. I think it completely broke down my self esteem. He died three years ago and what have I done? Hooked up with a man who is as emotionally unavailable and verbally cold and cruel as my late husband. I am not sure how to ever recover my self-esteem. My sons see this and are very upset with me for not standing up for myself and walking away from this man. They are 21 and 17; neither can understand why I don't just walk away. I don't know why I lack the strength to do it, either, even after 8 months of therapy.

It is hard. I understand what you are feeling. Remember that you have no reason to feel ashamed of yourself. We must both find a way to break out of the isolation our abusers put us into (I have no close friends now, either; my abusive BF has successfully isolated me), so that we can gain a more positive and encouraging perspective of ourselves through genuine friendships.

That is part of our recovery.

Love,

Strong

June 2, 2006
4:39 pm
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garfield9547
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StronginHim

You said

"My sons see this and are very upset with me for not standing up for myself and walking away from this man
'

I want to talk to you tonight. You always give good advice to others. You never however reach out for help for yourself, This is the place if you feel up to it.

Start a thread Strong on something YOU nead advice on. There's a lots of people thats here to give advice.

I just felt I needed to tell this to you.

I also feel for your sons. They feel helpless. I feel for you.

(((((((((((Strong))))))))))

Garfield

June 2, 2006
6:43 pm
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revelation
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Hi Florida Mom,

You put into words exactly what I am feeling. I have no friends because my ex drove them all away. I have tried to build back friendships, with these people who I thought were close to me...but they are keeping their distance, for whatever reason. I was very upset about this for a while...but ya know what, being upset about it won't do any good, and trying to stay in contact with people who don't want to know you is just going to destroy what little self-esteem you have left. Me? I'm working on my self-esteem right now, I'm making some new friends, I'm in touch with the old ones, but I'm not going to go out of my way to contact them...I did for a while and I apologised to them all...they are friendly but distant...to me that seems a bit curle after what I've been through, but hey, I did abandon them for him, so I suppose thats their perogative. I'm not waiting around for them to make up their minds about me, they either except me for who I am or not, either way, I'm not sitting around moping, I'm getting out there and meeting new people!

Rev.

June 5, 2006
9:09 am
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florida mom
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Stonginhim,
My older children (from a prior marriage) feel the same as yours.

They cannot stand my husband. My oldest is now 21 and out on his own and never wants to come over because of him. I am just so glad that he was strong enough not to be effected by his taunting.

This isolation is killing be. I think that is one reason it is so hard to walk away. Because I have no one besides my children.

It is so hard to make friends, I feel like I am asking for friendship and it won't happen otherwise. I feels so different around new people. I find it hard to speak inteligently, like my brain is disconnected from my mouth. I think because I have been quiet for so long (because no one was listening) I just don't know how to socialize anymore.

June 5, 2006
9:49 am
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sleepless in uk
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Hello all...I havre exactly the same feelings described....my husband of 20 years has me pretty much where he wants me, he has alienated others, derided and criticisedme and generally made me feel worthless....

but I am getting a bit back , I have been going to coda meetings and counselling, I have visited this site which has been really supportive but most of all I have really been looking at myself and my own behaviours and thought about how I can change them....I have made really tiny baby steps and set tiny little boundaries but it has had an impact..

I would have said I had no control over my life or what happens in it; I thought I was just his chattel to do as he pleased, I walked on eggshells rather thsn stand up to him for fear of upsetting him but I have to keep telling myself now HE IS ONLY A MAN!!!! Why have I let this happen?

Probably because of the way I was raised... and Im afraid I have never yet even been able to discuss that with my therapist because it is still too painful...

..but my point is that whatever has gone before is something I cant change...I have no control over it. But I can start changing my behaviour now and be stronger and stand up on my own...Jeez I have no idea what the future holds but 'if you always do what you always did then you always get what you always got'....i like that quote..

anyway I just wanted to say that to everyone...nobody ould be more of a hopeless case than me but I am really really trying not to let myself slip back into that huge black hole that sometimes can sem so tempting

peace and strength to every single on of us struggling

love sleepless

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