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Friendma still struggling
November 8, 2006
4:19 pm
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Friendma
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November 8, 2006
4:22 pm
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lovinglife
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was wondering about you just a bit ago

November 8, 2006
4:26 pm
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Friendma
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I was on last night. I made it through without cutting. Today seems to be worse than yesterday. I just don't understand why I am struggling so much. The pain is so very real and so very present. I just feel lost, and torn up inside. I want to get better and try to become normal but I feel like a lost cause. I feel like such a failure, I feel like a freak of nature. Is any of this making sense?

November 8, 2006
4:28 pm
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Friendma
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Lovinglife, thanks for responding. It feels good to be thought of. I feel so many times like I am alone. I don't feel understood by my family. It's so hard to feel alone and misunderstood.

November 8, 2006
4:29 pm
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ggfred4
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((((friendma))))),I did not introduce myself properly with you the other night...I am gg, I was molested, assaulted, and started cutting myself...I understand your feelings and so do many people on this site...That is why we are here, to support one another...yet, sometimes we don't have the answers,,,,sometimes, time itself is the answer...

You survived last night...so you have it within you...yet you are in a battle within...don't give up...keep fighting,,,keep talking...and take care of yourself....

gg

November 8, 2006
4:43 pm
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lovinglife
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Friendma , yes it makes sense AND I can relate to *feeling like a freak of nature* as you say.

How did you make it through last night?

November 8, 2006
4:55 pm
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I watched tv and then went to bed. I finally ended up telling my boyfriend that I felt like cutting and he held me, we didn't discuss anything, cause I couldn't. My kids are coming over Fri. night so I am trying to hold on to that and not cut. If I cut I will probably end up in the hospital and won't be able to see the kids.

November 8, 2006
4:57 pm
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lovinglife
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Friendma- what starts the thoughts about cutting???

November 8, 2006
5:01 pm
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Friendma
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A coping mechanism. My world starts to spin out of control and I try to find control and cutting has been my way to make it through. Does that make any sense?

November 8, 2006
5:01 pm
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lovinglife
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the reason why I asked (I am not a cutter) is because there have been many times in my life where I've done something to hurt myself. And there is something that will set my negetive thoughts off in my head and then it quickly spirals. Trying to think of an example...

And do you have a hot line you call and when times like these come up?

November 8, 2006
5:05 pm
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lovinglife
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yes, *A coping mechanism* makes sense. Dealing with the interal pain...it's a release.

What things have you tried thus far to find a replacement for this *coping mechanism*?

And this may sound way off the wall but I know of someone who cuts and she finds holding ice, playing with ice in her hands helps the urge pass.

November 8, 2006
5:06 pm
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Friendma
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Yeah there is a hotline to call, but they will want to hospitalize me and my kids are coming over in two days so it's not an option. Even if the kids were not coming I would not call the hotline cause I don't want to be hospitalized. Does that make sense?

November 8, 2006
5:08 pm
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lovinglife
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being held helped the urge pass...just was re-reading from above...

and Friendma you are not a lost cause...it seems that way when we haven't found the one thing that works for us. Would imagine you have been through counseling, yes? And are on meds as well?

November 8, 2006
5:14 pm
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lovinglife
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also with your babies coming this weekend that is helping you hold on...

Friendma I wished I directly understood it more...I know what it feels like to be impulsive or do something that is not in the best interest of my emotionally health, but I am getting better partly because I 'm learning why I have done the things I have done (getting educated) as well as replacing those negetive things I want to do with something that won't hurt me.

November 8, 2006
5:15 pm
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Friendma
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Yes, I am on med's. I take my night time meds fine but I struggle to take my morning meds. I am so deppressed that my sleep schedule is all over the place and I don't get up at a regular time so I struggle to take my meds and also I don't really want to take my meds so there is a lack of desire to take them, I mean I know I need them and all but it is still difficult. I have had counseling since I was young and on and off through adulthood, and now I go regularly to counseling, Just don't seem to be getting anywhere, maybe I am and I just don't know it, just feel like I am a lost cause, unable to find healing. I'm just hurting so bad. I just don't feel like I can go on. I don't know what to do. I am feeling lost and scared.

November 8, 2006
5:29 pm
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lovinglife
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You mentioned the lack of desire to take your meds - sounds like depression- which all of it is a vicious cycle. Now I have never been one for meds myself-(how I got pregnant with my 2nd son- keep forgetting to take the pill : ) and always thought I could work it out on my own- regarding my mental health issues….however finding that I just might need a little something to keep me balanced. In fact this Friday I have a doctors appt and this will be the first time I will be asking for a med for depression. I have been taking Zyban to quit smoking and though I'm still a smoking- I feel so much better mentally. Almost scared to quit taking them now- don't want to go back to where I was if in fact the med is helping even a little. Also I have worked with people that once the right med is found that works well with their body chemistry it has done wonders.

ok - now your meds. Could you set an alarm clock for your morning meds then reset it for your night meds??? (and I can relate about a sleep schedule being all over the place). Perhaps if you give it a try to start taking the meds on a regular consistent basis that it might start picking up. The other thing is how can you or your doctor know if the particular meds you are on work or not work--- thinking about trying different meds.

November 8, 2006
5:34 pm
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cyndra820
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Hi FriendMa,

Just dropping in to give you some support. I think LL's idea about an alrm clock for the meds is worth a try.

I know alot about depression and meds. I was on Welbutrin for a time and my exh is on Paxil. Taking the meds was a struggle for him.
((((FRIENDMA))))

Love,
Cyndra

November 8, 2006
5:36 pm
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These meds are working better than any I tried in over two years. I am working on setting the alarm but I keep turning it off and going back to sleep. I'm just a mess, I can't even get my meds right and all I have to do is take them. I am just disqusted with myself. The deppression is so overwhelming. I feel like I am drowning. Hard to stay focused on anything, I just want to stop hurting and being such a mess.

November 8, 2006
5:39 pm
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Friendma
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Cyndra, thank you for your support. Just having another bad day. Thank you for responding to me, I appreciate it.

November 8, 2006
5:43 pm
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lovinglife
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Friendma I feel so much for you. I understand depression all to well, I understand the feeling of hopelessness...perhaps not to the extent of what you are feeling today but I've been right at the bottom too many times to count....and I know that there is help out there---- no one is a lost cause---- no one.

I too have felt at one time that I just couldn't go on...what pulled me out of it.... I think hope, don't know. Being a fighter, don't know. All I know is there's been times in my life that I didn't think I'd see tommorrow and even wanted to wake up to see tommorrow. It is no way to live.

YOu just have to keep up the fight....you have found your way here ( you still feel that there is hope).

Now back to cutting...Have you looked online regarding cutting?? Found websites where others have pulled themselves through and are know sharing what they did/do? Think about the times the you managed to get passed the urge...what were the circumstances and write them down. I think part of the journey to getting better is learning about ourselves- what works for us. Each person is going to be so different.

November 8, 2006
5:48 pm
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lovinglife
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Friendma - and turning the alarm off and going back to sleep - here-here too!

However if its something I'm looking forward to doing that I have no problem getting up. OK- let me ask you this... if you knew without a doubt that taking your meds on a consistent regular basis would get the feeling of heaviness to lift...would that get you up instead of turning off the alarm clock???

And I am not suggesting that the taking the meds stuff is going to do the trick for you...but it's the process of elimination.

November 8, 2006
5:52 pm
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lovinglife
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Friendma - I have to leave for a bit...I'll check back on you though : )

I am so happy you found you're way here...this place sure has a way of letting others know that we are not alone in our pain, in our walk to wellness. Just keep writing, keep talking... ((((Friendma))))

November 8, 2006
5:58 pm
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ggfred4
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friendma, LL, gave you some excellent advice...especially about writing down how you succeeded during urges...You do need to learn about this...I didn't even know what or why when I started...I now know why and that can help...

When you get good advice like LL gave, read, and reread, until it sinks in your head...okay, that is what I have to do miss add gg...!!!!!

Take care...

November 8, 2006
6:01 pm
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Friendma
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I appreciate all your insight. I guess I don't truly believe that the meds would completely line me out or I would be taking them. Or and this is scary, maybe I am comftorable in my mess and scared of becoming healthy, where I'm at right now I hate so probably not but it just came to me so I thought I would share the thought. I do enjoy life better when I am better, I hate having these times, they are so rough and tiring. Maybe we are all comftorable to some extent in our messes, I donn't know. I feel sick to my stomach, if I could do it I would cease to exist but hell is not where I want to go and I believe that is where I would go if I ended things. I feel stuck, do ya know what I mean? I just want to be normal and I don't feel that I ever will be and that scares the c*p out of me. I know I am depressed when smokingg doesn't calm me down cause it usually does. I just can't enjoy anything right now. I want to enjoy things but no matter how hard I try, I can't.

November 8, 2006
6:07 pm
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GG, I appreciate your message. Thank you for your support. I hope you are doing well today. I think of you often and I'm wishing you peace and comfort.

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