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free2choose
December 21, 2005
1:00 am
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Philmore Bowles
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And yes, that's why I smoke.

And yes, there is something called juvenile onset Glaucoma - have been losing vision since I was 21.

I swear it's true!!!!

Propine, Atropine and Timoptic are the drops I used to take and I have a surgery called a Trebeculectomy to partially relive the elveated ocular pressure.

Blind I tell you! BLIND!

😉

December 21, 2005
1:00 am
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lost and found
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the reason i ask is because i have only one eye i see out of and i have a liscense.

of course everybody that knows me knows better than to park behind me.
and if i ride with someone they always insist they drive....

i'm just a curious little kitty...

u are probably in the midwest somewhere, like colorado, utah, whoming. i'm guessing here.

u could be in tennesee for all i know.

i got u jumping through hoops , do i
oh the power of it all...ha ha

December 21, 2005
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Philmore Bowles
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Why am I so committed to my blindness though?

December 21, 2005
1:02 am
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free2choose
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Phil...

I have this friend, G... She says almost the exact same thing that you do about the search to find the right mate... She goes on casual dates, even sees guys for a week or two, then, for what ever reason, they aren't the right guy... They wanna be "just friends", they drink too much, they have too much baggage, they are too needy, not needy enough... It's like she has this ideal..this box she has to put them into and if anything is outside of that box, well then they just don't fit into her life, ya know?In a way I think it is cool that she dosen't just settle for the first guy that comes along... I mean, she knows what she wants and she knows she is worth it, you know. But then again, I mean, people are not perfect, and if our expectations are toooo high, well, they will never be met!

You said:
"There are just so many unwilling, yet nice, people in the world. It's like when I finally get past the act, there's a scared animal ready to fight me off. Even if I only have the best of intentions . . . that's heartbreaking."

Wow Phil, I mean, that was me before my girl came along... hell after she came along. For the first several months, almost the first year, and still sometimes when I am really down or scared or something is up with my past and my PTSD, still sometimes I am that scared lillte animal or that raging wild animal. It is hard to accept love when you just feel so unworthy... It is hard to accept it when all the love you've ever know has hurt you...

I understand though that you don't want to take that on... It is alot to deal with. I think what is different abou this relationship is that my girl knew that I was pretty messed up from the start. I mean, I told her alot of stuff early on, because I wanted to make sure she saw the real me and not the mask of charm and fun...I wanted to make sure she wanted to be with ME, all of me, the good, the bad, and the ugly... Thank goodness she did, LOL. Half the time I expect her to run screaming in the opposite direction...but she stays around. And I stay around when she has her growing pains, you know...its the whole point I think.

Erica

December 21, 2005
1:02 am
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Anonymous
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Why so committed to blindness?

You mean like cognitive dissonance?

December 21, 2005
1:05 am
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Philmore Bowles
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AHHH! You're deranged with the power!

I'm in Colorado.

I was just told the other day that I can take the test at an optometrist and take a note to the DMV.

I'll have to get a ride . . .

Really though, I have my lifestyle set up so that I don't absolutely have to drive. It just gets a little boring - and it's a pain for friends and family sometimes.

December 21, 2005
1:06 am
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oh!

I should have read the thread.

December 21, 2005
1:06 am
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alright, lets compare. i got toxoplasmosis when i was around seven or eight. watched my site go away in the left and most of it in my right. have spotters that float everwhere. have to be careful with balancing checkbook. one second it might look like a eight and the next i might think i see a three.

i learned how to scuba dive...by acting stupid. i always got asked under water how much air i had . i always just gave the thumbs up . never the amount of air i had. the instructer thought i was goofy. i played it up a little. got certified.
can't see a bloomin thing on the tank underwater....just breath real slow and hope everybody else runs out of air first. i always grouped up with big person cause they sucked their air down pretty quick and we went up together, so i didn't have to worry about losing all my air and giving it away...

December 21, 2005
1:08 am
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free2choose
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cognitive what??????????

December 21, 2005
1:13 am
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Anonymous
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dissonance or inconsistency...

lack of compatibality between actions or beliefs. Say the gap between the actual self and the ideal self.

It can make you want to stay committed to the blindness of the ideal self.

But that's not at all what Phil was talking about.

December 21, 2005
1:14 am
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Anonymous
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My bad.

December 21, 2005
1:14 am
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lost and found
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philmore, do u think because of your site, u have a harder time hooking up with girls?

December 21, 2005
1:15 am
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Philmore Bowles
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Erica - I really don't want to take on the same fight I just got done with on my own. I've been the unworthy scared animal, too, for sure. I hate going back there, but I do anyway.

I have had a hard time finding people (of either sex) who are already on the path of healing, etc.

It's weird, because I don't really relate to people who haven't seen some significant personal hardship . . . I think I'm too intense, or something.

I just feel like it's smart for me to wait for someone who is complimentary to me.

I do get lonely, but I'm not in a hurry to get into a "maybe" relationship, not yet anyway.

Young - Because being blind is a natural, undisputable excuse for avoiding life in general - unfortunately, it's a real pain in the butt, too.

December 21, 2005
1:19 am
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Philmore Bowles
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lost - yes. I can't see if they are looking at me from any distance. So either I stare at some poor girl w/ no interest in me - or I look away because I can't see that she's making eye contact.

Plus it is a bit isolating to not have my own transpo - that's not too attractive.

December 21, 2005
1:20 am
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Philmore Bowles
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For me it's large areas of what looks like static on the TV. The shape of my eyes varies depending on the internal pressure, so sometimes I jus can't focus worth a damn.

December 21, 2005
1:21 am
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Listen...

Quality is going to care about what's in your heart, NOT what you drive.

You know that.

December 21, 2005
1:22 am
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Philmore Bowles
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Picture me squinting at you from across the room . . .

December 21, 2005
1:23 am
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Philmore Bowles
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Not even IF I drive . . . You're right and that's why I wait.

December 21, 2005
1:24 am
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It's a comforting picture.

Like, fine-tuning you gaze...into my soul.

December 21, 2005
1:24 am
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Philmore Bowles
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Doesn't help my availablity if I'm always at home though. 🙂

December 21, 2005
1:26 am
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To some women that's precisely what availability means.

December 21, 2005
1:26 am
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that is so funny, i do the staring thing to because i am looking at small parts of the face, so i have to look along time to actually see someone. i absolutely refuse to apologize for it. u do what u gotta do. i had a guy come up and tell me he was married one time but thanks anyway....he must of took my staring for a come on look. i thought it was hilarious!!!!

philmore, tell girls u talk to what u see and what u dont . most will be very nice about it.

i can go to the golf course anytime and play with any guy out there. i play so bad i make them look good. and i laugh the whole thing off. actually i am pretty good. and i think the ones i play with are amazed at how damn hardheaded i am.

December 21, 2005
1:26 am
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Philmore Bowles
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Squinting and blinking a lot . . . cleaning my glasses . . .

After years of this awkwardness, I just got fed up with the frustration, you know?

December 21, 2005
1:27 am
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Anonymous
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I know.

December 21, 2005
1:28 am
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Philmore Bowles
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I've just decided to let God sort that one out . . . too much confusion for me.

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