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Free at last!!! Free at last??? Glittered Moving out
May 30, 2007
10:27 am
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glittered when he walked
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At long last, I will be moving out of my home that i have shared with my ex lo these many difficult years. I had moved out before, but that was into a temporary apartment and i moved back into home after a few months to try to work things out to no avail, this is into a house.
How do i feel? excited and sad, hopeful and fearful, relieved yet worried. But I must do this. I'm excited to have the freedom to finally do things outside the house. While my ex has been to umpteen meetings and traipsed around with friends for the past 3 years i have been watching my children..as usual. Even before her recovery she worked weekends so for me it was work m-f, home to cook dinner, then homework, bath, and bed for the kids, then I'd have them all w/e while she worked. It has gotten to the point where i don't really have many friends that i visit or who visit me...so I'm excited to have the freedom to reconnect with people and make new friendships.

I am sad because I married that woman because i loved her and so i mourn the loss. some aspects of our relationship are great...some are miserable.

I am hopeful that I can make more of my life at this point. And I am fearful of loneliness.

I am relived that at long last i can remove much of her misery from my life. worried about my children who will spend the majority of their time now with their mother who does not provide the stability that i do.

May 30, 2007
11:38 am
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sleepless in uk
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Hi Glittered. Well done and good luck on the next phase of your life. I am sure you will stay close enough to monitor your kids and be there if they need you but I do understand how difficult it must be to walk away from them.

Can I ask how long your ex and you have shared a house? That must be very difficult

May 30, 2007
11:55 am
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fantas
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Glittered, Congratulations for moving on with your life and for choosing to be happy. I think that your kids will enjoy being with as you because you are seeking to live a truthful life. Hang in there.

May 30, 2007
12:53 pm
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Rasputin
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Glit~

I honestly believe that the best way to heal & forget the old love is by either moving out or relocating. Do not get nostalgic or too sentimental esp if your ex refuses to change or admit her mistakes.

Please forgive yourself Glit for making a mistake and choosing the wrong partner and be determined be make the best of worst scenarios.

Blessings to you & your family!~

May 30, 2007
1:19 pm
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glittered when he walked
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I have lived with her for 18 years. first we lived in a one bedroom apt for 2 years, then a 2 BR apt for 5 years, then a 2BR house for 3 years, then a 4 BR house for the last 7yrs.

I don't think I made a mistake...I loved, lost, and have learned. admittedly though, i should have delayed our wedding, but I can honestly say that on my wedding day i was honest as I pledged my love for her.

May 31, 2007
4:06 am
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sleepless in uk
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Good luck, hope your new life is calmer and more rewarding. When I asked about how long you had lived with your ex, I was wondering at which stage you had decided that you had had enough and continued to share a house with her.

I ask because I have decided my marriage is over but for the moment am living in the same house as my husband and finding it very difficult to maintain boundaries and keep a firm resolve.

good luck

May 31, 2007
11:25 am
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glittered when he walked
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sleepless,

ugh...it has taken me forever to get out. We have kids..so we kept toying w/ trying to work things out for their sake..then there was the comfort factor and the good sex on top of the desire to avoid being alone. Fortunately for me i have a financial situation that makes it imperative that i move out anyway..so it's the nudge I needed to.

Don't fault yourself too much...any relationship that moves away from intimacy and devotion takes some time.

we're all such social creatures none of us want to isolated..so sometimes we cling to an idea of another person.

Know that you are not alone in this struggle and that you will have ups and downs, but you will always have support..here at least.

May 31, 2007
7:17 pm
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sleepless in uk
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Thanks Glittered

I know how hard it is when there are kids involved...we have 3

But as far as the good sex....I really can t remember that far back!

But I do understand the comfort factor. Unfortunately my husband wont leave so I am put in the position of trying to find somewhere to rent for my 3 kids and I, until such time as I can force the sale of the house. I have been advised to stay put...but....I dont think I have the strength any more. I guess I am in the reverse situation from you. My financial position would be much improved if I remained put.

I also get sucked in to thinking I should try harder to make it work for the kids, but I dont think I can do it any more.

Thanks for talking...

best to you, Sleeplesss

May 31, 2007
11:14 pm
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glittered when he walked
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Sleepless,

Funny...folks tell me the same thing...don't leave...make her leave...why should she get the house...blah blah blah. what a divorce is primarily is a finacial settlement, in the end it should come out equitable.

I just need to get away from her. she can have the damn house for now...my other house isn't as large or as nice...but it suits me fine. If I am happy there, how much is that peace of mind worth?

is your home paid for? could you swing payments by yourself? If you have the children he'll owe child support, right? Not up on divorce in the UK, but assume it's largely the same as it is here in US.

June 1, 2007
6:44 am
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sleepless in uk
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Thanks Glittered, I think the laws here are similar to the USA.
Unfortunately we still owe on the house. We were hoping to have it paid off in a couple of years. (been married 22 years)

My kids are a little older although 2 are still in Education. I have consulted a lawyer who tells me that our eldest wouldnt be factored into any settlement because she is an adult but thats ok.

I could keep up the payments on the house but couldnt afford to pay him off his share of the money right now. I couldnt buy him out. He has said many times that he wouldnt leave, and if I dont like it I should go. Of course he knows I would not leave the kids with him so I think he has assumed that I wont go.

So the lawyer says I should stay and fight it out from within the home. Force the sale of the house and then take my share and start again. But he is very abusive, not physically but very emotionally abusive and he really makes life difficult for the kids and I. Nothing we do is ever good enough and he has a temper that would frighten anyone.

Not that many see it...just the kids and I really. And people who have known him for many many years. Most people think he is charm personified, quick witted and good fun.

So I think I will have to bite the bullet and rent a place for the time being, and let the lawyers deal with him. He intimidates me too much for me to stand up to him. Just recently I have started to but I get very scared.

Thanks for telling me about your experience, and thanks for the support. I hope your new life makes you happy

take care

June 2, 2007
10:10 pm
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glittered when he walked
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well, I got a lot of stuff moved today in ungodly heat. Funny thing..I'm already apprehensive. Gotta get thru this thing with lonliness I guess. Power isnt on yet...early next week. Still need a lot of stuff...tables...pots pans...food lol.

June 3, 2007
9:07 am
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Wow amazing what goes on behind closed doors that others don't see and still judge us on. Lonliness is a very difficult emotion to deal with, but I am reminded by those close to me that when one door closes another one opens and I am seeing this and feeling this as I am preparing to move out of a relationship that has been up and down. Every one thinks they know this person but as I said, we don't know what goes on behind closed doors (Charlie Pride back in the 70's ?)I will pray for all those who is dealing with this same pain and I know it's hard to believe at this point but there is a higher power working in us. Keep up hope and let the tears and emotions move so you can get past this, it is time consuming but as each day passes your mind and heart will get healed. We all feel the pain of each that is going through good times and hard times. Take care of yourself.

June 3, 2007
4:42 pm
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StronginHim77
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sleepless -

Dang! Nothing you and the kids ever do is good enough? And he rages alot? Sounds exactly like the narcissistic husband I fled from in April. I was kinda scared of him, too. I can understand. In the end, I had to flee from his house. I moved out because there was no way I could negotiate and live in his presence. He was such a horror. Sounds like your husband is the same. So, I agree that moving out with the kids is probably the best course of action for you.

- Ma Strong

June 3, 2007
6:17 pm
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sleepless in uk
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Ma, Teardrop and Glittered.....

Best of luck to all of us......and thanks

June 4, 2007
7:07 am
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Ned 348
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Things will get better for you all. I know too what it feels like to be trapped in a marriage. I was with my wife 20 years before we decided to go our separate ways. I wanted to long before but she said she would never divorce me. Finally she did because she saw just how unhappy I was (we are not divorced officially but she moved out nine months ago). We are on a friendly basis but I would never want to be together. I wish her the best in whatever she does. But when I was with her I just felt like my life was being wasted and was on hold. Now I come home and I feel so good to be alone. My friend who is divorced says the peace of mind is just fantastic. And he asks how many happily married people do you know? None really. And that is so sad. So anyway it will get better after the initial start. Just remember how sad things were when you start to over think about things.

June 4, 2007
9:27 am
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sleepless in uk
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Well said Ned. And thanks for reminding us to keep our eyes on the prize...ie a peaceful, calm, happy future

best to you

June 6, 2007
10:50 am
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glittered when he walked
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OK. so my power and gas are all finally back on. hee hee..first night i was reading books by candlelight...felt kind cool to do that because i was thinking about people doing just that a long time ago..like abraham lincoln etc.. Have to get TV and internet next.

lonliness hasn't bothered me that much as I've been busy around the place unpacking, shopping, etc. I Do miss the kids however. Starting to miss/want sex...but hey I went 19 years without having sex with another and it didn't kill me ; ). My pet has been good company.

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